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sexless but married

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My wife & I have herpies 1&2, she' had a hysterectomy & lost all interest in sex. We've been married since 1999 & I do love her but have

to masterbate in order to relieve my sex drive. I'm tired of being married to a woman who had no interest in sex what so ever. I am lonely

& no longer feel Im married to a wife. She is merely a roommate. Roommates dont have sex with eachother. I wanna cheat or leave her but with herpies dating is not an obtion. I wish I had a woman who has herpies & wants me sexually with no strings attached. This way I wouldn't have to leave my wife. Our daugther is in prison for murder & this caused child protective services to take away our grandkids.

In NC grandparants have no rights. Since I am only our daughters step dad divorcing my wife means permanently losing my grandkids.

We struggle financially since I'm the only bread winner. We aren't going without but every penny is needed. What should I do? I need advise. I can't leave her because she does nothing except watch sitcom cook & go grocery shopping. She treats me well, takes care of me just fine but refuses to have sex! Please help!

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Wow lonely husband ,


sorry I am not sure what to say , you are in a so bad situation, its a quit heavy post, really heavy . I am really sorry what your daughter did or not did (not sure what happened ) and that you cant see your grandchild's at all :(

I never have been in your situation ,so am really struggling to give you an answer on that.

I cant sort out your family ( prison ) situation , I only can say that you cant go on like that with your wife, its not healthy relationship.

You both have herpes ,so it should make everything easier but it don't look like it do.

Why your wife don't wane have sex. Did you talked with her about it? Is it because you both have herpes or because she get a lot of OB , or is it only because she don't wane have sex.

To give each other person sexual attention is a big part in every relationship, I never have been in really long term relationship( only six month ) so I cant say what happen after 20 years but you need to talk to your wife in a really honest way about it.

Tell her how you feel about your relationship without having sex , I know she care about you but every person need a hug, kisses and yes sex ....every person need that attention of his partner.

Sorry I cant give you any suggestion because I don't have enough information what happened between you both but I think you both need to talk asap....no way around...you don't wane go on like that

I hope you can give us more info ,sorry that I couldn't help ....you are in a really difficult family situation.

I wish you all the best , I hope to hear soon of you


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I'm in Judith's boat here. Never been married and haven't had a relationship that's lasted as long as yours. However, I would strongly recommend marital counseling. You're not the first man to have the concerns and problems you're having. You can get counseling via your church, community groups, or of course, professional marriage counselors.


It sounds like you and your wife have hit the comfort level and you need to reconnect with one another in a romantic way, not just a friendly way. Herpes, no herpes, that's not even a factor. The issue is your relationship, and the only way you fix that is together, not through affairs, masturbation, or simply tolerating one another. I know it sounds cliche, but you need to spark the relationship back to life, and the way you do that is through communication, flirting like you were teenagers, and rediscovering the love together. That said, it's common for women to lose interest in sex post-hysterectomy, and this is something that both of you should discuss with each other and a medical professional/counselor.


The other issues, your daughter, your grandchildren, etc. are secondary to your relationship. Let those issues idle while you focus on your wife and your relationship with your wife.

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Hi lonelyhusband,

So sorry to hear of your situation. After reading your story I can only comment on what I know.


"she had a hysterectomy & lost all interest in sex."


I have never had a hysterectomy but I know that after one occurs it will put women into their menopause stage. When menopause occurs there are 3 key hormones that deplete from a women's body:

Estrogen, Progesterone, & Testosterone.


Signs/symptoms of Estrogen Deficiency in women:

Fatigue, depression, decreased libido, poor memory, hot flashes, muscle joint aching, decreased smooth muscle tone of the pelvic floor and bladder leading to incontinence, frequent bladder infections, vaginal dryness, and pain with intercourse. The skin can appear pale with sagging tone over the whole body. Often the breasts can shrink or become saggy.


Signs/symptoms of Testosterone Deficiency in women:

Depression, lethargy, decreased muscle strength, joint pain, dry skin/ichiness, low libido, dry eyes, pale face, poor concentration/memory, cellulite.


Signs/symptoms of Progesterone Deficiency in women:

Breast tenderness and swelling, fibrocystic breasts, bloating, painful periods, heavy periods, anxiety, nervousness, PMS symptoms, ovarian cysts, uterine fibroids, endometriosis, infertility, insomnia, increased sensitivity to pain, increased abdominal fat, swelling of the feet and ankles.


"she does nothing except watch sitcom cook & go grocery shopping."


My guess is that is all she can do to cope with what is going on within her body.


Balancing these hormones is a very fine line in women. My suggestion is go to the Dr. to get these hormone levels checked then see what the Dr suggests and go from there.


I know that there are foods that contain "Phytoestrogens" which mimic Estrogen.

The easiest is found in Soy Milk, drinking 1-2 cups of soy milk a week. But having an excess will also cause problems. Usually a couple of Soy Lattes a week works.


I will also copy a couple of articles you may find interesting.




Food for thought



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Hello and welcome..


Herry is right - you both need counseling ... on sooo many levels. I'm guessing that she's dealing with depression from both the enforced menopause (as Aimee discussed) and the imprisonment of your daughter and the issues with the grandchildren. That is a lot for a woman to deal with... hormone replacement and antidepressants may help a lot. How was your sex life before all this??


I would sit her down and have a heart to heart with her. But you have to come from a place of allowing her to have her feelings about what is going on for her. Let her know that sex is important to you, and you would like to resume having that with her ... and that you understand that with everything she's lost her drive but that it might be worth going to the Dr to see about some medication that might help ... and then if you can afford it/your insurance covers it, get some counseling (or you may find you can get counseling at your church ... )


Dating/sex is not impossible with Herpes. But in your case, the fact that it makes it perhaps a little more challenging may save your marriage. Cheating and possibly getting caught could end in a really messy situation that would only end badly for you. Having an honest conversation with her ... where you can clear the air, is your best chance of getting what you want.


Good luck. You are not alone in your situation. Sadly, menopause often causes women to lose interest in sex. If your wife is interested in looking into possible medical help, don't expect her to get her drive right back. While the meds are taking effect, take the time to date her and woo her. Give her a reason to WANT to have sex with you. And if/when the time comes, make sure that you take care of HER needs first - she will need to feel that she is cherished ... you will have to get into her head and give her a REASON to want to have sex again. ;)


Keep us posted ....

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  • 1 year later...

I can relate to your post, kinda. I am in the process of ending a marriage from 99. After that amount of time with someone it's easy to get into the roommate mode. And honestly, sometimes the history is what you have to look at. If these problems started between you two because of the menopause and lack of sex, I think you should do as other suggested and talk to her and work on saving what you've invested in.


It might be more than the menopause though. Depression (like mentioned above) would have a big influence on her sex drive as well. I get that you all are having outside stressors (the daughter and grandkid situation) but what do you all do together? What do you talk about? Do you pressure her about sex? Do you still find her sexually attractive and do you let her know this WITHOUT wanting sex afterwards?


Sex after so many years gets old, routine, and falls into the chore category. And if you have other things on your mind (females have a hard time with this) then it's very hard to stop the thoughts from interfering with the mood. Add menopause and I couldn't imagine what she's feeling at the moment (Or not for that matter). I'm going to disagree with the poster above and say masterbate if you have to, but don't cheat. Divorce her if you really feel the need to do that. But if you want to save your marriage, then date her again. Don't dwell on the bad things you all have going on right now, find some good in life again. Talk about that. Rekindle interests together and remind her what sparked her sexual attraction to you to begin with. Whatever you do, let her come to you. Don't pressure her.


That's my advice for what it's worth. Good luck.

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