My Heart Is Broken, I've never felt so rejected.

[beautifullybroken]

Hey, I just joined on this website so I really don't know what to expect by posting about what has happened to me but It's worth getting off my chest. Especially where there's support available. I was diagnosed with Herpes when I was 19 years old, I don't want to get into how awful of a situation that was because that's a story for a different day.

 

Anyways, Recently a few weeks ago I met the most amazing Guy.. and We were basically living a fairy tale. We hungout every day since the day we met, I met his his whole family and all of his friends.. who all told me they had never seem him so happy. That I was amazing for him, that we were perfect for eachother.. and we are. I know I made him happy.. he told me so many times. I woke up to good morning beautiful everyday. We talked nonstop, we went on dates, we cuddled, we kissed, we went on drives in the middle of the night and talked about all the exciting things we were going to do over the summer. He was supportive of my dreams and goals, motivated me, inspired me to be a better person. Until last night, when I sat him down to tell him why I hadn't been able to be intimate with him.. I told him what I had.. I built myself beforehand, told myself I'd be confident and I'd be positive when I delivered the speech to him. That didn't happen, because as soon as we sat down and I began.. I froze and started to cry and could barely speak because of the fear. I had a crippling fear it was going to be over. I cried and I got the story out, I tried to give him some perspective on things at the end but by that point I already felt what we had was ruined. He was very quiet.. So I got up and told him I would just walk home rather than him drive me .. he told me not to and that he'd drive me.. I said no.. handed back his sweater and he told me to keep it, that it was cold but I just put it down and slowly walked away. Not too long after I fired off text to him with the response I had been dreaded. To put it briefly ( not that there was too long of a message thread ) That he was so sorry, and that the feelings were still there but he couldnt continue with us, that he couldnt risk catching it.

 

I have never been more upset about a partner in my life, nor have I ever been rejected because of this. I was honestly falling in love with this guy, never have I really felt so comfortable and head over heels for someone.. and I know he felt it too. Even though we had only been hanging out for a few weeks, we both felt an amazing connection. I know he's scared and uneducated but .. I just wish he would take the time to educate himself.. I asked him if he'd see a nurse with me but he just had trouble processing all of it to begin with and I had to stop being pushy so I did. I am extremely defensive in all of this, I put myself out there 100 percent and was rejected.. the last thing I can do is try to further things and try harder to make him accept me. I've just not texted him today, which feels like a slap in the face in itself because we havent stopped talking in 2 and a half weeks. It just felt so right, but now I feel empty and hollow. I just cry and cry, this pain in my chest is crippling. I just don't know how to recover, Everyone thought this was the one and so did I . I feel like I don't deserve to feel like I'm living in a fairy tale, that I'm going to wind up settling for someone who accepts me but it's going to be someone I'm not crazy about. I just want my confidence back. I want him back.

 

His brother was apparently supposed to talk to him about things, I was told his brother had been with someone who's had an std before ( not sure which one ) but if that's true as I know it probably is, hopefully his brother can educate him with the facts. I can't get my hopes up though... I just can't do that to myself in this spot I'm in. :( So sad. My heart aches with so much pain right now.

[HerryTheHerp]

First things first. Welcome to the most supportive H'positive community on the web. You're in a good place and you will find lots of support here.

 

Alright, so you were falling in love with the guy and he shot you down. Happens all the time. Too short, too tall, too old, too ugly, smelly feet, doesn't brush teeth, has herpes. There are lots of reasons people get rejected. It sucks that the H was the reason, but if it wouldn't have been that, it could have been something else. Keep that in perspective; it really does help to do that.

 

I'm assuming you're under 25. That's a tough demographic, especially for disclosing. Now, as far as the fairy tale, let me tell you a secret: the fairy tale is a myth. It doesn't exist. Nothing and no one is perfect. Your Prince Charming has just revealed a character flaw; and better now that after you've got a ring on your finger. Today it's herpes, 50 years from now it's cancer. Stuff hits the fan and gets serious, do you really want a guy by your side who couldn't handle a skin condition? I don't, and I don't think you do either.

 

Who the hell says you have to settle? You don't. You should never settle for second best. You shouldn't get too picky, but you should realize that there are traits and things that are "non-negotiable" and others that well, they're not deal breakers. Make your list, then look for that guy.

 

Now, I know it hurts. We've all been rejected in our lifetimes, either because of H or because of something else. It's not fun and it stings like hell. For now, let yourself feel the hurt, and let it temper your heart. Give the guy some time. If he feels the same way about you that you do about him, well, he'll come around. He'll get educated. He'll realize you're worth the risk.

 

Take a breath. Get educated, and get confident. When he comes back around, that'll help things considerably. The more comfortable and confident you are, the more relaxed and comfortable he'll be.

 

 

[beautifullybroken]

Haha thanks for the quick reply, you're right I am 22.. I know the whole fairytale thing only lasts for so long in any situation.. I just had never felt such a connection with somebody. I've been through a lot in my life already and he just seemed to make the bad disappear. I am educated, I am very educated on H.. I just kinda had a breakdown when I was telling him.. which I explained to him. I explained that having herpes doesnt effect me, it's only this painful conversation that does.. and that all the tears were in fear that I was going to lose him. I know being positive about it is the best way, and believe me I worked myself up to do exactly that.. shrug it off like it wasnt a big issue because IT'S NOT.. but I just broke down, because right when I started I already felt I was going to lose him. I just seem to crumble from the anxiety after being rejected. I just wish he would have actually taken the time to educate himself, and you're right if he does come around ( and properly gets himself educated ) that makes him someone worth being with.. and hell yeah I would let him right back in. I'm just still in shock right now, it feels like somebody died.. if that makes sense.

[beautifullybroken]

It's just difficult. Never make someone your everything, because if they disappear you're left with nothing. I'd never taken that risk before.. Letting someone in, taking my walls down and really feeling emotions for somebody. It just was a slap in the face is all.

[HerryTheHerp]

You're right on the money. The conversation is usually the worst part of H. It really is. It's the part where we're most vulnerable, and the rejection because of H hurts worse than the symptoms ever do. Been there.

 

You're gonna get through this. Let the shock subside, then put one foot in front of the other. If he cares about you, he's reading everything he can right now. My advice: Talk to his brother. Give him the resources he should be reading, then have him pass those along. Guide him. If the horse steps up to the trough to drink, well, you'll know it's not a horses ass you were dating.

[beautifullybroken]

Thankyou for your support, I really need all the support I can get. I think it was a wise decision to come to a place where no judgement is being passed and everyone helps one another. My girl friend who is our mutual friend ( She actually set me and The guy up in the beginning ) was the one to message The guys Brother, She didn't say much other than I was upset.. and disclosed something personal with The guy Im seeing, and that he doesnt think he can continue being with me. The guys brother was saying The guy I am seeing is upset too.. and he was going to talk to him. I am waiting for my girlfriend to get off work and let me know what ( if she has ) heard.. depending on what she's heard and if The brother now knows what the issue is regarding I will get her to send him some links. I want to be positive about this entire thing.. but I feel like my talk with him could have went alot better.. now I am just feeling awkward and mad at myself for not being more positive about it.

 

I just want closure if all things don't end up working out, I don't want to be left with this awful sucky awkward feeling.

[beautifullybroken]

I was giving perspective after initially telling him what I had, getting that out in the open was just the difficult part I struggled with.. a good 5 minutes of awkward silence passed before I could even spit it out. I wish It could have been easier.. but I just read that free e book posted on the site and it's making me feel like an idiot for not waiting until I felt more comfortable to tell him, you know?

[HerryTheHerp]

Hey, don't beat yourself up. That's a bad road to go down. Stay positive. Positive thoughts. You'll be fine!

 

It's never easy to disclose to a new partner. It gets easier, but it's never a walk in the park. Let the chips fall where they will; wherever they fall, know you've got a lot of friends here who have your back.

[WCSDancer2010]

@beautifullybroken

 

First - welcome - as Herry said, you found the perfect place to vent, get support, and get help working through this.

 

Herry also said most of what I would have said.... yes, you might have waited (too bad you didn't find us first - we have TONS of great success stories on here that many people use to figure out how they want to disclose.) but then again, he may well have headed for the hills anyway. I'm glad you read the e-book - and seeing as you are finding your way around, perhaps you can send him the handout from here through your friend (in a sealed envelope if they don't know). And tell him if he IS getting educated to stay the hell off Google Images as those are the worst of the worst kinda cases.... just as most burns are not 3rd degree burns, most OB's are not anything like the ones that pop up on the first page of Google. Perhaps you can offer to at least educate him ... help him to understand that 80% of people have H and 80% of them don't know it (and many who have it won't tell him) so in a way, you are a safer bet because you can monitor your OB's and take anti-virals.

 

If he still walks after that, you can thank H for being your Wing Man (here's my blog about Herpes as your Wingman http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/ ) and showing you his true colors. Remember, you only knew him 2 weeks... just a blip in your timeline even at your tender age ( I'm officially into Old-fart-dom age LOL!) and really not enough time to even begin to get to KNOW him. Yes, you were falling for him, but really?? Two weeks??? Honey, you had barely scratched the surface of who HE is. Herpes does us one favor that many don't recognize.... it makes us slow things down, not get sexual so fast. I know you may not like to hear this (and believe me, my body disagrees with this too, even at my age!) but the longer you can abstain (at least, in terms of months, not necessarily years) the clearer you will *see* him. There's a hormone called Oxytocin... the looooove hormone ... and it comes out in droves with sex... and one of it's jobs is to make us want to stay attached to our sexual partner...often at the expense of paying attention to red flags and deal breakers. I can't count how many times I've been in the early part of a relationship, getting intimate, and after it goes south I look back and realize how many red flags I was ignoring. Perhaps you freaked out when you were disclosing because you *knew* instinctively that he is either too narrow minded/body conscious/whatever to be ok with it.

 

Also, do realize that rejection SUCKS ... and we are hard wired to do everything we can to avoid it. Here are a couple links to help you understand that you are just going through the normal feelings AND it's just your subconscious taking over....and this too shall pass.

 

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

And finally, read this post that just came in today. You want THIS guy ... or rather, a guy who has this attitude to love .... you deserve a man like this... not someone who runs before they can get educated and who can realize that a skin condition is no reason to break off a relationship

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3176/should-i-deliberately-catch-hsv-1-orally-encouragement

 

Whatever happens you will get through this, learn from it, and move on.....

 

(((HUGS))) my friend.

[beautifullybroken]

Thankyou Both so so much!

 

Your words mean a lot to me right now, it's really comforting to have people who are in my shoes to talk to. I know it was only two weeks, and I am probably silly for thinking it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It just felt so different than the rest, I think a lot of it was because we are both lonely right now.

 

He also just got out of a 5 year relationship, and she treated him really badly.. where I treated him like gold ( as I thought he did me ). I heard about her a few times.. never that he missed her, just things she did to hurt him. Also it's the only other girl he's ever been involved with. So I'm putting my money on a lack of life experience being a main contributing factor. Also the fact he's not even willing to go talk to a nurse with me ( I asked if he would ) and he avoided answering my question. He seemed pretty positive in his texts that not continuing seeing eachother was the " best decision " so if he doesn't even have enough respect for me to come and at least talk to me about his reasoning.. maybe he really isn't worth my time.

 

Sure, his brother's going to talk to him.. but ultimately nobody can change his reaction in all of this. I know he's upset, and I read those articles you sent me. It does help to think that he's rejecting the Virus and not Me. It's just getting used to him being gone that is super hard.

 

I've recently got my very own apartment, all by myself. I work part time and I'm currently doing upgrading so I can attend College in the fall for Social work.. ( It was hard to pull myself out of bed this morning to go to the College because he was supposed to take me) I see a counsellor regularily.. so tomorrow I'll have some more supportive and encouraging words from her. I want to help people.. I want to do big things to bring awareness to society. I know I'm capable of helping make positive changes in this world.. maybe this was just the push I needed to realize a few things about myself and my own self worth. I am amazing, and I know that somebody WILL be very lucky to have me one day. This website has made a big impact on my willingness to become more open about my status.. confident that I'll be supported in my journey to let people know they arn't alone and they should NOT be ashamed of who they are. That hiding in the closet isn't how it should be, People don't make fun of Cancer patients, so what makes them feel it's okay to make fun of any Virus, Disease, Condition. It's never okay. A disease is a disease, whether it be sexually transmitted or not.. nobody asked to be given one.

 

I strongly believe, the ones who are diagnosed with an STI ( I am usually not religious but it helps to think about it this way sometimes ) are the ones who GOD thought could handle it, his strongest fighters.. I have had a rough life and really havent had that supportive of parents.. but I do have some of the best friends and a few family members who've never let me down. I've been dealt a lot of shitty cards, but I wouldnt be the person I am today without everything I've been through.

 

I hope to become more actively involved on this website! To help people know that positivity can change your life

[WCSDancer2010]

YOU GO CHICA! That's the spirit!

 

He also just got out of a 5 year relationship,

 

All I can say to that is..

 

Danger Will Robinson, Danger!!!!

 

Take it from someone who's been around the block a few times... you have just become the Rebound Chick .... men have a habit of thinking that they can just move on after a long term relationship... I see them on the dating sites ALL.THE.TIME. Tried giving a couple of them the benefit of the doubt. EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. bolted at or soon after the disclosure conversation. They just are not ready and as soon as one thing "proves" to them that relationships suck or whatever, they run. He's just plain not ready my friend.

 

Glad you got the message of the Wingman post. It is sooooo not about you or Herpes. It's about him not being ready for a real relationship.

 

(((HUGS)))

[JustASkinCondition]

I concur. You are not defined by having HSV. You are a beautiful person with a lot to offer the world. You're job now is to get passed this. Let the grieving process take it's course. The Kübler-Ross model has five stages of grief. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Look them up. Process them. And note; they don't work in a neat little line, one following on from the other. I find that I keep going back and forth, repeating various stages. Some more than others. But each time I do, I am taking a step forward, not backward.

 

Going back to what I was saying; your job now is to get passed this and live a good life. The sexiest thing is a life well lived. That doesn't mean it's going to be without hardships, but it's how you deal with those hardships that matters most. Hardships build character and it's a woman of character that I look for in a partner.

 

My partner is a wonderful person. A beautiful woman. She is kind, she is funny and she has character. She has HSV, which is what it is. It doesn't define her. I love her for who she is, for her heart and the gift of humanity that she is to me.

 

When my partner told me; she was filled with shame, guilt and felt dirty. It broke my heart to see her in such pain. To know the burden that she'd been carrying. When somebody loves YOU, they will care for YOU and how the HSV has affected YOU. I'm not saying it wasn't hard for me to hear the 'news'. And we had earnest conversations about how this affected me at the time too. But I got educated and my heart breaks for all those who have to deal with the stigma and the emotions that go along with it.

 

I'm not promising that you will find someone. I hope that you do. I have many beautiful girlfriends who are single. My sister is an amazing person and she is single. But do you see, they don't have HSV. Being single doesn't define a person, having HSV doesn't define a person. Be the best person you can be and engage with life. It is a beautiful and precious gift. The world needs the gift of what you can bring to it.

[misskellyrenee]

Welcome to the forum!

I am sorry you are going through this. I understand that kind of crazy, almost love at first sight chemistry, so I know how you must be feeling.

I want to give you a perspective that will help you out once you hold it to be true for yourself.

People's reaction to you have almost everything to do with them, and not yourself. You can control how you disclose, what you say and how you act, but you can't control how they act and what they think.

When they react poorly and judge you, that is their judgement about themselves. Their whole lives they have had these ideas and stigmas about whatever it is. They form their judgements, ideas and feelings around it. Then you are confronting those very ideas. If you could have it, they could have it. Then what does that mean for them? Does that mean all the things they thought about people with herpes before is now true about them? About the person they love? It's like that moment you realize that no one has the right answer and we are all doing the best we can. Its relieving and terrifying all at the same time. It is in that instance that many people flee because their mind is so overconsumed with thoughts that they don't know what else to do.

Another thing to remember is that if it wasn't Herpes, it would have been something else. Herpes isn't the end all be all of life. Yes it is tough at times and it isn't always easy, but on a scale of life struggles and harships, there are much higher things on the scale.If a person can't be there for you in a moment of need, how can they be there for you in those moments where it requires a different kind of emotional strength?

In addition, I find it interesting how our society chooses which kind of struggle we want to support. Cancer is incredibly difficult and one of the most emotionally taxing things someone and their loved ones can go through, but because our society doesn't stigmatize cancer in the same way as an STD, one thing becomes more acceptable to support and discuss than the other. Why isn't all struggle treated the same? Why is one struggle okay to stick around for and not the other?

Someone who sees struggle as struggle, and sees your struggle and pain regardless of what it is as an opportunity to love you and support you is the person you want to be with.

[beautifullybroken]

@JustASkinCondition

 

I do agree with the 5 stages of grief you explained.. It hasn't been easy to let go of this, but removing myself completely from the situation for now has made it less likely to make it any worse. We still haven't talked but I am really eager for some sort of closure, so we can still be friendly to each other and so it's not totally awkward when I see him ( I will see him from time to time I'm sure )

 

I have been with people before, I've had boyfriends.. and I've always been the one that has left because I used to think I had to settle for anybody who would accept my HSV, which is simply not true. I deserve a good person who makes me happy, somebody who is a positive person with goals in life. It saddens me to hear you say "I'm not promising that you will find someone" that actually gave me a bit of anxiety the first time I read it, a quick thought of " what if I'm alone forever ? " I stopped myself though, and reminded myself a lot of this just has to do with myself and how I approach things.

 

I just have to be well educated and aware of people I come in contact with, I know going into the social work field that I will meet the most understanding of people and I hope to one day find somebody who connects with me and simply loves me for me regardless of a little baggage. Everyone has baggage, Mine happens to be something 80 percent of people live with. I don't have any doubt in my mind that there's someone out there for everyone.. positivity and outlook is just a huge factor in finding success.

 

I am glad to hear you have a girlfriend and you love her unconditionally, and I am positive there are lots of men out there like you :) Just have to find them.

[WCSDancer2010]

@misskellyrenee

 

People's reaction to you have almost everything to do with them, and not yourself. You can control how you disclose, what you say and how you act, but you can't control how they act and what they think.

When they react poorly and judge you, that is their judgement about themselves. Their whole lives they have had these ideas and stigmas about whatever it is. They form their judgements, ideas and feelings around it. Then you are confronting those very ideas. If you could have it, they could have it. Then what does that mean for them? Does that mean all the things they thought about people with herpes before is now true about them? About the person they love? It's like that moment you realize that no one has the right answer and we are all doing the best we can. Its relieving and terrifying all at the same time. It is in that instance that many people flee because their mind is so overconsumed with thoughts that they don't know what else to do.

 

BINGO!!! That sooooo hits the nail on the head!!!!

 

@beautifullybroken

 

I have been with people before, I've had boyfriends.. and I've always been the one that has left because I used to think I had to settle for anybody who would accept my HSV, which is simply not true. I deserve a good person who makes me happy, somebody who is a positive person with goals in life. It saddens me to hear you say "I'm not promising that you will find someone" that actually gave me a bit of anxiety the first time I read it, a quick thought of " what if I'm alone forever ? " I stopped myself though, and reminded myself a lot of this just has to do with myself and how I approach things.

 

See, that's the thing... one little *negative* word or sentence just brought up all your fears.... "I'm not promising that you will find someone" ..... but you totally missed that @JustASkinCondition went on to talk about all his beautiful H- friends who are single. The mind can be a dangerous place... at least until you learn how to put it in it's place ;) When you can quickly catch that instant response that sends you to the negative place, and say to yourself "Ok mind, you are not being real here. There's no proof that I will *not* find someone... he just said that there is no PROMISE that I will find someone" you can change where your thoughts are taking you. Or as I told a dance student who is really, really insecure the other day:

 

Whether you believe you can

or you believe you can't

you are right

 

Peace

 

 

[beautifullybroken]

@misskellyrenee

 

Thankyou for your support, I do agree with you. He really was just shocked by what I was telling him, he really didn't offer any emotional support or comfort towards me. It was just really awkward. I was beating myself up over HOW I told him but in the end I don't think I would have got a different reaction from him either way.

 

My best friend who I've been talking to actively about this entire situation, told her boyfriend whats going on ( he is best friends with the guy I'd been seeing ) and what she just told me today had me shocked. Her boyfriend just came out and told her that he has genital warts. He's going to talk to the guy I guess too. I have very strong reason to believe that even if I don't get what I want from all of this, I helped somebody else come out of the closet to his loved one and nothing has changed between the two of them

[WCSDancer2010]

Her boyfriend just came out and told her that he has genital warts.

 

Genital Warts (HPV) is VERY common... and usually once you've had it a few years and they have burned them off, it goes dormant.... I guess that's why he just told her... he likely figured it wasn't a big deal (and it isn't). HPV is a weird virus too and I'm not sure about what the "disclosure rules" should be if you are beyond the 2-3 yr point where it usually goes quiet and (from what I understand) isn't likely to be passed on. There's a lot of confusing info out there about HPV too ... even *I* have trouble with being sure of my facts and I've researched it a fair bit :/

 

[beautifullybroken]

This is just such a rollarcoaster right now, one minute when I'm keeping myself busy it will stop hurting but then it punchs me in the face again and I just break down in tears. I just feel so worthless sometimes. I hate how up and down it's making me feel. I am just so sad right now. I wish I could disappear. The emotions are like tidal waves ripping through my heart.

 

I wish I could just simply move on but I just miss being wanted...

[JustASkinCondition]

@beautifullybroken

 

I have been formulating my thoughts in trying to respond to your message in regards to feeling 'saddened' by what I said. Maybe I was fool-hardy and could've put things together more tactfully or respected that you are actually in pain and grieving right now, and kept quiet about that point of view.

 

Pardon me if I'm sounding like a broken record. I'm just passionate.

 

I feel for what you are going through. This isn't easy. I can't even imagine. And my heart goes out to you with that last message. It is a rollercoaster and like I said with the stages of grief. It will be a rollercoaster of going back and forth through those stages. Grief comes at you like waves. But if you deal with it in a healthy way. If you engage with the process; each time they will ease. You grow, you gain perspective and you gain wisdom. (I will note sometimes a big dumper wave comes out of nowhere) But again, it is part of the process. It's easy to think that 'I am going backwards. I thought I was moving on'. It's normal to go back over the stages. Repeating the stages is not going backwards. It is necessary. It is moving forwards.

 

Now I hope you hear me right in this. I will try and put this together well. What I was trying to express by saying; 'I'm not promising that you will find someone'. Is that, equally as much as your worth is not to do with whether or not you have HSV. Your worth is not wrapped up in whether you have a partner or not. I'm encouraging you to not let HSV hold you back and not let a breakup or the rejection hold you back. By all means, it hurts, so feel it. Engage with it, but process it and move forward.

 

You're worth is in who you are and your heart. So focus on that. Whether you have only one leg, or you are single. That doesn't change. That shouldn't hold you back from living a full and wonderful life. Find what it is that blows your hair back and makes you come alive. Know what it is that you want and each day do something to make it happen. You have life and you have something to offer the world. The world needs you at your best. The world needs the gift of who you are. Too many people merely exist. Too few people truly live. You sound passionate about your social work. Great! That sounds like such a good thing for you to focus on.

 

I look on this website and am so happy about how it is turning the perspective of contracting HSV to an opportunity. There is a big part of me that does see this as an opportunity* **. The shock of this diagnoses and the process that people are going through to seek healing has so many positive out workings. The perspective that people are gaining about life, what matters most and what is important in a relationship is such a gift.

 

* It's at this point I want to acknowledge that for some of you this is not merely a mild skin condition. That you deal with the worst of the symptoms and have a significant amount of physical pain, atop of the psychological pain to deal with. My empathy and hugs go out to you.

 

** Also, for some of you. You have contracted HSV by encountering the worst of humanity. Whether some one lied to you or was violent to you and did not respect you as a wonderful person. I want to acknowledge that. My heart goes out to you. You have my deepest empathy. You did not deserve this. But let me emphasise. That does not take away your worth.

 

Much love and peace to you all. My hope is that you find healing. You gain wisdom and that your life flourishes.

[WCSDancer2010]

@JustaSkinCondition

 

I just want to say I have a cyber-crush on you.... LOL ... sooo wonderful to hear from a H- person who can let people on here see that there ARE people out there who really get us, who have empathy for us and who will love us AND our little H friend.

 

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for giving us a perspective from "the other side". I for one really appreciate it.... your GF is a VERY lucky girl to have you to stand by her :)

 

 

[beautifullybroken]

I agree, you're both wonderful and amazing to hear from.. you really are making a huge impact on my life right now. @JustASkinCondition you really just brought tears to my eyes with how beautifully written you put that.. it meant the world to me that a total stranger took the time to take my feelings into consideration... I know the underlying issue is just my anxiety. I've had a lot of people in this town heckling me about my condition, bullies. Just trying to get a reaction out of me, I've remained strong on the outside.. they may not see how much it's truly broken me down in the past, but bullying is never an easy thing to overcome.

 

I've had it happen a few times, and that's just part of rejection too. It just doesnt take much sometimes when I get worked up for me to go over the top.. and overreact to things that I take the wrong way. All because of cruel uneducated people ( Probably some of which have something themselves and they deal with it by making fun of me )

I just really hope I can raise some awareness, helping people is my passion and when I went over to my friends tonight It really scared/saddened me.

 

My friends boyfriend of 4 months now, just told her after all this time of unprotected sex that he has HPV ( Only because of seeing my strength in telling someone first ) As I find that courageous in itself, and I don't think he's a bad or evil person.. that is still putting someone elses health in jeopardy. They are still together and everything but the lack of education in all of it is what had me SUPER concerned. Not just for them, for the world.

 

Not only did they first confuse HPV With HSV ( Yeah, they thought I had the exact same thing) I talked to my friends Mom about it all aswell and she seemed to think that HPV just disappeared, as SHE has it too and SHE (my friends mother is a PSW.. ) not to say shes a doctor or anything but that just goes to show that Someone like me is actually more educated than an actual health care provider. They are entirely different things.. which I tried to explain but I honestly still think they were all confused.

 

I honestly felt talking to my friends Mother would be a good decision (In a way it still was, because it made me realize how educated in all of this I actually am compared to other people.. and that I really badly want to raise awareness to people) She actually said to me near the end of our conversation " I just wouldnt tell the next guy that you're with " I JUST WAS FLABBERGASTED, I explained to her I was not willing to take away that decision from someone.. and that I'd never feel comfortable putting someone elses health at risk like that. It's not right. She just didn't understand.

 

It was just shocking, for me to hear all of this. Really worried me.. and I heard stories about yet another girl who I don't know.. who's going around sleeping with people and not saying a word to them about it.. unprotected, and knowing she has a HSV. It's all made me feel like an awesome and respectful person for being so courageous and basically a good person for always disclosing with my partners.. and I will openly admit in the past I had a couple times where I used condoms without telling people ( I am only human and made mistakes when I was younger and uneducated but I have changed drastically)

 

Sorry to veer off topic here, but I am just really looking for some input in all of this.. is this really how most of the world looks at STDS? It's not physically there so it's gone? I just don't understand the ignorance.

[misskellyrenee]

Personally, I would stay away from using the phrase "most people," because usually it isn't true. I think that may be how SOME people view STDs.

SOME people think that only gross and sleazy people get it.

SOME people think it is something that you should hide.

SOME people know nothing about it, refuse to get educated, and yet still say rude things.

 

MOST people however, are smart, compassionate and understanding.

 

I do think though, that there is a lack of STD education that leads to misunderstanding of basic things such as how long a virus or bacteria stays in the body. I have a feeling we won't have that conversation until a large number of people are diagnosed and assumed to have genital herpes. Personally, I don't think that is too far away in history terms. It happened with HPV. If it was treated as something that you are just likely to get or will more than likely get if you are sexually active, then there will be more education.

[WCSDancer2010]

@beautifullybroken

 

I've had a lot of people in this town heckling me about my condition, bullies.

 

Honey - you do know that is all about THEM and not about YOU, don't you??? When you can get that to your CORE, their words won't hurt you any more. Promise. I want that to be your mantra from now on when someone is hurtful .... "This is about THEM and NOT about me".... AND if you can view them with compassion in spite of their ignorance and hurtfulness, you will get even stronger. Somehow I think you will be able to rise to the occasion ... you sound like a powerful, smart young lady. The only thing is that YOU have to believe in yourself..... ;)

 

So - quick way to explain HSV vs HPV... (yeah, they could have named them differently so they wouldn't get confused :p )

 

HSV - USUALLY resides on the outer part of the lips/chin/mouth or the boxer area of the body , but CAN be caught elsewhere (including inside the vagina and in the mouth/throat). Only 2 strains that affect the genitals) About 20% of the population has HSV2... 80% has HSV1... and those stats are up to age 50 ... thanks to viagara I'll bet the numbers are WAAAY higher if you go to age 80 :/

 

HPV - over 100 strains ... 40ish which affect the genitals. 2 cause warts that can be burned off. About 4-6 *can* cause cancer (which means that all those women who you have known who have an "abnormal Pap smear" likely had a strain. According to the CDC, EVERYONE who is sexually active (and they include those with few partners) is likely to get it at some time or other...thankfully most don't seem to do any harm. The good news about the cancers that they cause is that they are generally slow growing...taking up to 5 yrs to go from pre-cancer to cancer (which is still very treatable at that point.. and actually many of those spots will clear up on their own or with Folic Acid ... which is a vitamin ... treatment). So getting regular Pap smears is your best defense against it. The general thought (from what I gather) is that it usually goes dormant after 2-3 yrs. It seems that all the rest of the HPV strains are thought to be harmless by medical science. So I think that is why people are not as "bothered" about telling others they have it, and until recently we were being told by Dr's that it disappears (You have to remember that Science/Medicine is ALWAYS changing their understanding of things...so it's not always the fault of the Dr's, it just that they haven't discovered all the facts yet ... the hard part is keeping the Dr's up to date on it all!)

 

I read somewhere that an OBGYN was complaining that she's getting a lot more HSV+ results in teens and young people now because they get the Gardisil shot and think they are *safe* for STD's ... they are confusing the 2 viruses... and/or they think Oral sex is ok (and 60% have cold sores by the time they are young adults). The sex education system is failing these kids miserably .... tho it may also be that they are not paying attention when in class too... :(

 

So really, I wouldn't freak out too much for your friend ... to be honest, most men are likely carrying the HPV virus (at least one strain or another) because they can't be tested ...so most won't know unless a GF had an abnormal pap smear OR if they got a wart on their genitals (Imma guessing that is the one he has). So while it would have been nice to tell her beforehand, it's not likely to be anything that should be a huge concern as long as she gets her Pap smears on a regular basis (which any woman should do).

 

And "education" has nothing to do with this ... social workers have nothing to do with STD's in their day-to-day work. Hell, even Doctors and Nurse Practitioners are often out of date on their info :P

 

And @misskellyrenee - We have a LOT of things going on behind the scenes here at H Opp and I'm really excited about them .... Adrial is trying to wrap up the Home Study coursework and he's also working on the H Opp weekend in Sept but in amongst all that he's also working with Sex Educators and others to start to get the word out and get some backing for our work. I hope we will have some big things to announce in the not-too-distant future ;)

 

The HIV community is starting to fight back against their stigma (I can't imagine having to disclose about THAT ... but as Magic Mike Tyson has proved, you can have a 20 yr marriage with HIV, have 2 beautiful children , and never pass it to your wife... that is doing soooo much to help to take the sting off of the stigma for them. And the Gay community has a new set of Ads on Logo that are about "Full Frontal Honesty" - I'll add the link at the bottom to them ... somehow they won't play all the way through for me... I hope they play for you ... I'm hoping we can get a campaign like that going some day soon.

 

I see more and more programs on TV about people with "differences", about different sexual preferences, and about sex in general. I believe that we are FINALLY breaking free of the constraints of our Puritanical heritage around sex ... which is what I believe has caused a lot of the silence around these issues (that and the CDC's policies on testing, etc ... which we are also hoping to change).

 

So - there's hope my friends ... and YOU can be part of the movement. The more you educate, the less the stigma. Whether it's the one close friend you can trust, or your friends mother, or whatever ... education is the key to killing stigma ;)

 

Peace

 

Here's the link for the Full Frontal Honesty campaign

 

Real Men Revealed - Logo TV

[WCSDancer2010]

And @beautifullybroken

 

It sounds like you are somewhat out of the closet already, but it may help you to read about my "coming out" story ... I'm 100% out and I am finding that I only have 100% support from everyone ... of ALL ages ... and I attribute that to 2 things:

 

1) I only surround myself with positive people (as opposed to + people ...LOL )

and

2) I chose to stand tall with my status, because bullies are basically people with little self-confidence and if you can go up to them, and say with full self confidence "I have Herpes, what of it?" ... they have nothing to come back with....

 

AND, I'm fully out even on all my regular dating profiles and if anything I am getting contacted by men who are a much higher "quality" prospect than before, because they value my honesty and "bravery" ( I don't feel brave, but that is how they see it). I'm talking to a guy right now who is sounding like someone who has great potential for me who just can't get enough of my honest approach to life .... and THAT is the kind of man I want in my life ... why settle for anything less?

 

Anyhow, here's the link to my story ... maybe something in it will speak to you and help you find YOUR confidence to turn things around in the way people are treating you

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1754/im-out-of-the-herpes-closet