My Herpes Story: My boyfriend didn't tell me he had herpes when he gave me herpes

[Pepper471]

Even though I am new to this site I have actually had herpes for almost 6 years now, but have really never told anyone my story. Now that I am recently single I have that dread of dating again and think about my condition constantly now. I am hoping that by getting this out there I won’t be thinking about it 24/7 anymore.

 

I was diagnosed in college while I was applying to grad school. I had been in a committed relationship for over a year with my now ex. I was devastated when I found out and was afraid that my “awesome” boyfriend would leave me when I told him. The next time I saw him I blurted out that I had herpes and started crying uncontrollably repeatedly saying that I had not cheated on him. It never crossed my mind at that time that he could be the one who gave it to me. He took the news extremely well and barely asked me any questions. Being overwhelmed with applying to grad school and having to move away, I never pressed for him to get checked or asked him if he even had herpes. I look back now and realize I was just so relieved he didn’t leave me I didn’t look for more answers and just assumed that I had acquired it from a previous partner.

 

Flash forward to 5 years into our relationship when I happened to find a prescription bottle hidden in his gym bag with the name of the medication ripped off. Since I am a pharmacist I immediately had to investigate into this mysterious medication he was hiding. To my astonishment, it was acyclovir…the worst part was that the prescription bottle had been filled one month prior to my first outbreak. I now knew – my ex had known he had had herpes but didn’t tell me. I was pretty hurt, but at the same time I almost understood. I let it slide and never brought it up. I thought "what good would it do?" I already had it. Knowing who gave it to me wasn’t going to change anything, right?

 

Wrong. I should have asked then and there and got everything out in the open, because I would have found out sooner that he was very good at hiding things. In the end, it was his hiding of where he was, who he was with and what he was doing that ultimately ended our relationship. Our breakup had nothing to do with him not disclosing herpes to me but the fact that he was so untrustworthy and disrespectful in many other ways to me. I look back now and think maybe I could have realized sooner that my ex had problems “hiding” things on me and lying by just asking him if he had herpes and if he would get checked.

 

Well, now I am single after 6.5 years of a tiresome relationship and am realizing I need some help dealing with dating again. I never much had to think of herpes because I haven’t had an episode in almost 4 years and was in a relationship. I recently tried to tell this guy I had been seeing for about 3 weeks and managed to do everything you are not suppose to do, but that was before I read up on how to have the talk. The boy quickly decided I was not for him, which was a good thing since we would not have lasted long even if I did not have herpes. I am hoping that this site will help me not become consumed in worrying about my condition because lately it has been all I have been thinking about it….

[mr_hopp]

I feel for you, Pepper. I'm sorry that your boyfriend was so distrustful. I'm super pissed off whenever someone does something so unconscious and pitiful. And in the same breath, I feel like I understand where that comes from. I've felt that before myself. For me, it comes from denial and fear. I imagine his dishonesty stems from his deep insecurities and fear of rejection. Denial keeps the potential for rejection away. So ultimately all of that eventually comes out by his actions hurting others. Either you take the high road or the low road. Either direction has potential pain associated with it. And potential bliss. And that goes for everything in life, herpes or not. I choose to be on the high road so I stay in my integrity.

 

This is one of the main reasons I believe there is such a negative stigma out there about herpes. People are so scared to "admit" they have it that it gets spread around through deceit, lies, fear and shame. Herpes comes to represent all those negative aspects of humanity. But if we relate to having herpes in a more positive, non-victimy way, we will ultimately change the stigma. I'm glad you ultimately got out of that relationship, Pepper. It sounds like being single is better than being in such a relationship that doesn't serve your heart. You don't deserve to be lied to and mistreated like that.

 

And your story goes right along with herpes being a damn good filter for the kinds of people you want and don't want in your life. Someone who lies like that about having herpes will most likely lie about other things that are difficult to talk about. Good news is, something tells me that even though he treated you like this, your integrity won't allow you to lie about having herpes to someone else. You know how that feels to be on the receiving end of such deceit. It ultimately feels better to who you are deep down to take the high road. Your integrity in telling others will have the right man recognize your courage and strength in disclosing about herpes. That will be the right kind of man for you. All other men who would reject you because of a skin rash won't be the kind of men for you.

 

And I hear that this is painful for you now. And pain is a transient feeling. Take care of yourself through this time, offer yourself kind words and self-acceptance. This too shall pass. Much love, Pepper. Please keep us in the loop with how you're doing. And reach out for some (h) buddies, too! So many people ready to support you if you want it!

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/223/need-someone-to-talk-to-herpes-buddies/p1

[Pepper471]

Thanks! I am really glad to have found this site, as I have never discussed this with anyone (yes for 6 years). I think this will be good for me. And I know that I could never not disclose my status to anyone I was to be intimate with, it would eat me up inside!