Went on my first date post herpes diagnosis

[misskellyrenee]

He's a nice guy, hes attractive, in good shape, has a good job. I just don't get the "butterfly" feeling. Like, I didn't get excited getting ready for the date, and I didn't get excited when he kissed me. I feel like I should give the guy a chance because he is the type of guy I should go for.

 

As much of an ass as my ex was, our chemistry was insane. We had 5 hour phone conversations when we first started talking. When we went out, we couldn't stop talking and I never wanted the night to end.

 

Then I had a dream last night and in this dream we started having sex, but before we could, I disclosed to him. Then he got up and walked away.

 

I understand dreams are just dreams and they don't always mean something. However, it was just weird. Maybe subconsciously disclosing is on my mind. I didn't wake up freaked out about it but I thought it was peculiar.

[misskellyrenee]

Also, I guess it doesn't help that he's not much of a talker when it comes to texting. I rarely hear from him. We talked on the phone once before our date and a few times texting for a week, but it was super sparse. Hours will elapse in between texts.

[lelani]

Hi MissKR :-)...mmm sounds like the chemistry is not there from both sides. Maybe give the guy a chance...probably best to have no expectations and let things unfold. He could be a good friend if nothing else develops.

 

I have a couple of amazing guy friends that this happened with and I am so glad I was able to develop friendships with them rather than dating them...was the same thing - great guys (and I think I am pretty ok too!) but there wasn't any spark from either side even though we tried.

 

I disclosed to both but this wasn't the deciding factor of things not going further...we just didn't have chemistry! It's early days for you...and you have time to see where it goes. If the contact isn't at a level you feel ok with then move on :-)...there's plenty more great guys in the world :-) x

[misskellyrenee]

Thank you :)

Yeah, I am going to give another chance, another date to see if my interest is piqued.

The sad thing is, he was super into it. He wanted the date to last longer.

We left the wine bar we were chatting at and went to a new bar and he was more physical- huggy, grabbing my arm, he grabbed my leg and put it on top of his. Normally, those things don't bother me, especially if the chemistry is good, then I am all for it. I just wasn't feeling it. I let him do his thing, hold my hand, hug me and be touchy and I did my best to be flirty back but it didn't feel genuine for me.

I'll give the guy another chance, and I do hope something happens.

I am going to have a problem with how little I hear from him.

[WCSDancer2010]

I agree it sounds like the chemistry isn't there... almost sounds like he's trying too hard too. BUT, often we continue to date the wrong guys so if he has the qualities you want, give him another shot.

 

I met a guy last year - I was TOTALLY not into him but he offered to drive me to a distant dance because he was curious about the dance. I explained I couldn't teach him how to lead in one night and he stated he was happy to just watch, we'd have time to chat, and have dinner en route. I took him up on it, and my interest was piqued enough to continue to date him. I was starting to really like him, and we even got physical (after disclosure) but he was dealing with alot of emotional baggage from him previous relationship and just wasn't ready to date, so that never went anywhere. But it showed me that it's worth giving some guys a chance that I might not immediately feel an attraction to ;)

[misskellyrenee]

For sure, its finding that balance of giving the guy a chance without leading him on. SO i don't want to take too long in deciding if I like the guy.

I like the average guy qualities- smart, good looking, good job, likes baseball, etc. I just feel like I need that extra "umph" from a guy. That extra pizazz.

I want some damn fireworks!

Maybe they will happen at some point with him.

 

Today, not much improvement with texting, but it was a holiday, so maybe tomorrow he will step it up. I don't buy into the whole "i'm so busy," thing. Like, if you want to contact someone, you do. I can text and take a piss, it's not that hard.

I just want someone who has their own life, yes, but someone who is at a point where they are ready and willing to make time for me.

[Kanoa]

Question... say you're always attracted to the "bad" guys and there is always crazy chemistry there, like what @misskellyrenee is describing with her ex, but you want to change that pattern and find a "good" guy... How do you figure out if you're not interested in a new person because there's just no chemistry (ie it's not gonna change) or because he's not your usual (bad boy) type and thus seems boring or sort of lackluster?

[WCSDancer2010]

@Kanoa

 

The thing is to not dismiss them immediately... give them a chance. If you are always attracted to one type you have to look at the common denominator ... YOU .. and see what your patterns are. If your pattern is to only go for the guys with "crazy chemistry"..... Try dating guys who have EVERYTHING ELSE you want and who are crazy for you for a few dates longer than you might. Speaking from experience, "crazy chemistry" usually leads to sex sooner rather than later... which leads to us staying in the relationship longer than we should much of the time because sex ignites our oxytocin hormones which make us WANT to stay attached to them even tho our brain KNOWS that we need to bail! :p

 

If you want LTR/Marriage material guys, you need to look for a different "type" of guy.... "bad boys" are fun for short periods but their habits, mannerisms, and such will eventually be a turn-off. The guy I dated actually physically turned me off the first time we got intimate but I quickly realized it was because I went in expecting that and I subconsciously looked for every "flaw" (because I really was NOT ready to get physical but I did the female thing of feeling I *should* try and see what would develop). What I started to fall for though was the amazing conversations we had, his quick wit, and his piercing blue eyes....once that had me hooked the "turn-offs" amazingly disappeared :) !!

 

And BTW, Herpes gives us the perfect "excuse" to hold off on sex longer ... because we can say that we don't want to get intimate with them too soon until we are sure it's right, or until the anti-virals kick in, or whatever ;)

[misskellyrenee]

I've definitely fallen for the bad boys more than once. My ex would possibly qualify, lots of tattoos, skater/punk type, but he was also at UCLA, and loved animals, and could talk to me for hours and could be a total dork.

There was one guy who I didn't feel it with on the first date regardless of being attracted to him, then I stuck around and attraction grew. That relationship actually ended horribly haha. He's the one who lied to me about having a 3 year old son the entire time.

I do think it is definitely worth it though to stick around to check up on your instincts. Sometimes you gotta prove your instincts wrong.

I like to look for that something extra. That pull that makes me say "Oh, I GOTTA see that person again, or I need to talk to them again."

[WCSDancer2010]

Tattoos don't = Bad boy.... for many, they are an artistic expression of themselves. Your ex doesn't sound like a "bad boy" - just the "wrong boy" for you ;)

 

There was one guy who I didn't feel it with on the first date regardless of being attracted to him, then I stuck around and attraction grew. That relationship actually ended horribly haha. He's the one who lied to me about having a 3 year old son the entire time.

 

Likely because of the "stigma" attached to having kids because people like me don't want to date someone with children. In both cases, it's not the stigma... it's just that we all have "deal breakers", and children and Herpes both fall into that category. Like many here who wait until someone has fallen for them, he probably hoped it wouldn't matter once you "loved" him.

[misskellyrenee]

For that guy specifically though, I fell in love with him but he did not fall in love with me, which, maybe that had something to do with it. We were together a good 7 months and he never told me. I do know that had more to do with him than me.

[HerryTheHerp]

Yeah, start going for the nice guys. We're understanding, caring, compassionate, and very attentive lovers. We may not be rock stars, fashion models, quarterbacks, or weight lifters, but we'll always lend an ear, provide a shoulder to cry on, and be there to cheer your hopes and dreams along.

 

Yay! Nice Guys!

[Sparklepony]

Nice guys for the win!

 

Seriously though, use this as a way to weed out potential relationships and which ones will turn your status into a deal breaker. If you feel uneasy telling someone one because the will either judge you, or use it against you then they aren't someone you would want to be with anyway.

[misskellyrenee]

Still having an issue with lack of communication though. Don't hear from him until 4:30, texted very briefly and then nothing.

For someone I'm still unsure about, it's irritating.

I'd be down to talk more and get to know him, but the guy isn't talking!

[HerryTheHerp]

Patience. Patience is a virtue. With patience love and relationships grow. If you haven't heard from him by the weekend, then start to worry. For now, stop watching the clock. Get out there, go on a date with your girlfriends, and live life. It's too short to wait on someone who doesn't call. Who knows? You just might meet a nice guy who wants to talk all the time.

[WCSDancer2010]

Well, if his style of communicating isn't working for you, then that may be a major deal breaker for you.... I have a friend who needs at least daily communication and her ex (who lived 3 hrs away) would go quiet for a few days at a time... she gave him every chance and told him her needs but he couldn't change his ways. I know him, he's a decent guy - just not the guy for her.

 

You may want to just ask him if he's interested... and if so, let him know you'd like a little more communication. If he can't do that, it may be time to move on ;)

[misskellyrenee]

@herry been tryin to get out with my friends and do other things, I'm quite the busy body! Lol

 

@dancer I asked him on Friday if he was interested and basically have him an out and he told me he was interested and we set up a meetup for the next night. He'd said "I was gonna ask what you were up to tonight." Because that came after I said something, I don't totally buy it but w/e.

I'll give him another day or two before I officially tell him I want to hear from him more.

[WCSDancer2010]

@kanoa ...

 

You may like this :)

 

I love this one like:

 

When you see crazy coming, cross the street!

 

[misskellyrenee]

Thank you for that, I identify the most with the ending :). "When people show you who they really are,"

[misskellyrenee]

Okay, yeah I think I'm just going to call it a loss.

He didn't text at all yesterday, and today texted at like 1, I responded, and then no response.

If a guy can't even take 5 second to send a simple text, how can he take the time to get to know me?

[WCSDancer2010]

Got that right chica.... if a guy really likes you you can't keep him off the damn phone... LOL ;)

 

There's one word for a guy like that.... NEXT!!!! :D

[misskellyrenee]

I agree!

[misskellyrenee]

Okay, so I had liked this other guy for a while. He would always check into our housing computer lab even though he didn't live in housing. He would come in and work on a paper, and would always come flirt with me.

He finally got a tip that I liked him and became instantly more flirty, we exchanged numbers and agreed to go to coffee yesterday. We agreed on 7, He said he lives down the street from me too. That day he was like "I am so excited to see you tonight! I'll be counting down the hours!'

Around 6:30 he's like, "can we make it 7:30 just to be safe? I might even be there earlier." So I agreed.

7:45 rolls around and he's not here. So I told him that I was just going to change and study, since he's still not there. He begged me to let him come pick me up so I told him 5 minutes since he lived down the street and was supposedly about to get in his car. Still hadn't showed up. So I texted again and said just to not come by. He kept calling and texting and begging me.

"Come on Kelly, please" "I'll buy you coffee!

He kept calling and not leaving a voicemail.

He never eve ntold me why he was late.

 

So I wen't to the movies with my girls and saw the new Spiderman movie.

Ain't no body got time for late people.

[WCSDancer2010]

You go girl!!!! You teach people how to treat you from day 1... ;)

[misskellyrenee]

He didn't contact me today even. Had he done that and apoligized I maybe would have given him a chance but not now.

Oh well, I'm having fun talking to and meeting new guys.