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my girlfriend found out she has herpes. herpes transmission questions, viral shedding?

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we both went to the doctor to go get checked out. she hadn't been in about 3 years for an STD Sti because she was with the same person for 5 years. me on the other hand whenever I switch partners I would get checked after 3 months. she was clean of everything but got the news that she had HSV 2. she broke down bad whenever she told me and I told her we would see how things go.


I've done a lot of research and nothing really scares me except the whole asymptomatic viral shedding. which leads me to my questions. And also she hasn't had any visible symptoms


1. can she pass it to me by simple kissing hugging holding hands or anything non sexual? keep in mind she doesn't know what an outbreak feels like or looks like. I'm afraid that she could have it on her arms or her chest


2. is it wise for her to sleep in her panties in my bed?


I pay a lot of attention to her body now. like for instance she'll have bumps on her chest and whenever she does I try to stay away from it or she'll have bumps on her arms and I'll do the same and its not on purpose its just that the whole idea of catching it doesn't sit with me too well but I want to be with her. if we were married and I caught it would be a different story but just for the whole boyfriend girlfriend thing it's a bit too much for me. I really do like her and I want the relationship to work but since knowing.... things have definitely changed. she isn't on any type of medication since we stopped having sex also. please help me board!

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Well, the asymptomatic shedding is the scariest part, and one of the least understood. A couple of things; Your girlfriend hasn't had a visible outbreak. In fact, most don't. Typically, it means she's shedding at a very low rate. How much? Good question, but probably not very much. Maybe a few days a month.


1. Can she give it to you the ways you described? No. It's highly unlikely she has HSV2 orally, so kissing is perfectly safe. Could you get it by rubbing or laying next to each other naked? Possibly, but I wouldn't stress over it.


2. If your sheets are clean, why not? Cuddle, snuggle, enjoy each other's company.


Look, I get not wanting to catch it. None of us wanted to catch it. But, it is what it is. Sex is a risk, and if that risk involves sharing intimate moments with someone you truly care about...well, I say go for it.


There are some things you can do to reduce the risk. Condoms, avoiding sex during outbreaks (don't need to look all over her body, the groin area, buttocks, thighs, that's where you should look), and if your girlfriend were to go on suppressive therapy as a precaution, well, the risk drops to 1-2%. That's about the same for getting pregnant.


Now, a word of advice. Support her. Stand by her. It'll mean more to her than you'll ever know, and who knows, maybe one day you'll be coming on this board to invite us to the ceremony.

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Man Herry thank you a lot! I've tried calling the help hotlines (206-344-2549 and 919-361-8488) and couldn't get through for crap! There's this huge stigma about HSV and I will say that after reading up it seems to be over hyped. Lo siento my man if I offended you or anyone on here. Was not intended to at all just 100% honest pure feelings.


Story Time:

I've been trying my hardest to stand by her too. I remember when she called me and told me. I was on lunch at the post office and she was so broken up on the phone that she could barely talk. : / I knew as a man I had to be everything else to the side and be a friend first. And I like her more now than when she told me 2 months ago. She has ended up being my best friend and now my g/f. But lately she has become more comfortable with being positive I guess and somewhat changed. She says I dont touch her anymore but we cuddle at night is an example. It all has boiled down to sex it looks like. I am sure you all have your stories and I plan to stay on this board, frequently visit, and talk to others ... possibly connect. @Herry @ Silliness thanks for the views and taking the time to care. See you all around : ]


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First - Welcome! I'm so glad you came on here to get educated so you can support your GF from a point of education rather than rumor and poor information :)


You are sooo over thinking this - you can't get it from her body ... she has it on her GENITALS ... not on her mouth, hands, arms or chest .... ;)


And speaking as someone who has had this 35 years and slept and spooned commando most of the time, you are quite safe there too unless she is in a full-on OB with major blisters, in which case I'd be careful ... and OB is just shedding on steroids and so that's when you really really need to be careful ... but you still don't have to worry about the non-boxer shorts area...


My friend ... were you worried about getting her pregnant before Herpes? Because if you were, you would have wrapped it and she would be on Birth control ... (at least, I would hope you would use a condom because too many men rely on us women to take total responsibility for pregnancy and I'm a grandmother of a baby who was conceived on BC so I KNOW you can't rely on it!). So what is the difference if she's on anti-virals and you use a condom? Your risk of getting Herpes is about the same then as of her getting pregnant ...


AND - Herpes can help your sex life get BETTER. Why? Because you have the perfect excuse to get creative during times when the other person is having an OB ;)




So look at the link below - it has some great information that may help you to feel better about everything...




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Thanks for the comment @WCSDancer2010. I see you on a lot of threads so I assume you must be a moderator. Regardless you are appreciated!


So if she has it on her genitals why do I keep reading how it can be transmitted to different body parts?


Not too worried about getting her pregnant. Just was not well educated on what was going on with her body. Just wanted to be safe and make sure that it was something I wanted to do. And we use a condom all the time. BUT now she is talking about what if this relationship goes into marriage, would you feel comfortable not using a condom. I had not really thought of that. Off the bat (no pun intended lol) im hesitant. A part of that is me having "trust issues"... my own problem I guess. I even thought about the whole improving sex life thing too! lol. But she isn't that adventurous.... so that got shut down : /



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Yes - H *can* get transferred to other body parts ... but it's very, very rare. And likely it would have been pretty obvious by now if she had it elsewhere...it usually happens right after you initially get Herpes before you build up the antibodies..so I really wouldn't worry about it.


There are many discordant couples who are together for 20+ years and the H- person never gets it.... there is always the risk but think about this... Life.Assumes.Risk. Period.


For instance: If we get in our car, we do certain things to reduce the risk of injury to ourselves and others. We get a license. We wear a seat belt. We buy a car with Airbags... some also have traction control/all-wheel drive/warning systems/etc. We maintain the tires and brakes. We obey traffic signals and laws. And hopefully we don't drive impaired. Now, in spite of all that, we might be in an accident some day. Does it stop you from getting in the car every day. No ;)



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  • 1 month later...

I have a question and Im not sure if Im posting in the correct spot or not. I met a guy about 2 years ago now, he told me when I met him that he had hsv2 but hadnt had an outbreak in over 2 years and that we should be ok sleeping together as long as he didnt have an outbreak. The first time I had sex with him he had an outbreak a couple of days later and every time since we have had sex he has an outbreak, he seems to think that I have it but I have had no signs of an outbreak, he's also slept with two other women since me met and claims to have had no outbreaks, could it be something in my system that is causing him to outbreak ie prescription meds I take or maybe my body being to acidic, I know I need to go get tested, but I wondered if anyone had a situation like this, I feel like he is blaming me for his outbreaks and his hsv2 but he already had it for at least 15 years before I met him. I was hoping things were going good for us again and that we may start a relationship but not now he has told me were dont and we can still be friends but he cant have sex with me anymore. I just dont understand why am I causing him to have outbreaks and not others

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Hello and Welcome!


The place to post your stories and questions is in the "Start Discussion" on the right just above "Categories ;)


You need to send your "friend" here ... he's terribly behind the times with his info.


15 yrs ago it was believed you could not spread H without an OB. That is old news and we now know that you CAN spread it (its called Asymptomatic Shedding) when an OB is not present. I suggest you print out the Diagnosis and Disclosure handouts and point him to the e-book here (all links below) and let him know that he is putting ALL his partners at risk.


*If* you have H2, you can't give him "more" of it or cause an OB in any way... it's HIS body reacting to some stressor or whatever .... so you need to tell him to stop blaming you for them.


Sounds like you are dodging a bullet with him and that "friends" is your best option.... once someone starts to put blame on others when they are not willing to get informed themselves, that's a pretty big red flag for me....


Handouts + disclosure e-book:



Print these out for him and tell him to come on here and we'll help to educate him and get him up to date....



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