Ending a friendship when they know "the secret"

[Shannon (SingBlueSilver)]

Wondered how to handle this or just get some support and see who else has had to deal with this. When I first found out, I told several close friends. At the time, I thought my girl friend, let's call her Mary, was a close friend. We had only bonded in the last 9 months but I make friends easily and I trust easily. I went through a breakup and then she did and we both really supported each other. But then I noticed that she fell apart in her breakup and started to become really unstable, using drugs, alcoholic episodes, even a suicide attempt. Looking back, I realized she was always talking about other friends and would very easily turn on you if you made her unhappy in some way. I've started to limit my time with her and I've really distanced myself but some of the things she's done have been really hurtful to me and I want to tell her why I'm backing off. But I can't. I feel like a hostage because she knows my secret. I think she would tell others if I pissed her off. So, I pretend. I pretend to want to be friends. But I really don't. And I realized that the secret even contributed to this. When she starting doing really unhealthy behavior, I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to make her mad at me and tell my secret. It was like the secret was between us now. I made a mistake trusting her and now I'm a hostage to my secret. In some ways I want to let whatever happens, happen and not be a slave to this burden. But then again, does it hurt me just to be polite to her and slowly pull away? Not really. Just pisses me off that this secret is controlling my actions now. Advice?

[Kaande05]

I think it needs to be a priority of accepting yourself fully and not caring what other people think of you having H. I told all my friends about my H and one in particular that I regretted telling. She too was just a backstabbing person who turned out to tell a lot of people about my H. I started getting txts and Facebook messages from people that I hadn't talked to in months, who wanted to know if te rumors were true. And of course told me who told them. But I think it's just a grin and bear it type of scenario. People are going to either accept you for it or not. But the ones who don't are obviously not your true friends anyways. So yea if she does tell, it will be awkward but hey she is doing you a favor in a way.... It will either bring you closer to friends or it will weed them out of your life. We all need to learn to embrace it and use it as an opportunity to squash te stigma and educate people.... And not be so ashamed

[lively]

You could look at it as an opportunity to educate people. If someone calls you, you could say very lightly, "oh you know what? it's the cold sore virus. It's been around forever, 80% of people have it on the lips, the chance of a guy getting it from me are 2% or less as I know how to take care of myself and my lovers. it's no big deal. Interesting what you learn about friends and confidences though". For those who know about it, they'll learn more. For those who don't, you'll educate. For you, your power will grow immensely as you really learn who matters to you, and who you matter to, and discovering that you are in charge of yourself and of the virus. Anyone who disappears on you after that, let go! I'm at the point where I almost want to brag about it, I'm so tired of the ignorance and the reaction to a simple skin condition that has no adverse effects if well managed.

 

I know this may demand a maturity level you're not ready for, it's ok, your call, file it for the future if you like. ....but don't kid yourself, it costs you dearly to let her knowledge control your expression of your truth.

[Shannon (SingBlueSilver)]

Thank you both sooo much! I was heading in this direction as well...I don't want this to control my life and my actions. I want to let people know it's nothing to be ashamed of and hide from everyday. Your advice is exactly how I was feeling and I'm glad you can give me the support and strength to just let this go. I want to be myself without the fear of her telling. I can't even be her real friend even if things changed because the fear of not trusting her and giving her this power over me is not conductive to a real friendship. Thank you both for the support.

[lively]

One other thing I just thought of SBS, is maybe you could find it in your heart to give this girl the benefit of the doubt until she shows you she doesn't deserve it. I get she's done some things that have hurt you, but she may just be ignorant rather than directly malevolent. If you put out that she will tell everybody, you are actually pulling that to happen. You could just try on "maybe she won't" even if you do speak your truth. It's so rare that people have the courage to truly speak from the heart and say, " this behaviour (whatever she did) isn't what friendship is to me, my standards for friendship are different from yours, I felt hurt when you did xx", or however you want to say it, you truly may find she respects you more and may respect your confidence. Maybe not, but worth a try even if just to experiment with a different more generous viewpoint. Generosity can be v powerful.

You're so welcome, we all give and we all accept here.

[Shannon (SingBlueSilver)]

Lively, thanks for that advice too. That's my usual route with most of my life. I generally take issues on myself and rarely stand up for myself. I would rather say, "this hurts me" than, "you hurt me" and I take ownership probably far too often. In fact, I know I do. For once in my life I'm gaining strength and interestingly, the H is helping me to be stronger in so many ways. One way is to say, I deserve more from friends. I've been a people pleaser and giver and though I won't become someone different, I think I can finally start to say, I am worth more now. So this friendship issue is just bringing this into more focus. And the H is bringing this into more focus. It's like I'm really forced to "grow up" or maybe "just grow a pair!" ;-p Strange, huh? The perspective that I'm gaining from this condition is really quite remarkable. Adrial is right...it is quite the opportunity, huh? :-)

[lively]

yes you certainly deserve better; and I do think that when we say "you hurt me" we give people too much power. It's always our choice to feel hurt, ownership gives us power. Then we can make our own choice on whether we allow that person the honor of our company or not. It's such a liberation to grow out of people pleasing and discover who we really are. Pleasing is lovely, as long as we have the clarity to not do it at the expense of selfcare. Most self respecting folk understand that. If not, probably not your people.