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is there any way at all I could have a second chance... perhaps?

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So, I've been OB free for about 3 weeks. I feel like myself except that I am taking acyclovir 2 pills 3xs a day which SUCKS but I'm just curious. The day I was diagnosed with herpes... my doctor's first reaction was..."oh, hun these look like infected hair follicles" so I had a sigh of relief. She did a swab test. 3 days later exactly I kept calling and calling and calling the hospital to find out my result. Receptionist told me they were really busy but she told me to remember "no news are good news" but I still just really wanted to HEAR the nurse say..your results came out negative. I wanted to hear it so bad. After 5 hours of calling and approximately 5 voicemails... around 7pm I figured they just had came out negative because it was so late and no one called me back. I ran home and I was just soooo happy. At 7:30ish the nurse returns my calls and says.. I am H positive......I felt like everything around me blacked out and my heart dropped I even dropped my phone. I took the news so hard because I was so positive that I would be fine. I prayed every night to God for a second chance. All because I was never educated or warned about herpes as far as I was concerned, it was only an std that you could get rid of. No one ever taught me that, cold sores on the mouth were herpes. I never knew exactly what it was. And so for those three days before my results came in I did research asked questions and learned tuns of things I was never aware of. So for those three days I prayed that I could have a second chance. I told God that I learned about it. And that I would be careful if he just gave me a second chance. Truth is my boyfriend gets cold sores.."herpes" around his mouth but truth is I can't remember if he really ever gave me oral sex with a cold sore! Because honestly he won't even kiss me when he has one! He thinks it looks nasty and he doesn't want me to kiss it. I've only had sex with only him for two years now. And I made him swear to me that he didn't cheat on me. He cried and looked me in my eyes and he said "for this very reason is why I never have cheated on you, because I love you and I would never put you in any harm of that type, I can't even look at other women. I am in love with you and you are all I need and want" I believe him. But how did this HAPPEN !? I'm LOST. I am AFRAID. I just want to know....could that test have been wrong?!?!?!?!?! Is there any possible way that I could still have a second chance. I got the test done at an ER and I have NO insurance. it's been a time before where I was told I had a kidney stone but I didn't! so I was told that some ERs will tell you anything to get you out if you don't have insurance. Then I went to my primary care doctor and I told him I was tested at an ER. He prescribed me with the acyclovir and and told me he'd give me a blood test in October which is when my next depo provera shot is... so, when I get the blood test results back.... is there any way...that I could have a second chance? I mean I just really fear that if my boyfriend and I ever DO breakup what am I gonna do? How will I ever attract someone with a contagious virus. I am afraid of rejection. And even now when people compliment me when I'm out, I feel ashamed. And different. My anxiety attacks have gotten worse because of this. And my doctors won't prescribe me with anything. I am just afraid...I want to feel like myself again..because honestly I haven't. Some days I can keep myself really really busy and get through the day...but some days I take deep thought about it. How did I contract this is my main concern...even tho I am aware that no doctor will ever be able to answer that. I just think about it every day. I stayed with one man and one man only and tried to be careful and tried to be safe...so how is this happening. :( ugh...

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Do you know if you have HSV1 or 2? Because if it's HV1, odds are you got it from Oral sex ... the VAST majority of Genital HSV is from someone who didn't have any signs - oral or genital.


So - bargaining, eh? That's all part of the process ... but odds are the test was correct. There's a *small* chance that it was wrong, but if you had the swab test and it came back positive, odds are pretty fair that it's correct.


I mean I just really fear that if my boyfriend and I ever DO breakup what am I gonna do? How will I ever attract someone with a contagious virus. I am afraid of rejection.


You can choose to live your life worried about the future (which may never come ... we can all get run over by a bus tomorrow or have some other affliction that will make you wish that *all* you had was Herpes) ... of you can choose to live today to the fullest.


Check these links out about rejection ... because I see this come up here a LOT ... people are soooo worried about being rejected... when in reality it's a really primitive response that doesn't serve us any more...


http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)



And even now when people compliment me when I'm out, I feel ashamed.


WHY? You got H while in a loving, committed relationship. You had sex ... and we are sexual beings. So why feel ashamed? You did nothing wrong ... and think on this. Your BF must be feeling really terrible right now. Noone *wants* to pass it on and it sounds like he did everything right. Now he sees you feeling ashamed. How do you think that makes HIM feel? Especially as he sounds like he really, REALLY loves you. Why feel shame about something that just happened because of bad luck?


The bottom line is. Shit happens. Every day, people have stuff happen even tho they were careful, they did everything *right*, and they are "good" people. Car Accidents. Cancer and other diseases. Falls. House fires. Shootings where the person wasn't involved. Tomorrow isn't promised. We can only deal with today. And we have a choice to accept what has been thrown at us and learn and grow from it, or to use those things as our excuse for everything that goes wrong in our lives. We can look for the positive; for the life lessons. Or we can curl up in defeat and exist rather than LIVE. Its your choice friend. Don't let a little virus ruin your life. It's soooo not that bad, I promise ;)



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