Struggling with the news that I have herpes

[Snowy123]

For the last few months my boyfriend and I haven't been getting along, he's has been suffering with depression for a long time and after arguments and not getting anyway, he suddenly told me out of the blue that when he was with his ex-girlfriend, she cheated on him and gave him herpes. Now after we have been together nearly 7 years I've only just found out.

I feel so betrayed, and can't believe he never told me. I haven't been tested for herpes. But I know I've had outbreaks, reason I never went to doctors was because I had shingles a few times and when I had an outbreak I thought it might of been that, and just brushed it aside.

 

Since finding out about it, I've had a few outbreaks, maybe it's because I've been thinking about it lots and been worrying.

After reading up about the struggle people have with having "the conversation" I can see it must of been hard. But I can't help but be mad at him all this time he's known and never told me. I know there is nothing that can be done about it. I have it now. I want to be able to not let it take over my life.

 

I feel so confused, It's heartbreaking that the person I love so much could lie to me all this time about something so important.

 

Has anybody else been kept in the dark about it?

[willow]

Hi snowy123!

i totally understand your struggles! I had an experience almost similar....

8 years ago i was dating this guy who i swore up and down had to be the one, i was young and imressionable,, and believed everything this guy told me.

i had a strange discomfort going on and went to the doc. She exxaamined me and declared i have warts!

I was terreified! She wasnt nice about it either..... long story short..

the guy broke up with ME! because of the std. I did all the research i could on that virus and realized he had given me the std, 1 because he had cheated and i found that out from his friends 1 month later.. and2 i was (and still am) monogamous and 3 the guy before him was about 5 months prior to that relationship, and i found out about he std 6 months into the relationship.

Dumb is what dumb does... cant change people, can only change yourself, learn from this experience!

Let your man know how much u love him, ask why he didnt tell u before? Knowlwdge is power, the more you know the less afraid and sad you will be! Let him know how u feel, but remember to listen to how he feels, or you'll just be mad for the rest of your life!

xox

[Snowy123]

Thank you for your post willow, I guess it's something that over time I will just accept.

My partner has had about 8 years to accept it, I have only know about this and research about it all in the last month. I still feel embarrassed about it, and haven't told anyone. That's why I'm glad I found this site so I can talk to other people in the same situation.

I try to talk to him about it all but where he is suffering with depression it's very hard to bring it up. He is having counselling (for various other things) and I know he does feel terrible for keeping this a secret from me. But still doesn't change how I feel. It's just going to take a while I guess for me to accept. Which I seem to feel is a big part in moving on and not letting it take over my life. But that's easier said than done isn't it?

[willow]

I think the best advise i can give u is.. learn what u can on herpes, adrial has posted a video on the facts here on the website, i saw it for the first time last night and it helped me understand so much more!

 

 

Once u know and learn about the virus... then you and your man can talk together about the frustrations ur having.

 

its hard to skip if you if you havent learned how to walk....

 

8 years is a long time to go without support... maybe ask him to join the site as well! Then BOTH of you will have have the knowledge and power to love each other unconditionally!

xox

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@Snowy123

 

First - Hello and Welcome.. :)

 

I agree with Willow ...see if you can get your BF to join here. This is a "No-Judgement zone" ... so while we will call a spade a shovel and say what he did was not right, it's done, and now you are both dealing with the results. Likely he has been holding in a lot of shame and self loathing and this is a great place for people to come and realize that you don't have to live like that with Herpes....

 

I would also suggest that you see if you can join him for a session or two with his therapist who may help him to vocalize his fears and thoughts. Odds are he was afraid you would leave if he told you ... and he's lived in fear for all this time. No wonder he's struggling with depression! Esp now knowing that you likely do have it. There's been a breach of trust and it would do you both good to have someone to guide you through this time while you re-build that trust ... or if you choose to part, at least you can both find closure around it.

 

Do know you are FAR from alone in this and that we are here to help you while you adjust to your situation...

 

And BTW, I would go and get tested for EVERY STD ... just in case he has carried anything else - for one, men can carry HPV and not know it and there are other STD's that can be very silent ... you are likely fine but better safe than sorry...

 

(((HUGS)))

[Snowy123]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I did go and get tested for all other STD's because i needed to know for sure that there was nothing else he was hiding from me. So I know I'm all clear from everything else and she said that they don't test for herpes but she said when I have a breakout to come back and she can let me know for sure. Although I'm pretty sure that I have it.

Regarding the therapy, he's having sessions alone and his therapist said that he needs a few more sessions alone before we have sessions together.

I think you're right, regarding the breach of trust, I'm really hoping we can rebuild and move forward. It's just really hard at the moment.

Thank you again for your support, it's great having someone to talk to. I don't feel so alone. :-)

[Snowy123]

Also thank you willow for the video, made me feel a bit more positive.

[willow]

You're welcome! And Good luck with everything! Dont give up on yourself...

it takes time to heal emotionally, sorry u are going thru such trying times

xox

[strongsoul]

Hi snowy,

First and foremost, let me just say that I'm so sorry about your boyfriend not being honest with you. You asked if anyone else could relate about being left in the dark, and well, I absolutely, 100% can relate.

3 years ago I started dating a guy who had been pursuing me for months. I was never interested in him in the beginning, but I think it was all due to timing. When I decided to give him a shot, it wasn't long after that I was head over heels in love. But like willow and her story, I was also young and naive. This guy and I had mutual friends, one of them being someone i had considered to be a "big brother" type of friend. He always had my best interest and I knew he would always be there for me if I ever needed it. Well, he had warned me one night that my boyfriend (at that time) was nice, but that he was a huge liar. I sort of brushed it off bc when he said that to me, it wasn't the right time or place to start asking why he was telling me that. Plus, I wanted to

Give my x the benefit of the doubt. People can change, right? I mean, I truly loved this guy and thought he was the one. Never had I felt this way about anyone in my life. So I thought for sure he felt the same way about me.

About 4 1/2 months into our relationship, I went to the obgyn for my annual pap. About a week later, I remember I woke up to a voicemail from my dr's office asking me to please call them back. I'll never forget that moment. I had gotten into my car to call them

Back bc I just knew something was wrong. After the obgyn told me it looks like I have herpes...it was like I blacked out. I don't remember even hearing her voice after that part. all I kept thinking was to please wake me up from this nightmare! I couldn't believe it. I had been tested before I started dating this guy, and I was clean. So why after almost 5 months of dating and being monogamous is this appearing? I really didn't want to tell my boyfriend by accusing him, but chances were that he had to of been the one who transmitted the virus to me. so I of course told my boyfriend, and he said he had been tested and that he was clean but that he loved me for telling him. And that was that. At the time, all I was worried about was his reaction. It wasn't until months later, when I realized what a narcissistic, abusive, pathological liar he was, that had me flashing back to that moment of telling him. So OF COURSE he would accept it and be okay with it.

Man oh man I wish I would have listened to my big bro that day he warned me. Maybe had I lactually listened, I may not have been put through the emotional and physical abuse I allowed for over a year and a half. It may not have stopped contracting herpes...but it sure as hell would have saved a lot of the healing I have to do on top of accepting the fact I have herpes.

I'm so sorry for this long post, but I want you to understand that I feel for you. In so many ways. I hope that you don't set your own feelings aside bc you feel like your boyfriend has to deal with too many of his own right now. You deserve to put you first. And I hope that's what you do. Realizing that was what ultimately allowed me to free myself from the hell of a relationship I was in. Some days have been really tough for me. But I don't let this skin condition stop me from flourishing into a better person. Life has too many beautiful things to offer. And that's part of the light I've been able to see through this crazy tunnel.

[WCSDancer2010]

Wise words @Strongsoul , wise words indeed ;)

[Snowy123]

Hey strongsoul, your story has brought me to tears. I think I know deep down in my heart that things aren't right between us. I remember when he told me that he had given me the virus, I had the black out feeling too, it was like my whole world caved in. One of my first thoughts was I'm trapped with him now, and I can't meet anyone else because of how ashamed I feel.

I can't even tell my mum, I want to, but I'm worried of everyone's reaction. I know it's not a life ruining condition and I still have my life ahead of me. But why do I feel so trapped and lonely.

I keep holding on thinking this will work, thinking we both have the same condition and we can be together but I know that's not a good enough reason to stay with each other if everything else is falling apart.

I do need to put myself first! It's just so hard.

Everyone is so nice on this forum. I really hope one day I can be a support to someone.

Thank you for your support. Xx

[strongsoul]

Snowy,

You're response has me feeling like I'm reading something I would have said 2 years ago. Gosh sweetie, I just know all too well how you're feeling. I stayed with my x for a year and a half longer than I should of, and a huge reason for that was bc I had the same thoughts you did. On top of all that, I had moved out of state and he followed me to come and be with me (we were engaged and I had planned on moving before we started dating.) but I can't tell you how often he would make me feel bad about HIS decision to move away. He would constantly hold that over my head, and I felt obligated bc of it. Not only did I feel obligated bc of that, but Knowing I had herpes was just another justification as to why I should stay with him. He was depressed too. He hated where we lived and always made sure to let me know. He was seriously awful to me and his drug and alcoholism didn't help. I know it's scary to tell your mom. But I promise you sweetie, if she's your mom, she'll love you regardless. My mom is one of the only people that knows I have it, and if it weren't for her support, I don't know where I would be throug out this process. I remember when things got really bad, I called her and told her the same thing--that I felt trapped. Like I was destined to stay with this asshole bc of all the guilt and shame. My mom was the one constantly reminding me that I had the choice. I choose my own happiness. And to not let someone who's so selfish and hateful take away from the loving, caring and happy person I've always been. I knew for a long time it wasn't gonna work...but I had to be 100% ready to leave and let go. And when I finally did (a year and a half later) i was liberated. Now, I wish I could say once I ended it everything was fine, bc that wasn't the case. It won't be easy. It'll be really hard. But I promise you, respecting yourself and honoring what you know is best for you will make you feel empowered in the long run. Like I said before, life is way too short to be holding yorself back bc of someone else's miserableness. You are so much better and stronger than you realize. You just have to put yourself in uncomfortable positions to realize that sometimes.

I seriously want to talk to you more about this. I feel like I could offer you a lot of advice. Let me know if you want to talk more outside of this forum love.

 

Smile my dear!! You are beautiful! And everything is gonna be okay. You just har to believe that now.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Snowy

 

I certainly can't talk from experience of abuse ... but honey, you must get it in your soul that you should not stay just because you both have H. It should be the very last "reason" to stay.... in fact, it shouldn't enter the equation at all. I promise you, we have people on here all the time who are finding love with H- partners ... H doesn't define who you are and it won't stop you from finding someone who treasures you and loves you no matter what.

 

I was under the assumption that you had something worth salvaging ... if you are feeling trapped, then that is a pretty big red flag that you need to get out, get distance, and figure out what YOU want and what is right for YOU.

 

I hope you will reach out to @Strongsoul ... the best person to talk to is someone who understands not only your situation but also how it affects your psyche.... this is the beauty of this site - we are here to help each other....

 

(((HUGS)))