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Its been 4 years.


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So its been 4 years since I found out I have herpes. My ex cheated on me in 2010 and contracted it then gave it to me. I haf no idea she cheated on me but years later in 2013 she left me for that same guy. Now I am lost I have posted on here a long time ago I thank those that responded. I have tried to tell myself it will be ok and my family has reassured me that I will be fine and will find someone who will love me for who I am and wont judge me for what I have. I have turned down many women because of my disease and I dont see any change in that. I wont allow myself to be with anyone because I cant live the rest of my life with someone knowing that I may infect them. How am I supposed to find intimacy in that? There is a girl that really likes me and knows about my condition and tells me all the time she's ok with it but I wont let her get close to me because I dont want to hurt her. I dont know what else to say but I am sorry if I seem so down I have been for over a year now and I dont see it getting any better.

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stop being so hard on yourself for one thing. dating can and does happen. you can see where it would go without sex for a while. maybe just dating will open you up. if she is willing to "put herself at risk" for you, then brother take the chance cause if you don't give me her number. :)

 

it sounds to me like you ,may still be processing the hurt from being cheated on and dumped and given herpes to boot. holding on to it doesn't help, it doesn't affect the other person. moving on and living a good life is the best revenge

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Appreciate your response yes I still hurt because of what they did to me yes I wish they would suffer for the rest of their lives but in all honesty I have decided to abstain from sex because of this. I dont wish this on anyone and if I were to get involved with someone it would be inevitable that they too would get it and I couldn't do that to someone I care about. I wish the sky wasn't blue I wish water wasn't wet and I wish that I had never met my ex.

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Well shit, if thats how its supposed to be, id have to dump my amazing h- bf, and find a std dating site that also includes people with anxiety issues and i.b.s and celiac disease....

 

Pffft ! Comon man! it will happen! You will find that person who greats u with a smile and a kiss every morning. Who will care about u, not what u have. U know what else u have that could be passed on from sex? I mean aside from hsv? ....

Compassion, love, romance, kindness, intuition.... shall i go on?

 

Right now u have maybe an 8% chance of passing this virus to a female. If u use antivirals as a suppresive... ur now about a 4% transmission rate... and if u use condoms.. maybe 2% ish.

u know its almost a 2% risk of dying in ur car every year... but im sure u do that!

 

Dont be so hard on yourself! Chin up!!!

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I thank you for your response and am glad that you have an amazing person in your life. I wish I could say the same but I can't. For me I will have to continue turning down women and pushing people away. I will be alone yes but if I am alone I cant hurt anyone. It sucks but that's the way it has to be for me. I didn't have much to offer before this disease but now I know I have nothing to offer. 4%-8% chance is to great for me to risk or for me to ask someone else to risk. God why did this happen I have nothing to live for.

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Foreverloneliness,

 

I feel protective over you. Over your aching heart most of all. It feels like you have a bully inside of you constantly kicking your own ass and feeding you horrible things about yourself that you're believing. I feel protective over that part of you who wants that relationship. But first you gotta work on your relationship with this bully inside of you, and ultimately the relationship with yourself.

 

Blog article on the bouncer in your head:

http://herpeslife.com/the-bouncer-in-your-head/

 

Now three more super important things for you to get about this ...

 

One: The victim mentality is a choice. You're doing a damn good job convincing yourself that the lonely way is the only way. And you can find plenty of people out there to agree with you on that. And you can find plenty of people who live their lives responsibly and openly who don't allow this to hold them back. The decision is yours. We can't force you to choose one way or the other. We can just show you options and you ultimately choose for yourself.

 

Blog article on victim mentality:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-and-the-victim-mentality

 

Two: The words you use are powerful. They shape your experience of your life. Your screen name you chose is a jail cell for you. You are officially identifying with being lonely forever. As long as you are defining yourself by those standards, no other viewpoint will be able to squeeze its way in. The beliefs you are clinging to so tightly will ultimately lead to the demise of your own heart if you don't snap to and realize you're in the drivers seat here. Wake up. Or not. It's your choice.

 

Blog article on the power of words:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-wordplay-the-power-of-words/

 

Three: You wouldn't be on these forums if you had already given up. The part of you that keeps coming to these forums is the part of you that has hope for a shift to come. The part of you that's open for different possibilities to be true. Embrace that and not these negative illusions about what you've imagined herpes is going to mean about you and your life.

 

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." Our boy Henry Ford told us that. And he knows what's up.

 

I hope you choose to take care of yourself. I hope you choose love. First of yourself. Then to let it in from the outside world. Herpes is only a jail cell if you make it.

 

Listen to my interview here. It just came out.

http://authenticmanprogram.com/adrial-dale-getting-real-with-herpes/

 

... and while you're at it, definitely check out this video on herpes facts:

 

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@foreverloneliness

 

I wont allow myself to be with anyone because I cant live the rest of my life with someone knowing that I may infect them.

 

I dont wish this on anyone and if I were to get involved with someone it would be inevitable that they too would get it and I couldn't do that to someone I care about.

 

I'm with Adrial - I just want to scoop you up and give you a great big hug and tell you that it will be alright . ..

 

So - for one thing - don't believe everything you think. It's NOT inevitable that you will give it to someone. We have several discordant (one h+, one h-) partners on here who have never passed it on to the other ... some with 20+ year relationships. I hope they will chime in so you can see that you CAN have a relationship and not pass it on.

 

I didn't have much to offer before this disease but now I know I have nothing to offer.

 

Well, SOMEONE obviously doesn't agree with this

 

There is a girl that really likes me and knows about my condition and tells me all the time she's ok with it but I wont let her get close to me because I dont want to hurt her.

 

You have a woman who thinks enough of you that she is willing to take the "risk" of being with you. She is an adult and it's not fair for you to make that choice for her if that is the only thing that is holding you back. Imagine the feelings of rejection she is feeling because you won't allow yourself to let her in. Just try dating her, go REAL slow. Give it a chance. There is a HUGE difference in the experience of getting H from someone who has betrayed you and going into a relationship with the intention to be responsible around it. The VAST majority of people who get H get it from someone who either didn't know they had it, or (like you) were betrayed by the actions of their partner.

 

And friend, ALL of life assumes risk. You have a 2% risk of DYING in a car accident (the numbers are FAR higher for being injured/maimed) yet you not only get out there and drive every day, I'm sure you have driven many people around, thus putting THEIR lives at risk. So why is this any different? Check this link out for more info:

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/driving-yourself-crazy/

 

Don't deny this young lady from the opportunity to get to know you. Tell her you need to go REAL slow. Just be friends for now. Date and take your time. And read this Success Story of another guy on here who was EXACTLY where you are not that long ago. ;)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night

 

One last thing - PLEASE get some counseling. Herpes acts as a magnifying glass on insecurities and negative beliefs that we already had before diagnosis. I'm guessing that you have had self limiting beliefs for MUCH longer than you've had Herpes...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

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