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mariii

Anyone else not disclose herpes yet? Feeling guilty.

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I'm feeling a bit lost today. Is there anyone else who has dated someone for longer than six months and have yet to disclose herpes status? (We haven't had sex, but subtle hints of reaaaalllly wanting to have been dropped). I sort of just feel childish at this point of not having the balls to do it already...oh. and guilty. help?

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Sometimes we just have to take responsibility and own up that we should have done this sooner. It doesn't have to be a drama, but you do need to own up now. The only thing that honors you and your partner is to tell the truth....you didn't share this sooner because.....why? it didn't feel sexual to you before? you were afraid of rejection? you were ashamed? Tell yourself the truth about this first.

 

Then:

What do YOU want? do you want a sexual relationship with this person? If he does (assuming it's a he) and you don't, that's what you need to clarify; if you really don't, it changes the relationship of course. If you both do, then be honest. Read the ebook again, several times if you need; accept that you cannot control the other's response, remember you will be okay and are lovable worthy and human no matter what, and let yourself be okay no matter what.

Think about if it happened in reverse: would you be angry or upset? could you accept that someone would date you for 6 months or longer and not tell you? Then whatever response you have, include that in the conversation..."well x, I realise that perhaps I should have told you about this sooner, so I can appreciate you may feel .......(whatever you feel about it in reverse). And now as we are getting closer, we need to talk over our sexual histories; I care about you, and so I want you to know I have one of the very common skin conditions that can be transmitted sexually. In fact 80% of people have this in the oral version. It's an inconvenience occasionally, I can take meds to minimize the risk of you getting it. Research shows that if I take meds, and we avoid sexual contact if I have an episode, you would have a 2% chance per year of getting it; less if we use condoms. So it's a very manageable situation. What do you know about this condition already?"

 

Then let him tell you. As you are nervous, you may want to write your speech, learn it and rehearse it; that will make you much less likely to be hijacked by your feelings at the time.

 

And you know what? I put in "perhaps" there because he may not think you should have disclosed sooner. I dated a guy a while ago for months without disclosing because I wasn't sure we were attracted enough; I liked him, we dated intermittently, and right after our first big kissing session, when I was thinking, "time to disclose next time I see him," he disappeared for 2 months. When I did disclose, he did not accept it, but I think that would have happened anyway. He was compassionate and respectful about it. Recently I disclosed to my next love interest and he was fine. In between there was a lot of emotional healing and learning to be done. So accept that what comes from this is whatever comes, + if this guy doesn't accept it, the next one may. I don't think it's anyone's business until you know you are going to get sexual. So if it hasn't been obvious until now, don't feel bad; but for your own peace of mind, you may want to disclose sooner next time. You may have avoided it because you thought the guy would leave you--well, he may but it's time to find out. Have a backup plan, something nice to do for yourself afterwards regardless of the outcome. Whatever happens, you will either be happy that he is ok with it, or you will know what you need to heal in yourself next, so it's an important step forward either way. Imagine complete success in how you disclosed, that you are proud of yourself for how you dealt with your feelings and his in advance, then stand tall and speak your truth. You will be ok, your courage and strength will take you through this. Let us know how you go. Sending you love and big sister hugs x

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Oh thanks breathe, I appreciate your kindness. My disclosure to the guy who didn't accept H was a total dog's dinner! I definitely communicated shame, and was not really present; I was so sure he was going to leave and of course he did.....but my learning + healing since then has been immense, and even though I liked respected and admired him, my new love is a better match. I was prepared for him to walk away too, but so glad he didn't, that story is in The Talk section. It's all the journey we are on. So my confidence + grace were hard won, but so worth winning. You will win yours too x

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Hey mariii ... I understand the guilt in that (but you don't have to feel guilty; what is feeling guilty doing for you?). And I understand you waiting. Whether it's because of fear of rejection or that this guy doesn't feel quite right for you (yet or ever). And lively is right: The sooner the better if you feel like you can trust him with your vulnerability. It's a two-way street here. You don't HAVE to disclose to someone if you're not ready to and you're not having sex with them yet or exposing them to the risk of getting herpes. Practice talking about herpes more in general. Normalize it for yourself. Love yourself. Accept yourself. It's a beautiful process of healing and self-acceptance first, then to be able to share vulnerably with someone else you're interested in can be a beautiful opportunity for deeper intimacy instead of shame. It's never too late to disclose, just like it's never too late to love. And love goes both ways. To yourself first, then to him. Good luck, mariii! Keep us updated on what you end up doing and how it goes!


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Oh Mariii...I know you really want to tell him, believe me the not telling him will be making you feel worse with guilt than if you come right out and say it. It's actually the perfect time...if you haven't had sex and you are getting hints that make you feel like you want to act on then you do need to say something. Adrial's right, if you don't want to have sex then you don't have to say a thing! But it is good practice...any opportunity that comes along that pushes you to be brave and accepting of yourself is worth acting on. And it's an opportunity for who you share it with to be the same.

 

Have you read the e book on here and other posts about disclosing? There are some wonderful examples of how to talk about it. You haven't got anything to loose, in telling him you are giving him the opportunity to make a deeper connection with you. Lively is right too...grace and confidence only come from doing it and learning the lesson that goes with each disclosure. Yes let us know how you get on :-)

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lively, adrial and lelani...I appreciate all of the support and words of encouragement, sincerely. I have really strong feelings for this one, and it will be my first disclosure with a partner. we work with each other, and have been dating exclusively since the end of march. I've read the ebook I feel like a million times, and I've done a years worth of browsing the internet on educating myself on hsv since being diagnosed. so why can't I find the words? I've run so many scenarios in my mind as to how to present myself, and how I'd begin the discussion...and then when the perfect moment presents itself I freeze. I've always been horrible at communicating my feelings, with or without a skin condition. isn't trusting someone always a 50/50, you jump I jump type deal? I trust him, but I'll never know how he'll react till I tell him, right? so whether or not I'm "ready" (I mean physically yes. we're both most likely implode any day now) I feel like I have to push myself to be so. another thing a close friend had said to me was "it's been since the end of march, so he's most likely run every scenario through his mind as to why you haven't had sex yet...and is still by your side. that's a good start". so I'll say it now. I'd like to disclose by this thursday. if any of you have personal tips, send a message my way. you're all the best.

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Yep your friend is right...he will be wondering. And what a good way to start the conversation...."I know you will have been wondering why we haven't had sex yet...I love what we have and now feel like I can trust you enough to talk to you about something important about me ...(you fill in the rest :-) )

 

Trust isn't a 50/50 deal. It's not about expecting the other person to react how you want because you have trusted...its about trusting yourself be authentic and letting go of the outcome, knowing whatever it is will be right for you. Sometimes the outcome is exactly what you want, sometimes it isn't. It's harder when you have strong feelings because emotionally there is more at stake and we are afraid of our painful emotions if it doesn't work out how we want.

 

You are at a crossroads with your own fear right now and I think its awesome you have set a time frame - stick with it! Sometimes we have to push ourselves to overcome fear..and if the alternative for both of you is that you will implode...you have nothing to loose! You are giving the gift of honesty and trust and an even deeper connection in telling him. I accepted an H+ man and despite not being with him now and I don't regret it. Good luck and let me know how you get on. Sending you tons of courage and love :-) x

 

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Mariii honey, you just have to let go of trying to control the outcome. You will be okay no matter what happens, truly you will. Hold your head high, and tell the truth. Practice first from the ways you've read or made up yourself that feel best ; imagine what a relief you'll feel when you have done it. Your friend has made a good point, be encouraged. And all there is in the end is, just do it. Trust life, trust yourself, trust him. You WILL be ok, you are a beautiful child of life, and so is he, no matter how it goes. Trust.

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you both have filled me with hope, and having to come to terms that I can't control an outcome of how another will react, so thank you. I will keep you all updated..

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Marii,

 

I feel really good about this for you...either way it goes, I think you are going to be stronger and love yourself no matter what. I really do!

 

I am sitting here right now imagining you sharing your heart with him and all the while, you're surrounded by light and love.

 

We'll be here.

Kristin

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