stupid me

[mandymoon]

Theres times when i feel ok but times where i just wanna curl up, but i cant I have a 8mth gorgeous daughter to care and be strong for. but no one gave me this I did I did this to myself. Ive had hsv1 for a while I performed oral sex on my bf then the next day bam i had this stupid sore on my lips i freaked i freaked the f out my worst fear I knew what was but hoped it was too early for it to pass. nope with in a week n a half out came the sore down there. I cried n cried. I cant stand myself or my body it always told me when to stay away something in body told me not to and i wouldnt touch nothing but this time I had no clue i had a burning sensation but not where i always get my cold sore so i thought nothing of it but a blackhead remover lotion i used N to put my man at risk makes me even more mad I was always super catious, but this time I had no clue :( i hate it i hate it. He til now has had no symptoms n heard it was harder for men to get so i hope this means he doesnt til he gets tested. I didnt ever imagine being the girl to give someone something I havent been able to look in the mirror since then.

[WCSDancer2010]

@mandymoon

 

Hello and Welcome! You have entered the "Judgement Free Zone" ... which means you need to stop judging YOURSELF too ;)

 

Half of all genital HSV1 being diagnosed right now is from oral sex ... why? Because:

 

1) 80% of carriers don't know they have it

2) Even when they do, they don't know they can pass it on and

3) Even if they do, they don't know when they are shedding/may be about to have an outbreak and

4) We are sexual creatures and oral sex is a beautiful way to be intimate.

 

So - first off, beating yourself up won't help. Living life (which includes being a sexual creature) means accepting risk. Every time you drive, you take the risk of injuring yourself or others. Every time we share a drink, we can pass something on (or get it ourselves) that we are currently unaware that we have (cold, herpes, etc). Sports all have some kind of injury statistics. The astronauts that went in the Voyager Space Shuttle all knew there was a *risk* of something going wrong but they took that risk ... there were 135 Space Shuttle flights ... 2 blew up. So the risk of dying was 1.5% ... even less than that of passing on H from Oral Sex ... but they took the risk anyway and sadly they just plain got unlucky.

 

And that's the thing. You got unlucky. It's nothing to do with who YOU are.

 

I assume your BF knew the risk of getting H from oral sex? (It sounds like you knew it was possible.) If so, and you did everything to not have oral when you knew you had an OB, well then, he is just as much "at fault" because he assumed that risk and was ok with it. Now, if you never told him you had Oral Herpes AND you knew the risks then you have some cleaning up to do ....

 

Self-deprecating won't be a good example for your daughter to learn from. Restoring integrity and self-forgiveness will give her much better tools to live with in the future ....

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/driving-yourself-crazy/

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

 

(((HUGS)))

[mandymoon]

First off thank you for taking the time and welcoming me second thing is thank you for your info and support. Your right with it all oral sex is wonderful especially when its someone you are head over heels an emotional show of love. And your sooo right life is a ball of risk totally. I mean my dr that diagnosed me said remember dont kiss or perform oral when you have a sore. So when i read it on the internet i wasnt so convinced cuz i was like she is a dr she knows better. So it wasnt drilled but like i kept precautions too cuz i didnt want the blisters to touch nothing either way n like i said my body always gave me a warning except obviously this last time we failed. n he knew definately thats y i would abstain n let him know y everytime. I wouldnt ever not do that to him, leave him in the dark about my obs. shedding ptho I had no clue about that.I mean noNe of us ever ask for this unless obs were in glitter than it would be awesome

[mandymoon]

[mandymoon]

Omg it isnt posting right its cuttin off my paragraphs

[mandymoon]

:) I mean im slowely but surely steppin into reality theres ups n downs just like everyone else. I don't care for the stigma although it sucks n needs to go away I miss going potty freely n paranoid everytime I go to feel a sting n im not a fan of medicine im an alternative natural type. It urks me n thinking about the google images is what haunted me the most make one faint. As for my baby shell know nothing but positivity n strength shes my angel n when I look at her I forget about all about lifes worries she n my family are my big supporters!!! N although it bites its nice to know theres not 2 or 10 but millions of us in this risky life something I so tried to avoid once again thanks a lot kind one

 

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

You did everything right with the knowledge you had been given by the doctor ... unfortunately many of them are way behind the times and/or don't bring you up to date about the latest info on H if they DO catch up.

 

So stop beating yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong except try to bring your BF pleasure and you just got unlucky. That's all. Now you need to be there to support him. If he's struggling get him on here too ... don't let him do it alone if he's buying into the stigma... ok?

 

(((HUGS)))

[mandymoon]

thank you so much missy