Does anyone just want to be open?

[YoungAndReceptive]

Hey guys,

 

I have genital HSV1 and I've handled my diagnosis pretty well and all, I think I'm just going through a rough time now.

I'm 22 and I just want to be open about having it, but I'm afraid my peers will make it difficult for me to feel accepted if I were to come clean at a young age.

I feel like I see H for what it is because I have it. I don't think everyone else will see it that way and then people will start talking about me for having it and then I'll be avoided by all men. Does anyone else feel that way?

 

It's not like I want to make a huge announcement, but if people were talking bad about it I wanna just come clean and say I have it. Also, since I contracted the virus I am very stand offish with men and I won't get physical with a man. I fear that if I put myself in a situation of hooking up I'll have to share my secret and I feel like most people would have a negative response. I WANT to tell, but I'm afraid it will be the talk of the town.

 

And dating today is so hard because most men won't bring it to the next level of a relationship if he didn't have sex with the girl yet. I know not everyone's like that but a lot are. I just got kicked to the curb by a guy who wanted to be in a relationship with me, but I was making him go super slow. A few weeks later he was in a relationship with the girl he was actually having sex with. I was his emotional outlet, she was his physical, and the physical comes before the emotion mostly.

If I were open about it he'd know why I was moving so slow, and I wouldn't have to seem like such a prude, innocent goody two-shoes.

I hate living in a time where guys want sex before a relationship.

 

Also my non positive family who 100% support and are accepting of me me tell me, you can't tell or he'll run. You have to wait until you have a boyfriend and he actually loves you. If he's not your boyfriend he'll run and tell everyone.

 

So that's what stops me. Those closest to me telling me that. I have it and it doesn't seem like a big deal, but my family doesn't have it and that's how they see H positive people.

[WCSDancer2010]

I'm 100% out. And if anything it has brought me more confidence and support from others than I could have EVER foreseen. You can see my story here:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1754/im-out-of-the-herpes-closet

 

I feel like I see H for what it is because I have it. I don't think everyone else will see it that way and then people will start talking about me for having it and then I'll be avoided by all men.

 

If YOU see it as bad, then the people around you are more likely to agree with you. If you see it as no big deal, something that you just need to manage, you'd be amazed at how many people will start to ask you questions or who will support you in your stance.

 

I just got kicked to the curb by a guy who wanted to be in a relationship with me, but I was making him go super slow. A few weeks later he was in a relationship with the girl he was actually having sex with. I was his emotional outlet, she was his physical, and the physical comes before the emotion mostly.

 

Herpes just acted as your Wingman there friend ... he didn't want to get into YOU, he wanted to GET INTO you. AKA - you dodged a big assed bullet right there ;)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

I hate living in a time where guys want sex before a relationship.

 

So do I chica! Just had a great rant about it here on FB:

 

 

One thing I am clear on - even though I am "out" I still tell men I want to take things slow and get to know THEM first ... yes, some will choose to walk away, but again, they don't want to get into YOU ;)

 

So that's what stops me. Those closest to me telling me that. I have it and it doesn't seem like a big deal, but my family doesn't have it and that's how they see H positive people.

 

Why are you giving them that power over you? What is in YOUR heart? What is right for YOU? I can tell you, I came out last Fall. Over 1,000 friends ... not one said anything against me. I had someone today just PM me for help and info. I'm also 100% out on all my dating profiles, including OKC and POF. I'm actually getting inquiries from a BETTER quality man... one who values my candor, honesty, and transparency... ;)

 

You need to do what is right for YOU. If you do, you will be amazed at what can transpire. Now, yes, *some* people may be ugly. Some may say hurtful things. But again, that's just your Wingman showing you who you don't need in your life. But I think you will find that they will be few and far between. ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[seeker]

I hate living in a time where guys want sex before a relationship.

 

um weren't we just having the opposite discussion in another thread?

 

Y&R I understand where your at in some ways. part of me sometimes wants to say," ive got herpes and if you don't like it go F yourselves!" then I think, meh that's too much effort for not much gain. I don't know if I could be like dancer is, not yet anyway, only @ a month into this. ive got to figure out all the other crap in dealing with this, OBs, supplements, etc before I think of being an activist.

[seeker]

re the rant, driving past a girls house 20 times gets you a restraining order nowadays.

 

and no one says you HAVE to jump in the sack on the first date.

[WCSDancer2010]

re the rant, driving past a girls house 20 times gets you a restraining order nowadays.

 

LOL - now THAT was funny right there ...

[seeker]

didn't have the time to fully post on the rant.

 

Does this woman from the rant realize its a 2 way street? women aren't exactly clear about what they want. they will say they want certain things in a man yet go with one who is the exact opposite because the man with her desired qualities isn't brad pitt or have Donald trumps wallet or something else. realistic expectations might help, Roseanne barr isn't going to land brad pitt. nothing wrong with shooting for the stars but the moon might be more obtainable. also, did you know those dating sites contain women who only use them to get free meals and entertainment? yeppers. so why wouldn't the guy expect to weed out those by trying something on a first date? I could go on but don't want to hijack the thread, tho I guess the OP was discussing how hard it is to date in general. add H to the mix and it gets harder yet.

 

Y&R not all men want sex right off the bat, or will press it if they do. sometimes talking helps. gotta understand what he is looking for. I think a lot of women see/hear what they want the man to want not what he says. the old " I can change him" mentality.

 

funny thing is we were having the opposite conversation in another thread, about women wanting one night stands ( and I cant help but notice it was being painted as a good thing while in this thread there was man bashing for the exact same thing). so while you see it one way it can be perceived another. its that there are different people with different wants or expectations. the two just need to meet.

 

maybe because im older, been through a fair amount of stuff IF I date its only one at a time and I want to see where it goes. I cant play that whole multiple women thing, gets too complicated and dramatic, hell one of you can be trying.

 

@ dancer. im curious how you know they are better quality men? a profile and a message can be inflated. until actually meeting them and finding out if they are who they say they are and behave in ways that align with what they tell you its hard to tell. I hope they are and one turns into something great. ive had too many women turn out to be not who I thought they were based on what they told me about themselves.

[WCSDancer2010]

@seeker

 

The woman on the "rant" is me ;)

 

And I am DEFINITELY clear about what I want. And I know that women use those sites for a free meal ... shame on the men for continually falling for it - you don't have to take me out for an expensive meal on the first date. One of my BEST EVER first dates was a recent meeting on a Walkway Over the Hudson on one of the Supermoon evenings. Cost $5 each plus Ice Cream. We women LOVE guys who are creative on a first date... get to know me a little through conversation, find out what I like, and then set up a date around THAT and your looks and wallet won't be *as* likely to be a deal breaker .... not saying there are not women who would still turn down a 2nd date but I'll bet you'll get a LOT more 2nd dates than you would with Filet Mignon in a noisy restaurant. ;)

 

As for the one night stands - noone is painting them as "good" in the other thread and "bad" here. Chill my friend. One-nighters are "good" for some people and not for others. The main problem is COMMUNICATION... which includes LISTENING. I can't tell you how many guys I have told ahead of time that I want to get to know them and take it SLOW who STILL try to get in my pants on the first date. And the second if I am stupid enough to give them a second chance. Even those who acquiesce to not trying anything for 2 dates will usually try to get on base by the 3rd date. So even when we women TRY to make it clear what we want, men still try to get as far as they can as fast as they can in my experience.

 

@ dancer. im curious how you know they are better quality men?

 

Because I HAVE met some of them ;) Sadly the one I really clicked with was rebounding and not in a good place to be in relationship at the time (and BTW, he was not physically what I would normally be attracted to at first but his PERSONALITY won me over), but we have remained friends. Just exploring another now ... taking it REAL slow as he has kids and is still in the process of divorce so I'm trying to be cautious but patient. So why the rant? Because even though I (and my friends who have met him) think he's a good prospect, there are issues coming up that likely wouldn't have in the pre-modern-technology era around texting and such.

 

And even just in the replies of many of the guys, (many of whom say they know that they may not live close enough or be what I want) I am getting men who just plain say it's refreshing to have someone on the site who IS clear about what she wants and who is confident enough to plainly state that she has something that may be a deal breaker and that could be perceived negatively. They honor my transparency, honesty, and "courage".

 

So yes, there ARE women out here who are not sending mixed messages. And to the OP, I hope this conversation actually helps you to see that the more honest we can be about who we are, the better chance we have of not having this kind of conversation in the future ... if we could ALL be transparent and honest, think of how wonderful the world would be.... ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[whitedaisies]

I disagree that men want transparency or some men....I am honest and totally transparent and yet I get judged for this. I think one needs to be selectively honest and transparent as some people say they want that but when co confronted by it respond in an unfavourable manner.

 

Xo

[willow]

Personally... you just gotta stop giving a F*** what other people think of you.

i dont hide who i am at any time.

im loud, and bitchy at times, i have obvious anxiety issues, but its not always obvious to others im trying to control it. Im super affectionnet, i give everyone i meet hugs.... the list goes on.. so really, if someone doesnt like me thats a-ok!

 

and ive mentioned to a good chunk of ppl i have herpes and so far only 3 friends havent run... out of say..15. My parents, sister, bf, and 3 friends, and all of you guys know about my status, and are supportive or / dont care that i have it!

 

So if your with your buddies at lunch and the stigma comes up through conversation, as long as you feel comfortable within that moment, go ahead! im thinkin of disclosing i have h to one of my bfs buddys cuz he is sooo scared of getting it. But i have to ask the bf first if hes ok with me sharing that! Ill keep u guys posted if that happens...

 

And also, my parents did the same damn flipping thing. "Oh! Noooo! You cant tell so and so!"..

Pffftt lile hell i cant! So i ended up telling so and so....

and she hates me. Good.

Found out she hates me cuz i apparently slept with her man. (And hell no, i did not do that!)

Turns out he has ghsv1. I have ghsv2. And i dont have hsv1. Then i find out she has ohsv1.

Duh.. she gave it too him, but was easyer for her to blame me. Ao thanks to herpes, shes outa mylife! And thanks to herpes... i found a sweet, geniun guy, who doeant lie to me or cheat.

 

Srry that was so long,....

[whitedaisies]

Don't say sorry willow

 

U always have a great and real perspective

 

I admire you

 

Xo

[whitedaisies]

Ok had a moment to think about it...no, I am not going to be selectively honest.....my truth is to be authentic me and if people don't like it....well fuck 'em!!!

 

Thanks willow for the reminder....forced a gut check

 

Xo

[willow]

Thanks daisy!

[whitedaisies]

Love u willow

[WCSDancer2010]

@Daisy

 

Just to clarify .. the men who are contacting me have seen the transparency and applaud it. As @willow found, you *may* lose a few "friends", but really, who wants a nasty, vindictive, or ugly person in your life?????

 

I for one won't let anyone like that in my life... which is probably why when I came out about H on FB, I didn't have any negative flack (only tons of positivity and love) come towards me. ;)

 

The more confident you are in who YOU are and what YOUR truth is, the easier life gets. The *only* thing I am struggling with is balancing this strength...which can come across as masculine....while still coming across as feminine. I was a tomboy in my youth so this has been, and still is, a challenge for me :)

[seeker]

wow, calm down late comers. dancer and I have been having this conversation for a day or two and now the anger level just rose.

 

Dancer, I said that in the other thread it was being portrayed as OK and in this one there was a link bashing men for doing the same thing. this inconsistency drives us guys crazy

 

maybe I should just not add my $.02 to anything anymore, some people seem to get upset over my posts and I bring out the anger in others.

[willow]

The more $.02 u put in, the more we learn. About ourselves. About others. And about what to possibly do in different situations! I dont recal anywhere on the forum adrial saying we arent allowed to voice our opinions!

 

And please keep in mind... that beacuse everyone is diifferent, you will see 100's of contradicting motives/stories/success. (For example i was emotion when i told the first guy i disclosed to, and no success, but i read another girl's post and she was emotional and she had a wonderfull success!) This post is from a girl trying to come out of her herpes closet, little by little. The other post i think u are referring to is how to be honest and go about casual sex. Point being, doesnt matter if we"re neighbors, or live 1000's of miles away, the fact that we are all different helps others in how they go about their disclosures. Every $.02 helps.