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New to Herpes: My girlfriend knowingly gave me herpes

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I, as many others, have discovered that I have herpes, which I contracted from my current relationship. When I confronted my girlfriend about the test results she broke down and cried that she knew. I asked her why she did not disclose it at the beginning of the relationship. She shared that she was angry at the the person who gave it to her. I paused and then asked her what she meant by that. She screamed that she is pissed off at men and she wants payback for what was done to her! I couldn't believe my ears and I am in total shock! Most importantly, I can't believe that I am in a relationship with this person and I must have missed the red flags throughout our one year relationship.


She went on that she is a piece of crap and that together we do not amount to much more than that. She said that now I have it, no else would want me and that I might as well stay with her.


Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this?


Infected and heartbroken.

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OMG I feel for you NC...glad you reached out here!


Maybe you need to follow your name...and create a new chapter now. I feel sad you have been treated this way by someone who is supposed to love you...I feel for her that she is so bitter and angry she can behave this way. Yeah, I think you have missed a few redflags, reactions like this one don't just come out of the blue...but we all have have missed some in relationships too so you are not on your own in that. But this red flag is pretty hard to ignore.


Do you want to be with someone who is so consumed by hate and anger? There is no love in her reaction...for you or for herself and you deserve to be loved and cared about...she has given you neither. She is wrong saying no one else will want you...so so wrong. You may as well stay with her..? Why??? Because she is crap and your relationship doesn't amount to much more than that?? She is right though, your relationship will be crap. Don't stay NC...take some time to heal and love yourself. You are not responsible for her feelings.


The biggest hugs to you...I know how heartbroken you will be feeling. Keep posting, you will get heaps of support on here. :-) x



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OMGosh is exactly my response too :( This breaks my heart in so many ways for you. I'm sorry she didn't disclose, I'm sorry you contracted, and I'm sorry she validated her actions by being an angry "man hater" insinuating you deserved it or something...UGH! That's awful, immature behavior and you deserve so much better.


I don't know your girlfriend, sounds like her description of herself is VERY true, but you are not a piece of crap and please don't ever feel that way. Don't get dragged down to her level or stay in the relationship because of fear no one would want you. Millions of people will want, love and accept you... and the right one surely wont treat you the way she did. Sorry to be so judgmental about your girlfriend, but were a family here supporting each other and hearing something like this is upsetting. The relationship doesn't sound healthy or supportive. How will you be able to love and accept yourself with a person who holds such anger and disgust towards themselves... and shes trying to make you feel the same disgust in yourself. Don't!


Understandably your heart is aching but filling it with support and love from this community will help heal it... staying in a situation like that will not. Huge hugs for you, here to talk anytime :) xo





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Lelani and Alex,


Thank you so much for your input and wisdom. I get the sense that neither one of you are novices as it pertains to this virus and the physical/emotional ramifications.


I am in still in shock at the thought of my girl friend intentionally wanting to pass this on to me. I can't begin to tell you the all the thoughts that rumble through my brain. I am saddened beyond description. I thought she loved me and in addition, I am in shock that I would choose to be in a relationship with a person of questionable character.


I have decided to suspend contact with her until I can come to terms with my grief. She left me a note on my door giving me an ultimatum that I have a week to make up my mind if we will remain in a relationship. She reasserted that I would never find anyone who would want me now because of this virus that I now have. She also has threatened to tell my family about it if I don't stay with her. I will take your words to heart that this virus would not hobble me from being in a healthy future relationship.


Sounds like if I do nothing that this relationship will terminate without my participation. This is so hard to believe, almost fells like Jerry Springer.



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I have to say OMG again...! She gave YOU an ultimatum???? Maybe it will be freeing for you to tell you family straight away (and give them the opportunity to support you in this...if any of my kids or siblings shared this with me they would have my back 100%!!!! and just let her carry out her threat.


Scott...run for the hills!!! I hate to sound flippant but seriously...she is not good for you and she has done something very hateful and vindictive...the hate comes from her and its not you. She actually needs help.


This virus won't stop you from having a healthy future relationship...actually it is a guarantee for one if you live with honesty and integrity. It will require you to overcome your biggest fears about yourself, learn to love yourself and to be courageous.


Your girlfriend has already terminated your relationship...that kind of breach of trust is a deal breaker. You deserve so much more. And I have gone through the same level of shocking behaviour in a relationship with someone I thought loved me so your experience doesn't shock me...I know how it feels. But I also know it teaches you what real love is and that it is better to be alone than in a relationship where you have no trust.


Yes I'm here for you too Scott...this too shall pass. There are so many amazing women out there (a few of us here to ;-) ) that you don't need to settle for this. Another hug coming your way :-)

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Hi Scott,

what a hideous experience. Lelani is right. Run for the hills. The most important thing for you now is to nurture yourself. In time you will forgive yourself for choosing this woman and the result of that. It's a huge learning experience- if you promise yourself that you will get more learning and power from this experience, including contracting the virus, than you have paid for it in pain and misery, you will fulfill that.


I was diagnosed 18 yrs ago, had it for years without noticing, it was found incidentally in a gyno exam. My partner at the time was fine, I hardly thought about it until we broke up and I was seeking a new relationship...(btw we used no condoms and no medications, lovers for over 6 years , he didn't contract it.)


On my first disclosure, the man said, No thanks...and he was kind, respectful and compassionate about it. More recently, I disclosed again to a new love interest--and he was so okay with it, the whole conversation took less than 5 minutes, we were onto other things seamlessly. I was amazed! but there it is.


So I am PROOF that your ex is wrong! Real, healthy, loving people of both genders will see who you are beyond the virus. Some will say No thanks, some will say Yes please. Do not allow her to scare you into losing your best possibilities for love.


So let her go, WALK AWAY, and start your healing work here with us.

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WOW WOW WOW, what a bitch! Sorry but she gives all women a bad name! What a cruel cruel thing to do. You have seen her true character and its evil, destructive and self-loathing. Listen to other courageous women here. Walk away. If she tells, deal with it. It's not the end of the world. You WILL be OK. Even more than OK. You will find many other women. I've found that I am still desirable to men. I found that people don't care as much as we think they do. I've found that the best people are able to make a decision that's mature whether it's to leave or stay. So don't let her ruin your life. You are lucky you found out her true character before you married her or had kids! She gave you a gift to be able to now evaluate relationships much more clearly. Try to use what she did as a stepping stone to making better decisions. I'm so sorry that someone would do this to someone else. But, we all have it here and it's not the end of the world. You will not only be ok but you will be happy later. I wish you all the luck in the world and know that I send you a hug!

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Sorry to go dark, but I have been in the process of picking up the pieces after her devastating admission. I have come to find out that I misunderstood her intention as it relates to her telling my family that I have HSV. I now understand her true intention is to tell my family that I gave her the herpes virus if I don't commit to staying with her. I am so upset! I have disclosed to my family that I have the virus and they are very supportive and concerned. She practically lived with me and now I am faced with the best approach in getting her possessions back to her. I pretty much have all her stuff packed and need to strategize on the the best option for her to retrieve. She is demanding that she be allowed to come into the apartment and verify that all of her stuff has been accounted. She is also demanding that I be there to negotiate in the event she finds discrepancies.


Thank you for the hugs, support. I am running for the hills but I need to get this property issue resolved intelligently and hopefully quickly.

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Isn't it possible that your ex is extremely insecure and defensive and less possibly thaaat vindictive? I am by no means suggesting that you shouldn't leave her; I am just trying to understand how she is human (eg. I know I can say terrible/irrational things when I am being defensive or angry- I'm working on it ;) ). Hopefully you ending it will be the kick in the butt that she needs to deal properly with her diagnosis.


Either way, it sounds like you are dealing with it much better, even though you have to go through a lot of ridiculous shit right now. I am sorry about that. I'll look out for your small claims court trial on TV :), and wish you the best!

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Hey NC...I agree with pcvkak in that your ex is insecure and defensive and that is why she is also vindictive and nasty. But when someone tells you something the wisest thing is to believe what they say...it doesn't come from nowhere!


She was going to tell your family that YOU gave it to her...that's about vindictive as it gets! And to dictate that she will come and verify what is hers...and negotiate discrepancies...I'm with Lisa...dump her things on the curb - no...even better...leave her stuff at your families house and let her pick it up from them. As I mother I would love that opportunity...she wouldn't mess with me lol!


Really glad you made it to the hills...this crazy stuff will pass. Be gracious and intelligent in the face of craziness and let your family support you - you'll get through it :-).

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Wow she's a tough cookie. No doubt she is injured and damaged herself, but this is not your responsibility, it is hers. It's so hard to believe who the people we fell for sometimes turn out to be.


Do not let her bully you. You don't have to accept her demands. Do you have a couple of friends who could drop her stuff off at her place, with an agreement that if there's any discrepancy, she will send you an email?

I would not allow myself to be in her company again. She is behaving in a toxic way towards you over a sustained time, and I believe it is self-abuse to allow her to continue, at least in person. I'd tell her too, simply say It's no longer healthy for us to see each other. I'm willing to negotiate if necessary, but not in person. Tell her on the phone or in an email. You don't have to keep exposing yourself here.


I do feel some compassion for her as she is obviously in pain and desperate, but it's truly her responsibility to deal with that and get help. Best of luck in completing the process.



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Hey JC, I'm curious why if you weren't with your boyfriend that you would be on herpes dating sites? Why would you segregate yourself like that? And why wouldn't you just be 100% honest when dating whoever, regardless whether you or they have herpes or not?


I get simultaneously upset and sad when people with herpes think they need to stay dating only people with herpes. It's when people lie about having herpes that perpetuates herpes as a dirty thing that only people with no morals get and pass on. If we are honest about it, that changes the stigma. If we only date on herpes dating sites, we cut out 84% of our population! It's basically a mass pre-rejection. I'm a big stand against that way of thinking! :)


Here's an article I wrote about it:


Note: This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.
I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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I'm so, so sorry that you were disrespected like that. I'm blown away that someone would knowingly pass on herpes like that. I'm sick to my stomach. Not about the herpes, but about the kind of person who would do that. There must be so many horrible things going on in her head to feel like she needed to do that. I imagine she has a lot of withheld shame and anger. And not only did she try to pass the physical virus to you, but she also is passing all of her own stigma and self-hatred. But notice if you're taking all of that on from her. That's what you don't have to take on. Yes, she did you wrong. And now there is a choice you get to make about how you will feel about having herpes now. Will it remind you of being done wrong or will it remind you that you will have integrity that your girlfriend didn't? It's hard not to slip into victim mentality here, but super important that you don't let her own problems infect you. Herpes is manageable. A bad attitude and self-pity doesn't help anyone. And that's the part you have control over being infected by.

Note: This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.
I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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Hi Adrial,


Personally, I'm not able to talk about the condition with anyone. I would want to go to a dating herpe site because I wouldn't want to deal with being rejected. Maybe once I deal with my issues, I'll be able to explore without the dating site in the future that is.

I am always honest with people.

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I totally get that feeling, JC. I understand the fear of being rejected. I felt it for a long time. Then I realized it was a story I chose to believe about myself. Rejection is inherent in life. If you put yourself out there (not just with the herpes talk, but in general), there is always a chance of being rejected. Avoiding dating people without herpes because of the fear of possibly being rejected is giving herpes way more power than it deserves. See what I mean? There are plenty of people who would be happy to risk a little skin condition for being with an awesome person (aka you). ;) I don't mean to be preachy here; just want to make sure we aren't short-changing ourselves by believing that we need to segregate ourselves.



Note: This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.
I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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I am so sorry for your pain. Your hopefully soon to be ex is crackers and you need to kick her to the curb. She is a complete and total narcissist. I was married to one for almost two decades, I know. Do not let her and your fears hold you hostage. She is not someone you want to be the mother of your children.


You will...WILL find someone who will love you for you. I can tell you are a sensitive, caring guy and this virus will get smaller in the rearview mirror if you take this opportunity to work on you...heal your broken heart and get stronger.


I am a year into my dx. My giver was my first love. The man I gave my virginity to, and who came back after I was separated and also knowingly gave me herpes. I am still working through this, but I know I deserve to be loved well and I will not settle for someone who would intentionally hurt me just because we have the same virus and neither should you.


I know the idea of disclosure makes you want to crawl in a hole right now, but don't expect to make peace with this overnight. It truly is a journey and you are in the right place now. We are your tribe. We'll be here to talk you through it and help you.


Post here a lot. Read here a lot. You will get your feet back underneath you and find your way through this to a place where your new normal is an okay place to be. Herpes exposes a lot of areas in all of us where we could use some inner work. I actually think I am a more compassionate, loving and caring partner now than I ever was. I am not saying Yay for herpes or anything...just that I believe everything happens for a reason and I am being given the chance to become the best version of myself here or just give up. I want to be the best version.


Hang in there, nc. Sending you a hug.



aka breathe

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  • 4 weeks later...

Wow this b**** is crazy and its actually sad the misunderstanding she has about herpes... I didn't read thru everyone's posts so maybe this was already said but isn't there something that an be done legally to someone who knowingly passed this on without telling?! I know in some states they can do that with HIV.

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  • 1 month later...


I went through the same exact thing almost but she did not say she was doing it because it was done to her.Like you she did not tell and knew about it.. The thing that is different is i got check once a year. i wanted to have papers on myself for me and if i met someone to show them i had been check for everything. I have a clean bill of health. Even though i showed her my papers in the begininng {she did not ask for them. i was just being up front} to show her hey im not only looking out for me but im looking out for you she never once said anything about herself when i said how about you. It was like do i look like im like that. So forward now i dated her for a year and a half she had 2 teenage sons that liked me a lot and so I tried to make it work out but she kept treating me like dirt. She was very insecure and tried to put stuff on me (meaning blame me). Mind you i tried to make it work after she told me but her insecurity was pushing me away. I never got mad i just wish i had the option to be told so i could have a choice to be with her or find someone else but i never like you was given a choice because i was never told. So i tried to make it work i liked her teenaged sons and i figured it happen and i don't want to go through this with someone else so why not make it work. She started being very mean to me to where i could not take it anymore so i called it off but wanted to be friends at least or try to be. But she stop talking to me out of the blue,blocked my calls and lives like a hermit and always hiding..I just gave up and now i have left her alone even after making several attemps to contact her to just talk about it and make amends to this.I had fell deeply for her. As a matter of fact after the break up i had a pinched nerve and i was in serious pain and could not move i called her for help and called again left messages but never got a can i help or are you okay did not get nothing and i thought i at least get a call to see if i was okay but got nothing its just to show what kind of person i was dealing with.

Im saying to myself nice guys do finish last. NC if there is one thing i know not right now but she will contact you again if she has not already.

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I just finished reading all this, that is crazy. It stands as an example of just how powerful the impact of the stigma of this condition is for some. That is really unfortunate on multiple fronts, and I'm sorry you had such an experience.


It seems the tactic of now you have it and no one else will want you is more common than I thought. Anyone reading this needs to know...there are plenty of men and women who are more than willing to look past a skin condition. And they realize that it doesn't make you damaged or dirty. Those who think that way simply are letting you know they lack compassion and understanding, and probably wouldn't make good partners because of that shortcoming.


:) CBK

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  • 3 weeks later...

Those who do not have an open mind will always have a closed door.(It sometimes takes wisdom to work ,and more time, with some people then others. With all this I say if a limb that was lost in an accident would they do the same (run)even though it would not be contagious because all that happen is that you lost a foot or eye etc..

People say they want honesty but honesty can be taken as negative.

Sometimes when I have showed my papers to a woman to show I have been tested for all things and its a clean bill of health, I will get a look of why are you showing me that. That alone tells me some would rather not know I feel, through my experience.


I was still willing to except her even though she told me and the reason is it already happen and what is done is done and I cannot change that.So why run now my choice was already taken so I make the best of it. So to break up and now have to explain to another person will be just as much work or harder then just to work it out with who gave it to me I feel. Communication is the key and with out it war exist between human beings.

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Wow, NC! You must have a very strong spirit! I have faith in you and your ability to transform this painful experience into one that makes you stronger and more self-honoring.

I am sorry to hear about how things went down with you and your partner. Someone needs to be stuck in a ton of pain to act in such a way as you partner did. Ouch for everyone involved.

I know you will know what is right for you to do, and I won't pretend I can give advice on this. I can tell you from my experience that staying with a partner just because you both have H (and you don't want to have to reveal this to strangers) is really not enough to go on! It is such a tiny part of who you are. And it sounds like you are a very kind, thoughtful, loving human being who deserves to be treated with a lot of care and compassion.

Wishing you all the best. Keep us posted!

Aloha, S

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