"My herpes giver" vs. "I caught herpes"

[notaquitter]

I caught HSV-2 18 months ago and counting. My herpes-giver didn't inform me, that's how I caught it. Always felt it was my personal responsibility to have caught herpes, although we used protection, but as all of us may know, it barely works. Do you guys think you "caught herpes" or you were "given herpes"? I've read several times how wording makes a difference (attack vs. episode, disease vs. infection or condition, I have herpes vs. sometimes I got herpes episodes, Democrat vs. Republican, lol), and, w/o trying to make this a sexist thread, most of the times women refer to it as "my giver", and men refer to as "when I caught it". Of course this is not a general rule, as the way everyone caught it/was given it varies depending on the situation (rape, cheating, innocent brothel visit, long-lasting betraying marriage, healthy and rich sex life full of partners,....) IMO, once you have it, you caught it. It sounds a lil' bit braver, more accepting, and in line with your own personal decisions. What do you think? I am a man, BTW.

[lelani]

Hi notaquitter....that's an interesting question. I refer to him as my giver...not just giving me H but also that H has given me so much more in terms of my connections with people, changing my thoughts about relationships and understanding myself. It sounds like an illness to me if i refer to it as something I caught and I would rather think healthy thoughts.

 

I don't see it as my personal responsibility that I contracted it even though made a choice about being with someone H+...I see it as something put in my path for personal growth. The things I am learning from having H (I also have HPV which I got from an unfaithful husband) are huge and I see it more that it is my responsibility to learn and grow through dealing with these.

 

We all have different ways of seeing things and I thing questions like this are good to throw out there for us to be aware of our thoughts and their impact on how we deal with things. Thanks for throwing this one out there! :-)

 

 

[lively]

Hello, I'm a woman btw :-). I believe I had the virus for quite a while before I knew + was diagnosed, and I reckon it's more than likely that whoever donated ;-) it to me was in the same boat. I have been meticulous about condoms outside of committed relationships, and have never had an internal episode, so for me condoms did work-- they just don't cover all vulnerable areas.

 

No past sex partner has ever owned up to H with me. I've never resented the guy who gave it to me, whichever one he was, as I took the risk. I've just written in another post, "the guy passed you a virus, your body accepted it" and that's how I see it. Our bodies are v wise, much wiser than we are culturally aware. I believe that everything that happens to us is an opportunity we can use to grow in love or fear. So to me, it's all about "my body accepted it", and I trust my body. Can't say it's always easy or pleasant, but that's what I've found most true to my experience and most consistently the shortest route to empowerment.

 

I never think "I caught it", to me that 's a bit more empowering than "my giver etc" but not as much as "my body accepted it." So we each have our own way of relating to it. For me, "my giver" as an expression keeps us in relationship with someone we may think we don't want to be, and has us be passive......Just my 2c worth, interesting discussion, thanks for starting it.

[Kath_R]

I don't actually know who I got it from or when I got it, so when referring to herpes I usually just say "I have" or "I've been diagnosed with herpes". I sort of like to say "diagnosed" because it makes it more medical and less 'funny'. Herpes jokes piss me off and I prefer to treat it like a virus.

[inspired32]

I am a girl- I do notice I refer to it as "my giver." I think that it is a little of both- given to me and that I caught it. Obviously, as Adrial has brought to my attention, it is not just the person with H's responsibility to disclose, but the other party as well to ask. STDs are things we do not think will happen to US- they are horrible and only happen to "nasty people." However, now that I have it, I obviously do not think that way anymore AT ALL. I do think my giver GAVE it to me because he did not warn me or give me that knowledge. On the other hand, he claims he didn't know and denied he had it- and I know it is very likely he could be an unlucky carrier who has never had symptoms or an outbreak and did not know to even inform me if he wanted to. From that point of view, I do blame myself for that one drunken night because I did not think that my "fun" could lead to a life-changing (in both positive and negative ways) virus. I think it depends on the situation one is in- and also regarding if one has the victim mentality.

[mr_hopp]

I like this conversation since I am a firm believer in the power of words. Words are containers for meaning and feeling. I think this is that it's less about "this word is better than that word" and more about "how do I feel when I say this word vs. that word?" Who knows, when I say "I caught herpes" I may feel better than saying "I was given herpes." For you, it could be just the opposite. Each one of us is completely different in how we see our world, and the words we use help to construct our experience of that world. You can look at this either metaphysically or psychologically; both apply. The more we simply pay attention to how the words we use influence how we feel, the closer we'll be to using the words that are most congruent to who we each are individually and how we authentically feel in the moment.

[lelani]

I love this conversation too...I also think of it that my body accepted it. I was with a man with HSV1 for 28years and never got it...my body was exposed to it daily and never 'accepted' it. I was with my man who had HSV2 for 3 months and I got it...something in my body caused it to 'accept' this virus at this time. Through thinking about the things everyone has written here I realise I can't think of anything else that could have happened to me for me to grow in areas of my life I wanted to...one was to make deeper connections with men as close platonic friends, without sex getting in the way. The price of H has been worth that...I have made the closest and most amazing connections with men since i was diagnosed.

 

Thanks lively! :-) x

[lively]

You're so welcome lelani, I am frequently moved by your posts too x

[notaquitter]

Adrial, 

You've added another layer to the discussion.

Back when the thread started, and while I was typing, I began to evaluate why I needed to label aquiring herpes as "I caught it", and why I felt "my giver" as a feminist position. I finished my post, and kept thinking while reading everyone's comments.

Raised in Catholic Church, sin and guilt have been present in my life, understanding guilt as the feeling triggered by the unexpected, usually bad consequences of your personal decisions. Under this concept, there were not room for chance, destiny, or fate. 

While in therapy, my psychologist, about to start yelling at me, affirmed that I had done everything by the book, and tho unexpectedly contracting it, I could have done nothing differently better to have prevented it. It was still hard for me to accept my "failure", failure to have known better, have read more about std's, failure to have inspected her parts with magnifier glass, have asked for blood tests and sexual partners list up to date, or failure to have wrapped my whole body with bubble wrap. And seriously, had I done that, and exited "clean" from the scene, it's hard not to say that in my way back home, while driving sober and my seatbelt fastened, a drunken driver would not had crushed my car, breaking my back...sometimes things just happen, and we cannot control everything...

In addition, I believe that my opinion about "my giver" is equally influenced by my experience and my culture, as "I caught it" was by religion. 

In latino culture, at least in my segment, women are raised with the princess treatment, and their complaints are always heard. Men need to give women their place, as they are "weaker", they are beautiful, and they are to be heard. 

On the opposite side, men are supposed to be rough, brave, and not cry or complaint. In that line, a woman is allowed to protest, point finger, or deposit her responsibility before his father or the man around (being the father/man any figure you want to plug: the father, the friends, an internet forum, a human resources office, the judge raised desk, the radio mic, etc) that she "was given", while the man needs to keep to himself the responsibility of his acts, or to "have caught". 

 

[I hate]

I got it from a man I've been having sex with for 2 years I'm still so mad if it's any possible way i could have caused it I wouldn't be so mad but now I can't do anything about it. I still love him tho and I don't know what to do 

[organicmama]

On 10/27/2012 at 3:24 AM, notaquitter said:

I caught HSV-2 18 months ago and counting. My herpes-giver didn't inform me, that's how I caught it. Always felt it was my personal responsibility to have caught herpes, although we used protection, but as all of us may know, it barely works. Do you guys think you "caught herpes" or you were "given herpes"? I've read several times how wording makes a difference (attack vs. episode, disease vs. infection or condition, I have herpes vs. sometimes I got herpes episodes, Democrat vs. Republican, lol), and, w/o trying to make this a sexist thread, most of the times women refer to it as "my giver", and men refer to as "when I caught it". Of course this is not a general rule, as the way everyone caught it/was given it varies depending on the situation (rape, cheating, innocent brothel visit, long-lasting betraying marriage, healthy and rich sex life full of partners,....) IMO, once you have it, you caught it. It sounds a lil' bit braver, more accepting, and in line with your own personal decisions. What do you think? I am a man, BTW.

This is a really interesting question. I do think saying you caught it sounds braver. Yes. However, I definitely think it depends on your personal situation and how you feel about how you caught it. I have been with one man (the father of my child) in the past four years. He cheated on me, I asked him to get tested, he told me he did and did not have anything. The truth is - he did get tested but he tested positive for HSV2 and knowingly passed it to me then tried to use the virus as blackmail so I would let him have shared custody of our child - who I have been solely responsible for since the day he was born. My son's father is also a recovering addict. So there are a lot of chapters to that book. I feel as though I was given herpes. I am someone who is extremely type A, anxiety ridden, etc. he knew giving this to me would crush my world. I am also an extremist about my health. As soon as I found out I had it I went and got 31 rounds of ozone therapy done, ultraviolet blood irradiation, I take tons of immune boosting supplements everyday, I stay VERY clean, wash everything constantly, etc. I would probably feel differently about what happened to me if it were from being risky or if my partner was unaware.