Moment of drunken weakness.

[GreenEyes87]

I slept with a guy I've known for a few years while highly intoxicated. I don't even remember the event, we had sex after we attended a wedding. I'm HSV-2 positive and now have to have a post intimacy disclosure which I have never done and will never ever have to do again. That is not the person I am. Since I joined H Life I have had three successful disclosures so I didn't do it out of fear, I did it out of booze and hormones and literally didn't think. How should I approach this with him? I feel awful. I was infected due to non disclosure and I am not that kind of person! I'm so ashamed of myself!

[willow]

First just gotta say, at least u feel guilty and want to do right. Alot of ppl out there usually dont feelguilt.

Personally, i would aproach this by phoning him. And tell him that u need to talk about something important, and if he has a couple mins he can lend u to explain. Express just how drunk u were, and how easy it was to forget details before jumpin into the no pants party. Details like stds, now hopefully being a guy that uve know for some time now, he wont jumo into the freak out mode so make sure u let him express however he takes it even if he interupts u, then u can go into saying uve known u had the herpes virus, and it hasnt been an issue for u for quite sometime so it was easy to forget to express u even had it. Make sure to apollogize for not disclosing to him. And ask him to get a blood test in a cpl months just so he knows. Remember there is only a 4% chance of spreading the virus. And if u used a condom its about 2% anf if u r on suppresives its almost about 1% chance. So he may not have to worry, but a blood test should be accirate after 3 months ish. Let him ask questions if he has any.

 

Hope this helps?!?! This just my opinion...

[willow]

Sorry for typos im on my phone!

[seeker]

be honest first and foremost. im guessing there isn't any chance for a long term relationship and this was solely a one night stand? were you on suppressives, did you use protection? alcohol can blur our thinking add loneliness and......

if you don't remember the event, how much did you drink and could you have been slipped something? I ask because ive drank a fair amount in my life, amongst other things and have no times that I cant remember some part, though I may want to forget.

 

arm yourself with lots and I mean lots of information. it could be that even without you being on suppressive nor using protection that he didn't get it.

 

 

[GreenEyes87]

I would like there to be long term potential, I don't do the one night stand thing, especially since being diagnosed. There were latent feelings there for a while I think. I'm on suppressive meds but a condom was apparently not used, which is both of our faults. He's in the army and is being stationed over seas shortly so it's already difficult. I know the risk of transmission is lower, especially since I haven't had an OB in almost two years but the fact he didn't wrap it up makes me nervous and rightly so.

[GreenEyes87]

And no, I earned my black out on my own. I don't drink often but I got carried away along with everyone else. He was far more sober than me but I function well when intoxicated so he probably didn't realize how smashed I really was.

[WCSDancer2010]

@GreenEyes87

 

First - I applaud you for wanting to clean this up. I've done a similar thing once (right before I learned about asymptomatic shedding) and I remember the fear of what *might* have happened.

 

While you need to talk to him (and I'll get to that in a moment) I just want to put it out there that HE didn't have an STD talk with you and so he is just as much to "blame" in a way ... because you don't know what he may have given YOU. While we H+ people largely try to take it upon ourselves to "do the right thing", these moments happen (ESPECIALLY where alcohol is involved) and we make large errors of judgment ...but if he was THAT sober then he carries a definite part in the responsibility here ;)

 

I would approach it that you have something you need to talk about, and meet with him. You will need to tell him of your status and explain that you are on the anti-virals so his risk is about 2.5% or less.... and that you normally would have told him but you were not really in a capacity to act responsibly, and that you ask his forgiveness for YOUR part. Ask him if he has been tested for ALL STD's (and make sure he knows that H isn't in the panel) because you need to know what YOUR risks may be too ... (I'd still get tested for everything in 3-4 months to be safe). Print out the handout and give it to him if you feel he'd appreciate the info. And then see where the chips fall....

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

(((HUGS)))

[GreenEyes87]

@WCSDancer2010.

 

I agree we were both accountable on some level. There was a large degree of irresponsibility on both of our parts. I plan to meet with him and discuss it face to face as he deserves that much. In the meantime, I am also taking steps to prevent pregnancy because that is also obviously a risk, and a larger one that me actually transmitting. I am actually quite confident that he will not contract it but he deserves the heads up so he can keep an eye on his body. I'm also upset because I know this will read as a clear violation of trust and I really do like this man quite a lot. Of course, he will be stationed for three years so I don't know how well that would have worked anyway. I just need to get my words straight in my head.

[WCSDancer2010]

Yes - pregnancy is a sexually transmitted condition ... so I'm glad you are doing what you need to around that. Keep reading the other success stories ... there are others who were in the same situation as you ... so you may find some nuggets in their stories that will help you.

 

Keep us posted!

 

(((HUGS)))

[GreenEyes87]

He's coming home the day after tomorrow and I want to sit him down. I'm dying to tell him but won't do it over text or on the phone. I feel this warrants a face to face conversation. The hardest part is that he's talking to me like I walk on water and I know that I've made this mistake. But I won't disclose to him in an impersonal way to ease my own guilt, that's selfish. So I wait, but also dread a text or call asking if I have anything because he's showing symptoms.

[WCSDancer2010]

Good for you for doing Face to Face - you are right, it's the right thing to do. .... and you can connect with him better ... seeing the person helps you both to see how deeply the other one feels so that you can connect with the heart first, and then sit him down to talk to him.

 

Again, remember tell him the truth ... how you got it and what it means to live with it. Give him space to think about it if necessary. Give him the handouts from here and tell him he can come on here if he needs info...

 

(((HUGS)))

[GreenEyes87]

So he flew in today and we went out to dinner. And for the whole night I didn't think I could do it. Then we went for a walk on the beach and had long talks about our lives, things we knew and didn't know about each other. I kept apologizing for that night and finally sat him down and explained why. I told him that I'm positive for HSV, explained that I am asymptomatic at this time and that I am on medication to suppress it. He asked what it was and I explained it was the virus that causes herpes. His response..."doesn't everyone have that?" I explained that it was very common and that most people who have it don't know it but that it's no different than cold sores. He asked some questions, I dropped some stats. I said I would never guarantee that there isn't risk but that when approached correctly it's low and that I'm grateful I'm aware of it so I can look after my health and the health of my partner. I apologized for my part in the careless behavior and let him know that it should not happen that way again. He asked how you make a long term relationship work with that and I explained it's all about knowing your body and being responsible and communicating. And that healthy relationships are possible. His final response was, "ok" and "I trust you." The rest of the evening was lovely and I can finally sleep at night.

[willow]

Aww! What an amazing response! Im so happy for u! Glad the talk went so well!

[seeker]

woot! good for you kiddo!

[GreenEyes87]

I was very very relieved. Now the only obstacle to jump over is the three years over seas lol.

[WCSDancer2010]

YAY!!! So Awesome! Grinning from ear to ear over here for you :)

[GreenEyes87]

Thank you everyone!

[Confused]

Another good ending. I did this many months ago... the guilt and shame of not disclosing was the worst. I told him and whilst our long distance is proving difficult, his reaction was very similar. As we are open to dating other people, I have since told 4 other people ... straight up ... at a bar or on a second date and I'm pleased to say that I've never had the reaction that (in my head) I thought I was going to get. In fact, the worst reaction was someone who replied to my "I have to tell you something" and he said jokingly, "Don't tell me you have herpes!" ... to which I replied "Well yes".

He knew nothing about it, we openly talked and I'm so proud that I have actually educated someone on herpes. He actually text me the other day (after our second date) to say he was reading about herpes on the net. I quickly sent him constructive links and I'm glad to have made a difference to our herpes world. Taking out the shame. Person by person.

Well done GreenEyes87. It was brave. I know. We all know. xx

[WCSDancer2010]

WOW! So glad to have you out there @Confused taking a shameless stand against the stigma AND consequently realizing how much of the stigma was in your head!!!

 

One step. One conversation. One person at a time. We can beat this ;)

[GreenEyes87]

@Confused

Great job! And thank you!

 

I don't mind sharing that we have continued to have an intimate relationship and it is so much more enjoyable knowing that everything is on the table...and when you can remember it...LOL

[Taylor01]

Such a nice success story! I'm glad everything worked out