Feeling broken with herpes

[domh21]

After what has been the strongest of days I am crumbling today. I spoke to the guy (my ex) who I had most recently been with. He's not handled this well. He went m.i.a for a month then recently came back apologizing but still doesn't understand anything i'm going through. He said he got tested but hadn't called about his results yet. That already sounded weird to me. Then a few days later I called and asked him he said he had been too busy with school to call. He said I just wanted someone to blame and that I blame him. I suppose that's true. I keep trying to say to myself that it doesn't change the fact that I have H, which it doesn't. Yet I pursued this anyways. We argued yesterday. He said it didn't matter whether I knew or not. That the reason I called him was to blame him. Perhaps that is true. I just wanted answers. Answers I know I'm probably never going to have. We spoke again after this first conversation and he said oh yea the doctor just called me and said I'm clean. I'm fine. He's like oh you don't believe me. I said you could be asymptomatic. So many things ran through my mind. He again brought up the other two guys I had been with. Perhaps it is one of them maybe it is my ex. At this point I cannot fathom going through this whole search to find out who did it? I have this and it does not change. I handled this situation wrong. I'm so stronger than that. But the argument ensued between us and I handled it poorly. I lost sight of everything and by the time I got home all I wanted to do was go to bed and not wake up. I know it is more than the H it is my heart break. I feel bad my mom was worried about me because I came home late it's not like me. You know moms know. She was there like she always is. As old as I am she will still hold me and be there for me. So I know I'm not alone. I feel bad that I've put her through so much. Everytime he leaves she's there to pick up the pieces and wipe the tears. It's hard today, starting again a new day. I feel like it's set me back. I am guilty. I am leaning into the hurt right now so I can become strong again.

[lelani]

Honey I totally get the strong and then crumbling thing...it happens until we just accept and stop blaming ourselves and others. And yeah sometimes we stuff it up and handle things in ways we wish we could have done better...we are all just learning!

I remember your first post about this guy and the on off thing with him and how he handled you telling him you have H...maybe H is a gift in this sense. His responses to you..his on off thing - are not good for you and not loving. Let him go and concentrate on yourself, healing your body and your spirit.

 

Stop searching for answers...answers to what? You have H like all of us and you will never know who you got it from. Ask yourself other questions like 'what do I need to do to be the healthiest I can?'....'what to I need to do to forgive myself and others?'...'how can I be an inspiration to others?" ...'

 

And at the same time look for all the things you are thankful for...like your mom. I'm a Mum and it is a privilege to be there for my kids whenever they need me. It gives me the opportunity to love them and show them how much. Don't feel bad you have put her through anything...she wants to be there for you.

 

You will become strong again and its often one step forward and two back...the steps back allow us to work out how to move forward again...its where we learn. Big hug to you. xx

 

[domh21]

Thank you Leilani. I can always find strength in your words and literally feel your hugs. Sending one back to you.

[JC81]

Hi domh21, this ex sounds like a jerk to begin with. I know you would like to see if he was the one who infected you, but at this point, he doesn't seem to be giving any answers. If he was clean, I would think he'd be showing you the papers to prove it. Move on girl.

I honestly don't know who I got it from. I've been with 7-8 guys in the past with a new guy. He claims he doesn't have it and gave me reasons etc. I think he forgot some chick he dated before me cause he didn't mention her and I'm not going to talk about it...so I'm letting it go. It sucks to feel as though anyone could have given it to me and how I could have infected SO many guys. I honestly don't even know myself to start telling anyone. For now, I believe I got it from this new guy ... who knows.

I'm moving on and I hope you do as well. We have other stuff to worry about now, like our next OB LOL :) HUGS!

[domh21]

Hey JC!! Yea I know right? I've been with two other guys besides the ex. They were two years ago and I used condoms which I know you can still get with confirms but I was with the ex recently and then this happened. Ironically I had been celibate for a good 6 months then shit just happened and boy did it happen. I don't feel like going on a chase trying to pin point my donor and I've done enough crying last night and today lol I'm moving forward. You're right we gave bigger fish to fry lol thank you!!! Hugs to you too!!!