Herpes sorts out if they deserve me....

[lelani]

This past weekend it's been a year since my diagnosis and I have come a full circle...the old feeling of who will want me surfaced - even though I have been with a couple of lovely men in that time, one herpes negative (a lover who keeps resurfacing) and one positive ( who I thought was the one but he went back to his ex...unfinished business). Mostly I am so into living I don't think much about herpes...but I also realise my independence is also a way of sometimes not having to deal with it either, in terms of a relationship.

 

I grieved this weekend for that light, fun feeling I used to have about dating. I have been single for seven years since my marriage ended, apart from a few months of fun dating (before herpes) and a couple of potential but very short relationships (one with my giver).

 

Before herpes I thought I knew everything I needed to know about STI's and was responsible, so I would be protected. I had contracted HPV when I was young through being cheated on. This time around with herpes it was a mutual disclosure...we both took a risk and I got his but he didn't get mine. I had experienced no HPV symptoms for about 12 years...and with my first episode of herpes it returned so my first episode was a two for one (and that is how I see myself now!). It's hard disclosing about one...and then have to basically say 'but wait, there's more!".

 

I can't deny its hard disclosing but what I have learned is that (and I have said it before on here) H is a good insurance policy for making better decisions about who you are intimate with, one that herpes unenlightened people don't have. I read something today that really spoke to me and although I know it, I needed to hear it again....

 

"When we give our bodies to another being, we are giving them a piece of our souls. We might want to take the time to find out if they deserve it."

 

Herpes sorts out if they deserve it...:-) and now I don't feel so sad :-)

[flygal]

What a great post! Lelani, you are so inspiring!

 

I'm having some trouble dealing with the fact that I took that light, fun feeling about dating away from a lovely man. We were in the early stages of dating, things were definitely going to the place of disclosure, so I did it. Badly, might I add. I guess I just didn't think there were still people out there that had no idea about STDs. I should have been less fearful, and more loving. Bless his heart, he's fairly recently divorced, and the info I gave him scared him to death. That's not my baggage, but I still feel terrible for ruining his newly single idea of dating! I am a believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason, but sure wish I wasn't the one to "enlighten" him. Hopefully it prevents him from exposing himself to something way worse than H.

 

Love the quote you gave us. It is so relevant to what we are living with! H is an opportunity and a lesson. Sounds like you are doing a great job of learning from it!

[Athena64]

I love the quote, lelani! I read that today as well and thought the same thing.

And I have to say a few things......

 

I am also one of the lucky girls with the 'two for one deal' - hpv in my early 20's that has just resufaced, and hsv2 from my last long term relationship. (I knew, made a less than educated decision. We were together for 8 years.)

 

Since our breakup, I have moved halfway back up the east coast of the US, made dozens of new friends, started pursuing a new career, volunteer for two charities that I have a shared passion and joined my local H group, where I co-facilitate the meetings. My life is absolutely joyous!

 

But I sometimes wonder if I'm keeping myself extra busy and not getting romantically involved with some very nice men as a way of keeping the H at arms length. Not putting myself out there, at the risk of being hurt. (My 'giver' did a real number on me during our breakup.)

 

Honestly, these thoughts don't cause me alot of stress, because I am so focused on taking off in a new direction, and I truly believe that when the right one comes along I will know it, AND he will love me as I am.

 

Dating can be insane! So many people have not dealt with their issues before moving on to the next date/partner. Throw HSV or HPV into the mix and it can be a recipie for disaster. (And I have met a few doosies!!!)

 

And flygal, don't be hard on yourself! I don't think any of us pulls off a 'perfectly orchestrated' disclosure every single time! We're human. And in the case of STD's ignorance is NOT bliss, and even if he is freaked out he will definately remember what you said. And maybe he'll make smart choices when he dives back into the dating pool.

 

So I agree 100% - Herpes does is fact sort out is he deserves us!

 

Much love ladies!

xoxoxo

[lelani]

OMG Don't feel bad about it flygal...you were giving him the best gift even if it didn't feel like it for either of you! There are heaps of people who have no idea of the 'joy's' of dating...or don't want to and blindly carry on being irresponsible. They think the fun is in sex...actually it isn't...my best and most fun dates haven't involved sex at all (well...not past flirting and kissing).

 

Glad you like the quote, I thought it was worth posting too...I had read it so long ago and it was perfect for how I was feeling - funny how these things come just at the right time. Hope you feel less fearful next time :-).

[lelani]

Much love back to you Athena...love your message and so sounds like me in every way!!! Another 'two for one' girl! xxxxxxx

 

[GreenEyes727]

Great reading! I haven't really dated in years, until recently. I went out on one date and, truth be known, I was fantasizing about kissing and having sex. I remembered how lovely it was but I know now that I probably would have ended up in bed with someone too soon again. Of course, I was going to tell him about my herpes. I was hoping that he would tell me that he had it too. I have to learn to date slowly and make sure that they are deserving of my soul. Thanks Lelani!

[lelani]

Hey you are welcome Greeneyes...I know that feeling too, it would be easy to just jump right in...because I love sex and think its lovely too. Take up dancing like me and you get to feel sexy all the time with heaps of different men and there is no issue of disclosing :-D