Finding Love with Herpes

[Harlow]

Hi everyone. I am a 21 year old female, just recently diagnosed with HSV2 a little over a week ago. I just recently

ended a dysfunctional relationship with whom I believe was the carrier. (I found out was sleeping with 2+ girls while he was with me). Though I am mostly optimistic about this change in my life, I still have my off moments. I have decided I won't let HSV be a burden on my life. I have decided to take steps towards being a healthier and happier person, as well as leaving bad habits behind. I've decided to eat healthier and have a consistent exercise routine (I hear that healthy habits can reduce outbreaks), more yoga, less alcohol, concentrating more on studies and spending more time with my family.

 

But there is one aspect of my life I feel is uncontrollable. My love life. I am beyond scared that I will never find someone who will love me and accept me because of my HSV. I have had nothing but great experiences with relationships and I am so scared of the rejection. Of the shame of knowing that if it weren't for my HSV I would have more opportunities in relationships. Most of all I hurt for my parents. Family is so important and close to them. They always talk about how excited they are for my future wedding or to have grandchildren running around the house. I am scared that I won't ever find someone and they will always wonder what went wrong. I feel so alone. And although I will strive to be the best person I can be in all aspects of life career, education, family, friends, health..I feel that I will not achieve happiness in love.

 

Any advice, stories, comments or even some tough love would be incredibly helpful. I am inspired every time I read other members' posts. Thanks for your time.

 

ALSO, if anyone knows of any in-person H support groups in the NY/NJ area I would be very interested in this.

[domh21]

Hi Harlow!! Welcome!! This post is so courageous and beautiful. I can relate to you I'm new at this. I share your feelings of fearing I won't find someone but reading posts here in the forum about people who have found real love I feel encouraged. I'm 28 and most of my girl friends are married and in relationships and or having kids so dating was getting hard on me and then this. But I feel H will lead me to deeper connections because I want someone who is going to love all of me. If they can't deal with me having H it doesn't mean I'm not worth loving it's probably not the right person for me. I held myself in a dysfunctional relationship because I wasn't having luck with new guys and was lonely. Now I am going to love me completely and be more selective. You are already making great steps toward loving you which us great. Stay focused on you, healing and loving you. Someone will see you for the amazing person you are. :)

[Harlow]

Thank you so much for your response. It's comforting to know I'm not alone. I'm trying not to think about relationships too much now but it's the biggest factor about H that keeps me down.

[mr_hopp]

What has caused you to believe that you'll have less chances of finding someone who will love you? What proof do you have? Give it to me. (Yes, I am lovingly challenging you.) ;)

[Harlow]

Ah thank you for your response Adrial. I guess I don't have any concrete proof.. But I read and hear about all these heartbreaking rejection stories and you would think with all the knowledge we have about medicine today that the stigma of herpes would've progressed. I guess I am feeling down because of my past relationship and I'm scared that when I'm ready for a relationship again, I will be rejected just because of the HSV and I'll feel like a pariah.

[mr_hopp]

What you focus on becomes bigger. Herpes is a simple skin condition with a stigma when it comes down to it. See how much power you are giving it? Yes, there is a chance people will run with the stigma and not want to take a chance of getting it. And? The right person for you will see you and recognize you as just the person they want to be with, herpes or not. This is the nature of finding people to be with regardless. Everyone has something that is a dealbreaker for someone else. That's just how it's going to be. It can't be any other way. So stop thinking of what life would be as a comparison with the version of you who doesn't have herpes. That doesn't exist. What will you do right the eff NOW? ;) Everything else is just spinning your wheels and imagining a possible negative future that hasn't even happened yet (and probably won't)! Do you see what you're doing to yourself? Why do you insist on beating yourself up like this? Yes, herpes is something we deal with. But the physical symptoms are nothing compared to the suffering you inflict on yourself based on "what-ifs" ... Less self-judgment, more self-acceptance. Are you coming to the weekend seminar in January? It's going to be another epic, beautiful weekend where we cover all of this.

http://herpesopportunity.com

[Harlow]

You are absolutely right Adrial. I just have to keep reminding myself those things. I am trying to calculate the expenses but I just recently left my job. I really do want to go to the seminar. Thank you for your response it was very uplifting.

[Jess330]

I too felt like you. I'm a very family oriented individual and after the shock and then learning to accept my diagnosis of HSV 2 then I started questioning future relationships and the possibility of never having one or kids too. However while contemplating on relationships issues I asked my best guy friend on his opinion. He said it would shock him at first but he isn't the type to just look at that, he would like someone because of who they were and not what they did or didn't have. Surprisingly I felt comfortable enough to tell him that I had it and he has to this day been by my side and helped by giving me the strength and support I needed when I didn't have it for myself. Just a few weeks ago he confessed that he has feelings for me and well I feel the same way too. We aren't rushing into things but it really does prove to show that there are great guys out there that will love you for YOU! If that love is pure then I believe having a future with marriage and children is also possible. Besides don't we take a risk in alot of decisions we make? Why not with love and herpes too??

[Harlow]

Jess you described everything I am feeling at the moment. I am so happy for you that you have found someone understanding that sees you for the great person you are. Hearing your story does give me hope. If someone really loves you, they will look past stereotypes and stigmas and will do anything to be with you. I'm going to try to keep a positive attitude and trust that love will find me when I'm ready. Thanks for your response.

[EssieL]

Harlow, thank you so much for opening up! My heart aches for you, mostly because I know exactly how you're feeling. I was diagnosed at 21, and some of those same thoughts ran through my head. But like Adrial said, you're giving herpes sooo much more power than it deserves. I can't say I'm not guilty of the same thing sometimes ;) but I sincerely hope that you experience a change of heart. Don't waste your best years thinking that you won't find love.

 

Since my diagnosis, I have met more guys who accepted me than guys who didn't. I will admit that I have only had one relationship since my diagnosis 3 years ago (and it ended after only a few months); and then there were other hopefuls that didn't stick. At some point, I'm pretty sure that I blamed herpes. But one day it occurred to me that my relationship issues existed long before my diagnosis. And that's when I realized that your love life doesn't undergo a full transformation post-diagnosis. It's going to be exactly the way it has always been. Sure, realistically speaking, you'll run into some guys who aren't cool with it. But realistically speaking, you're going to run into guys who aren't cool with your hair or your clothes, or your taste in music, etc...

 

So, I guess my point is, if you have had great relationships so far- you're going to continue to have them...as long as you let yourself... Realize that herpes doesn't change who or what you deserve in life. You're still as awesome as you were the day before that visit to the doctor. And guys will continue to see that.

[shawn]

Harlow, I think its safe to say that at one point or another we have all felt the same way you do now. In fact I'm still feeling that way. I too am 21 and found out I have herpes less than a week ago. Honestly when I found out I had herpes I felt full of shame and depressed. Like I had done something wrong. Lol excuse me for having sex with my girlfriend. The more I read what adrial says about it and the more research I do, I've learned he's right. It's just a complex skin condition, nothing more. Harlow, I'm new at this too, but trust me it makes it easier to understand when you know what it is. My advice is to do your homework with a science point of view. Not the point of view that says how could this happen to me! And as I will, just keep up with these forums. We are all here and in the same boat and we all have our up days and down days. If we stick together this will get easier and we can rise above it. After all its only a fine detail that makes up our bodies. It's NOT who we are. :)

[Harlow]

Thanks EssieL and shawn for your responses. They're truly uplifting. I'm a work in progress and I'm going to keep working on having a positive attitude and hoping I'll find someone who loves me regardless of the H. I love these responses thanks so much.

[shawn]

These responses are why we are all here. Words of encouragement and reminders to hold our heads up high. Always remember nothing has changed who you are. If someone does not want to completely accept you for any reason. Then they don't deserve you in their life. Think about it like your a young mom. Kids are with you forever. If a fella comes along and can't accept the fact that you have kids, then that guy isn't worthy of your time and effort. It is NOT the other way around. Harlow, everything is going to fall into place and everything will be just fine.

[mr_hopp]

I'm loving all this discussion, and I'm noticing a theme of judging those people who wouldn't dare reject us. That they don't deserve to be in our lives if they can't handle herpes. I personally feel that everyone has free will to decide to be with anyone they want to be with for any reason. The opportunity here in whoever happens to reject us with herpes is allowing that to be okay and not throw judgment back to that person, to make them somehow wrong for being stigmatized or not open-minded enough to get that herpes is just a skin condition.

[shawn]

You're absolutely right Adrial. But wouldnt you agree that it shows a long term character trait in a person if they were to reject someone with H, without first taking the opportunity to educate themselves? Maybe I was thinking about this the wrong way. But it goes both ways. Before any of us contracted H, at some point we all said eww. Or made a comment about herpes. Now that we all have it, we have taken the time to educate ourselves about it. I must say, Id prefer my new self with my new look on my partner selection thought process, rather than my old self. What I mean is I would rather someone that would atleast take the time to learn about H and then make a more well informed decision. In the event the prospective partner still says no way, then hey atleast they showed good/mature character before they just prejudged.

[mr_hopp]

Yep, I'm right with you then. I just notice this tendency across the board (and in myself, too!), so just want to be aware of this tendency to shame the shamer. ;) There are still people out there who know all about herpes and still would choose to not take a chance of getting it from a perfectly awesome person (aka you and me). ;) AND there are still people who will react horribly with slimy shame-filled judgments. Regardless, I want to practice not having my reactions (even toward ignorance) be to shame anyone else. Inform them of my perspective that I see herpes as a stigmatized skin condition that's really not a big deal, but ultimately not hold anything against them for their personal choices. Yes, sometimes easier said than done, but also wanting to hold a high standard for all of us (including myself, of course). That's the only way that the stigma will change. When we all have so much self-acceptance and wholeness that no one else's judgment, choice and/or ignorance will ultimately change who we know ourselves to be.

[shawn]

Once again life has thrown the curve ball of relearning how to be the bigger person. So let's offer the information and not call them out on ignorance no matter what the response is. Adrial, I think I can speak for a lot of us on here when I say that I/we wish we could have known you personally before you contracted H. Whether you were the same person before you got H or not. You are one hell of a guy :). Your thought process is unsurpassed. So far every time I have read one of your responses, I look at this whole thing a little bit different. A little better. So thank you bro for the kind words of wisdom and the upbeat positive attitude!

[mr_hopp]

Aw, thanks for the kind words, Shawn! Warms me right up. Hey, I'm doing my best, just like everyone else on this site. Glad to hear that it's helping.

 

And hey, check this synchronicity out ... A friend of mine just posted this on her Facebook wall just 9 minutes ago. Sums this whole conversation right up. Wow.

http://sphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/556299_557364734288958_1364264965_n.png

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

I was thinking of a quote reading this...

 

Pain is the great teacher of mankind. Beneath its breath souls develop. -Marie von Ebner

 

Herpes gives us an opportunity to grow. (hence Adrial's name for this community) I doubt a single one of us would refuse the offer to lose the herpes in exchange for these soul-altering life lessons, but here we are. :) In other words, if pain is a teacher, this isn't the class we would choose.

 

It is not easy, but maybe along with the wisdom we've gained through our pain, we need to cultivate compassion in equal amounts. Like I said...not easy, but healthy I think.

 

hugs all around,

Kristin

aka breatheandletgo