AHHH!!! So I'm herpes positive ... here it goes ...

[TheFoundOne]

Hey everyone. First of all i'm so thankful to have found this forum. I have been ill for 9 days now with what was thought to be a UTI but my symptoms got worse to the point of me avoiding to go bathroom because A) it stung like HELL and B) it would take forever for me to actually pee. My lymph nodes swelled up and i just felt like trash. Ive had one UTI before at 23 (i'm 29) and i even knew something wasn't right. I went back to my dr and she told me she suspected i had herpes because my urine culture came back clean so it wasn't a UTI. My swollen groin nodes, fatigue, pain on urination, feeling of full bladder then unable to pee and along with malaise she told me i needed a blood test for Herpes type2. As the results would take time i have had nothing to do but drive myself insane with worry, argue with my bf and abuse the google tool bar with searches. Yesterday i started getting severe body aches and chills, my back is still killing me and so is my buttocks. I now have tiny blisters on my butt. That pretty much sealed the deal for me.

 

I called my doctor and she told me to come in tomorrow so she can check it out but told me her suspicions seem to be correct and that in all reality i need to start anti virals which she'll prescribe me tomorrow. I was hoping i wouldn't get any welts or blisters so to see them now.. im just crushed. My blood tests results won't be back for another 6 days but i'll get a diagnoses tomorrow just based on the look of the blisters plus my other illnesses the past 9 days. I JUST FEEL SO ALONE & helpless and SCARED. My bf had oral sex with a girl 2 months before him and i got together and i hadn't slept with anyone for 6 months prior. I was safe with that man but because im OCD and a germaphobe i still did a full STD check and got the all clear. I couldn't have gotten it from anyone else yet my bf insists he was tested BEFORE oral with this girl. I mean this drove me MAD because oral can transmit majority of STD's.

 

My boyfriend and i just got together a month ago so the timeline fits. I'm being serious does he think i'm magically going to be crippled with pain. I shit you not yesterday and today have been HELL. i'm in so much pain. My body is aching and ive had a migraine non stop. If i start anti virals tomorrow will they make these aches and pains go away? I'm able to pee now with no burning but it just seems like it's one thing after another. Are initial outbreaks this bad? ive been sick for 9 days now & i can't imagine dealing with recurrences like this for life? Please anyone let me know and talk to me. I can't talk to anyone about this because i feel i'll be looked as a slut or whore which i'm not.

 

UPDATE: I got the results and i tested positive. My bf's reaction? '' I'M STILL SKEPTICAL" what does he even fucking mean?!! I told him for his own sake to go get tested. I took my first Zovirax Pill (400mg) and i got another 4 to go. 5pills a day for 5 days. I was in hospital last night because i lost the ability to pee totally. Had to insert a catheter in me. WILL THIS ALL GO AWAY? PLEASE ANYONE HELP! Iv'e been crying all day and my best friend has been a help but i don't know what to do now. I don't even want to talk to my boyfriend right now because i'll smother him with a pillow. I feel like a part of me died. Thank you for taking the time to read this xx

[Kaande05]

I'm sorry your boyfriend is being a dick about this whole thing. That definitely makes it harder. My first ob.... It hurt to sit and I did get 3 blisters. Before I knew what was going on my legs really hurt. It was like I had just ran 10 miles and they were sore and achy with any movement. Beyond that my first ob wasn't too bad. It's definitely not what you had discribed. If it does hurt to pee I would suggest dumping water down there while peeing.... I did this after I had my baby boy and it really helped. Ob's are different for everyone and length and severity and quantity also differ. I know I have only had 1 ob a year and that includes my initial ob. And my last one came on because of a med I had to take so who knows it may have been even longer. Just keep your head up. It will get better. It takes time and it's a struggle but it will. Hope I was able to help!

[TheFoundOne]

Hey Kaande , Oh my gosh yes, the aches and pains were horrendous. Exactly what you had described. I felt like i had run a marathon and i couldn't walk 3-4 metres without killer aches and muscular pains. Those have gone now but i'm suffering with lower abdominal pain and urine retention. AHHH guess everyone has different kinds of ob but they ALL suck. I pray that this ob will be the worst one for LIFE since ive read that the first is always the worst and most severe. Guess my body is just super pissed at it lol You're lucky to have had 2 ob and i'll keep my fingers crossed that i'm lucky as you to maybe just get this one and not another ob for a long while. I'll try dumping water whilst peeing maybe it'll encourage the flow. AHH the things i used to take for granted like peeing a river in 10 seconds flat lol now it's a drop in 5 minutes :( Hopefully it'll pass. I will keep my head up and honestly with each msg get i feel more and more positive. Yes, you were a great help and you seriously made me feel better. Lol, as for my bf im meeting him tomorrow for a BIG and serious talk! He's getting tested on saturday NO excuses at all.

[Kaande05]

I guess I didn't clarify... I've had it for 4 years so a total of 4 ob's. But I still really consider myself lucky. I had a baby vaginally and he is healthy and has no problems. And my ex of 3.5 yrs also is h- . Really the stigma of this skin condition is worse then the condition

 

[TheFoundOne]

Have the ob's gotten better over time? Meaning can you even compare them to your initial ob? I'm so glad your baby was born healthy and you didn't have to go through a c-section :) Heard recovery for c-sections is much harder and very painful! Also yes, i have noticed that when people talk about a cold sore no one even think twice or look at them different even though it still is H but when H goes down below it's all of a sudden a dirty,nasty 'only sluts get it' kind of skin condition! I call it ignorance and a lack of education. I just seem to be suffering with a horrendous first ob. I just got back from ER again for ANOTHER catheter :( Dr said once antivirals kick in i should be able to urinate normally again and won't suffer like this with the next ob. Urgh, it's such a horrible experience but i'm trying to stay positive and hoping these meds work ASAP.

[Kaande05]

My ob's after have not been nearly as bad. Maybe one sore that didn't even turn into a blister and was gone within like 2 days. I take 800 mg of acyclovir a day.

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

LostOne... (we need a name change, my love...you are found!)

 

My first outbreak was awful and I felt like I was dying. For reals. And keep in mind that I delivered a 10 lb baby with no epidural, so I'm kind of a badass. ;)

 

It WILL get better. Keep taking your anti-virals and read around this site. Good nutrition, plenty of rest, exercise, etc. will reduce the frequency and severity of your outbreaks. That has been key for me, and I am going through a divorce, so I've got some stress! Just keep in mind, everyone has a different experience with this virus, though there are similarities, and you will learn to read your own body signals and act accordingly over time. Pay attention to how you feel and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

 

I am a firm believer in healing from the inside out as well. For me that means taking the time to notice my internal dialogue, or the words I say to myself, and working on replacing negative, self-defeating thoughts with life-giving ones. When I find myself getting down about the Herp, I take time to recognize what I have been thinking and saying to myself about life in general. Right after I was diagnosed I remember being in the grocery store acting perfectly normal, but inside my head I was saying I have herpes! OMG...I actually have herpes! Who is ever going to want me? How am I ever going to accept this? What the hell has happened to my life?! And I would cry in the car on the way home.

 

I practice yoga, and at the end of class we rest in a pose called savasana, and for weeks I would lay there, fighting back the anxiety, thinking about all Herpes was going to take from me with tears dripping into my ears. I felt so alone. But one day in class something my teacher said made me decide I needed to work at replacing the self-defeating thoughts with something new. I didn't have a lot of confidence I was going to be okay, but that's what I started to tell myself. I have herpes, but I am going to be okay. That's it. Nothing very profound, but I found myself feeling better about things. I started getting educated about Herpes and what others have done to deal with the emotional fallout. A few weeks later I found this site and I have grown in my acceptance. (I was diagnosed December 7th last year) I still have down days and I worry about falling in love with someone who might reject me, but I am working on it. Most all of us are, so you are among friends.

 

In re: to urinary retention... I have not had it with Herpes, but my heart goes out to you there, sweetheart. I had it after I had sinus surgery. I was told it was a reaction to the anesthetic, but I've had other surgery without issues, so who knows. All I know is, I was supposed to be leaving as an outpatient, and four days later I was still there. They were giving me IV fluids and I was dying to go but couldn't. The first time they straight catheterized me. (not fun, but of course you don't care because NOT going hurts too!) They did the straight cath THREE more times before they finally put a real catheter in, and then I had a bladder infection. So sister, I feel your pee-ain! I read your post and thought oh, man...I remember how that feels. I wonder why I didn't end up having it with my first outbreak, but like I said...everyone is different.

 

Anyway, stick around FoundOne. You're gonna be okay. It does get easier.

 

breathe

[lelani]

Breathe's right... Lostone you are found :-)..such a lovely way to say it (and you truly are lovely Breathe :-) )

 

Bladder infections are horrible and I have had my fair share of them over the years... weird thing is I didn't get one with H! Go figure!

 

Things will get better...I never thought they would when I was having constant episodes for months. But like Breathe I work on it...every day and have way more good days than sad...and am doing things I love with people I love and getting rid of all the stuff in my life that doesn't make me happy. That's been my gift from H.

 

It takes time so just nurture yourself and know we are here to send you love and healing. x

[TheFoundOne]

Breathe and Lelani, you guys have NO idea how much your words have helped me. As much as i'm in a confused state of mind i'm so so happy i found this site and even happier that the kindness of strangers extends across oceans and seas. I feel like now i may not 'belong' anymore but honestly after reading your sweet comments i feel like i now have another family. Breathe, i'm one hell of a STRESSER lol i stress over the tiniest things so you can imagine how stressed i was when found out about my H. My whole body went on full alert and i was a walking /talking panic attack. I took 3 valiums that day to just CALM me down. The antivirals are HORRIBLE. I feel so so TIRED but ive read lots online and they say antivirals are rather strong and will cause fatigue. I hear myself saying 'How am I ever going to accept this? What the hell has happened to my life?!' as you had mentioned too. Ive been thinking this over and over but you're right, i need to start HEALING on the inside and change the way i think. I do believe things will get better but im so inpatient i want things to be better right this second. Every night i used to pray that i wake up in perfect health but i guess i fucked up a little and not all prayers are answered. I have to work on getting the self hatred out of me more than anything. I'm so sorry that you're going through a divorce and stressing :( My heart goes out to you, breathe. Lelani, thank you for the love and i'm sending love right back out to you. I guess i have to think of H as a blessing in disguise and as you said keep the people i love around and get rid of things that make me sad. On a positive note i think you guys will be happy to know that i PEED today !! lol, omg i never ever knew how amazing the feeling of a good pee was until today! Hope i never have to deal with urinary retention/infection with another outbreak again. No more catheters for me ! ps- I think i will end up changing my name to 'TheFoundOne' :)

You guys are amazing. Thank you for the love and support. No idea how much i appreciate it. Hugs and kisses xxx

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

Sweetheart, you are more than welcome. You are found and you are LOVED! I hope you do change your name...that would be a great first step in loving yourself...whether you feel it or not.

 

And YAY for peeing!!! OMG I remember how that feels. Bless your heart. ((((FoundOne)))

 

Two things I live by when I am facing hard times...1. Sometimes you have to act 'as if' meaning...intentionally change your behavior...act in new ways and you will eventually find yourself feeling new. I thought this was really silly when someone suggested it to me...it reminded me of what I say to my kids sometimes when I'm taking them to meet someone new...as in Guys, will you try to at least ACT normal!!??....but it totally works!

 

And 2. When you are overwhelmed, you are likely thinking too far ahead. So when I don't know what I'm going to do and I start thinking myself into a black hole, I bring myself back to the present by saying...OK, breathe...be here now. And then I decide what the next right thing is for me to do, and I do that. Sometimes it's taking a nap. Sometimes it's going for a walk or a ride on my bike or a hot bath. Sometimes it's forcing myself just to keep my mind on my work...5 minutes at a time if I have to...whatever it is...if you add up enough if the next right things you will grow stronger.

 

If you knew my whole story, how I grew up and things I've been through, you'd know I'm telling you from a place of knowing. I've been in real pain more than a time or two...from no fault of my own, and from my own foolishness and it hurts just the same. So give up the emotional cutting (I fucked up) and devote the same energy you have spent kicking yourself to loving yourself. Sometimes we have to give ourselves what we need most. You didn't fuck up. You had sex. People do it every day because we are humans who need touch and closeness and connection. And on top of that, it feels damn good. You had sex...that's all. And all that makes you is human. What you do from here? Ahhh...that has the potential to make you extraordinary. And I have a feeling that's just what you are, baby.

 

Xxoo,

Breathe

 

P.S. Leilani IS awesome, isn't she?

 

Another P.S. typing on my phone so forgive me if this is a jumbled mess!! Xo

[mr_hopp]

P.S. I just changed your name to TheFoundOne (formerly TheLostOne). Much more fitting. I like it. :)

[lelani]

Woohoo the joy of a pain free pee!!! So know that feeling lol!

 

You may as well change you name because you are TheFoundOne now for me...you really have come to a community of gorgeous people. Breathe is truly beautiful ( I just love your last message!) and Adrial (well what can i say?!!)...I'm glad I have met them too.

 

I can't say any more than Breathe...H will can help you heal in so many ways :-) x

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

TheFoundOne,

 

Looks like you've been re-named!

 

In many spiritual traditions, a new name is given when someone discovers who they were born to be and consciously changes their life in that direction. This practice is common in Islam, Buddhism and also in Protestant faiths...like in the bible when Saul was on the road of Damascus and became Paul. His new name represented new insight into his own worth and purpose. Sound familiar? This concept is everywhere though more examples are escaping me at the moment, but even a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, right?

 

So, TheFoundOne...you have a new name. New insight into yourself. You are not lost. (though you may feel that way from time to time like we all do) You are important and you were created with a purpose in mind. Herpes doesn't have power over this purpose and herpes cannot name you! How cool is that?

 

I think you've found your herpes opportunity, girlie!

 

Kristin

aka breathe

[lelani]

Yaaaaayyyyyyy! So glad you changed your name - your healing has begun! This alone will start you thinking differently and day by day you can change your world...so day by day be aware of your thoughts and play with changing negative ones for positive ones.

H will probably be one of the best things that has happened to you...it is already making you more concious and that is what we are all here for. It doesn't happen when things are easy...we get pushes to grow and H is just another push to learn and grow :-)

 

Anytime you need a boost just post and I'll be there :-) xx

[Carlos]

hey THEFOUNDONE, congrats on your name change. THELOSTONE is yesterday's news. I just read your initial post and oh my God... i feel your pain; i am so sorry you're going through this nightmare... and I'll hold your boyfriend down while you work on him with that pillow Boardwalk Empire style!

 

(just kidding) My point is, i hear your fear, confusion and rage. and i hope all this physical pain subsides. reading your description, i was at a loss for words. hang in there girl, you can weather this storm. nothing is sent your way that your spirit cannot overcome. i know it feels like shit, and the loneliness stings deep, but you will come out of this stronger, more complete, with a deeper sense of self. I am sending you waves--no--tsunamis of healing energy and though i'm an agnostic asshole, i pray to whatever higher power exists in the heavens to aid you during this ordeal. for now, rest, be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself! and know that I and everyone else here is thinking of you. loneliness is an emotion, emotion is not fact. you are never on your own.

 

big hug and kisses.

burn some white sage around your place!

Carlos

[Swimgirl]

Hey you guys are all so great. I was just diagnosed a month ago and I try the whole postive thing everyday, but some days are just so tough. Think I'm having my second outbreak? Right now my job is really stressful and not too happy a place to be. Just a tough day looking for someone to talk to.

[Erica]

SO glad that I have found this website and so quickly after I was diagnosed. Its been about a week and a half. I went through pretty much everything TheFoundOne went through. Thinking I had a horrible UTI at first then got my results back as negative for a UTI and started getting the sores and swollen gland. Not being able to pee. Went back to the doctor and she said it looked like herpes. She took a culture and got my results back a few days later as positive for HSV. I felt like my whole world crashed. My fiance and I have been together for 6 years and have 2 small children. My fiance has always gotten "cold sores" and its never affected me untill now. My doctor didn't have any answers for why it took that long for me to have an OB. TRYING to keeep my head up. Some days are better than others. This site helps a lot.

[lelani]

Hey Swimgirl and Erica...so glad you found the site as well. There's always tough days but they get less and once your body has gotten on top of it you don't really think about H much until you feel like you need to disclose to someone.

 

I want to give you both huge hugs...I know just how you are feeling. Hang in there as it gets better. Try to minimize stress ( I always remember that its not the circumstances that cause stress but the way you think about them - notice how you think and see if you can reframe your thoughts). The trick to coming out on top is to practice being positive when you are not...its an act of faith and it works! You just have to do it every day and not save it for a rainy day ;-)

 

H has a way of giving us the opportunity to learn to like ourselves more, nurture ourselves more and be honest with ourselves...for now just nurture yourself. Be thankful for the good days and the universe will give you more of them :-) x

 

 

[Swimgirl]

You are so helpful. I will try that. Thank you, I feel like I am constantly thinking about it , well maybe not constantly but I was just diagnosed and I had my first yeast infection at the same time so I'm unsure of which symptoms go with which and instantly think any little itch or tingle is n outbreak but I'm just not sure.

 

I plan to beat this H illness and never have an outbreak again. I take valtrex lysine and a daily vitamin now every day. Thinking about adding in olive leaf , andriographs, and echinacea.

My doc said research shows this high dosage and daily valtrex right away from the start is very good and I may never have an outbreak again. That's the goal at least bc my original was so painful, have hsv 1 and 2. Thanks for the tips, and the hugs!

[lelani]

Yeah you will think about it all the time at the moment...completely normal!... constantly mentally scanning and checking your body for symptoms - my magnifying mirror took a thrashing in the beginning and I turned into a contortionist lol!

 

Yeast infection was my lot too...I think both that and H make you itch!

 

I have been episode free for 7 months now and feel super healthy. Learning to manage

H and keep it sleeping is an ongoing process and it does get easier. x

[Swimgirl]

Okay, thank you for your help. It really helps. I like this community everyone is so helpful and kind. Thank you Lelani!

[TheFoundOne]

Hey Erica and Swimgirl, You're right this community is a God send. It's beautiful that we ALL have one another. Seriously, everyone here helped me up at my lowest point and if i could go to each and everyone of you and hug you i would! *virtual hugs to all* Erica, yes my symptoms were HORRENDOUS and believe it or not i'm still not over it all and it's been almost one month of non stop illness. You aren't alone hun because yes, our symptoms sound almost identical and boy do they suck! I'm on Valtrex now and have 4 more pills more until i'm done. I WILL NEVER forget how horrible it was to not be able to pee. I'm not suffering from severe constipation :( Pee is great but now it's the other end! Dr said it's all from the herpes since it affects nerves. Erica, as hard as it is, and i'll be the first to admit it, you must try to keep your head up. Heaven knows i'm still angry, scared, confused and just FED UP but Lelani and Breathe are right, They're right about positive thinking, changing lifestyle and first and foremost forgivness. It's all shit i swear i know but girls, what can we do? we have to fight H and say '' THIS WILL NOT BE THE END OF ME!'' we have to stay strong and positive as hard as that is. Life WILL get better and i'm really starting to believe that. Sending you all so much love! xxx

[lelani]

Lots of love back FoundOne..I'm having a teeny episode now and you know what - I know the things I need to do and am practicing them..diet, thoughts, rest.... I feel more in control and 'know' it will pass..and really, I have had way worse things in my life happen so I am feeling thankful all I am having is a bit of discomfort and itch and it will pass. It isn't the end of you ;-) x