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I'm trying, and seemingly failing.


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Hi everyone. It's been several months since my diagnosis with GHSV1. About 5 actually. I received this wonderful gift from a man who I had been seeing off and on for a few months and routinely having protected sex. One drunken unprotected mistake later, here I am. When I asked him about it, he gave me the "I didn't think I could transmit without an OB" speech. I was more devastated that I wasn't given the choice to decide if I was willing to chance it than I was with the actual diagnosis of H. But now... After I stopped talking to him I'm struggling. I fully understand that what I have is merely a virus. And an almost harmless one at that. So why am I constantly struggling? Why now, am I crying myself to sleep every night?

 

I can't stop the feelings of worthlessness and disgust. I hate myself. For multiple reasons, everything seemed to fall apart all at once. Between a car accident, losing my gran (she hasn't died. Just essentially being kept away from all family members by the person who is supposed to be taking care of her) and very nearly losing my mother to a a diabetic coma all while constantly working a 15hr a day job with almost no time off, the H is truly the icing on the cake when it comes to my life. When can I have a break?!

 

Before H I had already been struggling with feelings of inadequacy and the thought that no one would ever be able to fall in love with me which I'm sure stems from prior unhealthy relationships. One 4 year relationship which ended with the man Id fallen in love with telling me he continued to date me purely because he was unable to deal with being single while all of his friends were married. Essentially I'm a time filler. I'm just too average to be anything more. Nothing about me makes men turn their heads or think... "Hey... This is a girl I would like to get to know. This is someone who probably would be a lot of fun!" So why on earth would anyone ever bother to give me the time of day if I'm upfront about H.

 

In the 5 months since I found out, I haven't been intimate with anyone or even been on a date. Though, I have had a couple of men message me asking if I'd be willing to have what amounts to being friends with benefits. Which I have declined both times. I feel even more worthless when I'm asked these sort of things. Why am I not worth the effort it takes to care about someone?

 

I know my feelings are disproportionate to the severity of the diagnosis, but it's gotten to the point I've considered suicide in the past few weeks. I went home from my horribly stressful military job one night and hugged my dog to the point that I think even he believes I'm crazy. The feelings of wanting to end it have subsided. My dog and cat need me too much to just leave. But the hopelessness and the unease are still very prevalent. I've become a shell of who I used to be. And I don't know where to start the road to healing and happiness again. I thought I could deal with this. But... I just can't.

 

I'm sorry for the long winded depressing pity party. I'm just lost. I haven't told my mother. I can't stand the shame. And my friends I've told try to comfort me. But I keep falling deeper. I want so badly to love myself again. But HOW?!

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Hi friend! Listen to someone who has been there....I have had my fair share of pity parties.

 

I had thoughts of suicide too....and trust me...it's soooooo unlike me to have those feelings. I thought about it for weeks....I was heartbroken (had never been in love before at 42...crazy!!!), dealing with a mid life crisis so to speak and then herpes came along to rock my world. My parents had to walk me to the emergency room to get help....it was humiliating. I got on antidepressants and it helped a lot with the feelings of dread and sadness (I was constantly crying)...go see a doctor and see if they recommend antidepressants to help you through this rough patch. I am 9 months in and I am sooooo much better!!!

 

I also went to therapy 2 x per week. Have a wonderful therapist that has listened to all my bullshit, all my feelings of insecurity, all my naughty thoughts and you know what she said to me...."if i wasn't her patient we would be besties"....wow, someone who knew ME, really knew ME, like no one else thought I was worthy of a bestie....even someone that knew all my crap!!! That really helped me realize that being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts and emotions to "select" people can really be quite fulfilling. I would ask your doctor to recommend a therapist as well. I talk about herpes maybe 20% of the hour now and initially it was 100%!!! So it does get better. I like me better and you will too!

 

So hand clap, high five for telling those friend with benefits offer to "fuck off" as that's definitely not what you need right now. You just showed that you had self worth there....that decision showed that you were worthy of a relationship and the more you reject the jerks out there the more you will end up finding ones who really care about you. And STOP putting yourself down. There are lots of great things about you....COME ON....LIST THEM YOUR NEXT POST...I WANT 4 PLEASE!!!!!

 

Herpes was the straw that broke the camels back with me....I went into a tailspin but what I realize is that herpes was likely only 20% of the problem.....80% had been manifested somewhere inside for years!!!! Just like your feelings....you have to deal with those and herpes and you will feel better, I promise.

 

Get medical help, be kind to yourself, post on here anytime you like as we have all thrown our own pity parties (shhhh....I still do sometimes). You are going through a rough patch, and this patch will end....you are anxious b/c you don't know when or how....trust the healing process....give into it.....don't fight it.....once you do that, you will heal.

 

Lots of hugs to you!

 

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Wow @Whitedaisies! You really are on a roll!

 

@Raven

 

If you read WhiteDaisies posts (you can click on her name and you will see a list of all the discussions she's been on) about 6 weeks ago, you wouldn't know it was the same person. Honest. And she's telling the truth (from first hand experience).

 

It really sounds like you have been in a depressed state for awhile and H was the final straw. BUT, the "Opportunity" in all this (which is what we are all about here ... seeing how we can learn from H rather than allowing it to consume our lives) is that now you are being FORCED to confront the feelings of unworthiness and unlovableness that have likely been buried inside for a looooong time.

 

I'm just too average to be anything more. Nothing about me makes men turn their heads or think... "Hey... This is a girl I would like to get to know. This is someone who probably would be a lot of fun!" So why on earth would anyone ever bother to give me the time of day if I'm upfront about H.

 

In the 5 months since I found out, I haven't been intimate with anyone or even been on a date. Though, I have had a couple of men message me asking if I'd be willing to have what amounts to being friends with benefits. Which I have declined both times.

 

Hell, I know a whole lot of guys who would rather find an "Average" girl than a Hot one that is bat-shit crazy! Odds are the reason you are not "turning heads" (although obviously you are if you have guys wanting to be FWB's... you can't be THAT bad looking! LOL) is that your vibe is that you are not in a healthy place.

 

I want so badly to love myself again. But HOW?!

 

So the first thing you need to do is get medical help. Go to a Therapist. When you are interviewing them on the phone .. and make sure you DO ... question them about their knowledge and experience with dealing with someone with an incurable issue. You don't have to say what it is, but how they answer that will help you to figure out who will be the best fit. Ask about anything else in your world right now that is really throwing you off too... but the reason I say to ask about the "incurable" issue is that many have not really trained with people with similar medical issues. Adrial went to Catalyst Con (a Sex-positive conference mostly attended by therapists and the like) and they did a workshop where the participants ultimately realized how little they really understood how deeply this kind of thing affects people..... so if you can find someone who you really feel you will click with there, all the better. Also ask the therapist who to go to for the medication. I personally don't like people to get on Anti-depressants with their regular Dr. I've sat in on too many sessions (for my father and my ex-husband) with a Psychiatrist and seen how complicated it is to find the "right" medication for people ... many will be OK, but there are a lot of options now and it's fascinating how the "specialists" really work the puzzle pieces to fine tune what you are on so you get the best effect from it. And it doesn't have to be permanent.... good therapy and time may make it possible to get off them. I was on them for 6 months when I went through a spell like yours (always waiting for the other shoe to drop... mine was 15 years and I finally broke when a guy I loved broke up with me and easily moved on when I was needing a rock to lean on).

 

BTW, if you got GHSV1, there's decent odds you got it from Oral sex.... not that it matters. And likely the guy DID believe he couldn't pass it on without an OB ... he also likely thought that condoms gave 100% protection (they don't... only about 50%). Sadly many Dr's - especially GP's/PCP's - are waaaay out of date with their info and thus pass on incorrect information. You may want to print out the Handouts and E-book, both for yourself AND maybe pass it on to the guy (you don't have to re-establish contact, but it would be a public service for any future gal so he is properly informed ... passing it forward is good Karma ;) )

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

I can't stop the feelings of worthlessness and disgust. I hate myself...but it's gotten to the point I've considered suicide in the past few weeks.

 

First - this is perfectly normal. In fact, seeing this time and again is what prompted me to "come out" (I'm 100% out about my status ... after 35 years I was fed up of seeing how badly this affects the newly diagnosed....). Yes, it's an over-reaction. But it's because of a combination of the lack of CORRECT information, crappy jokes, our Puritan heritage (it's "proof" that we are "dirty" because the dared to have sex and ENJOY it!), and thus the belief that we not only have to hide our status from the whole world, but that we might as well join a Leper colony. AND ... nothing is further from the truth.

 

What I see is that Herpes acts as a magnifying glass on all your insecurities .... it makes them so big you can no longer ignore them. It makes them so hot that at first they feel like they will envelop you and that is overwhelming. The GOOD thing is that you are FEELING them now, acknowledging them at a level that you likely never have, even if you have done therapy in the past.

 

So for now, get yourself to a therapist and someone to prescribe something to help you through the first 6 months of turning this around. For now, keep coming on here all that you need to - rant, question, and support others (the last is VERY important as you spend more time on here... it really helps you to see where you are as opposed to where you started) We are a Judgement-Free zone ... so share whatever you need to (nothing is TMI! it's the only way we can help you to move forward) .... read all you can in the Success Stories and Inspirational sections.

 

And check these links out. Perhaps they will help you to put some of it into perspective ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3296/this-is-water-this-is-water- Choice

 

Herpes facts video
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Thanks Dancer.

 

My story is really quite the doosie and by me sharing it with others, I feel like I can help them. I really want to help...the feeling of loneliness is so horrific when you just are at the beginning of the diagnosis. It all changes, it really does. I am trying to embrace the change to help others and myself. Still not all the way there yet...stuck in a few places but I know somehow I will get through it.

 

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It's a never ending process.

 

I'm currently being challenged in the dating world. Doing my best to take this new *possible* relationship one day at a time, when inside I'm screaming that I want to know where it's going. But until I get the H-Opp weekend out of the way, it's going to be slow anyway - going to be crazy busy for the next 3 days .... trying not to make up stories of what is happening when I text and he doesn't reply. We are supposed to meet up later this week and I hope to get clarity on what his expectations are. One moment I'm optimistic and excited, the next I'm wondering if he's seeing someone else (not that he can't - we are not an item - but it's still easy to get insecure around it all). One side of me says if he's going to find another, then do it now. The other wants him to want me now. Every sign seems to be that he feels the same, until tonite - I sent him a picture from my hike, and didn't get a reply (that was 1 1/2 hrs ago). So of course my head is making up all kinds of stories ... *sigh*... even after 10 years of working on this crap, my fear of abandonment still kicks in....

 

And then I laugh at myself, because I *should* know better ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

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