Should I even disclose or part ways?

[Rumi12]

Ok, so, after a year of being on PS and feeling like I was settling having such a few amount of dudes to choose from, I decided to go back on OKC. About six weeks ago an attractive, chill guy and myself started emailing. After a few of those we had out first date. It went very well and we had a second date a week later, a hike in the woods. That went well. Then we we had a third date of date and a movie at his apt....obviously something was going to happen. We kissed for the first time which turned into heavy making out. He then suggested we move to the bedroom and I said I had my "lady time." I also said I didnt wanna rush into things. He was cool with that, we made out some more then I went home. The next day I asked him out for the following weekend and he gave a weird answer. Four days passed without me hearing from him about Wed being a good day to hang out. Randomly Monday night he texts me "what are you looking for?" I was taken aback but answered, "Im trying to casually date right now. Seeing how things naturally go." He said hes doing the same and isnt "actively looking for a relationship, but thinks seeing how things go naturally is the best way to go about dating." We will probably be meeting up for another date next week, and after my long story, here is my question...

 

If I know he isnt looking for a relationship, is it even worth telling him I have ghsv2? I have been going back and forth if I should even try telling him or if I should just cut things off now. I know hes not looking for anything long term just yet, but I would still like to get physical with him if hes ok with my condition. I would never sleep with someone without telling them and I know there is a good chance given how we've gone about this dating he wont be ok with it, and Im ok with that. What worries me is his reaction being understanding or negative. I just feel like this would be a good experience. And I also am one of those people who double thinks the chances I dont take. What if he could be cool with it and everything is fine? I dont want to miss this chance. I read about on here how someone had a guy stop talking to her and it was super sad for the chick, to then find out he had herpes and didnt know how to tell her. But she moved and she would have been ok with it. Missed chance. Im rambling but Im so 50/50, I dont know what to do! So if it is advised I not tell him, whats the best way to cut things off now? Ugh....

[willow]

Hey @Rumi12 !

In all honesty, i think u should tell him. Hes told you what he is looking for, and you know what you want, so why not try it? I mean the worst thing that could happen is he says oh aorry thats not a risk im willng to take, which is fine, because it leaves the door open for someone better to come along your way!

If you feel like you would like to go through with this, then you could tell him.

Heres a link about one of my one nighters, its a success from months ago, just to help give ya courage... http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3368/my-one-night-wonder#Item_12

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Well, two things. Doesn't matter if you are having a 1 night stand or getting into a committed relationship, our stand here is if you are going to have sex, you need to tell the other person. Period. The vast majority of us here got H because we were not given the choice. Having that choice means he would be more careful about using condoms for one until he feels safe to do otherwise.

 

So I'm confused. You want to have sex with him, right? Sounds like the feeling is mutual. If you are being HONEST that you are not looking for a relationship, but you would be ok with a casual dating/hook-up situation, that's great. However, I'm not certain from your post that this is true... you seem concerned that it won't work out which tells me that you likely are hoping this will turn into something so the stakes for rejection are higher. Given his question, I'd be a little careful as he sounds like he's not looking for anything committed any time in the future. His question was actually a way of telling you that. So be careful there. Maybe have another talk with him face to face about why he brought it up and make sure that you really ARE both on the same page ;)

 

Bottom line - as you mentioned, if you don't risk it, you take the chance of missing out on something that could be beautiful. But don't disclose until you feel that you are both moving in the same direction, with the same expectations. Herpes is a great Wingman that way ... it's making you slow down and LISTEN to what he is saying he wants and who he is. Make sure you don't push all that down just so you can be validated for awhile by a guy who may want to get INTO you more than he wants to get into YOU ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

[willow]

And also if youd like, this link is how i told my current boyfriend, just over 3 months ago..http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3571/3-weeks-in-and-still-truckin039#Item_7

[Rumi12]

@willow That is what Im leaning towards. @WCSdancer2010 Truth is, I would be cool with either. Ive been off the market for over a year and only had a one night stand for the first time a few weeks ago. Whats different about that one was it was a close friend who I trust and when I disclosed to him, his response was "well is it going to kill me?" to which I replied, "no." And after more talk, he was fine with it. Honestly, I am not in a place for a relationship but would like to get laid, to put it bluntly ha. If this new guy were interested in still casually dating, I would be in. If he were cool for a one time hook up, I am also ok with it. Ive told myself from the beginning not to get my hopes up for anything more than what we already seem to have. @willow @wcsdancer2010 I think I will just tell him. I wont be hurt if he doesnt feel up to it. But I will regret not giving it a shot. I got to this place by taking a risk with a guy I dated for 5 months last year. He told me on our first date and even though I now know he didnt exactly give me all the facts or time to think it over, I know there are more people out there with the acceptance I had for him and I plan to go about it in a better way. Thank you so much guys, Its nice having opinions from people who have been through this before. :)

[willow]

I get not wanting a relationship, last year befor i even contracted h i didnt realy want one, which is how i ended up with h haha go figure eh!?

You realy have nothing to loose, but u have everything to gain from telling him!

[WCSDancer2010]

Glad to help you find clarity. And I get you on wanting to get laid ... I wish I could do the casual thing but it just plain doesn't work for me :p

[willow]

Make sure you know what this guys status is! I mean u know yours, but does he know his!?

[Newlook2013]

good point...I will call it "defensive driving."

[willow]

Bwahahaha!

[seeker]

really??? is there any doubt? you tell him before anything happens or your worse than those who transmit it without knowing.

 

aren't one night stands and casual sex kinda opposite the whole wingman thing?

[willow]

Well i.m.o. no

because if someone isnt ready to be fully committed or doesnt know what they want, but still want sex, the wingman theory comes into play well.

those u tell for a one night stand who dont care, or understands are people who are accepting with not just h but other obstacles which in my day and age is apparently rare.

 

Those who say no.. just shows the ignorance.

 

So in theory through a one time, you can get a feel for what you DO want in a relationship, when the time comes.

 

Because, lets face it... at some point in time, the people who like one times, (i used to be like this) want a lil bit of relax time with someone they might grow old with.

[seeker]

ok willow, I know you do this on your phone but some of that was hard to read.

I guess im ignorant then. I know I don't want to risk someone for a one nighter, nor if I didn't have H would I want the risk for a one nighter, not even FWB . the H as wingman is suppose to be about slowing down and getting to know someone, vetting the chaff so to speak.

trust me im no prude, ive done my fair share of one nighters. I just keep reading these heart wrenching posts on here saying " ill never have anyone want to marry me" etc then a , should I disclose because its a one night stand and a seemingly mulligan being given out. but I guess that's the old, it makes me temporarily happy so what the fuck mentality.

 

maybe its the fact that one night stands got me here and now I see them as what they are, using someone else to essentially masturbate.

[Rumi12]

@Willow This is pretty much the first time im being one of "those people!" Ive always been so shy and could never imagine just having a one tine thing. But it always ended up with ne becoming emotionally attached to someone and rushing into a serious relationship. I think its just cause its the first time Ive been fully aware that Im not ready for a legit committed relationship, and ok with it without feeling held back from having a sex life. Plus, i would never sleep with someone without telling them first. I had that choice, but the person I got it from did not. I dont ever want to surprise anyone with this type of "gift." The least I can do is tell them. So, i still dont know when our next date will be but i will certainly let you guys know how it plays out. I appreciate everyones thoughts on the situation!

[Rumi12]

@Seeker Perhaps for the same reason youre feeling this way about one night stands is the same reason im not feeling upto a relationship. Also, i dont think this would technically count as a one night stand since im dating the guy in question, its just still in the early stages. We both made it clear we arent viewing this a promised long term relationship, but are also willing to see how things naturally go. In my mind, i see it as being open to seeing each other and not opposed to something in the future, should that moment come.

[willow]

@seeker, and @Rumi12,

I wasnt trying to offend, or anything...

i was only trying to help let everyone understand that it doesnt matter if its one time, casual, or serious.. as long as the partner knows and understands the facts, thats whats important!

and the way i have understood the wingman theory is... herpes helps us to see other peoples true colours. No matter what youre wanting at that time, (one night, casual, serious) herpes can and wil help to weed out the people you dont need.

 

And alas, we are only human, we will all face different needs, and desires, at different times in our lives.

[WCSDancer2010]

@seeker

 

aren't one night stands and casual sex kinda opposite the whole wingman thing?

 

Well, I still see H as being a great Wingman for casual sex because you STILL need to take precautions (even more-so) and there are FAR too many people having one night stands and not using condoms, not discussing STD's, etc.

 

Your Wingman comes in by helping us to remember that at the VERY LEAST we need to make sure condoms are used AND stay ON (I've heard several stories here of women who got it because the guy took it off half way through).

 

Even better, lets start to be GROWN-UPS here ... maybe find ways to keep a copy of your last test (still no guarantee if you have multiple partners but it's better than nothing) with you or at the very least, have a conversation where you say something like "Well, I tested positive for HSV2 and I learned through that that we are not tested for H.... are you SURE you know your status? Oh - and do you get Cold Sores? Because if you do, I don't have that one so if there's ANY chance you have a OB coming on, we won't have oral sex".

 

Sure, it sounds like a bit of a buzz-kill ... but it would be even MORE of a Buzz-kill to find out you got ANOTHER STD, or that you passed H on to someone when it could have very likely been avoided through an honest dialog beforehand.

 

I'm thinking of campaigning for some kind of STD "card" that we could easily carry ... credit-card sized, that would have the results of our last STD tests. Something that you could easily show so that the other person would know your status, when you were last tested, etc. Yes, you could still have got it and be inside the window of time for recent exposure and have a negative test, but it would be a better-than-nothing solution and it would make it a quick and easy way for people to have "the talk" ... you could even make it into a joke "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" type thing. LOL

 

We are living in a different world now - one where casual sex is often the first step in a relationship, where people who are too overwhelmed with the stage of their life (ie, college/new job/etc) still need that physical connection of casual sex, that we need to come up with a solution to make it simple to have "the talk" before engaging in sex. Until that happens tho, at least WE have our H wingman to remind us that we *could* have gotten something worse ... so we need to be extra cautious with these things ;)

[seeker]

I don't know. still sounds iffy. ive said before if I didn't have it and the most beautiful woman in the world offered me a 1 night stand but had it, id say no. im betting that even informed and given a "choice" ( unless done well in advance the guy will only hear 1/2 of what is said and understand 10% of what he hears cause he will be thinking, " im gonna get me some of that") if someone from a 1 night stand catches it they are still going to be angry. if they aren't worth risking some sort of relationship with you why are they worth risking a lifelong relationship with this rash?

 

I thought wingman theory was it makes you slow things down because you have to really figure out if this person is worth disclosing to and risking rejection.

 

what bothers me is how many young women on here are more concerned with being able to do 1 nighters and they just learned about their status. how is someone to know about their body if they just found out?

 

again im no prude, had my share of 1 nighters and that's how im here. now I wish I hadn't because none and I mean none of them were worth this.

 

my $.02 and that's bout what its worth.

[seeker]

also, I understand this forum is predominantly female and you are all thinking like females. A male will only be thinking of the sex. So, if you want to 1 night it up, you best be talking well, and I mean well in advance when there is zero chance of anything happening. we men will give up sleep, work, money, time,etc for some action.

 

lol, funny thing, you want 1 nighters but are going to ask for his std status? well if he is into that and it takes 3 months to show on a requested test, good luck with spontaneous 1 nighters.

[Rumi12]

Im sorry for coming off defensive about anything thats been said here. I asked for opinions and advice and got exactly that, then I came off a certain way which I didnt intend to do. I seriously appreciate everything that has been discussed here because its showing me other's perspectives on the matter. @seeker @willow @wcsdancer2010 I am truly grateful for everything you guys have said. I get mixed reactions from the closest friends and family members but I always feel that they are on the outside of what Im going through. This discussion really helps me work out what is best. :)

[WCSDancer2010]

@seeker

 

I thought wingman theory was it makes you slow things down because you have to really figure out if this person is worth disclosing to and risking rejection.

 

Yes - if you are looking for a RELATIONSHIP, then H acts this way for that situation ... and if you are looking for a hook-up, it gives *us* a reminder to have an honest conversation about STD's AND ... if you do hook-ups, you should be realistic that you are drastically upping your chances of something going wrong because you are usually getting together that you have not built up any kind of knowledge of their integrity. But most who get into casual sex don't even talk about STD's - they use condoms (hopefully) and hope they stay lucky... at least with H we have that reminder that we need to slow down at least long enough to talk about it ;)

 

And I hear that if you were given the choice, you wouldn't have gone there. That's YOUR option and it's OK ... AND, I can tell you we have FAR more Success Stories with a H+/H- disclosure than failures on here. We each have our deal breakers and H would have been one for you ... but it's not actually a deal breaker for more people than you may realize.

 

Here's a few casual sex disclosure stories for you to chew on, just so you can see how it can actually be a *positive* thing for some people with H...

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it thiisgoingtobeok (Casual Sex Successful Disclosure)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3271/first-disclosure-was-a-success-i-can-breathe-now- Rogue1313 (casual friend)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3368/my-one-night-wonder Casual sex Willow

 

A male will only be thinking of the sex.

 

More women like and want sex than you know .... which is one of the reasons (besides our anatomy) that so many are on here ;)

 

@Rumi

 

Glad to have helped. And no problem with your posts. We are a judgement-free zone. We are all here working on our stuff and supporting others and their stuff. ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[seeker]

hey, rumi non taken and dancer I was talking for a 1 nighter. maybe if something had built then I might have. not really an issue now.

 

trust me I know how woman are about sex, until they get married that is. (bazinga)

[WCSDancer2010]

Not all of us @seeker... I was married 20 yrs and had a great sex life throughout it ... we divorced for reasons that were right for us and our situation and are still good friends (sans benefits....LOL )

[seeker]

@ rumi. I didn't see you as defensive at all. I had to hurry my last response, hungry preteen gnawing on my leg. I hope I didn't come off as judgmental, I wasn't trying to be.

 

I just have a hard time seeing how with this a one night stand mentality will work, the logistics elude me. 3-4 month latency for Herpes and HIV tests means unless you know they tested and then was celibate for those months then retested there is always a chance. seems to me for you gals its far more risky with internal sores that you don't feel and a possible condom break.

 

 

@ dancer then you were one of the few or your definition of great is not the same.1x a month isn't great and guys get tired of rejection so we stop trying. then get accused of not being romantic or not seducing her, etc.

[WCSDancer2010]

Nope ... plenty more than 1x/month. Now, I've had "better" sex since... but mostly because I know more about myself and my body, but we certainly were not anything close to celibate :)

 

I will tell you one thing that I have figured out. I know a LOT of women who have never had an orgasm, or they only have them once in awhile. There can be many reasons for it ... but I believe that a LOT has to do with communication. Also, I actually had a man get insulted when I tried to guide him to what would work for me, because he was certain he "knew" what I needed. So between that, and children (often sex goes out the window when kids come because the woman is just plain exhausted and often suffering from Post Natal Depression), there are many reasons why women decide it's just not worth the effort any more.