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Feeling hopeless


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It's been a little over a week since I found out I was hsv2 positive. I haven't actually said this out loud yet . I'm only 21 yo . I feel like my life was ripped out of my hands . I was in a very low place and made the biggest mistake of my life . I can't tell anyone . That's a lie I can tell my mom . My dad was hsv + and never gave it to my mom . But I can't help but still feel like I'm dirty . I have lost all motivation and ppl are noticing and I keep lying blame in guy on my period or other things but it's really just the fact that I can't stop thinking about it and the day it happened and why I let it happen. I can't even breathe sometimes . 2 days after I found out u started haveing prodome symptoms . Not many but I felt tingles , and itchy and I felt a pain in my lower abdominal . I thought it was a uti but now I know . I still haven't seen any bad lesions . All I see is tiny white bumps on my labia minora \ majora . They don't hurt or itch . It feels like I'm swollen and sensitive . I keep thinking this isn't happening . That it's all in my head . Sometimes I hardly notice it if I'm not focusing on it . But I'm usually allways focussing on it . I started the 10 day accyclvior (how ever you spell it lol) treatment I feel much better now but I still have the bumps . I'm just looking for some advice from ppl with the same symptoms . I got all the typical prodome symptoms , tingles then slightly itchy , slight burn when I pee , sensitivity , tiny white bumps but it has been 6 days since I started the treatment and the bumps are still there but they haven't changed or blisterd or anything . I'm just confused or in denial . But is this normal ? Am I overreacting ?

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Jenn,

 

It's good to meet you. Welcome to the club and believe me when I say that almost every person on this forum can relate, myself included.

 

Made a mistake? How? you had sex? That's not a mistake. You feel dirty? You're not dirty (well, unless you haven't taken a shower, in which case that's easy to rectify.)

 

Your emotions and the physical symptoms you are experiencing are absolutely normal. Your prodomes, feelings, and physical reactions are par for the course for those of us who experience symptoms. They will pass, I promise. Everyone's symptoms are different, but yours sound absolutely normal and within a few days they'll diminish, and in a week or so they will be gone.

 

For now, you need to try and get your mind off of it. Force yourself to work. Force yourself to keep moving forward. It's not easy, I know. I shut down for about 2 weeks when I had my first OB. Didn't want to go out. Didn't want to work. Didn't want to eat even. Then, one day I woke up and said "This isn't a way to live life" and I haven't looked back since.

 

I feel better, haven't had an OB since the primary, and herpes is now just a page in my past that I'll deal with when I start dating again.

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Oh and when I was tested it was by blood , at the time I showed no symptoms and felt fine , but it was a 2 week follow up after I went to the er because I was feeling irritated down there . No bumps . I was diagnosed with cervicitis told I looked swollen with a lil discharge but fine . and given some std tests , a shot and some pills . But the tests came back fine , I chalked it up on his size . I thought he probably was too big or somthing . So after that I felt fine . Got my gyni check up 2 weeks later was fine . Waited for my results in the mail. I didn't get a call back in over a month so I thought I was fine , she usually just sends the results in the mail so u wasn't worried . Then a month after that I get a letter stating she could not get in contact over the phone with me and needs to discuss my results . I almost died. Idk if this triggerd my ob or the fact that my ex keep pestering me to get a pregnancy test , and I thought I was pregnant and had aids . So to make matters worse when I called she was on a 3 day business trip and I had to wait till Saturday. Still no symptoms . Once I got the call I didn't kno where to turn , what to do , what to say , how to feel . I went numb and started to do extensive research . I started feeling like a uti was coming on so I was going to call and ask for a script but after reading I found out that's a symptom and I started to really freak the fuck out . Sorry for the language but I'm from Massachusetts and I'm a potty mouth lol. Any ways after I researched what to ask her I asked for the name of the test and the level . She said it was herpesselect EIA and my level was 5 for hsv2 . So it was a definite . I guess reality put me to shock and I started crying at work. Again blaming it on work stress . I just want to lay down and die . I kno I can't leave my mom or my best friend . I'm just lost

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Thank you Herry , I appreciate your kind words . I have very mild symptoms and pray it stays dormant . I started taking a multivitamin and extra vita c . I'll save l-lysine for if I ever have a horrible ob . Maybe it can save the day lol. I'm trying to be positive and put it into gods hands

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@Jenn

 

Welcome .... and (((HUGS))) ... you are in a great place to learn and find support...

 

Three things come to mind:

 

1) Sometimes I hardly notice it if I'm not focusing on it .

 

THAT is the secret to living with H. Most of the time you will hardly know it's there and the bottom line is you need to go on and live your life.... this is one extra challenge for you to deal with and even then it will likely on be a challenge a few times a year (maybe ... for some they never have another OB) and perhaps when you are getting into a new relationship ... but even then you can use it to help you make better choices in who you bring into your life....

 

2) My dad was hsv + and never gave it to my mom . But I can't help but still feel like I'm dirty .

 

Can you see the craziness in your thinking here? Because if YOU are dirty, so is your father ... and somehow I don't think that's true for either of you. AND, your mother is the FIRST person you should talk to ...because she will understand and has lived with someone with it .... what better support can you get than that?

 

and I thought I was pregnant and had aids .

 

Sooo I dont know about you but I think you just won the lottery if you got HSV and not an unwanted pregnancy and/or AIDS. Because both of them are also with you for life and Herpes will have the least impact on you right now..... at your age/stage of life, a baby would make it difficult (but not impossible, as my daughter has proved) to pursue college and a career and they put a big dent on your dating prospects in your age group, and AIDS, well, lets just say that in the grans scheme of things, I'll take Herpes for $1000 any day ... ;)

 

So try to look at your blessings, and get some support from your parents/friends. There has to be SOMEONE you trust with your deepest secrets. Don't stay alone in this .... and of course, WE are here to help you through this too...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

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Thank you @dancer your always know what to say . And I do know my mom will be okay , I just can't seem to get the words to flow . It's like they get caught in my throat. And I've taken a few days off work to get mentally stable . I am glad it was not aids and that I didn't get pregnant by my ex who has a girl pregnant now , I just wish I could get a do over . I know we all do . I am counting my blessings and praying for suppression . I'm changing my diet and cutting out all sugars and carbs , no soda . I've allways wanted to lose weight guess here's my chance to really stick to it . I hope to be as happy and open as you are and I guess this too comes with time . I'm looking forward to reading your inspirational posts , sending my prayers to you

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