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Considering First Time Disclosure - Confused

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Alrighty friends. I have a bit of a confusing situation going on here and if anyone would like to weigh in, I'd gladly like to hear opinions!


I had my first OB a week before I left the city for work for a month. Had one small one while I was gone.

While I was gone I started texting this guy. We texted every day for 5 weeks straight until we met - completely smitten via text. Our first date went well. Our second date, we held hands and he kissed me good night. (This being a first for me - I wasn't afraid to put out on the first date.. that's what got me here.) Our third date, he came over to my house. We cuddled up on the couch together and watched a movie. Fourth date, fifth date.. Sixth date, at this point we have still done NOTHING but kiss. We were rubbing each other's backs, getting into some heavy kissing.. Nothing more. He slept in my bed that night, in his boxers. And still.. nothing more.

We just finished date 7. Still nothing. When I bring up anything sexual/make a sexual joke he turns red and gets visibly uncomfortable.

I can't tell if he is just genuinely nervous, being a gentleman, a virgin (I doubt it, but hey!), or .. maybe he has H, too! ( Yeah right :p )

He really likes me. I hope you can understand as to why I would feel confused, though. He's an attractive, 24 year old guy..



So now comes disclosure: Clearly, sexual contact isn't a pressing issue at ALL right now.. And I've given him ample opportunity to get to know me for who I really am, and he really likes me. I JUST met his roommates for the first time tonight, though, and we aren't officially "dating"..

When do I disclose?! Is there some magical feeling, where you just KNOW when the time is right? This is my first (potential) disclosure. I feel like I haven't known him long enough (we met a month ago). I feel like it would be alright to just let things play out on their own.. Tell him when I know it's right. When it feels right, I mean.


I plan on clarifying if what we have is going to go further (i.e committed relationship) before disclosing. What I had planned out in my head to say was just, "So.. I want to tell you something. I recently found out that I came into sexual contact with someone who carries the herpes virus, and I tested positive for it as well. Now, what this means for you and I, if we continue to move forward in this relationship, is that we need to take extra precautions and use protection at all times...."

And then obviously continue on with the questioning, answering, etc.

I am completely terrified that he will not be alright with it. I have a feeling he will be, and I will approach the situation as such. But.. this is the first time in 6 years I have let a guy get this close to me (not because of H, I was only OFFICIALLY diagnosed 2 weeks ago - I have just had really bad relationship issues)

Is that an alright way to approach that situation?

What do you think his deal is?






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You are definitely on the right track.... sounds like you just need a little guiding and a general road map ;)


I feel like it would be alright to just let things play out on their own.. Tell him when I know it's right. When it feels right, I mean.


When people ask when is the "right time", this is EXACTLY what I tell them. You have to do it when it's right for YOU. The only caveat is to not do it when the clothes have been ripped off and you are about to do the deed. We humans (BOTH male and female, regardless of what Robin Williams said about the subject!) seem to lose all blood supply to the brain and it ends up in the nether regions at that point and we do things that we might regret later if they are not discussed before things get heated up ;)


I am completely terrified that he will not be alright with it.


Perhaps. But he might find out you have many other "deal breakers" down the line that he would not be ok with as well .. because that is all H is ... another item in a long list of deal breakers.


AND - your fear of rejection is a natural and very primitive response that no longer serves us in a healthy way. So check out these links on disclosure, your H Wingman, and rejection, and read all the Success Stories that you can. Judging by how well you are adjusting to H already, I think by the time you finish all this you will be just fine ;)




Handouts + disclosure e-book: General info that you can give to him at disclosure



Herpes facts video


Your H Wingman :)




http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )



http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)









When to have the H talk Adrial
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Thank you so much, Dancer (I love that that has become your first name to everyone. LOL)

Any insight as to why you think he's so standoffish when it comes to anything sexual? Even if I jokingly kiss his neck he actually gets physically uncomfortable.. Just starting to feel like it's me.. (I know it isn't and that is completely irrational, but how do you ask someone about that!)

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I think you hit the nail on the head that he *may* have herpes. If not that, something else that he sees as something to be ashamed of or that HE'S afraid of being rejected for ... penis size, Erectile dysfunction, body image issues, whatever...


This may help you to understand that part more because you are not buying into the stigma/shame that he may have over something that he fears makes him "unlovable"


http://www.upworthy.com/a-4-year-old-girl-asked-a-lesbian-if-shes-a-boy-she-responded-the-awesomest-way-possible Ash Beckhams Closet Ted Talk


Kirsty Spraggon Ted Talk “You are only as Sick as Your Secrets

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