Despite all I read here, I'm still so terrified and I want this to end.

[Guest]

Three years ago I had absolutely everything I could have dreamed of. I was hired by my dream job, I had a brilliant, beautiful girlfriend from Rio de Janeiro who I was madly in love with. I was finishing my M.A. I was in the best shape of my life since leaving the army in 2005. Everything was going right.

 

Then two years ago it started to crumble. We broke up. Badly. The breakup itself took almost a year. I tried to save it because I was in love. It wasn't ultimately worth saving or successful. It failed. Then I spent two years in therapy overcoming the abuse that was heaped on me toward the end. I started to hate my job and realize my education was so industry specific that I could never escape it. Then I hurt my back for the second time and had to have surgery, but put it off in the hope that it would heal naturally. If I had just had the surgery right away I would have avoided meeting the person I got HSV-2 from. I never would have been in that position, and I wouldn't be on the brink of taking my life tonight.

 

Now here I am. Two back surgeries and an imploded relationship later. My job ends in September and I lose my health insurance. I'm out of shape and losing my faith in humanity. I've lost my faith in myself and I can no longer function normally. I'm sick to my stomach over this.

 

Since my brother died in 2006 the only thing I could think of was getting married, having kids, and living the way he would have wanted me to. Now that's gone. That can never happen. It was hard enough for me to keep relationships going before this. Now it's impossible. I didn't think it was possible, but I bring even less to a relationship now than I did before.

 

I want to die. I simply don't want this anymore. 32 years of hell with a guarantee for another 50. I want it to end. I reject this life in its entirety. I don't want to be here anymore, but I'm too much of a coward to take my own life. That's what's stopping me. Cowardice. But I can't keep living under these conditions. I just can't do it. I have nothing left.

[HerryTheHerp]

Hey, I've been there. A lot of us have. I've lost jobs to downsizing, been miserable in jobs, and been so lonely that I cried myself to sleep. And, I've had the same thoughts. Just a few months ago my whole world came crashing down. I lost some big clients, my ex (whom I almost married) kept telling me all about her perfect life, family, and husband, and I got thrown out of a country on a visa violation. And, I got herpes and the woman who gave it to me wouldn't speak to me.

 

Trust me, I know what it's like to look up at the sky and pray for a lightning bolt, an out of control bus, or a sinkhole that suddenly opens up. I know how low you feel, and how scared you are.

 

Life doesn't always work out the way we want it to. It would be nice if it did, but it just doesn't work that way. So, you want to know what a real hero looks like? It's not the guy with the medals on his chest or the rank on his sleeve; it's the guy who when the chips are down and the odds are stacked, well, it's the guy who looks in the mirror and says "It's on!"

 

You're a coward? No. A coward is the guy who goes through with it. The guy who comes onto a public forum and airs his personal struggle for the world to see has more guts than he realizes. That guys got balls the size of basketballs. That's the guy you need to be listening to. And, if you won't listen to him, keep coming here. We'll be happy to listen to you and help hold you up as you get through this.

[rainyday5249]

It may not seem like it now but your life is worth something.. u do have a purpose and someone does want u... it wont happen overnight or with u puttin no effort yourself into it but your life can be exactly wat u want it to be.... just u admitting your thoughts shows your brave and u dnt want to truely die u want another way to live... u love yourself or u wldve already done it... i am jus 20 years old and ive battled depression and anxiety along with suicidal thoughts and near accomplishments so i kno exactly what your thinkin and wat u feel... so many times i wld drive down the road and think maybe ill drive my car ofd this bridge.. but i never did it.. i cried and kept drivin past the bridge.. u kno why.. cuz im here for a reason .. im meant to do somethin in this life.. and so r u... dont give up or give in... i promise ull be glad u stuck it out... herpes doesnt make u undateable... i felt the same wen i found out jus a week ago but its not true... i didnt understand how someone wld even want to try with an h+ person but someone out there is gonna be willin to take tht chance because they love u and cherish u... u jus need to do your best to not let them slip thru your fingers.. take care of yourself and love yourself and tht special someone might jus come struttin by... we all are here to help... keep on a truckin feller... we have your back!!

[elle789]

It's funny that the most sane, normal, happy person can go from "I want to live 500 years" to "Where is that sink hole?"....For a while, I almost romanticized the thought of death because I feel like all the good things were sucked away. You say, "If I had just had the surgery right away I would have avoided meeting the person I got HSV-2 from." This statement alone screams a thousand words. That never ending circle of what-ifs in your mind swimming around all day every day....And I think, "If that bottle of wine I bought for a friends birthday hadn't slipped out of my hand and busted all over the parking lot, I would have never met the guy I got H from." Fate happens everyday. That moment may have changed the course of my life forever. Why do we dwell when absolutely nothing changes besides our sanity? Every thing in life is temporary, even if it doesn't feel that way. I know we got stuck with ONE of the few things that doesn't exactly go away...But with time, feelings change. Perceptions change. And as quickly as your life turned for the worst, it can turn for the better. It may be tomorrow, it may be next year. But there is always a way out- and that way should never be through ending your own life. Your chance of a family is not ruined by a small virus. I guarantee if you look far enough in the future you'll be laying there old and gray, surrounded by people who love you and in that moment you will realize that your life was worth it. All the hardships meant something. By ending it now, think of how badly the people you would leave behind would feel. The circle would continue and they would be saying their "what-ifs". You are no coward. It takes a lot to open up....We are here and we all have had these feelings. You are not alone, not for a minute!

[WCSDancer2010]

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda ... the bain of human existence. We are the only animal that uses that kind of thinking. There are days I wish I was anything but a human because dogs, horses, elephants, etc... they don't ask Why Me? It's not in their thinking. They just accept what life throws at them and get on with it. Just watch Cesar Millan's Dog Whisperer show ... he can turn a Dog's behavior around in minutes much of the time, but the HUMANS hold onto their perceptions and stories for much, much longer. I learn so much about myself watching that show ;)

 

You think you are alone in having your life turned upside down? I'd say that pretty much everyone on here feels or has felt as you do at some time - we have all lost jobs, love, money, houses, friends, health, and so much more. It sucks but when you get through the other side you are far stronger than you could ever have imagined.

 

Since my brother died in 2006 the only thing I could think of was getting married, having kids, and living the way he would have wanted me to. Now that's gone. That can never happen. It was hard enough for me to keep relationships going before this. Now it's impossible. I didn't think it was possible, but I bring even less to a relationship now than I did before.

 

There are 2 things that stick out to me in this message:

 

1) Your brother wouldn't want you to be acting like this. He would likely be kicking your ass and telling you that he would want to see you happy again and that you ARE worthy of love ...

 

and

 

2) You sound like you need MEDICAL help for depression. If you are seriously considering suicide, and given your statements here and privately to me you are a serious risk, you need to check yourself into a hospital RIGHT NOW. Do it for your brother. Take it from someone who did just that because I thought my life was over ... I have 2 beautiful girls and I couldn't bear to have them live with the pain of the legacy of having their mother commit suicide. Best thing I ever did. I knew that my problems were temporary and I managed to get off the drugs within a year, but I really needed them to get me through the shit-storm I was in. And as a Massage Therapist, I avoid drugs as much as possible ... but in this case, I'd say you seriously need them ... even as a temporary step to getting yourself back on your feet. Get to the Dr while you have the insurance and make full use of the time you have to get started on some meds.

 

Do it for your brother .... He's up there wanting you to have a full and wonderful life. Get therapy and get yourself out of bed every morning for him. It's the best legacy you could give to him..

 

(((HUGS)))

 

And I sent this to you privately but it's a great link that I know others will find helpful... please look at it ...