This is my story...

[LiveNLearn]

I am a woman who recently contracted hsv2 from my new husband. I'm not sure I would call it love at first sight, but we are two people absolutely destined to be together. We both come from very difficult pasts, with a long history of let-downs, abuse, manipulation, etc. We found a common ground in our past struggles, and a potential for real love in our future with one another.

 

We did not sleep with one another until June of 2012, intentionally. It was important to both of us that we share a friendship with one another first. I had just had my annual exam in March which included STD testing. I have a great doc who has always included hsv in my blood screenings. Up to this point, I knew I had hsv1 in my system. Both my parents suffer from bad cold sores, so I grew up getting kissed on and loved on by both of them. I had never, and still have never suffered a cold sore. My husband had a clean bill of health from his screenings. We thought we were good and I did not question him with regard to his hsv status. To me, hsv was something that was always included in my STD screens, so I did not even think to ask him. Apparently hsv screening is done by request. It is not part of a routine STD panel.

 

After the very first time we slept together, I began to have pain internally and a great deal of discharge. Our thoughts went immediately to the fact that he had a prince albert piercing, and had stretched it to accommodate a large metal O-ring. I felt that maybe the contact from this metal ring to my cervix was what was causing my pain. After removal of the jewelry didn't solve my pain and discharge I went to see my doc. She looked at me and at that time I did not have any blisters or bumps. I only had a very unhappy cervix and a yellow discharge that did not show anything remarkable under the microscope. She gave me a prescription for antibiotics, calling it a cervical infection. The antibiotics did nothing to remedy my pain or discharge, and sure enough my body kicked into full throttle, initial outbreak mode. I popped out about 10 blisters that I could see on the outside, and I made a same-day appointment with my doc. She examined me and said, "I think you have herpes." What? Who? Me? No way! She was smoking crack! Total and complete denial kicked in. She took two swabs from my open blisters and sent them off to be tested. She prescribed an antiviral for me that day and told me to start taking it. My head was reeling from this diagnosis, and I just couldn't understand how...or why...or when this had happened to me. An image of my husband popped into my head just then because since I had met him, he had had a couple cold sores that were painful and pretty large. I hadn't thought about it up until that day, but then my mind began to race about the possibility that he had shared his oral herpes with me through genital contact.

 

I got home from the appointment and from picking up my antiviral, and I laid down on my bed and cried for the longest time. I have a best friend who has had herpes for a few years. I had always felt so bad for her. I was constantly trying to boost her self-esteem, and calm her anxiety and stress over her worries that she would never have another boyfriend. But, until that day I never fully understood the scope of what she felt like inside. Even though I was with my husband, and we had a beautiful relationship, I felt dirty. I felt different. I felt doomed. I felt shamed. I felt alone. I felt like my life was over. I got through the initial crying outburst, and sent a text my husband to tell him what the doc had said. He was at work, and was tattooing someone. He could not actually speak to me, but he responded to my text. He kept apologizing over and over to me, telling me he was so sorry. We both came to the conclusion at that point that he had shared the hsv1 virus with me.

 

That initial outbreak was horrible. I felt incredibly tired, run down, feverish, and I had this CRAZY pain that radiated out from my right, lower back. The blisters felt like they were literally on fire. No matter what I did, nothing took away the pain. I tried so many different things that I read about online to alleviate the blisters, but nothing made them feel any better. I'm sorry if this is too much information, but I remember my underwear sticking to me and when I would go to the bathroom I would inadvertently rip the tops of the blisters off as they had become attached. Ugggghhhhhhh. The antiviral threw me into these crazy, dizzy states like an anxiety or panic attack. I couldn't even leave the house, and driving was sketchy. I was on no other medication and the acyclovir was all I was taking. The antiviral made me feel more sick than I had before starting it, but I stuck with it because my doc said it would make the outbreak shorter, and less painful. My initial outbreak lasted a solid two weeks, and went into the third week. It was heartwrenching, and my husband was to the point of tears daily watching me suffer. He cried with me a few times, and was at a loss. After my initial outbreak I went about a month before I swung back into another. This one did not produce as many blisters, but I got through it without the acyclovir. I just couldn't deal with how badly it made me feel, so I stuck with a routine of tea tree oil and lysine capsules. This outbreak did not last as long, but the blisters I did get hurt just as bad as the first time around. At this point I called my doc back, and asked her if she would do blood work. She agreed, and I went in and had my blood drawn. This blood work showed that I was not only positive for hsv1, but for hsv2 as well. What? Who? Me? Herpes 1 AND 2??!! This blood work showed that the hsv1 had been in my system, which I already knew, and that the hsv2 was a recent exposure. After getting these results my husband went in for blood work. His blood work came back exactly like mine did, but his showed positive for both hsv1 and hsv2...but not with recent exposures.

 

He FREAKED OUT! When we got his results back, my anger kicked in a bit. I questioned him as to any symptoms he may have had, bumps, blisters, itching, red spots, flu-like symptoms, tingling, pain in his lower back. All he could remember was that he had had some lower back pain. But, beyond that, no symptoms! Asymptomatic! The luck of the draw I guess. The last five months I have suffered daily tingling and pain in my right lower back. I also have this CRAZY pain that begins in my right buttcheek and radiates down the back of my right leg. Enough to put me in tears. Headaches constantly. Itching on the inside of my thighs with this weird rash. I have had anxiety and panic attacks like I have never experienced in my life. I have had a few more minor outbreaks that seem to come on with my period. I am so tired of this virus. I hate it. I hate that it will be with me forever. All I can keep telling myself is that with time it will get better, and the outbreaks will be fewer and farther between. I have this really strange dynamic inside of me and I battle myself daily. I love my husband incredibly, and can't imagine life without him...but there are days when I just feel bitchy and angry that he shared this with me. I know I can't be alone in this sentiment. I guess I am still in the "anger" phase...right?

 

Thanks for reading my novel.

[lelani]

My heart is going out to you LOTD...it all seems so unfair when stuff like this happens and yeah I can understand you feeling angry and yeah its a phase. It's still early days for you with your body working out what to do with H and I remember it as one of feeling awful and wondering if I would EVER feel 'normal' again. I had back to back OB's for about 6 months - it wasn't fun. I did a alot of crying!

 

What I learned was that I needed to just let go and accept it...the only other choice was to continue to feel angry, anxious and unhealthy. I changed my diet to mostly raw foods, took supplements, bumped up my meditation times, did daily (often hourly) sets of healing affirmations and just forgave...and one day the OB's just stopped. Now I have been symptom free for 6 months and if feels wonderful. I still have H but I don't focus on it most of the time. I am on my own so I do have times where my fears of being along forever creep in but they don't last for long.

 

You love your husband so much and can't imagine life without him...then you have to forgive him. He will be feeling guilty and so bad too...your ongoing anger is blocking the amazing connection you can have with him. Forgiveness is your only option and it is a choice...its practice, and its a gift to yourself. You will find that in practising it your symptoms will reduce sooooo much - anger feeds H like nothing else!

 

With time this WILL get better...hating it just keeps it in the front of your mind and what you think about expands. I know exactly how you are feeling and I have come a long way since those days - H has been a gift in so many ways...especially in learning to forgive and to love. So talk with your husband... without blame, and work together to live well with H.

 

Nurture yourself, eat well, exercise and also rest and forgive.....you have a man you love and who loves you, H can bring you closer together if you let it. Biggest hugs to you and sending lots of healing. x