Diagnosed with GHSV1...going to disclose for the first time after a mishap :/

[sprinkles34]

Hey everyone!

 

I happened upon this website a day or two ago through a good search. I was diagnosed with GHSV1 back in June of this year, and I've only had the initial OB that cleared up within a few days with the help of Valtrex. When I had the OB, I thought it was an ingrown hair or two, because I only had two blisters, but in the nether regions. I went to the doctor just to be sure, and after a swab and culture sample, we found out that it was HSV-1. I asked my then partner about it, and he said yes, he did get cold sores from time to time, so I ended up contracting the virus, I am assuming during a shedding phase, as he had no visible cold sores on his mouth at the time. Eventually we broke things off.

 

So just last week, I was at a friend's birthday party, I ended up getting very very drunk, and to make a long story short, I ended up sleeping with one of my friend's friends, W/O protection. I honestly didn't even remember how the sex started, and I am not usually one to sleep around. I had a long-term bf for 8 years, until the guy who gave me H. Of course, the next morning, I freaked out, and asked if he was clean, he said yes, and I said I was as well (without even thinking about it). This is where it gets tricky, because instead of just treating it like a one night stand, this guy ends up wanting my number and we text for a week, and then we went out on a date about 3 days ago. I am starting to like him and I feel that we have a good connection, and these last couple of days I have been feeling sick to my stomach thinking about H. My doctor told me that it was up to me whether I chose to disclose this information or not, as transmission rates are extremely low, and even those who contract the virus may never have an OB. I really really feel that I need to inform him of this as I am usually an honest person. (If roles were reversed, I would want to know, low transmission rate or not.) We have not slept together since that first drunken night, and I have a feeling that we may be taking things slow, but even so, I want him to know before we decide to move further. It is clear that he has interest in me, and I would rather get it out in the open now, rather than later, just in the case of a rejection. We have only been on one date after the night together, but he is already asking to see me again.

 

But now I am scared. I am planning to tell him next Friday, when we have our second date. Is it too soon?! And I don't want him to feel like I intentionally betrayed his trust, as that was not my intention. It's just that the H has not affected me at all since that first OB, and I really do forget that I have it sometimes. I feel really bad that I was so irresponsible, and this has been a real wake-up call.

 

Advice needed please!

[WCSDancer2010]

@sprinkles 24

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

My doctor told me that it was up to me whether I chose to disclose this information or not, as transmission rates are extremely low, and even those who contract the virus may never have an OB.

 

Personally I feel that is irresponsible of the Dr to tell you that. As you said, even with the low transmission rates, we all would have rather known before we contracted the virus of what options we would have to avoid getting the virus. So I'm glad you will be telling him.

 

I'm about to run out the door but for now read these links/etc to get yourself informed ... and I'll come back later if you have any questions ... oh - and read all the Success Stories that you can ... they will help you to figure out how to approach the talk... I'll add a little "script" I came up with to help get you started... and Do tell him that you often forget you have it because you haven't had an OB and you don't sleep around so you don't have the subject come up much :)

 

(((HUGS))))

 

Disclosing GHSV1 : Simplest way is to say "You know the cold sores people get on their lip? I get them down there. So if you've had a cold sore, you may have the antibodies and it would be difficult for you to get it from me. If you are not sure, then we need to be careful ... HSV1 doesn't shed much but I can take suppressive meds and/or we can use condoms until you get tested. 80% of people have HSV1 so you may have it and not know" …so it would be best if you get tested first so you know for sure. Here's a handout that has some statistics if you are interested...

 

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Herpes facts video

[sprinkles34]

Thank you @WCSDancer2010 !

 

Where do I find all of the success stories??

[WCSDancer2010]

In the Categories section on the right of the page ;)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/categories/herpes-talk-success-stories

[sprinkles34]

Thanks again @WCSDancer2010 !

 

I'm almost done reading all of the success stories and they're absolutely bolstering my courage.

I know that disclosure is only right when it is right for me, but I have so much guilt that I almost want to rush it, even though it'll only be our second official meeting. Is it too soon?! :-/

 

I'm also afraid that I'm going to get teary eyed. I haven't disclosed to anyone except for 3 close friends and the guy who gave it to me. I was surprisingly calm asking him about it but I'm terrified to disclose to a potential new love interest. I don't want to scare him away with disclosing too early. Is there such a thing?

[WCSDancer2010]

You will see with the success stories that there is no right time. I have mine on my dating profiles. Some tell on the 1st/2nd date. Some wait until it looks like sex is going to happen within a date or two. Only YOU will know what is right for you. Trust your gut about whether you think HE's ready to hear it. Yes - for *some* there IS a "too early" ... if the guy has nothing invested in the relationship he may walk rather than stay until he knows if he feels you are worth the minor risk. Other's won't blink when you tell them.

 

Don't worry about tears - just be yourself, know your facts (or at least have the handouts to answer questions) and then give him space if he needs it to process things. IF he walks then just try to see it as a learning experience ....

 

We ALL have something we are afraid that others will discover about us ... disclosing H is a good way to find out whether the person is into YOU, or wants to GET into you ;)

 

http://www.upworthy.com/a-4-year-old-girl-asked-a-lesbian-if-shes-a-boy-she-responded-the-awesomest-way-possible Ash Beckhams Closet Ted Talk

[willow]

Hey! Dont know if this helps or not, everybodys different...

i disclosed to my now bf the third time we hung out. it wasnt as awkward as i thought it would be because i had already lost my faith and relationships with my friends, that if he decided he couldnt accept it, no big woop!

This is my post from a while ago..

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3571/3-weeks-in-and-still-truckin039#Item_7

[sprinkles34]

Thank you @WCSDancer2010 and @Willow !

 

I'm going to share the this with him on Friday. I will report back with the results!! I'm so nervous. Eeeek!

[willow]

Good luck!

[Miji69]

Would love to know the outcome of your talk! I'm new here and feel your dilemma as I am about to disclose to someone I have been orally intimate with once (he received, sorry!) I'm GHSV2 only.. Hope it went well for you! :-)

[adventurelovelife]

My doctor told me the same thing, but anytime I have had sex without disclosing (which has been two times-both times incredibly drunk-both times with protection) I have felt guilty. I don't think that it's good advice. It's a good thing to tell your partner what the doctor said when you are disclosing (it's part of my speech-i think it helps them feel better) but, yah…like everyone said..i think you would have wanted to know too, right?

 

Anyway. Good luck.

[WCSDancer2010]

@adventurelovelife

 

Your doctor is giving out BAD advice and needs to get up to date on his information. The CDC says that the majority of new cases of HSV come from people with no symptoms ... It burns me up when Dr's say this because I think it's a way to help people "feel better" about the diagnosis rather than just being clear about the facts (which are that yes, odds are *low* that you will pass it on but there IS aymptomatic shedding that the patient needs to be informed about an understand what it means)

 

As per the CDC's website

 

http://www.cdc.gov/std/Herpes/STDFact-Herpes-detailed.htm

 

How do people get genital herpes?

 

Infections are transmitted through contact with lesions, mucosal surfaces, genital secretions, or oral secretions. HSV-1 and HSV-2 can also be shed from skin that looks normal. In persons with asymptomatic HSV-2 infections, genital HSV shedding occurs on 10% of days, and on most of those days the person has no signs or symptoms. [4] Generally, a person can only get HSV-2 infection during sexual contact with someone who has a genital HSV-2 infection. Transmission most commonly occurs from an infected partner who does not have a visible sore and may not know that he or she is infected. [5]

 

[sprinkles34]

Hi everyone!

 

Sorry about the super late follow-up, but I do have an update. I knew that there was a reason that I didn't post my disclosure encounter just yet (aside from being crazy busy this past month)!

 

So the last thing I wrote was that I was going to disclose to someone that I had been seeing for a few weeks. I did end up telling him, and he took it rather well, much to my surprise. I was super nervous so I literally just blurted out, "I have something to tell you. Someone with cold sores went down on me, and now I carry the virus for HSV1, only I get the sores down there, instead of in my oral region. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you earlier because I literally forgot, but I thought that I should let you know now." He was silent for at least 10 minutes. My heart was pounding, and his response was, "So are you okay now?" I said, "I mean, I don't have an OB currently, but I still carry the virus." And then he put his arms around me and just held me and we started making out and the rest is kind of history....

 

Except there was a twist.

 

This past weekend, we were hanging out, and he wanted to have sex, but I said something along the lines of, "I feel like an OB is coming on, and I don't want to put you at risk, so I think we should wait." I said this because my immune system has been down from lack of adequate sleep and I've had a cold for the last month or so. I felt a little tingly down there, similar to how I felt when I had my first and only OB so I decided to play it on the safe side, despite not having visible lesions yet. Much to my surprise, my partner goes..."What do you mean you're going to have an OB?" And I respond with..."You know... what I told you about the night after my friend's wedding." He said that he didn't remember any conversation like that. (Looking back on the experience now, he may have been inebriated at the time that I told him.) I was literally laying there, on his bed, just speechless and mortified and once again, my heart was pounding. He was patient while I took my time, taking deep breaths and once again, I gave him the same spiel..."Someone with cold sores went down on me, and I get sores down there, and I carry the virus for HSV1." He was yet again completely speechless. He didn't seem mad, but then he started asking questions, which I took to be a good sign. I expected questions the first time I disclosed to him, and I was surprised that there were none, so I had just assumed that maybe he had done his own research and didn't have anything to ask. But Saturday, he had lots of questions. I gave him statistics and risk percentages. I even said, "I thought you understood the first time that I told you. I am sorry that I didn't know until two months in that you didn't actually know and I would understand if you needed time to think and process, and I would also respect your decision if you decided to change your mind about being with me. If you do decide to be with me, I would be willing to take suppressive medication if it would make you feel better about it, even though I don't have frequent OBs." He looked at my like I was crazy and he said, "Why would I change my mind about you? If what you say is true, this doesn't sound like a big deal to me. Maybe I should go get tested too if you say that a lot of people have the Herpes virus and just don't know it and if I do have it, then it wouldn't make sense for you to take meds unnecessarily." He thanked me for telling him and he said that he understood that this was probably a really hard thing for me to have to tell someone. I was literally melting, but still feeling trepidation at the same time. I didn't want to get my hopes up too soon, so the rest of the night I just kind of had my guard back up. It was hard enough that I had to disclose AGAIN and to the same person no less.

 

Fast forward to Sunday...we were just lounging on the couch, and he randomly brings it up on his own. He says, "I thought about what you told me yesterday and I don't feel any differently about you. I want to make things work, and that minor detail changes nothing. I still see you as the sweet girl that I've gotten to know over the last couple of months, and this does not change you as a person." So at this point, I want to jump for joy, because my heart is exploding with happiness.

 

Then today...he was texting me while I was at work and he said that he had been reading up about it online, doing his own research, and that it really didn't seem like a big deal. I'm thinking to myself, "Is this real life?"

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Don't be afraid to disclose. If your partner likes you enough, they will be able to see past the H, to the beautiful person that you are inside and out! I was lucky enough to have had a good first time disclosure (well, really two times) experience but it wasn't as scary as I had expected it to be. Was I scared of being rejected, especially at the second go-around? Um, duh. But I was also kind of resigned to the fact that if he couldn't accept me for all of me, then he probably wasn't who I was meant to be with anyway. :)

[willow]

Aww!! Thats awesome! Im glad things worked out for u!!!

*happy dance!*

[rainyfeather]

My first post here is to say congrats, and I am happy it worked out well for you.

[WCSDancer2010]

Awesomesauce!!! Thanks for the update, and congratulations! Happy that you made it through (TWICE!) . He sounds like a real keeper :)