New Relationship and Feeling Stressed

[sjj238]

I don't know where to begin…I've been dating a guy for about a month now, but we'd been seeing each other for a few months before that. We go to the same college and we got a bit closer right before we both went home for the summer (we live about 3.5 hours away from each other). We visited each other's homes a few times and things became official in July. He's different than any other guy I've ever been into. He's funny, caring, and considerate of my feelings.

 

To go back, I got HSV1 (oral and genital) freshman year of college in the month of April when I was 19. (Now a junior and just turned 21! Whoo!) I was at a party with a guy…We didn't have sex but things went further that I wanted them to. I hated myself for so long after I found out I got herpes. I was just so angry all the time. I went through a few stages actually…Sadness, anger, shock…But I have some really great support from my sister, my friends, and my therapist. I haven't had an outbreak of either one since my first one…sometimes it doesn't feel real that I have H, because of me not having an OB and that kinda bums me out. Like it's great that I haven't had any sores come up, but then it's like I have this STD, but it hasn't occurred since I first got it, so it sucks that I still have it and have to disclose…it makes more sense in my head.

 

Going back further, at the beginning of college, I didn't think that sex was a big deal. I actually came really close to losing my virginity with a guy who lived on my floor. It would have been completely meaningless-just to see what sex was like and to say that I wasn't a virgin anymore basically. But after having my first kiss (yes, my first kiss happened at 19) and trying other things out with guys, I realized as time went on, that sex is a big deal to me, and that I wasn't ready to have sex. I want to wait until I get married, because then it will be special and then I can say that I only had sex with one guy. And that sounds really cool to me. I also wanted to wait so that I would't risk getting pregnant or getting an STD….But sh*t happens. And I think that is why I was absolutely so crushed when I found out I had gotten herpes. But it just goes to show that it can happen to anyone!

 

So this guy I'm seeing…Things have been going slow but just recently I gave him a hand job. I feel a little weird sharing such personal details of our relationship, but we're talking about our bodies already, so I think I'm past sharing too much ;) I'm not super experienced with guys. Sure i've touched them before, but every time they put my hand there, I pulled it away. But this time I didn't. He's my boyfriend and I trust him and I know that he wouldn't make me do anything that I don't want to do. But for some reason, ever since that night I did touch him, I can't stop stressing myself out. Maybe because I feel super bummed about feeling like I can't do all the physical things that a person in a relationship can do, or maybe because I'm just not ready to do those things. Or maybe because I'm nervous to have the sex talk with him and to hear the number of girls he's been with. I feel like hearing his number might bum me out…But I've decided that I'm going to have the sex talk with him before the herpes talk. I want to make sure he supports my decision to wait until I'm married to have sex before I tell him the other stuff…(I talked about this with my therapist, and we practiced exactly how I would tell him I have herpes and I feel pretty confident with how I would disclose). I also want to build more trust between us before I tell him about the H.

 

I guess I don't know what I'm trying to ask here…Just looking for someone to relate to I guess. I had been doing so well with acceptance of herpes until now. I know that herpes is just one small part of me and that I am still a person with great qualities and that something so small shouldn't be the reason that I wake up sad in the morning but I just can't stop thinking about what a relationship is supposed to be like-being able to go down on your partner, or finger without washing hands after…I guess that in the big image of a relationship, those things are quite small. Because a relationship is being with someone you trust, someone you have fun with, and then the sexual acts are just a plus on the side. Haha wasn't sure how to word that. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm super bummed out all over again because I feel like I'm missing out on the sexual acts that people in relationships do…any advice or ways to cheer myself up would be great :/

[WCSDancer2010]

Or maybe because I'm nervous to have the sex talk with him and to hear the number of girls he's been with. I feel like hearing his number might bum me out…

 

Uh - pardon me for asking, but why do you need to know how many he's been with? That sounds like you are setting yourself up to be bummed/upset. His past is his past. The one thing you need to discuss is whether he's not only been tested, but tested for EVERYTHING and whether he has a printed copy that you can see ... and you show him yours ... and that is the perfect segue to the H talk ;)

 

I just can't stop thinking about what a relationship is supposed to be like-being able to go down on your partner, or finger without washing hands after…I guess that in the big image of a relationship, those things are quite small. Because a relationship is being with someone you trust, someone you have fun with, and then the sexual acts are just a plus on the side.

 

Well, you don't necessarily need to wash everything as soon as you finger/etc ... I certainly never have worried about that - I'm just uber careful to not do do anything if there is any chance I'm shedding, and I generally take the anti-virals when I'm in a new relationship. And for *me* sex IS important - it can be the glue in a relationship ... or at least one of the glues. Let's put it this way, sex is a BIG plus if it's good...LOL :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[whitedaisies]

I would say my new outlook on sex is the following:

 

i know this is silly but i see a relationship as the following....kind of like a bulls-eye for archery....

 

sex is the inner target....the inner circle and it needs to be great and then all the outer circles or rings stem from that great sex.....intimacy, vulnerability, friendship, even parenting, etc. If the target is never hit so to speak, then the other rings around it aren't strong enough to keep the relationship solid

 

so sex is extremely important and i would say to be sexually compatible is definitely mandatory to a great healthy relationship

[MissModular]

I love that analogy, whitedaisies!

[WCSDancer2010]

Hmmm - I would postulate that the outer rings are what need to be strong ... because to have great sex requires trust and vulnerability and an ability to communicate. I mean, you can have great sex and have none of those other things (as many in FWB relationships often have) but to have a totally loving relationship you need the foundation of those things to have really great sex on a LONG TERM basis ;)

 

Many many couples have amazingly wonderful relationships where sex is not "important" to either person. But without the other things, the relationship would not hold up.

 

I dated a guy for 3 years - we had pretty decent sex (I think it was "great" for HIM, it was was more like "pretty good" for me ;) ) until he said something that was hurtful to me ... not that I think he meant it to be, but nonetheless, I felt a loss of trust at that point and sex for me afterwards was MUCH less satisfying, because we never managed to fully address the loss of communication and trust that happened in that moment. The "outer rings" were damaged, and it made it really hard for me to achieve climax after that with him :(

 

That said, I'm ALL for a trusting, solid relationship WITH great sex :)

[seeker]

im going to chime in on this question about number of past lovers. I have personal experience in this and it isn't good. my now ex-wife and I had that little chat during our courtship. it didn't seem all that big a deal as we were "older" I was in my early 30s she her late 20s. well i told her and I was quite a Lothario in my day, she wouldn't tell me, just said that I was still in the single digits. I assumed that made me #9 because of her hesitancy. it never bothered me, never even thought about it. all I cared about was that id be her last and it be good with us. she on the other hand held on to not just my number but also the thought that her number somehow meant something to me yet I never once brought it up during our marriage. so, be careful what you ask for, you may get it. sometimes letting stuff go can be for the better. discretion is the better part of valor. when I meet a woman that I want to have a relationship with, I could care less. if she is loyal to me is all that matters as im loyal to a fault. ( I do look tho, I am a guy)

[WCSDancer2010]

@seeker

 

You are so right there. Problem is I didn't ask for any info - I was just told that he had no problem pleasing anyone else in his past and that he was resenting how long I would take to get off ... but his comment just made me feel like shit even though I KNEW he was lying (or all those women were faking it ... he was good, but not THAT good :p )