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Need to disclose to someone - long distance

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Hi all,


I just wanted some opinions on when you think I should disclose on this particular occasion.


I met a guy in the US back in May (I am in UK and he is a friend of my best friend) we have been talking since, and arranged for me to go to see him in November - and to stay with him. I do really like him, he is a really cool guy I'm not so worried to have the actual conversation - but just don't know whether I should be telling him before I go, or if it is best face to face.


It is just a trip where we are going to have a good time and explore the city and surrounding areas together - but I know we both fancy the hell out of eachother, so I guess we would both want it to happen.


But for me - if we don't have sex, it's not a big deal - When do you think I should tell him?

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Hello and Welcome!


There is no "right " time to tell someone...as long as it's before you have sex ;)


The right time is when it feels right to YOU ... when you feel you can trust him enough with this personal thing that you may not want his friend to know. (Unless you are out, like me, in which case it wouldn't matter ;) ) .


My gut here says wait until a week or so before you go over to decide if you will tell him before you arrive or not ... see where your conversations continue to go. If it feels like he's really revved up about jumping into bed with you as soon as you arrive, you may want to have a Skype conversation with him (closest you will get to face to face) to give him time to consider his options. You can give him our links here (I'll put a few below for easy access for you) so he can get some solid info (tell him to stay off Google because there are a lot of flaming idiots out there who will convince you you can get H from a toilet seat and you will burst out in horrible boils all over your body :p ) and if he needs more (accurate) info from other sources, I can get you plenty of trusted links to send him like the CDC and Westover Heights Clinic.


My experience with this kind of thing is he is probably at least hoping, if not EXPECTING that there will be sex involved, especially as you seem to already like each other. So you really want to make sure that things are really CLEAR about where YOU are at with this (ie, YOU are ok with not having sex) because if you arrive and tell him and then he decides to not get intimate, well, it could get a little awkward and you don't want that to happen given all the money/time/etc you are putting into this trip ;)


Given you are in the UK I assume you can't get the anti-virals so he would need to know his risks with condoms alone ... unless you can get some right before you leave by telling a little fib that you are having ongoing OB's for the last 6 months and hope they don't ask to see them in order to give you the meds :/


Check these links out - they will help you to figure what is right for you and you will have the info to give him when you decide it's time





http://herpeslife.com/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy/ (if he says you guys can be intimate but not have sex ;) )


Handouts + disclosure e-book: for him





For you


When to have the H talk Adrial


For him


Herpes facts video




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Hi WSDancer,


Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, I found it very helpful :)


My gut feeling, is to tell him when I get there. Our conversations are none of the sort of that, we really are just still getting to know eachother, and excited to see eachother, and yes i'm sure he is hoping, but I wouldn't say expecting sex.


It's great that you are able to provide me with authentic American websites, as although I know of the ones here, he might not be happy with those ones - and yes I've read a load of rubbish myself via Google!


I can get anti-virals in the UK! Pretty easily, I can even say I would like them as I'm going on holiday and would like to prevent an outbreak and they will give them.


Thank you again for the advice, links & videos - all very helpful and I feel reassured about what I am going to do. xx

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Really? Maybe I am very lucky with my doctor.


I had an incident, where I was desperate for anti-virals as I was having a painful OB and wanted to prevent it getting worse - and she wanted to see them, and she told me she couldn't see anything, I told her to look properly - it was a very frustrating experience - I think I know my body! My regular Dr - not a problem at all.


I get about 2 OB a year, so I personally don't think that's too bad, maybe the Dr's do? But my advice would be to just lie to them and say you get regular outbreaks. Lord knows why it's hard to get them, we have to pay for them! (working class people).


Can I ask how much you have to pay for anti-virals out there? Here, a prescription is £8.20 / $13.20

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