The Lie Hurts Worse than the Disease

[brokenbuthealed]

Hello,

I just recently joined this forum. I didn't know such a thing existed and I am happy I found it. I want to give a short snippet of my story because it needs to come out. God is helping me get through a REALLY tough time in my life. I am fresh out of a relationship that lasted over a year and not only did it end abruptly and badly, but I was left with HSV-2 and my partner lied to me for over a year about having the disease.

 

We were seeing one another, but not exclusively dating. We had a sexual relationship, but in the beginning it was rocky as he kept flaking on having sex (Now I feel I know why) anyways after we intially started it was protection EVERY single time (per his request) until one night during sex he removed the condom and since then my life has never been the same.

 

I visited the doctors office after having intense pains the weekend following this occurence. He was the only man I was sexually active with when this happened. Upon confrontation, he assured me he had been tested for HSV-2 which I contested after being told that doctors rarely if ever test for this unless a patient has an outbreak or specifically request it. I was ashamed, embarrased, and in pain upon finding out and couldn't speak about it. I couldn't even tell him. He promised he would go get tested and that was that.

 

Well time passed and ALOT of it and I never seen the results or heard him say anything about it. I begin to question myself and wonder was I crazy. I felt dirty and used and like only he COULD or WOULD love me past my disease. I was wrong.

 

God has loved me and my family has loved me beyond any "love" he ever showed.

 

I finally confronted him about the results of the test he said he had done almost a year ago. I was met with much resistance. He became very emotional and defensive through messages and still loving him and believing he loved me continued to hold out hope that he wouldn't do that to me. My close loved ones believed the inevitable that he knew all along, but I refused to let myself believe that. That was until the lies started pouring in.

 

He alleged that he couldn't get me the results because his doctor had to get them for him and he needed an appointment. Mind you he supposedly got tested at the same clinic as me so I did my due diligence in dissecting the allegations. You would have guessed it, there was no need for a doctor or an appointment. The truly sad part was the lady I spoke with in medical records said that all one had to do was call in, get a form faxed to them, and then put the information of the person they wanted them to be released too. She then went on to say that if that wasn't possible then they would just have to come in and sign a form. After she and I hung up, I sat there feeling crazy for even believing what I should have known to be a lie, BUT they kept coming.

 

I started to have emotional breakdowns after my new revelation and I reached out to him (in vain) and in tears because I seriously felt like I couldn't wake up from a living nightmare. He continued his lies after I texted him from work one day calling him out. He told me that they gave him different instructions and that he would check on it. I didn't hear back from him and I lost it. His final lie came in the form of a promised email. I called the clinic and the lady informed me that they don't send emails concerning records.

 

My last to do was to go pick up my 60 capsule bottle of acyclovir and on my way in I met with the lady from medical records who at hearing my voice begin to shake her head from side to side saying, "no". When I inquired why she was doing that she said...

 

"You've called me a few times and I recognize your voice. He hasn't sent any records or even called us about them." She looked as if she felt sorry for me and that changed how I felt about so much. I've never seen that look in a strangers eyes. I got my medicene and left.

 

He has yet to contact me or to send any form of records my way. God's answers are wiser than our prayers. Here I was looking for tangible hardcore evidence in the form of results on paper and what I got was AVOIDANCE, DRAMATICS, and ultimately LIES. My answer came in the form of silence which gave consent to his guilt. Either there were no results or they were positive. That part doesn't even matter to me anymore.

 

I have a long road of healing both physically and mentally ahead of me, but I'll be traveling with God every step of the way. It has been hard, but I needed to write what I was feeling to be able to see what pain looks like.

 

I'm broken, but I'm healed.

[WCSDancer2010]

@brokenbuthealed

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

I can hear your frustration and I am glad that you sound like you are moving forward and away from your connection to him. I just want to offer one thing: Odds are the reason for his reaction is that he has bought hook, line, and sinker into the stigma surrounding Herpes and very likely has a lot of guilt around this (which is likely why he is finding all sorts of ways to avoid getting his results to you ... to get the results would be admittance of guilt). It doesn't change anything but I hope that realizing that will help you to let go of the upset you are having about his behavior.

 

 

on my way in I met with the lady from medical records who at hearing my voice begin to shake her head from side to side saying, "no". When I inquired why she was doing that she said...

 

"You've called me a few times and I recognize your voice. He hasn't sent any records or even called us about them." ,/i>

 

Well I have to say that is a huge breach of HIPPA regulations ... very unprofessional for that person to even admit he was tested there, never mind discussing the details around his records.... :(

 

(((HUGS)))

[brokenbuthealed]

@WCSDancer2010 thank you for responding. I'm sure his admittance would make him guilty, but in my world you don't keep things like that hidden on the count of looking "guilty". Love hides a multitude of faults and I can't appreciate much right now but the truth.

 

As far as the lady. She only told me he hadn't called to release any records. I already had the foreknowledge of him being tested there because he told me prior.

 

I receive your hugs. I just needed to get the story out this one time. It has affected me so much.

[willow]

Wow what a sad and frustrating time!! More hugs to you!!!

[willow]

Good for u for ommiting him from your life, that type of ignorance is deffinatly something u dont need!

i hope your travels through healing are inspiring!

[WCSDancer2010]

Just for your knowledge, (and especially with something as sensitive as STD's ... but the HIPPA law is technically the same even for me as a Massage Therapist) we are not meant to even acknowledge that we have a certain client, never mind *any* details of their information even if we know that a "friend" may know about their issue.

 

And you are right about how we would *like* someone to behave, but humans are complex creatures and we are very capable of convincing ourselves to do things that we know are not necessarily in integrity or "right" when fear and insecurities are triggered :(

[domh21]

Dear brokenbuthealed wow! you're story is a lot like mine almost. You got your answer the same way i did. Well welcome!!

 

I am happy to read how much you have leaned on God, he will get you through and love you like no other. It is great to hear how much you realized how loved you are. You are amazing and so loved. You are coming out of this so much stronger already.

 

It only gets better. I'm coming up on two years and my life with H has only gotten better. that H to me means Happiness, Healing, Heart...you are a beautiful person. I get that from you already. Glad you have joined and glad I logged on today. I haven't logged on in awhile. Hugs

[brokenbuthealed]

@willow thank you. I had to omit him it just all hurts too bad. Thank you for speaking life into my healing. You have no idea how much it's needed right now.

 

[brokenbuthealed]

@WCSDancer2010 yeah the fear and insecurities thing is on point. I just learned from this not to expect others to do what you would. Biggest let down ever. Integrity is not instinctive.

[brokenbuthealed]

@domh21 thank you uberly for the Internet affection! I read your message at work and smiled! I don't smile at words often only when I read certain scriptures or things just really special so thanks for the chance to smile. Yes God will love us like none other. I honestly don't see how anyone can get through something so heavy as this without His reassurance. I needed to hear that it only gets better. I'll take the H to mean healing because I'm definitely in that phase! You're beautiful just for responding and I'm happy you logged in as well. I needed some love today. Thank you.

[WCSDancer2010]

Integrity is not instinctive.

 

No it's not. It's a muscle that has to be built and flexed a LOT or it gets weak and is easily overpowered by our instinctive need to SURVIVE ... which comes from living in fear. It's easier and more comfortable for most people to live from a place of fear because then they can be "doing" things to protect themselves. But in the end, they live small, sad lives wondering why they can't find love and blaming everything and everyone for their unhappiness.

 

Integrity is a choice that we have to make ... we have to choose to flex that muscle even though we know it may be hard, it may hurt, and it may suck in the moment because of how others will react to it. But in the end, when we build it up and can stand squarely in OUR truth and with respect to ourselves and others, ultimately the painful moments are fewer and farther between because we are not compromising ourselves or putting others at risk.

 

(((HUGS)))

[brokenbuthealed]

@WCSDancer2010 yes in the end it's not beneficial which is why I must tell a man I'm serious enough to be sexually involved with about the HSV-2. I'd rather be up front and hurt than to hurt someone like I'm hurting now.

[WCSDancer2010]

Good for you! Believe it or not, learning how to push through the uncomfortableness of the disclosure can be incredibly empowering.

 

Before you do, read all the success stories you can on here (I'll link to a couple of my favorites below), as well as the Wingman links and Disclosure links I'll provide below. And come here for any support you need when you are ready.

 

It may be hard to believe, but I read every post and I can tell you the success stories FAR outnumber the failures. One amazing revelation that came out this weekend at the Herpes Opportunity weekend was that we live that the word "Disclosure" sounds like a contract ... "If we continue you will get all these wonderful things about me BUT (insert fine print) I have herpes" making it FEEL like disclosure is something that has a negative energy around it. But if we approach it that Disclosure is about CREATING RELATIONSHIP that is founded on TRANSPARENCY and HONESTY , it has a whole new feeling to it. Powerful stuff ;)

 

((HUGS)))

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book: (you can have a copy of the handout for him to take with him afterwards so he has a good resource to come to. Tell him to stay off Google!)

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

Success Stories

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said-thisisgoingtobeok

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3736/disclosed-to-the-guy-i-like-on-the-first-meeting Helzbelz88

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3744/its-just-a-thing- dudereally

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3337/i-did-it-and-i-am-ok- Murbs

 

Disclosure Blogs

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

 

 

When to have the H talk Adrial

 

 

[brokenbuthealed]

Thank you sooo much @WCSDancer2010 I really needed the resources. I'm not dating anytime soon but I'll be sure to check it out when I start. God Bless.