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Just had my first talk....

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I was diagnosed with HSV2 about 1.5 years ago. I was devastated at the time. I was in a monogamous relationship and completely uneducated about the herpes. I do know now that my bf at the time was aware he had it and did not disclose, not that it even matters at this point. We broke up about a year ago. Over the last year, I have gotten educated and worked thru the social stigma for myself however very few people in my life know. My closest cousin and one girlfriend. Just recently I finally started dating again. I met a guy who I really liked. We went on three dates and I could see it could be something that could grow, so I decided it was time to tell him. I was so scared. I told him and at first he handled it well. Said he just needed some time to process and to learn more about it. After a few hours, he called me back and asked me some questions. And that was it. Days passed and I never heard from him again. It was like the wound from my initial diagnosis was opened all over again. I feel shame. It feels so awful. It certainly won't discourage me from always being honest, but honestly, I don't think I even want to date again to not have to feel like this again. To start feeling those butterflies again only to come down with a sledgehammer when its time to let the person know. I am also very private so don't feel comfortable telling everyone right off the bat, especially when I am not even sure there is connection. Its just this sadness I feel. The tears flow freely. It does feel less like rejection, and more like acceptance, but I also feel anger. I don't even know who or what I am angry at, and saying I am angry makes me cry some more. Almost feel betrayed by my own body somehow. I know there are worse things and I do feel sometimes grateful for how the hsv has made me so much more open minded and compassionate. It is just experiencing the connection with someone and then all the sudden it changes just from sharing this little "imperfection", its just hard to deal with. Feeling alone. Thought I would give this a shot.

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Hi Lisi,

Welcome to the site. I think everyone will agree they have felt many of the things you are feeling /felt. It sounds like you have taken great steps to live with H. Acceptance by you and education are a wonderful way to move forward. Many other posts and links (sorry I don't have but Dancer may chime in with them) discuss "rejection". People are rejected for many reasons, maybe you don't want to date a smoker, differing views on issues, etc. Dancer will tell you H is your wingman. If a person isn't able to accept you with H then they aren't the right person. If they can't deal with a skin condition, can they deal with the more trying things in life think cancer? I know your sadness at having the guy not want to continue with the relationship, it happened to me too. You are at your most vulnerable and open and then nothing. It was hard to disclose and open up, but I knew in my heart I was being open and honest, his BIG loss. You are an awesome person and don't ever think less. It's okay to be mad, we all feel that some days, part of continued processing and growing as a person. ☺

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@dreamingofsomeone167 said most of what i would say!

Yup good ol forum mom will have plenty of super helpfull links!!!


Remember, at least you tried to inform him. I mean maybe he googled it? (Btw, google IS the devil espexially when u type in herpes cuz it shows worse case sinarios of pll who have other health concerns)


And i dont doubt for a single sexond u felt a connection with him, but at the same time, maybe he just wanted in your pants, and didnt want to risk h?


Heres a couple links for now that will help!





http://supporttruthanddialog.com/ (@WCSDancer2010 's blog)

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Hello and Welcome!


@inka is right - ... rule #1- don't let them research on their own. Google may have brought you here but somehow it seems to send most prospective partners to the ugliest, scariest places in the ether world :p I'll be attaching some links below for you for future use - Adrial has made some kick-ass handouts and a great e-book that are really useful both for your knowledge and for handing out to prospective partners.


And all the postings about rejection/deal breakers are spot on. Herpes is just one more possible deal breaker in a HUGE list of why someone may choose to not continue seeing you. Some are in our control to change and some are not. It doesn't matter if someone walks away because they can't stand the green nail polish you love, or because you have kids, that you are a Yankees fan, or that you have some disease/deformity/whatever. IT'S JUST A DEAL BREAKER FOR THEM AND IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING ABOUT YOU! It's about them and *their incapacity* to live with something that is a part of you.


Yes - as @dreaming said, I tell people all the time that Herpes is your Wingman. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. I'll post links below that will help you understand this point of view ;)


And yes ... Rejection SUCKS (I'm dealing with a guy who is unwittingly triggering my abandonment buttons, which isn't exactly the same but it's in the same boat). But remember it's just a FEELING/EMOTION that is an automatic response to not being accepted for who you are.... Again - will post links to help you see this, but the abridged version is that when we lived in caves and were dodging Saber Toothed Tigers and fighting off the tribe in the next hollow, being rejected/abandoned was certain death... so you would do what you had to in order to be accepted and not be thrown out of the group, including following rules and customs that we "modern" people would say are barbaric.... but the FEAR and AUTOMATIC PHYSICAL RESPONSE to that fear is still with us today and is STILL used by groups like the Amish to keep control of their people (aks Shunning).


I know there are worse things and I do feel sometimes grateful for how the hsv has made me so much more open minded and compassionate.


THIS is one of the "side effects" that you don't see listed when you look up Herpes, but it's a very common one that I think is very important for people to hear and understand. That's why Adrial started the Herpes Opportunity website and forum.... because there are MANY good things that can come from having this virus. The key is to being open to them and focusing your attention on THAT and not the fear, shame, and other "stinkin thinkin" as @Adrial calls it that we are soooo good at focusing on as human beings ;)




Handouts + disclosure e-book:





http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )





http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)



http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2646/how-herpes-made-me-a-better-person inka



Herpes facts video





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Wow. Thank you so much, everyone. Your kinds words really help so much. I am going to read them over and over again. :) You guys are rock stars, truly. To see others living such authentic and honest lives really touches me, helps and inspires to shake off this silly shame. I am so grateful google did lead me here. I am hoping there will be a Opportunity Weekend soon.... I haven't told my closest girl friends or family. They are asking what happen with "the guy" and I just said it didn't work out. Funny I was just with my dad and step-mom The issue of teen pregnancy came up, and they said there are worse things...like catching a lifelong disease. I sat in silence feeling so tormented inside when they said it. What are your thoughts on sharing this with friends and family? Till now I have been thinking I am the only one who needs to come to terms with it and support myself. Don't like not being completely open about my life but not sure there is a benefit otherwise in sharing, for me or them. Sorry if this sounds silly, I know its just part of the process and interested in hearing your experience with this...

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im with inka, its probably the more heinous diseases they mean. you don't tell your family EVERYTHING do you? so why would you this? if you want its your choice. I haven't told mine because my mother suffers from depression and things that affect her kids really get to her. I have no doubt that beyond the depression she would otherwise be supportive.

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I didnt mean to tell my parents, i kinda just blurted it out in a horrid rampage scream/cry.

Mom was supportive, gave me a big hug, (i pushed away tho cuz i felt so "dirty")

She is still super supportive.

as for dad... poor guy thought i could have got it from a toilet seat, and then asked me if i could pass it to the fam... that deffinatly made me cry. But i showed mom adrials herpes facts video (posted above) and i think she shared wih my dad what she had learned from it.

now i can always openly talk to my sister she is the one who informed me its not a big deal cuz she knew someone who has it as well and theyre just fine.

so as of today (9 months later) i can talk to my sis and mom. Mom usually brings it up first with questions, and my dad doesnt like talking about it still, but hes never been judgemental, and asks me about hos buddy who gets coldsores, and asks about shingles (which he had maybe last year)

U dont have to tell them, but i think it could be helpfull for them to get educated, and then ud have more people to support u who understand the situation.

choice is yours for once!

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Hi Lisi,


I was just diagnosed last week and only told two very close best friends who I knew I could trust and who would support me. I chose not to tell my family, since it's not life-threatening and there is really no point. I figure later if I change my mind, I can let them know at any point. Honestly though, telling my friends has been really helpful. 1- I'm going to have to tell a partner at some point some day, and so to me this was a first step, but with people who were open to love me regardless. 2- I also wanted to pass on the information. I was so in the dark about herpes until I really started reading and they were equally shocked when I started educating them on the facts. If my experience saves them from contracting it, then that's a good thing. 3- just telling someone out loud, and having someone to talk to about it when things are not so sunny or uplifting is freeing. Not everyone needs to know, but if you have one or two close, trustworthy friends, then it might be worth considering. Even if you don't, this a great forum with plenty information and compassionate and supportive people all going through the same experiences.

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Who you tell is totally up to you. One thing that IS important is that you have a person or two in your life that you can talk to about it who you trust - whether it's family or friend doesn't matter. But many people find that one of the things that helps them to move forward is finding that the other person still loves them exactly as they are and doesn't see them any differently .. AND often knows others who have it ;)


Also, it's a great way to practice your disclosure ... becoming comfortable with talking to others about it. It's a "safe" place to do it.... ;)

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