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deedee

Learning to adjust

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Like most people being diagnosed with herpes I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions, mostly shame, fear, and self hate. I was also one of the lucky few who got to experience the excruciating pain of the first outbreak. I felt like it was never going to go away and I'd always be in pain physically and emotionally. As time went on, I shared my new secret with select friends, who made it clear they loved me no matter what, which helped to diminish the stigma I felt I carried along with me everywhere. Even though I feel like I can tell my friends, and potential partners when need be, I still feel as though it is something I can never tell my family, which deeply hurts me. Now that I have gotten over the fact that I have herpes, I just feel like I can't relate to people anymore. When I'm in public, when I go out, its always in the back of my mind, just how all these people would react if they knew. I never felt normal before, but now this kicks it up a notch. Never felt like I fit with society before, and now I feel like I never will. I know in time I will learn to just let go of these feelings hopefully, but right now I cant seem to get past it. Ive done all kinds of research, browsed countless sites, joined various sites and felt like the only site that helped or was responsive at all was this one. I really don't know what to do at this point, my friends all live far from me, the one person who was supporting me in this got arrested and I haven't seen/heard from him since, one of my pet rats just passed away and losing her not even a month after I got diagnosed just really depresses the hell out of me. I know I should eat well, but I cant seem to keep down food from being so upset, I have next to no appetite, I cant sleep well, I keep having nightmares, and I know all this will just create another ob but I cant help the way I am feeling right now. I sure could use a hug. :-(

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DeeDee! First off, consider this an e-hug. ;) I'm SO happy to see you back ... It means a lot that you're reaching out and talking about this. I remember when I was first diagnosed, I walked around in a haze for months (everyone's "hazy timeframe" is unique — the herpes healing process looks different for everyone). There are stages to the grieving/healing process (as is shown in the Kubler-Ross model of grieving). Be kind to yourself through this process. Recognize that it is a process. Self-love and self-acceptance is huge. And you reaching out right here is proof that you are practicing both. Awesome. Talking all this stuff out is huge! Keep talking, keep feeling. Feeling means you're still in touch with yourself. And feeling — even if it's sadness and anger — is healthy, when felt in a safe way. Because feeling this side of your emotional spectrum will open the door to the great feelings of wholeness and happiness to come. Mark my words. ;) Thanks again for reaching out, DeeDee. There is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful. You have such a big heart ... I can feel it through your posts. Join us for an upcoming Herpes Opportunity tele-seminar. We'd love to have you.


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