Herpes rejection: It's not personal

[WhoopsiDaysi]

So, met a great guy. We connected on every level - intellectually, values, humor, spirituality, views on life. Talked for hours, when we were together - magic. So, after a week and things are moving along very well, it's that time - The Talk. Had the talk, it seemed to go well however, today is radio silence. Ahhhhh, the virus wins again. Now, I know intellectually it's not personal. It's the virus that is being rejected, not me. However, it feels so personal right now. Ugh. I know in a day or two I will lick my wounds, put on a brave face and move on. Nothing else to do really. Maybe there are lessons in this. Maybe I could have handled it differently, maybe I need to handle it differently next time, maybe he's busy, maybe the Mayans are right and the world ends next month. Dunno. Anyway, it's not personal.......but it is because herpes and I are a package deal. And yes, it has definitely made me a better person, allowed me to meet amazing people, allowed me to grow. But wow, it's not an easy gig, not gonna lie.

[lelani]

The biggest hug for you WD...no it isn't easy and yes we lick our wounds and move on but that time between cannot be escaped. Maybe he is thinking...I know I needed to think about it when I was told, only I already had an STD too so the thinking was pretty short! It could be any number of reasons...he may not know how to move forward with this and is needing time to work it out. So many maybe's in that time between aye?

 

If he doesn't want to move forward with you I hope does he makes contact, because whatever the outcome I think we all deserve closure. And if he doesn't, he has done you a favour because it will show how he deals with things and doing a runner isn't a mature or caring way to do it, and not the stuff of a supportive and loving relationship. Unless you howled like a banshee and freaked out while telling him (which I'm pretty sure you didn't :-) ) I don't think it has anything to do with the way you handled it.

 

I love your posts and you are a gorgeous, intelligent and caring woman...don't think of it as the virus winning because you will have won either way this turns out, you just have to get to the point where you know it again. In the meantime I am sending you good thoughts and tons of hugs! x

 

 

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

WD-

 

You are so brave. If he doesn't come back, he is a fool, but you and I both know how this whole thing has changed us...still it smarts. I wish I could make you a cup of tea and eat some chocolate with you until the ouch passes. You are so special...

 

Go read my big long self-indulgent reply to Krisanova and see how far ahead of me you are in even putting yourself out there. I am a big chicken.

 

And don't second guess yourself. Limit your Monday morning QB analysis to a 15-20 minute journaling session and then breathe and let go.

 

To quote one of my favorite movies (The Help) and offer you a mantra for the next day or two...

 

You is strong....you is kind...you is important.

 

Much love,

Kristin

[lelani]

I want to have a cup of tea and chocolate with both of you beautiful women!! xx

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Thanks so much ladies. And yes, I am sure he is processing. He ended up sending a one liner saying he was off with his buddy, 5 bottles of wine later. At least he made contact. Man, those insecurities love to start screaming in my ear so fast. I don't know how this will all work out. I know it's a lot to process and I get that. I just need to breathe, take a step back and know I handled myself the best way I could, I was honest and transparent and the rest is up to him. If he is a smart man, he will see what he has. If not, well, then there's nothing I can do ... except hope he now compares every woman he meets to me! LOL

 

I love that quote from The Help. The quote has run through my head so many times and, coincidentally, last night.

 

Thanks again for your love and support breathe and lelani. Can I take a raincheque on the tea and chocolate? That sounds like fun! :)

 

Brenda xoxo

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

Anytime, Brenda.

 

Stay with yourself and stay brave. You are such role model to me. I would come for tea and chocolate anytime you asked.

 

Love,

Kristin

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Well, if you're ever in Canada! :) Or maybe at the next Herpes Opportunity event.

 

Hugs to you for all your support and kindness. :) xo

[pcvkak]

Hi WD,

 

I actually heard "It's not personal, it's biological" a few times last week... Not fun. Though I think the guy is being a little illogical because while he doesn't want to take that maybe 1% chance, you know he isn't going to be screening future girls that want to go down on him for oral herpes, which is apparently more contagious than gshv1.

 

Anyway, you... if it works out, congrats! And if not, congrats for accomplishing the Talk! And guess what? You will soon remember all the indications of why the guy wasn't really all that great that having a crush makes you ignore :)

[lively]

Oh WD you are so brave girl, it's ok to have some insecurity show its face, we are human too. Making the disclosure is the measure of your courage integrity and humanity. What happens after that is out of our hands. Don't know what will happen with this one of course, but you know we keep growing and healing and expanding our courage every day staying connected with each other. So even if he's off and away, there are others who won't be. Earlier this year I met the first man I thought I could really go deep with that I had in years......and he kindly but firmly said no thanks. Eight months later, here I am with a new man who said, I'm sure to have been exposed to it, probably a carrier. NO issue. We just keep healing bit by bit, and each time not only do we grow by having the Talk, we attract healthier possibility people to us. If not this one, he's not right for you. You're right, you and H are indeed a package deal. It's SO not an issue when it's not an issue, it's hard to believe it's the same virus that upsets us so much. So be gentle with yourself, know that you are in a process, and there really IS light at the end of the tunnel. xx

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Thanks pcvkak and lively. I ended up emailing him to see where he was at. I said I didn't want to assume anything but thought maybe he was either processing or had a change of heart. I sent him my blog and said that I had given him a lot to think about and that I had really enjoyed our time together but if he had decided to move on, well then I wished him all the best. He did write back:

 

Brenda,

Yes, I am processing info, yes I am stigmatized given my ex-wifes family history, and yes I will probably walk away. Missed chatting with you yesterday and truth be told I miss everything about you already. You are the best match, on several levels, for me, that I have encountered on this video dating thing. There is an ache, which started last night, because it all felt so right and now I know I can't do this. Read your blog and I had started researching herpes even after I left you the other night. Wish you all the best, enjoyed our time together.

 

Andy,

At least now I know. But you know what, I learned from that experience and I am now more encouraged to get out there and to be honest and straightforward about this. The right person will be able to see that I am so much more than a walking virus. I am a loving, intelligent, dynamic woman with so much to offer the right person. The right person will come along. I just have to work my way through the wrong ones and I am one more closer to the right one! :)

[lively]

Good for you girl. I love in your reply how you say your stuff about who you are and your process without in any way making himn wrong. He was a good guy too, he explained fully what was going on, and how valuable you were to him even though he felt he couldn't go there. So you are well on your way to the right guy for you, and next time it will be so much easier to disclose. Just surviving one rejection like this gives you so much more confidence next time....you know you can get through rejection so it just doesn't loom as large....and in the space that gives the other, there's so much more room to be who they are. I'm proud for you that you have come so far. Celebrate yourself Brenda, you are indeed a loving intelligent dynamic woman. Courageous too.

[irishdog]

WD:

I feel for you. I was lucky. I went on 4 great dates each lasting over 6 hours and I knew had to disclose soon for fear of getting to close and getting hurt worse. It was a process of getting to know the person and digging a little. She had told me on the 3rd date she wasn't afraid of sickness but of someone hurting her. I knew it was maybe a 50/50 shot at that point. I was going to disclose on the 4th date but I wasn't sure and the time wasn't right ( we went to a arts fair with a lot of people around and then came to my house and my son was home). This last date we went to church and then went hiking where we alone. Everything turned out great. I think a lot of it has to do with timing and

and getting to know how a person feels about different things. The more you explore about the person the better and sometimes that takes time. We have to be a little more selective then most people but look at the amount of everyday relationships that go by the way side. I know you have that thing hanging over your head and keep thinking when when and you want to get it out there. When you get that feel about that person and then you can make that choice. Never stop trying, enjoy dating and know that you are an honest beautiful person that is loved.

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Okay...update. He wrote me an email yesterday and explained how conflicted he was - afraid of getting the virus but missing being with me and all we were together. We are getting together to talk tonight. Who knows what will happen. I have tried to be as transparent as possible, tried to explain the risks as I understood them (4% without condoms, 2% with, 1% with Valtrex) and that I have had it for 9 years and to my knowledge never passed it along. I made my ex get tested and after 5 years together it came back negative. I told him he needed to decide for himself whether the risk was worth it or he could move on to door number 2 and date someone else, but to remember that I was honest and straighforward with him. I have had every STD test known to man done twice and I am managing my herpes. The next person he meets may not be so honest or even know. At the end of the day, he has to be comfortable with it and I can't force him to do anything he isn't comfortable with but sex is such a small part of what we have. Any suggestions for the chat? I am not used to this. Usually I disclose and they run off like their hair is on fire, never to be seen or heard from again.

[mr_hopp]

I'm happy for you, WD. Nice work! And those %s you listed are right on. My only suggestion for discussing this with him is to be as balanced as possible (realistic yet not paranoid). Yes, you're so right that you knowing your status and knowing your body might actually keep him safer from getting an STD from any other person out there who is ignorant about their status (which 80% of people are). Sounds like you already are balanced about all this. Some people tend to focus on the possibility of rejection instead of knowing that it's a preference that he is going to make for himself after you giving him all the facts about it without the stigma and shame. I've been reading your perspective on all this, WD, and it sounds so healthy and self-accepting. That's all you can hope for is to love yourself and leave it up to him to make his own decision about what he's willing to risk in relationship. (By the way, have you considered what are you risking in relationship with him? The beginning of any relationship involves each partner taking a risk on getting both awesomeness and not-so-awesomeness.)

[pcvkak]

best of luck WD! he obviously likes you a lot, you heartbreaker you. and watch out for yourself as Adrial suggests- sometimes we get a little blinded by the excitement of having a crush and I am also starting to think that there is something to the idea that we want what we can't have, whether its good for us or not- so take care of yourself!

[lelani]

Hey lovely...not much else you could have done. I think it sounds like you were pretty balanced about it...it's how I have disclosed too. It's this part we are anxious about: will they or won't they?

 

Having been the one to have taken the risk, I chose all of him and knew that he chose all of me...yeah the 'awesomeness and not-so-awesomeness' ;-).

 

When relationships are new, we don't see the challenging parts of a person...telling about herpes brings those parts to the front, and how they deal with it is a good indication of how they might deal with other 'heavy' stuff. Just observe and take it slow. I fell for a guy who I disclosed to who actually had herpes, too, and thought we were perfect. It wasn't until later patterns showed up and I realised weren't healthy for a long term relationship - too late, i was emotionally hooked and it was tough ending it.

 

Hope it goes well :-) x

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Thanks so much Adrial, pc and lelani. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. On/off/on. And yes, you are right - I need to take a good look at him and his "awesomeness" factor. I have sort of taken a step back and will let him come to me. I am not playing this on/off game. I get that it's not an easy thing to deal with but, in my mind anyway, at some point you're either in or you're out. And if he's not able to do that with this situation, we are going to have issues down the road. Who knows. I tend to pull back when I feel like I am going to get hurt but maybe that is just the part of me who is allowing me to take some time to really examine "what is" instead of "what I have projected". And really, why should he have to "accept" me. Yeah, I have herpes but I am a pretty awesome person as well. Perfect? Oh heck no! I can be insecure and impulsive and have moments of insanity. But that is balanced by the fact that I am a caring, loving and intelligent woman. We all come with baggage. The herpes just seems to take center stage at first. I am not going to spend my life apologizing or feeling less than for having herpes because it has made me the partner I am today. The right one will see that. And if he is the right one, well, at some point soon he'll get some perspective on this whole thing. One comment I did make to him is that living with herpes is no big deal. It's a minor annoyance like the flu. What is hard is dealing with people about it. But you know the really ironic thing about this is that I am more comfortable with it and am also looking forward to having to have the Talk again. LOL (Remind me of this when I am freaking out next time!) Hey, I had to have the talk with my optometrist. Geeze Louise. I went for an eye exam and he asked if I was on any meds and I said yes, Valtrex. Then he started asking what kind - coldsores, etc. SOOOO.... now he knows! Apparently the herpes virus can affect vision. There's a conversation I never expected to have but I survived!! :)

[pcvkak]

Oh my gosh, I am going through the same stuff! I love it! I am looking forward to your new developments, so keep me updated! :)

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Hey pcvkak. Well, haven't heard a word from Andy. No biggie though. I know we came together for a reason. I definitely pushed his comfort zones. :) He'll never be the same after meeting me! LOL

 

There has been a new development in my life. An old flame - complicated situation to put it mildly, is back in my life.....he is my "soul mate" but we have had this soap opera relationship. I feel like our lives are like the Truman Show and I keep looking for the hidden cameras. We are on, we are off, we are on, we are off. Well, we are "on" again and this time I *hope* is the charm. We have committed to moving forward. He has committed to making the changes in his life he needs to make to move forward and I have committed to being patient and waiting and supporting him while he does what he needs to do. So........we'll see. He knows I have herpes. He was another one who had a really bad experience with herpes. His dad slept around a lot and cheated on his mom constantly (with her own mother even, two weeks after their wedding!!!) and he ended up with herpes, so to Cain, my friend, herpes is this dirty awful thing promiscuous people. Eventually, he came around and realized that his issues with herpes were his issues and that what we have is far more important than any virus. Anyway, only time will tell what will happen between us. I have my fingers crossed that it will all work out. If not, well, at least I know I opened my heart up enough to try.

 

Stay tuned folks to "This is My Life". :) LOL

[Carlos]

Dear WD. I have read this entire thread--including our friends' responses--and I'm in awe of you, of your strength, determination, and ability to communicate.

 

I see myself in you in many respects: the way you see HSV as a part of you is how I see it. We and this virus are a package deal. And yes, disclosing is tricky: I'm the type that discloses and then runs for the hills--before they get a chance to run! HaHa...

 

Reading your posts, I saw something interesting--something I often do--and that is how when I am at my most vulnerable, working through rejection, I internalize it so much that I unconsciously seek a rebound--in my case, another man that will distract me from the painful, unwanted emotions that have risen due to being rejected... I do that all the time, and I'm sure we all do, because in the company of someone else--anyone else, even if it's someone we know in our hearts isn't right for us--we take it, we seek it... because it fills the hours we would otherwise spend over-thinking, over-analyzing, over-crying, over-blaming, over-smoking and over-drinking.

 

My greatest, toughest challenge is being with myself--alone with my pain, my unwanted emotions--and reject the distractions: the bars, the past boy-friends, the blame game.

 

I walk to the gym everyday--I'm currently in northern NJ--so the walk is 20+ minutes of silence. Can you believe that I can't stand 20 minutes of nothingness?? So I put away my iPod and make myself walk, simply observing my mind, and in it, there is a Carlos going nuts!! HaHa... I laugh, because I'm older now (soon to be 41) and I've learned that the noise in my mind has no power over me, unless I give it power. If I listen to all that noise and buy it as The Truth, I will grow so overwhelmed that seeking distractions would be the remedy.

 

Your post about that old flame who emerged precisely right now when you're healing from the sting of rejection jumped at me... my immediate thought was: I've been there! I've seen that movie before! and all I can say--for both our benefit--is... don't abandon yourself. The beauty of an HSV diagnosis is that it forces us to reflect, to respect our bodies more, to become a bit more spiritual, to grow through extraordinary self-awareness. These qualities--regretfully--cannot be given to us by another human being.

 

I speak to my nutty self as I write this.

I send you much love and wish you the best, WD!

Carlos

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Carlos, Thank you so much for your lovely reply. You are such a kindred spirit and a beautiful soul and oh my God, you so get me! And yes, you pegged it - rebound. Actually Andy was "Rebound Guy". Cain, the man who is "back" is someone I absolutely adore, and honestly, I can't see living without. The thought of him not being in my life has had me sobbing so many times. I was frustrated because I wanted him so bad but we had a discussion and we are so much alike, god, so I was pushing him away because I didn't want to get hurt by wanting him so much and so he didn't ask me to wait because he was getting himself sorted out so we can be together. It really is a romantic tragedy and comedy, all at once. I told him I didn't want to put my life on hold and he said I didn't have to instead of asking me to wait, which is why he came over in the first place.....it sounds really really crazy and maybe it is, but he is honestly the man I want to spend forever with. He will make me insane, he will piss me off and he will also adore me and make me feel like I am the most perfect woman in the world. He is my best friend, my confidante and the one person in this world who I can be myself with. My crazy insecure self, my happy joyful self, my inspired self....all of me. He is the first person I think to call whenever something happens in my life, even if we aren't together.

 

I totally get what you say about the silence. I have a constant chatter in my head. I can be completely alone and yet the voices in my head sound like a city full of people. It never stops and I do the same as you - plug in to numb out. But I do also try to just force myself, like you, to walk in silence. I have tried to meditate, sit with a quiet mind and it's like trying to baptize cats. It's impossible. The monkey mind is chattering constantly. It's like Rainman in my head. "Have to be quiet. Definitely have to be quiet. Damn, I am thinking about not thinking. Okay.....silence the mind. This is really hard. Okay, focus on the breath...am I doing that right? Oh damn I'm thinking again..." And on it goes.

 

I am so grateful that I have people like you to relate to here and for your support, understanding and friendship. Relationships are crazy enough but then throw in something like herpes and it's like putting a loud speaker on every insecurity, every anxiety.

 

What I am learning though is to not self-abandon as much as I used to, to try to stay present and authentic and to allow myself to be honest and vulnerable. I am so quick to put myself out there, and then, like you RUN!!!!! before they can reject me. I don't even give them a chance to think about it. I just bolt or I give them an excuse to bolt. Pretty much write the speech for them. All they have to do is hit "send". :) I don't want to do that anymore. This year has been a year of reflection. Finding out I had herpes right after my ex left really gave me the space to take time I have never taken before and really examined my beliefs, what I thought I deserved, why I was reacting the way I was, etc. I am still, however, as you can see, a "work in progress". Rome wasn't built in a day. :)

 

Thanks again Carlos for your insights and for showing me parts of myself. You are Amazing. :)

 

Lots of love,

 

Brenda

[GreenEyes727]

Hi Brenda,

 

My name is Brenda too! I hope everything works out with Cain. I am envious of the position you are in right now. It sounds like life is falling into place beautifully.

 

Keep us posted on your relationship.

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Hi Brenda! :) Nice to meet you.

 

The Cain situation is never dull. Just when we think things are falling into place, the Universe loves to throw in a wrench or ten. It never ends, but I do adore him. Now his ex wife just called him to say she has stomach and ovarian cancer and needs to go for some operations and biopsies so she needs him home to look after their 7 years old son. Honestly, if we ever end up together, it will be a miracle of epic proportions. LOL This is how our relationship goes. One step forward, two steps backwards. Right now I am just going to relax and just see where things go. We are best friends, so at least we have a fabulous friendship and who knows what the future holds. Right now he'll need a friend more than anything and I am in no hurry. I have a great gig on my own and I am looking forward to a fantastic 2013. :) Starting with the H Opportunity Seminar!

[lively]

Oh WD I'm so with you. While I'm not sure that my new guy is "the One" (I actually beleive there are many who could be), he's my best match on many levels so far in my life, not without challenge of course. Go Whoopsi!

[JC81]

HUGS!