When do I tell him I have herpes?

[summergirl]

Hello, this is my first time writing. I do love this place :) I just found out on Valentine's Day this year that I was having my first herpes outbreak. Since then I have had two more. Each time they have been more mild so I go without medication and suck it up. I at first thought I would never date again...well, since then I have started seeing a new guy. He is amazing. We have been friends first for about a year and only really messaged each other. We get along and can talk about just about anything. What is everyone's thoughts on when you should share your story? Too soon would scare most away because of the stigma. Before I had herpes I would have ran away if someone had told me too soon. Then after much research I discovered it's stigma has always been way worse than the actual skin condition I now have. How did most of you who have been dating, or had to tell a significant other before sharing? Thanks for your input and support :)

[WCSDancer2010]

@summergirl

 

Hello and glad the site has been of help to you already!

 

The simple answer is before your genitals get anywhere near each other :p

 

Otherwise, it really depends on your level of comfort with him, and your personal feelings about transparency and how deep to let him fall for you before you tell. There is no perfect answer. AND the receivers have different ideas about what constitutes "integrity" around this.... some get really mad that they have fallen for you and then you tell them... others understand that this is a really personal thing for you and they appreciate and understand that your allowing them to know this about you is your way to let them know that you really care for them. I personally feel if you have the former reaction, that person *may* not be a great choice for a partner (it wreaks of a victim type personality to me) while the latter has more potential to be someone who will understand your "humanness" throughout a relationship.

 

I personally would recommend that you find a time when you are not already getting frisky because men tend to think with the little head first and ask questions later...LOL . And then they usually are freaking out if they don't know the facts.

 

There are a lot of great disclosure stories on here (I'll post some links below) that will give you an idea of when and how people have told their partners.

 

I personally actually have posted my status on all my dating profiles and I'm getting really nice responses from H- guys ... there are more people out there that are willing to give you a shot with H than you realize. ;)

 

Anyway, look at the posts I've linked to and get an idea of what has worked for others, and then figure out what will work for YOU :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2445/my-success-story simplyme24

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2495/a-coming-out-story- DanieM

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2544/disclosure silentstandoff

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1644/having-the-herpes-talk-with-a-new-partner Daisy

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2689/first-time-disclosing-herpes-and-very-very-nervous paleogardenerkika

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2789/about-to-have-the-herpes-talk Empowered 74

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2833/this-was-a-first kitcattat

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2892/first-disclosing-talk-with-a-new-guy-so-relieved Figuringthisout

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2879/rekindling-an-old-flame Valkyrie

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3021/successful-herpes-disclosure Starsinhereyes

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said- thisisgoingtobeok

[mr_hopp]

Hi summergirl!

 

I love that you love this place. :) And I'm glad you're here reaching out. It's a huge step just to start posting on here. And a step for your own healing is a step for all the others out there reading your post, too.

 

You have officially asked one of the top 10 questions that everyone with herpes asks. Ding ding ding! :) So, you can imagine there are a lot of discussions on these forums that deal with exactly that. And I even made a youtube video on exactly this question quite a while back. Yes, it is a balancing act on what feels "too soon" and what feels "too late." And there is no universal answer. Why? Because it's a subjective feeling that each of us has to feel for ourselves, and it depends on the relationship itself and the trust level that you're building together. (The easy, quick answer, however, is before you have sex or put the person at any risk of getting herpes, of course.)

 

Here is the youtube video I mentioned (that I made when I was a wee lad at the very beginning of this whole H Opp thing):

 

[WCSDancer2010]

BTW, take note of how many hits that video has :)

 

16,600+ ... amazing ..... :D

[summergirl]

Thank you :) it feels so good to have new perspectives about h. Before I found this place I felt so alone and helpless. After reading other people's stories and hearing all of the positive and encouraging words, I have the confidence in knowing that even if it does not work out with this new guy, that when the guy is right for me he will not disappear. I'm not sure who I contracted it from, I had my first ob within a week of a new partner. I told him, and he was beyond surprised. Needless to say I never saw him again and he basically disappeared and will go on believing he did not and does not have it. I was looking to a guy to accept me and love me so that I could love myself. I've figured out since then that no man can do that for me, I need to love myself even after h. Each time I have an ob (3 times) I repeatedly tell myself it doesn't define who I am as a mother, a sister, a daughter, so why should it get in the way as a lover? Anyway... :) I am excited about this new experience and I will share my success story when it happens. Thanks again!!

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I don't think there is a right when. You just know. It got so heavy on me and I couldn't take it anymore. I text him and said baby I'm ready to tell you what I've been going through if you can't tonight that's fine but soon. He said come over after work. So I pounded three beers on the way and when I got there his friend was there. My heart was just racing. So after an hour of chit chatting with him and his friend I did it. In person and he accepted it. You will know. You just feel it. Everyone says there isn't a right time and I agree. You just get overwhelmed by it I think and know it's time. I did it right when I knew my heart was on the edge of falling for him and I figured it better to get it done and over with if he didn't accept it before my heart was too in it. Needless to say, whatever I did, I did right. He blows my mind everyday. I'm crazy for him and he seems to be about me. We hve talked about it since the initial disclosure. We actually have done it without condoms. Shocker. But he just doesn't care. At all. I said baby... We did that without a condom are you not worried? He said no, if I was I wouldn't have done it. I want you. He then said, this comes with you right? I said yep. He said well I want you, so that comes with you, then so be it. I'm telling you. You will know. I did. And I am so happy now. :)

[Amillionthings]

@okay. This guy is an absolute keeper! I need to find me one o' them! Great you're so happy.

 

 

[summergirl]

Thanks, I see what you mean. I think I will know as well. I'm happy you found such a great guy!! They do exist :)

[WCSDancer2010]

Hey @okay

 

I hope you talked with him about his having had ALL the STD's checked out before you went bareback??? Including HSV2???? Because even tho he is a great guy, he could still ASSUME he was tested for everything and we know what happens when people make assumptions, especially around STD's .... :/

[summergirl]

Good reminder, will do this also. Thanks!