Messed Up Big Time... Need Advice to Regain Trust!!!

[roxycuvee]

I messed up big time and need advice about how to handle the situation...

 

I have a close male friend who I have known for almost 20 years. We met in high school and we've had a thing for each over on and off since then. I always kind of thought I'd end up with him and compared everyone I dated to him but I was always hesitant about ruining our friendship... Then I found out I had herpes about 5 or 6 years ago, and I had randomly heard him make some negative comments about STDs and such in passing, so I just kind of gave up on the idea up because he's pretty dramatic and a germa-phobe and I thought that he thought that I wasn't going to be good enough for him.

 

Well fast forward to last fall... All the tension finally gave way and we started spending a lot of time together and becoming intimate... And I wanted to tell him about my situation, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was sooo scared that he would reject me. I could handle that kind of rejection from a stranger, but from him... it would have killed me. I know that's not a valid excuse, but essentially I was terrified of losing him after we had finally gotten to a point that I had wanted for sooooooo long. Anyway, we started sleeping together, protected, and it was wonderful. I have had a really hard time enjoying sex and for once I wasn't being paranoid about the herpes, I was just concerned with the present moment... And it felt sooo good to not have to deal with the situation. I mean I thought about it after the fact, but you know what I mean. Anyway, I kept putting off telling him and when I finally did, he freaked out. Like he just went silent and didn't speak to me for almost a week. After he kind of got over it he said he had been really angry with me. Which I understood, but I thought he was over-reacting… and so did some of his friends. We have a lot of mutual friends and I late found out that he had brought the situation up to one of them, who discussed it with her boyfriend and etc… At first I was really pissed that he was discussing my personal business, but then I thought about it and if the tables had been turned I would have wanted to discuss the situation with my friends too, so I get it… And it really helped that his friends yelled at him and told him he was making a big deal about nothing. I still cannot believe how poorly I handled this. I care about this man more than any other and I did not act the part, at all. We talked briefly about it. I assured him that I would never put him in harm’s way (even though I just kind of did) and gave him a rundown of how it’s easier for a woman to be exposed than a man and that I hadn’t had any outbreaks or symptoms when we were together and that he couldn’t contract the virus from simply touching me. He said that he didn’t really know much about it so I said he should get tested because he could have already had it without knowing. I don’t believe he has been tested yet, but he does need to.

 

 

Recently after that, I left town for a bit and will be returning soon. I have visited with and have been communicating with this gentlemen, and things have been fine for the most part and we have talked about the possibility of pursing something together when I return. So if that does happen, what am I supposed to do to earn trust points or how do I handle discussing this situation after the fact since I didn’t do a good job of it to begin with. I mean we’ve been intimate since then so he might be ok with it, but it needs to be discussed. Do I send him some literature? What do I do? And, I'm totally in love with him, like a lot.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@roxycuvee

 

First - Welcome. Glad you found us.

 

So: Tough Love Alert!

 

Yeah - you messed up. I know you *think*you are ok because you haven't had an OB but do you understand the facts around Viral Shedding? Even with a condom he will have a small (2-3%) chance of getting it. And for many, that's no big deal, but given his germ-phobe tendencies it may be too much for him... AND...he deserves to make that CHOICE.

 

So I would print out the info on here (links below) and tell him to come on and ask as much as he needs from people who live with this (or who have partners with it) about the reality of living with a partner with H.

 

And - given his germ-phobe tendencies I'd go on anti-virals - at least until HE says he is ok with the increased risk of getting it from you without them.

 

As for regaining trust. Time, my friend. And you may have to prove to him time and again that you are not lying about other things ... because once trust is broken, it can take a looooong time to repair.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

[roxycuvee]

@WCSDancer2010

 

Thank you for your advice. I feel like a real a**hole for taking that decision away from him. I still feel terrible about it.

 

I also do understand the risk with the shedding and have posted another discussion so that I can compare with other people...

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3267/confused-cannot-figure-out-triggers-tingling#Item_1

 

This is also why I asked him to get himself tested and I think I need to push that issue first and foremost. I did download those books and will certainly pass the literature onto him. I wanted to tell him to discuss it with his doctor too, but I feel like my doctor(s) downplayed the whole thing too much so I dunno if that is a good idea.

 

I know I messed up, but this situation really frustrates me and almost makes me feel like I should just forget about the whole thing because I am not good enough... And the worst part about this? I went out with a guy instead of him at some point when we were young and dumb, and that's who passed this along to me. Biggest mistake of my life for many reasons.

 

Sorry, I'm being dramatic, but I still have quite a bit of regret / anger and have lost soo much confidence because of this situation. I still feel like a walking disease sometimes.

[WCSDancer2010]

Tell him to go to Planned Parenthood for advice/info - Family Drs are often very behind on the latest info ... his other option might be a Urologist (sorta like the guys OBGYN).

 

Shoulda, woulda, coulda's don't do us any good - this is just one of those things in life that happen. Life assumes risk. Whether you get in a car, cross the street, and sooo many activities: there is a risk involved. And it's no different with sex. You wouldnt beat yourself up for an accident in your car (assuming you were not grossly negligent) ... so don't beat yourself up about this. Learn the lessons that are being shown to you now about making better choices with partners and keeping in integrity.

 

(((HUGS)))