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I am a 24 year old female living in Indianapolis. I found out that I H about ten months ago. At the time I was about a month into a new relationship and we had recently started being intimate. I was on a business retreat when I had my first OB and I panicked because I had no idea what was happening. I left the retreat early and I got the earliest OB/GYN appointment I could get that morning. I had a sinking feeling that I knew it was H before the doctor confirmed it, only because I had been running my symptoms online. And when the doctor took one look at me and told me what it was, I just burst into tears and felt like my life was over.


Later that day I drove to see my boyfriend and I remember feeling sick to my stomach about telling him. We had had all of the appropriate conversations before having sex.... Like how many partners have you had, is it a possibility that you have anything.... Everything had been discussed and he told me everything was good. So I feared he would think I was disgusting or that it would lead to a breakup. I was also worried that maybe I had somehow given it to him. And I have not had many partners, I have never had a one night stand or slept with someone I wasn't in a relationship with and he was only my second serious boyfriend my whole life. I was always very choosey about men because my first boyfriend was emotionally abusive for the 4 years we were together. But I still feared that I had somehow given this to my boyfriend somehow. But when I got there and told him about what the doctor said... I just started to cry. He held me while I cried and he began to cry with me. He looked so shocked but he said he still wanted to be with me. He also said that he didn't think that I had given it to him but that it must have come from him..... But he swore he didn't know anything about it before we started dating... This was the first he had learned of it. He said he felt so terrible and so guilty... That a wonderful person like me never deserved something like this... And it was like that the whole time we were dating.... And we dated for about a year after I was diagnosed.


I went through a terrible bout of depression dealing with having H... Regardless of having my boyfriends support I still let it eat me away inside. I worked at a job where I mostly worked from home and worked alone, so it was very easy to allow the depression to overcome me. I stopped doing my work, I stopped cleaning my apartment or doing laundry, I stayed in bed all day, I never slept, I gave in to an eating disorder... Some days I would eat nothing at all and some days I would eat everything and then purge, I was having night terrors when I would fall asleep... I was having thoughts of suicide and it started to scare me so I finally reached out to my parents and they took me in.... During my first OB it lasted several months... Sex was painful and uncomfortable, I suffered through bacterial infections and yeast infections that just wouldn't go away and I also got a staff infection on my mons pubis... It was so terrible. And the whole time my boyfriend was there... We had a long distance relationship and sometimes he wasn't physically there but he was the person I talked to about everything. He said it was understandable that I was so devastated, that he was there for me, that he cared about me, that he felt so terrible that he was the one who gave this to me.


I just started to feel semi-normal again... I know that my breakdown took a toll on our relationship but like he had said I needed to grieve and it Was understandable... But I got myself back together and the past month I have felt more like myself again.... Then last week I told my boyfriend that I loved him but he didn't say it back... After I said that he began to act distant so I asked him if it was because I said I loved him.... And he just said that it wasn't Just that..... That he had been wanting to end it since I had started having my breakdown months before that.... So I left the relationship there. I broke up with him and walked away.... But unfortunately it didn't end there, though I really wish it had.


The night after we broke up, my ex's best friend called me up.... My best guess is that his guilty conscience was weighing on him. But he told me something that I truly wish I had never found out. I know I deserved to know, but ignorance is bliss. He told me that my ex had told him he had H a long time before he ever met me. That he had found out from his ex girlfriend before me. So he lied to me the whole time we were together, he lied and told me he was good to go when we had sex, he never once tried to shield me from it or give me a choice.... He did this to me on purpose and who knows how many other unsuspecting women. Im not sure why but it was like finding out I had H all over again, but this time 100 times worse. The person that I had trusted betrayed me and lied about it our entire relationship.... It is so heartbreaking to find out there are such cruel people out there doing this to people.


So Im not sure where to go from here. I feel so alone and I feel so ashamed. I know its awful but before I was diagnosed with H I always thought people with diseases like this were dirty. And now that is how I view myself. I wake up every morning and I fell like I can't breath because when I open my eyes the realization that I am living my own worst nightmare hits me. Some days I just cry all day and some days Im so angry that I want to do something violent. I have had strong thoughts of suicide but I can never work up the gumption to ever follow through with it. My eating disorder is back and I just feel like Im trapped in this nightmare with no where to go. I just can't rationalize how my life ended up this way.


All of my friends just think that I am grieving a breakup and just need to move on... So they keep trying to set me up with guys and my guy friends just keep trying to ask me out. But the truth is that I feel like Im ruined. Im no good for anyone else because Im dirty and diseased. Why would anyone ever want me when they could have someone who isn't disgusting? I could never be able to have that conversation with someone I cared about. It would be too shameful and I don't think I could bare to see the disgust on their face that they are sure to express. I also would never want to be responsible for passing this to anyone else. I don't think I could live with myself if I ever gave this to someone I cared about. So I feel like I have lost any potential future I could have had. I always wanted to meet someone, fall in love, get married and have kids. But I have come to the realization that that is apparently a meaningless fantasy.


I know there are sites and stuff for "people like me" and I was on one for a while until I realized that there really aren't as many people out there with H as you would think. There were only 5 gentlemen in Indianapolis on that site.... As if regular dating wasn't difficult enough and now my dating pool is down to people who have the same disease as I do. It's all just so unfair and I just live every day with so much anguish inside me... Envying the normal people.


I don't know where to go from here. I feel lost, alone, betrayed, angry, devastated, and full of self-loathing.... I need help. Im so exhausted from feeling nothing but pain every day. I just want the pain and misery to end.

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First - Welcome and glad you found us.


And I am so sorry that your ex behaved as he did and didn't tell you ... but you have to understand that it's because of the stigma that he didn't disclose ... because of the belief that some have (and that you are buying into) that only "dirty" people get STD's. Honey, you got a LOT of learning to do about STD's - nearly everyone who is at all active sexually (not necessarily with a lot of partners) will get at least one strain of HPV in their lifetime ... 80% of people have HSV1 orally (coldsores ... which can be passed to the genitals with oral sex), and 1 in 5 have HSV2 ... never mind all the other STD's out there.


You (like soooo many people) had this idea that if you were "careful" and only dated "good" people you were safe .... and you believed that just asking about STD status was enough (again, most people go that route). The reality is that all sex comes with risk ... not only for STD's but unwanted pregnancy as well ... it's a message we need to get out to the public because too many people are ignorant of the facts .... and I'm sorry that you were not better informed. However, I believe every life experience is an opportunity (hence the H Opp!) to learn and grow and become a better person. So perhaps lesson 1 for you is that people who get STD's are just every day people like you and me ... that they are NOT dirty and that even the most careful people can get it (we have had more than one virgin on here who got it from Oral sex believing that it was a safer way to be intimate). AND, the first thing you need to do is to let go of your belief that you are now "dirty" ... this is an opportunity for you to practice compassion and the first person you need to be compassionate with is yourself ;)


I suggest that you read as much as you can on here, get to understand what you are dealing with. I promise you you CAN find love, marriage, have babies, and have a great, normal life... take it from a 35 yr veteran who has done all that and has had 2 great relationships post-divorce with H- guys who never got it from me. When you are in a little better place I'll give you a bunch of links of successful disclosures (I think I've collected about 20-30 stories since last November on here) were our members have found love with H- partners ... and given that only a VERY tiny number of our readers (40k+ unique hits/month) actually post on here, I have to think that there are many, MANY more success stories out there :)


Herpes has the possibility of actually making your life BETTER in the long run - I know you will think thats a crazy idea right now but it's true. Get on here, makes some H buddies, and know that it WILL get better with time....


(((HUGS))) ...

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