keep on rehashing my mistake

[lovingmyself2014]

As of lately (and I know its still early in my healing process--just found out in June), I keep rehashing my relationship with the man that brought me Herpes. There were so many signs and so many times that I should have walked away before we became intimate, but I still did and without a condom. I think I was so wanting that relationship to work that I just lowered my standards and for that, I keep beating myself up. I am also still wondering why he hasn't called me to let me know his test results. I am assuming then I should just believe he indeed was my "gifter". I really feel like I am on a hamster wheel--going through a vicious circle of beating myself up for the poor choice I made. It can be so easy to magnify something that probably isn't a big deal into something so big. I just want to feel better and like myself again.

[whitedaisies]

Well....start with loving yourself because you should!!!

 

You still could have got H with a condom anyway, so don't beat yourself up.

 

Everyone wants to feel loved and be loved and to love and sometimes we do silly things or make bad judgments because of it. You are human and not unlike any of us on here.

 

I had that hamster wheel feeling and I personally needed antidepressants to stop my mind from spinning.....I was dealing with a whole lot of other junk not just my herpes diagnosis and I found they helped still my mind. Go see a dr if you are finding your mind can't stop....also try therapy...it helped me.

 

You will feel better, promise!

 

xo

[WCSDancer2010]

@lovingmyself2014

 

I'm having to keep my replies short, but I wanted to chime in here:

 

I know it's easier said than done, but really, the past is in the past, and constantly eating yourself up won't help ... lift your head up, take a deep breath, and let him go. Yes, I also believe everything happens for a reason. One thing I have seen time and again on here is how much people grow emotionally, mentally, and spiritually with Herpes AND how they learn to create better, healthier relationships ... so while it may not *seem* like it will be better, trust a veteran that it will ... and one day you may want to thank your gifter for helping you to have this experience so you could change those things that you mentioned (ie: staying in something you knew wasn't healthy) about yourself. Without pain, we won't grow. Get ready for some of the biggest growth of your life.... just by what you said, I think you will find yourself stronger than you ever imagined when you come out the other side of this ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[lovingmyself2014]

Thank you two!!