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I can't deal with this


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Okay I am having the hardest time getting use to knowing I have herpes.... I'm trying to stay positive but I think about it 24/7 and I cry about it everyday. Granted I just found out a week ago and in time who knows maybe I will be okay with it but that's hard to imagine. My ex finally started speaking to me and all I ever wanted was to be back with him but I can't allow myself to be with him now knowing i have HSV2. Sad part is the only reason I contracted this is because I thought dating another guy would help me get over him but the only thing it got me was herpes. Now the asshole that gave me H won't speak to me after I asked him about it and he said he would go get tested. He won't respond to any of my calls or messages with me just asking did he get tested yet which makes me think he knew he had it all along. My self esteem is shot every time someone flirts with me I just shut down. And I know I keep reading stories of people with herpes being able to have a relationship with someone who is negative for H but I just couldn't date anyone who was negative. I couldn't allow myself to put someone else in danger of contracting H from me. No matter what precautions I take I know there's a possibility I could pass it on to them. I couldn't deal with myself knowing I'm putting someone at risk for getting H the emotional drain I'm experiencing I would never want anyone to go through and also the pain itself of having an OB. So I feel like my only option in the future would be to date someone who is hsv2 positive like me but then I feel like I'm settling with someone because we have a shitty virus in common and that fucking sucks. Excuse my profane language but that's the way I feel about it. I just can't deal with this and reading the uplifting stories are inspiring but I feel like I'm not being realistic believing them. Like I really can't wrap my head around the fact that this is my life. I've say back and reflected on all my wrong doing to seeif this is karma coming back to me but nothing I have done in my past is deserving of me contracting this I just don't understand. The doctor told me this could happen to anyone but I don't understand why it just so happened to be me

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first off, breathe. and by the way its not dangerous its basically a rash. an inconvenient one yes but a rash. im less than 1 month since my diagnosis and my attitude now compared to then is well maybe not 180 degrees different but at least 120. my main issue now is figuring out what the myriad number of failings this old body has is possibly an OB. let me ask you this. maybe if you date someone who had H you aren't settling, maybe that's who you were suppose to be with and all those others were settling. after all that great guy with H would have never been on your radar before you obtained it would he? I have H and I consider myself to be quite the catch by the way. and as far as the asshat who wont get back to you. tell him to F himself. don't let him or the one you broke up with play you. its your life!

 

and just a note,H can be somewhat freeing, at least for an older male like me. I now flirt far more than I did before. I figure I have a higher chance of rejection so why not have fun??? I would tell some stories but it would sound like im tooting my own horn .

 

don't give up on life. more people have this than you think and speaking on behalf of us guys with H ( I know the forum seems to be primarily female) we aint chop liver. you could do far worse. as far as karma, if that were true id be in far worse shape than having H, just look at some of the rat fink bastards in the world who are rich, famous and powerful ( im looking at dick cheney) if anyone should have boils erupting from their faces and snakes pouring from their ears its them. your human you make mistakes.

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Thank you seeker. I think the hardest thing about coping with it is my age I'm so young for whatever reason I feel like I could cope better if I were older. People my age I don't feel would understand and just pass judgement if I told them I have herpes. And I don't think being with a guy that has H is a bad thing and you're right maybe this may be the thing in life that helps me find my soul mate who knows... I'm not even interested in dating but these thoughts are eating away at me nonetheless

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Well put @seeker. As a guy who's not a scumbag I couldn't agree more. Dss, it happens to the best of us. And I think you might have it a bit backwards Dss, I tend to find the younger people in my life are way more liberal and less vulnerable to stigma than the older conditioned ones. You're gonna be just fine. A quality, rational man will see you for you, not some stupid skin condition.

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I understand completely. I think about it sometimes also. worst part for me, I had decided that I wanted to find someone and stop with all the running around and then HELLO. funny thing is, I feel the opposite, you being young have more time in front of you so you will have to adjust, there may be a cure before your life is past. ive lived 48.99999 of my 49 years on this earth w/o herpes and have what 30 more? if dating isn't really on your radar then why even worry about that aspect? get yourself in a better general place first. id suggest finding a trusted person to disclose to, I did and my friend told me 2 things A im not the only person he knows with H2, even within our circle and B get over myself. see he has dealt with cancer 2x and has a bad heart condition. funny thing is, ive known him 25 years and he is in better shape now than when I met him. and the cancer was in the last 10 years. there are FAR worse things in life, this is a rash, having a friend who could literally drop dead at any second puts that into perspective. now assuming your at least 21, go have a jagerbomb or a chocolate pretzel or Washington apple or whatever the shot du jour is amongst your generation, relax. hmm I wrote this and forgot to click post, lol

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My ex finally started speaking to me and all I ever wanted was to be back with him but I can't allow myself to be with him now knowing i have HSV2. Sad part is the only reason I contracted this is because I thought dating another guy would help me get over him but the only thing it got me was herpes.

 

Well, perhaps H came along to show you that you can't escape your emotions by running to another. And having been a Rebound Chick (with TWO guys) I've seen first hand how people try to date before they have dealt with their emotions and it doesn't end well for anyone. Curious.... do you usually suppress your emotions when you are upset? Somehow I wonder if this is your reality check that you need to just allow yourself to process things - to ride it out and allow time and the natural grieving process to run it's course?

 

Remember, you are one week into this. You are 20-something? People tend to live about 4,000 weeks ... say you are 25, so you have about 1,250ish behind you. And one shitty one right now. And 3,749 more to go, give or take a few. So you have a choice. You can allow yourself to believe that this is going to ruin your life (in which case, it will), or you can take the lessons that you will get in the coming weeks and months (because you CAN learn from H) and come out a stronger, more amazing person than ever.

 

So let me suggest this. You are one week in. I know right now you can't see yourself with a H- person - but don't get attached to that thought just yet. Be patient (lesson #1 ;) )... with yourself AND the virus ... allow yourself time to adjust to the whole thing. Read all you can on here. Look - I got it at 17 - I'm 53 now. And my life is just fine. And I have H- guy pursuing me right now (actually, I have several others I have not got back to on the dating sites too because I'm out of town and also interested to see where things will go with this guy when I get back ... and they ALL know my status ;) )

 

Chew on this one:

 

Whether you believe you can

or believe you can't

you are right.

 

So which one do YOU want to be?

 

(((HUGS)))

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I just love reading everything y'all post.. It always makes me feel better and a little more human again!

 

Ok Dss, you are definitely going through all the normal emotions.. I'm right there with you! Just know that you are not alone in this. Talk to a therapist (my first appt is Monday) and find an Hbuddy on here! It helps more than you know! Talking to someone, even a stranger, that you know is going through what you're going through really makes a difference emotionally and mentally. It's so easy to feel alone, but the reality is, you're not alone. 1 in 4... You interact with a number of people each and every day battling what you're battling and you'd never know, because most of us are hiding (and it's really no ones business). I'll tell you one thing, the little @$$hole who gave me this present was miiiiiiighty easy on the eyes.. Doesn't make me less angry lol but it just opens your eyes to the fact that all ages, sizes, walks of life, etc have this thing. If you'd like to chat, send me a message! I'm 28 and 3 weeks in to my diagnosis... I know it seems impossible, and I still have good and bad days, but you really are going to be fine. Try to keep perspective, it really could be MUCH worse.. Heres my daily mantra: I am blessed. I have a beautiful HEALTHY daughter; I have a wonderful job; great friends and family; I have all of my limbs and all of my senses; I don't have any life threatening illnesses... " and on and on. Sit down and write down everything you are thankful for. When you are having a tough time, pull your list out and read it. Everyone's got SOMETHING they are battling. Thank goodness ours is a pesky little rash that pops up every now and then! :-) stay strong and keep that chin up!

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@Chinup

 

every day battling what you're battling and you'd never know, because most of us are hiding (and it's really no ones business)

 

Chew on these talks a bit ... true - it's noone's business, but the fact that the majority of people suffer alone with H because they are too afraid to tell anyone (the vast majority don't find us because they don't think to look... they are convinced they are the ONLY one with it :( ). IMO the stigma would go away if we were more open about our struggles....because people would see that they are not alone. ;)

 

I kept my status private for 34 years. After I came out last year I have to say that even though H wasn't a "burden" to me, I still felt sooo much lighter afterwards.... I have nothing to hide ... no stories to remember and keep track of about why I had my first child by Cesarean. I am free. I've had AMAZING support from everyone around me. It really is ... in my experience at least, far worse in your head than it is in reality most of the time :)

 

http://www.upworthy.com/a-4-year-old-girl-asked-a-lesbian-if-shes-a-boy-she-responded-the-awesomest-way-possible Ash Beckhams Closet Ted Talk

 

 

LOVE these quotes from the Shame talk

 

Shame is the Swampland of the soul....

 

If we can quiet it (shame) down and walk in and say "I'm going to do this" we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing 99% of the time is who? US! .... Shame drives two big tapes... "Never good enough" ... and if you can talk it out of that one .. "Who do you think you are?"

 

Empathy is the antidote to shame

 

If you put shame in a petri dish it needs 3 things to grow exponentially - secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame into a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive.

 

Kirsty Spraggon Ted Talk “You are only as Sick as Your Secrets
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Yes seeker the only thing keeping me semi grounded is that I know I could be faced with other bigger things in life. Good thing is herpes isn't life threatening but the bad thing is it's something I have to live with forever . And I have no clue why I'm so obsessed with dating when I don't even want to date anyone until I come to terms with this . I guess I feel like I'll forever be alone with this.

And yes dancer you're right. I've already done a lot of soul searching already since finding out and no I don't deal with my emotions. I must say that yes this is a huge realty check for me.

@chinup after educating myself about the statistics of herpes and how common it is every time I'm out now I look around and say things to myself at least 4 other people here have herpes its okay lol it sounds crazy writing this but it's what ive been doing hoping it would make me feel better about it. I want to take the time to educate others but it's at expenses of everyone knowing my status. But this forum is great and I live all the feed back and I do feel a bit more uplifted now just expressing all of this and getting everyone's perspective

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Well the @Dss ... use this time to learn to allow yourself to process things ... to be kind to yourself ... and patient with the process. It will get better... I can tell you that once you step outside your comfort zone and share with others...esp those you care about that you want to educate, you will find a lot of power in that.. I'm 100% out - just told my step brother and his wife on the way to the airport about what I do. They never blinked and I had a good conversation with his wife about how mis-informed most people are. The only person I won't tell is my father - he's 86, has plenty on his plate and gets confused easily... I'm more worried about it making him worried for me than anything. Otherwise I am very open about it and I have yet to have anyone be ugly with me about it ;)

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I think there is a lot of truth to the fact that if you approach it that it's not a big deal for you, and you have the facts (esp how common it is and how poorly informed the public is) most people are actually GRATEFUL because you can educate them....

 

With luck once we get a public information campaign going, we can get people to start talking about it more ... that alone should slow down the spread of the virus.... AND the stigma :)

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