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So, I was diagnosed two days ago. My mind has been reeling ever since. My bf and I are waiting on his results. He is such a wonderful person. I am 45 and have never met a more caring selfless man. We have known each other as friends for over a year before we became romantically involved 3 months ago.

 

He has been here to wipe my tears and hold me tight and make me feel so loved. I am praying his results are negative, but I know there's a good chance I will lose him if they are. This is why I know for sure that I do love him. I want what's best for him. I so want him to tell me it will be ok and he will stay no matter what, but that is the one thing he is unable to say. I know he will always be there for me as a friend, it will be the loss of what we had until this all happened that is killing me. The intense passion and freedom to do what we want when we want, that will all be gone. And there may just be nothing but a platonic relationship left. I don't think I can handle that. That's how we started off, but seeing him with another woman is something I couldn't bear.

 

I do feel lucky to have had those three months with him though. It has been amazing. I think partly because we knew each other so well from our long friendship. I didn't just hop in to bed with him, but we really got to know and love each other before we had sex.

 

I feel like there is no one like him out there and I really screwed it all up. I am so mad at myself for being so weak with the man who I think gave me H. He was diagnosed and didn't want to go on antivirals or wear condoms. Why did I comply? I thought I loved him. How wrong I was. Now that I see what love really is.

 

The thing is, I know many of you on here say that if someone can't accept you with H than they really don't love you and are showing their true colors. I don't know if I believe that. This stigma is so strong, that I feel it can make really good people run. And my bf won't run, but he may never be intimate with me again. My heart is hurting so bad.

 

 

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Darling... breathe in for a sec..... and out...

this guy sounds likr a caring man. Did he say to you he was going to leave you?

Did he tell you he may not want to be intimate again?

Are you maybe over annalyzing things?. He cares about YOU!!.

If he didnt.. he wouldnt be supporting you thru this time.

i think you need to stand tall, and tell yhis man what u just told us.

"I love you, i care about you immensly, i dont want some silly little skin condition to get in the way of what we have!"..... try that maybe?

*IF you lose him... we will all be here for you!

Talk about the facts of h. Talk to him about transmssion rates.

theres a hand out on this forum you can print off with all this kind of info...

stay strong, i ddont think you need to be as worried as you are, h is just a frustrating thing..

dont let the stigma controll your emotions. I did once. And lets just say if it werent for stumbling across this forrum i wouldjt be here today.

YOU can change it. We all can, one tiny step at a time by not embraciing the stigma.

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I feel like there is no one like him out there and I really screwed it all up. I am so mad at myself for being so weak with the man who I think gave me H. He was diagnosed and didn't want to go on antivirals or wear condoms. Why did I comply? I thought I loved him. How wrong I was. Now that I see what love really is.

 

#1 ... There are TONS of men out there like him ... just read the Success Stories on here.... but just like it may be hard to find a perfect diamond, you have to go through a lot of dirt and rocks to find the man who is ".perfect for you"

 

#2 ... You didn't really screw up any worse than any of us on here.... and many more who are too ashamed to come out of their house, never mind look online. We are all human beings, being human. And with that, comes making a lot of mistakes in our lives ... some of which have bigger consequences than others. What we do with that consequence is what shows the world who WE really are to our core. Are we a survivor? Are we willing to take the lesson and become better and grow from it? Or are we a victim? Do we love ourselves so little that we will let a virus "prove" to us that we are unlovable? I think you are in the former group. You are already learning a lesson from H ... you are learning about Love. And maybe, just maybe, this man was sent to you to teach you that and that may be his one and only part in your life. Whatever happens, he's a gift to you. So let him hold you for now .... and deal with what happens when you get his results back.

 

The thing is, I know many of you on here say that if someone can't accept you with H than they really don't love you and are showing their true colors. I don't know if I believe that. This stigma is so strong, that I feel it can make really good people run. And my bf won't run, but he may never be intimate with me again.

 

Again, I never said that "true colors" would necessarily mean they are "bad". But H gives people the opportunity to be really, truly honest with themselves (and you) about their deal breakers.....AND about how much they really, truly care for you. And there is nothing "wrong" with that. But IMO, if someone runs who has declared that they are "there" for you, well, it feels to me that they are there for you "until" ...

 

The more I experience in life, and here on the boards, the more I realize we are ALL perfectly flawed. We all have *something* that could be seen to make us out to be a lesser person. We all have our deal-breakers....many of which to another are really crazy and inconsequential. I mean, some people won't date anyone with ANY tattoos.... In my world, that's nuts. But I just had a guy get upset because I don't want to date him because he has small children...to him, THAT's nuts. So if your guy walks, well, it shows his "true colors" in that he is not willing to take the risk of getting a nuisance skin condition, that's all. Which means he's not a fit for you ... AND, in the long run, it may be the sign that he would be intolerant or less understanding of other difficulties that could come between you in the future.....(Many of the guys who I've dated who I thought were "perfect" later showed their "true colors" to me once we were friends ... or more to the point, I actually opened my eyes and SAW them...LOL).

 

And think on this. Say he comes back H+. Do you want him to stay with you because now he feels he HAS to? Or because he loves you with OR without H? I think I know what you will say to that.

 

Try to trust that he is in your life now for a reason. And he may or may not stay there once he gets his diagnosis (Positive OR Negative). Be thankful that he opened your eyes to begin to understand what love REALLY is. Accept his support and love as he holds you through your bad days. And know that if he walks, it's because he's giving you the space to open the door for the RIGHT person to come along because you will be in a much better, healthier place to share your love with them.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

 

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You will find that attitude! Its already in u! Just dig a lil deeper...

I wasnt always strong, i still have weak moments

life is an ongoing battle, do you want to lay back behind the troups?

Or fight?.... fight for your right to be happy, fight for love, dont let someyhing like h control yout emotions!

You're still you arent ya? Maybe now tho... a lil stronger than yesteryear..

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