To date POS only? Or NOT to date POS only?

[NeverDanced]

I hope this post doesn't offend anyone... but the need to understand the logic behind this scenario is important to me. A gal posted a question about "good" dating sites for H POS men, and someone replied saying that she's limiting her options by taking NEG men out of the equation.

 

But... isn't that the logical, and responsible, thing to do?

 

Now, I'm only 5 days into the news of my diagnosis, but I have to say the 30th or so thing that popped into my head was, "I hope I meet a nice, cute girl in the POS community one day". The first thing was thank God I don't have HIV or HEP (My panel contained 8 tests). You can definitely argue that the responsible thing to do is "have the talk" with someone before sex happens, but I think having them date you, invest time, money (assuming you do/don't go Dutch), and possibly develop a connection with you, knowing full well that you have a transmittable disease, is an unfair thing to do in my eyes. I would certainly feel like I was building a girl up... just to drop her on her head. Also, wouldn't you be putting that person in a very awkward situation? If they say yes... they're exposing themselves to the possibility of an incurable disease. If they say no... they might feel they're being mean.

 

Regards,

ND

[willow]

When i was diagnosed in jan, i thought the same thing.

 

I almost went on a pos site, but then i realized something, i hate computers, ive never dated online, and why the hell should i pay for an online dating service? I like to meet men the old fasion way, at a bar, playing pool, and asking em if they want to go fishing.

and thats exactly how i met my now bf (dating since june) whos h-.

And he actually asked me if i wanted to go fishing! We clicked so fast that mext day that I told him the second time we hung out, and then i started suppresive therapy with vatrex.

 

But maybe @WSCDancer2010 could help put this in beter perspective for u..

[mr_hopp]

It's up to you ultimately.

 

Herpes-only dating:

 

Pro: Keeps you from having the herpes talk.

Con: It cuts out about 95% of the dating pool. (This is pretty much immediately pre-rejecting yourself from all of the potential people who might actually be offended if they knew you weren't giving them a chance to even accept that you have herpes.) ;)

 

Everyone dating:

Pro: You get 100% of the dating pool.

Con: You'll need to do some self-work around wholeness and shame resiliency in order to have the herpes talk.

 

Here's an article on the subject:

http://herpeslife.com/do-i-have-to-join-those-herpes-dating-sites/

 

And I wrote a free e-book that gets into the herpes talk and how to have it in such a way that it can be a connector instead of a dealbreaker:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

[WCSDancer2010]

Adrial hit the facts about the STD dating sites (only about 4-5% of all people on dating sites will be on the STD sites ... so you are playing in a paddling pool rather than enjoying the whole Olympic sized pool ;)

 

So try on the point of view that Herpes is just another deal breaker. Say that you are dating a girl and you want to have a family. And you get through several dates, and she confides in you that she has this thing that she has no control over ... she can't have kids. And you decide that she's just not a good match and it's nothing to do with "her". Its the same thing as when someone decides they don't want to risk getting Herpes. It's a CHOICE, nothing else ;)

 

As for the "responsible" thing to do... do you drive friends in your car? Because there's a 2% chance of dying in a car accident .. if you add injury/accident the numbers go up a whole lot. So do you tell them "No, you can't ride with me because we *might* had an accident and you *might* get hurt or killed"? I doubt it. There are many things we do that might affect those around us. But we give them the choice and they take it or not.... and we (hopefully) are as responsible around them when driving as we would be with Herpes.

 

Check this blog out for a little reality check .... ;)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/driving-yourself-crazy/

 

(((HUGS)))

[aimee]

NeverDanced:

 

Those were my thoughts exactly when I was diagnosed in Oct 2012 with HSV2, so I signed up with maybe 3? 4? H+ dating sites and thought why not... then I would never have to disclose...right?

Now take into consideration I live in a city of 1.2M people, yes you read that correctly, between all of the sites (i signed up on) I think there were maybe 30ish ppl in my city? None of which I was attracted to...wth?? I seriously can not even find an H+ support group in this city, never mind find someone H+ to date?

 

Fast forward 2 yrs later I've disclosed twice. The 1st time I was rejected but he was quite a bit younger and I didn't think it was going to work anyway so no biggie! The 2nd discloser was a success and resulted in a 6mth relationship, it ended because of other reasons but he was tested and is still H-

I met someone a couple of mths ago and was almost ready to disclose after knowing him for about a mth...

Then something amazing happened his true colors started showing and then that ended abruptly.

So if you can find someone that you have "chemistry" with and is H+

I'm sure that would be the "logical" solution?

 

I can't seem to find 1 H+ person in a city of 1.2 million people so I've been taking my chances on the "non pos" dating sites and I can say its been working out not badly as I am seeing people's true colors....some not pretty.

Thank you herpes for being my "Wingman" and thank you Adrial and Dancer for all your positive support!

 

aimee

I don't post often but I come here to read alot! :)

[WCSDancer2010]

Love that @Aimee brought up the Wingman... we have a couple links about how H works as your Wingman (and no @NeverDanced, I'm not smoking anything ...LOL read the links and it will make sense ;) )

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

And BTW, I have profiles on 3 dating sites - one H+ where I have met 3 men in the last 5 yrs being on there, and 2 regular ones. I put my H+ status on them last Fall with an explanation of what H is and how it might affect a relationship. Now get this... it hasn't changed how many guys contact me...BUT... I am getting a BETTER quality prospect who honors my transparency and honesty!

 

Whoudathunk??????

[Newlook2013]

interesting.

[seeker]

and if ugly people can find someone why cant all us good looking people with a skin rash?

[ihaveittoo]

Don't become obsessed with finding someone with herpes just because they, like you, have herpes. That can cause you to overlook clear warning signs that someone is not the right person for you. Keep your options wide open. If I had been more open to considering an H- woman back in the day I would not be in the situation I am in today. You're still less than a month into your post diagnosis life. Give it more time to sink in. Further your herpes education. When a new relationship begins to develop don't make herpes status the be all/end all factor in its development. If you meet an H+ person great. If you began to see the signs that that person is not going to be a good partner for you, RUN. But he/she has herpes too is not a good enough reason to try and spend the rest of your life trying to turn shit into gold.

[willow]

Well said @ihaveittoo "but he/she has her herpes too is not a good enough reason to try and spend the rest of your life trying to turn shit into gold"

 

 

[NeverDanced]

I appreciate all the comments! :-)

 

I can possibly see my opinion on this evolving as time passes, but to @WCSDancer2010 ...the car analogy... ya that one is REALLY bad. :-P I think it would make more sense to say, "Car A (Herpes car) WILL eventually crash for sure... and if you don't wear your seat belt you'll have to deal with some life long side effects." "Car B (non-Herps) will never crash if you both drive together (and not ride in any other cars) and no experience dulling seat belt required! :-)" Something like that.

 

I guess, based on where my mind is right now, I feel it's more our responsibility to contain the spread of this disease. It's my fault this happened. It should be my responsibility to keep it contained. Not that I'm looking to date AT ALL any time soon.

 

Future experiences will help me pick the road I decide to travel down. With my luck, the girl of my dreams will start talking to me next week at the supermarket... HA!

 

Regards,

ND

[WCSDancer2010]

"Car A (Herpes car) WILL eventually crash for sure...

 

AGAIN... Sooooo not true.

 

More analogy time: The people who generally pass on Herpes are the ones who don't know they have it ... NOT those of us who know. Those who KNOW they are in the Herpes car check the brakes and rotate the tires (aka, we take antivirals and pay attention to our bodies and use condoms). Those that don't know pass it on because they have no idea that the brake line is compromised and the power steering fluid has run dry (aka, ignorance is NOT bliss).....

 

I can't express to you enough to be careful to not believe your thoughts!!! a 2-5% (PER YEAR based on a couple having sex 2x/week .. stats assuming you are using condoms and antivirals Male+ Female -) risk of passing it on is NOT a "will eventually crash/pass on herpes" statistic.

 

And by the way, Car B is likely going to get Herpes or some STD along the way unless you make sure that you had a 100 point inspection before you got in it and you make sure both drivers have a "clean" license ;)

 

I have had 2 three year relationships with H- men, neither got it from me. In one I used anti-virals, the other I didn't. No condoms and PLENTY of rip roaring sex in both relationships. The ONLY reason my ex hubby got it from me is I was one of the blissfully ignorant people who didn't know my "rash" was from this little virus until he caught it from me, and that wasn't until we had been together for at least a year and I think we probably had sex when I was getting/finishing an OB several dozen times in that time. It really is a crap shoot to some extent but again, the odds really are SMALL and made smaller when you know how to control the chance of passing it on.

 

You are seeing this through SUCH a self-limiting filter. I know that is in part because you are new to the diagnosis. But realize that EIGHTY PERCENT of people have H1 orally (ie, it's a potential STD) and FIFTEEN TO TWENTY PERCENT (ie, 1 in 4 or 5 of your friends!) has HSV2 ... but 80% of them are in the blissfully ignorant "don't know it" place... and THEY are the most likely to be passing it on.... not you ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[NeverDanced]

OK that's a much better analogy. I'm pretty happy this morning. I just checked out a co-worker's butt. I think she totally busted me doing it too but at this point who cares. It's a good sign!

[WCSDancer2010]

"Behind every good woman is a man checking her ass out" LOL

 

Glad your "filters" are clearing up a bit ... (LOL... I typed Butt first... how appropriate ;) )

[WhoopsiDaysi]

NeverDanced, I totally get where you are right now but as everyone else has said, herpes is no different than any other way people filter who they want to date and who they don't. For some people, smoking is a deal breaker. For others it's kids. For some it's weight. Everyone has their deal breaker and herpes is no different. Dating someone because they have herpes is like dating someone because they have had the flu. It's not really the basis for picking a mate. A healthy relationship is based on a hell of a lot more than "I have a cold sore". Anyone who has had a cold sore on their mouth is just as likely to pass along herpes as someone who has it genitally. I don't know about you, but good oral sex is a damn fine thing and yet no one thinks to have "the talk" before going down on you.

 

I have been in relationships with people who have herpes and who don't or don't know they do. The bottom line is picking someone who you connect with. Herpes is a great filter because it gives you an opportunity to get to know them a bit before you have the Talk. With that little bit of "clear thinking" you can see a lot that you may not have seen without the time for "The Talk". Also, having herpes protects you from other things because you are having the sex talk about not just herpes but other things. The Talk also builds trust because they now see what kind of person you are. You have enough respect for their health and the integrity to have the talk and let them make the choice. It also opens the door to sex talk that could lead to some great moments. So, although initially finding out you have herpes can seem like a sentence to a lifetime of celibacy, it is actually quite the opposite. AND, you get to connect with really cool people like us on here. ;)

 

Keep an open mind my dear and see how herpes can actually be a blessing. You will get there. Don't let it define you, let it refine you. :)

 

Brenda

[WCSDancer2010]

@WhoopsiDaysi I don't know about you, but good oral sex is a damn fine thing and yet no one thinks to have "the talk" before going down on you.

 

Amen Sister!