Woman I'm Dating Told Me She Has Genital Herpes Type 2

[adrianm]

Alright, so I've been seeing this woman for about, what, a month and a half? She's been taking things slow with me, which I like, because I'm definitely not the type of guy to rush into things, emotionally or even physically. It takes me longer than most to get to a point where I trust another person and feel comfortable with them. But things were going well. Two nights ago, she opens up to me, and starts off by telling me that she likes me very much and she feels safe with me, and she thinks we "have a future" (her words). I'm happy about all of this, and I think I feel the same about her, even though, as I said, it takes me a while to warm up to new people. Then she starts talking about how crucial communication and honestly are for her, and I agree yes of course that is central. Long story short, she tells me "Adrian, I have genital herpes." She goes on to tell me about how it's "one of the most common" sexually transmitted infections, and that it isn't serious from a medical standpoint, and that aside from outbreaks, there are no complications from it. I am listening to her, trying to keep up eye contact, and listen, just listen, to what she is saying. She gets done talking and asks me if I have any questions, but at that point, I am kind of shocked and sit there in silence. Now, please understand that herpes is something I've never had to think about before in my life. I've gotten STD checks, and I had one 8 months ago after my last partner, and yes, I told them to include a herpes test. Everything was negative. The truth is, I was a little embarrassed by my reaction, even though I imagine that surprise is normal for a lot of people. The truth is, I felt sad, just very sad. I'm a naturally shy and reserved person, and I don't go out on as many dates as other men my age. I feel good about this woman--her name is Michelle--but I don't know what to do. I mean, yes, I like her. But I also am very proud of my good health, and I want to stay healthy. From the little research I did, yes, it does truly seem like genital herpes is not a medically serious thing. But what happens if it doesn't work out between us? What happens if I stay with her, and then 5 or 6 years down the road, we decide to break up, but I contracted herpes from her in the meantime? Then I'm going to have the exact same conversation with all of my future partners that she had with me two nights ago? My point is, I don't quite know yet where this relationship is going, and her disclosure is forcing me to come to some quick answers about how I feel right now, instead of just letting things take their natural course and see how my feelings develop. I want to get in contact with her by tomorrow, the latest, but I'm unsure what to say. I think that, at bottom, I would just want to wait and see how things develop, instead of rushing to a definite "yes" or "no." Is that so unreasonable?

[MissModular]

I think you tell her everything you said here. You aren't judging her but you feel like you want to maintain your sexual health. You don't know where the relationship is going and you feel like this knowledge has accelerated your mindset -- so, do you take it slowly the way things have been progressing or do you make a decision based on the great unknown? (i.e. whether or not she is long-term relationship material)

 

Being totally honest and upfront is really your best option. Don't force a quick decision. If it were me, since things were going so well, I would let things happen organically. Others have posted here, and I'm finding this is happening in my own relationship (I was diagnosed the same week I met the man I'm now dating), that H can create greater intimacy with a partner.

[adrianm]

Yes, I suppose, I should be honest. Although I feel like my response will be disappointing to her because it will just push the issue further into the future. I don't know. It's just sad, because this issue intersects all the tectonic fault lines of my own psychology. I am lucky enough never to have been born with, or acquired, a stigmatizing condition, but I am still so very sensitive to rejection. My whole life is based on doing things to minimize all possibility of rejection, even at the expense of taking risks and "getting out there" and meeting new people. I am very insular, introspective, and withdrawn. My family has noted this throughout the years with great concern. My mother thinks there is a void in me. Perhaps she is right. But I know that being with someone, and being able to love and be loved by them, would help me. I just don't know how to get over the inbuilt limitations of my own view of the world and relationships to make it happen.

[ihaveittoo]

@adrianm

 

Hello and welcome.

 

The fact you have come here tells me you find your girlfriend to be a very special person. Be very thankful she disclosed to you. 80% of people who have herpes don't know they have it. If you reject her now you may not be so lucky with the next woman.

 

For the time being subtract herpes from the equation. If things were going well before she disclosed then it sounds like the relationship is still worth pursuing. You two should go over the e-book and handouts available from this site. With good education and communication you should have little chance of catching the virus.

[Scared4this]

Majority of us got here bc our once partner weren't honest or just don't know.... The fact she gather enough courage to tell u, that in itself is a sign of a person with character and integrity. Any sexual relationship is a risk no matter what so that's just life. If u really do feel something special for this girl and have the connection that is truly amazing then don't let something amazing pass u by.

I understand ur reaction as it is normal and both of my best friends had turned down people who has h. I have no judgement there as I know if even the chance I would not want to be in the limbo either. However, I know I loved a few people in my life and if the one I loved told me they have h... I like to believe I would love them regardless. We love not bc they are flawless, but we love is bc they are worth to be loved.

She is a great gal and respect u enough to let u know so u know u can trust her as she trusted u with her most deepest secret.

If u turn her down, please be kind and compassionate. It is so tough to be out there dating as is... And with h, it's hard to have self love at times.

[Yadira]

@adrianm

 

My advice: Get to know her better. Do fun things together. You haven't known her that long & this is a big decision. I had to have that exact conversation with my (now) boyfriend. It was scary but he responded with "I care about you & I don't want to loose you". We have been together a year now & he has not contracted HSV2 from me. Lets be honest, there are so many more things that make a great relationship outside of sex. Yes sex & physical time are important but what's the rush? Really get to know her. Actually date her. My boyfriend & I made a deal -we would go on 15 real dates before we got physical. It was amazing. We took our time, fell in love and then we became sexually active.

It's not easy to find someone really special, so if she is special to you, then date her & see how you feel about her after a few weeks.

I hope everything works out well!

[WCSDancer2010]

Some really, really great advice here...

 

But I also am very proud of my good health, and I want to stay healthy.

 

As mentioned above - 80% of the population either doesn't know they have H or have inaccurate info on how it spreads ... most of us here got it from someone like that ... so the fact that she knows she has it and can take meds/use condoms to protect you actually makes her *less* of a risk in a way ;)

 

From the little research I did, yes, it does truly seem like genital herpes is not a medically serious thing. But what happens if it doesn't work out between us? What happens if I stay with her, and then 5 or 6 years down the road, we decide to break up, but I contracted herpes from her in the meantime? Then I'm going to have the exact same conversation with all of my future partners that she had with me two nights ago?

 

If you live your life around "what if?" you won't get anywhere ... sometimes you have to just jump and go with a leap of faith ;)

 

My point is, I don't quite know yet where this relationship is going, and her disclosure is forcing me to come to some quick answers about how I feel right now, instead of just letting things take their natural course and see how my feelings develop. I want to get in contact with her by tomorrow, the latest, but I'm unsure what to say. I think that, at bottom, I would just want to wait and see how things develop, instead of rushing to a definite "yes" or "no." Is that so unreasonable?

 

TOTALLY reasonable... THIS is what you need to focus on. If you are not sure about the relationship and where it's heading, take it slow. That's fair. And if you feel things are developing, take the intimacy issue as slow as you need to. Believe me, it can be REALLY fun :)

 

Regarding risk/rejection/etc and more info on H, here are some links to help you

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3546/watch-this-now-the-prison-of-your-mind- Sean Stephenson Prison Ted Talk

 

Herpes facts video

 

 

[msmee]

There's nothing wrong with anything you said. You don't have to be physical any time soon, I think it's ok to protect yourself and she may not want to be physical just yet either.

[adrianm]

Alright, well I had the woman I'm dating over for dinner at my home last night. Things went well, although I could tell she was quite nervous about what I was going to say, though she put her best face on it. I said, listen, you don't have anything to fear from me. I mean, I will never treat you with indignity or disrespect. I would never do that. You are "safe" with me. I also told her that, at least for the time being, I would like to see how things develop over the coming weeks and months. I would rather do that than come to some very quick, hard-and-fast decisions about where this relationship is going right now. I want good things to happen for both of us. Now, getting used to "H"--as people seem to be calling it--would definitely take some time. But I am an educated and intelligent person, and practically as a rule when someone tells me what the "received" wisdom or "most common" opinion is on a subject, I immediately greet that opinion with robust skepticism and scrutiny, for the simple reason that almost everything people commonly believe, is wrong. And I told her that one of the most despicable and grotesque human traits is that of judgment, particularly judgment of those who have suffered misfortune. I cannot and will never understand why, when something unfortunate happens, people are by and large led to judge a person for such misfortune, when empathy, compassion, and consideration is what is most called for. She was happy. We'll see how things go.

[WCSDancer2010]

@adrianm

 

She is a very lucky woman ... that was so beautifully put. And I think people here need to read this and see that there ARE wonderful H- people who will give a shot at love to someone who is H+ if they feel that the relationship is worthwhile...

 

Good luck to you both and keep us posted!

[msmee]

Have fun now!

[whitedaisies]

Really wished everyone was like you. You have a really healthy attitude about it. You are protecting yourself without being insulting to her. You are respecting her feelings and keeping an open mind and really that is all anyone can ask for.

 

You are a truly wonderful person.

 

Good luck.

[Welphmm]

I want an update!!! Where are you, Adrian?