Trying to heal

[sunshinegal]

Hello,

 

My herpes story...just typing those words makes me cringe inside. I had been married for about 9 years, divorced when he decided he didn't want to have kids. After that, I would only date guys who said they wanted to have kids. About 3 years later, (April 2013) I met the man who would change my life forever. He said he wanted to have kids. He lied and gave me herpes instead. He didn't tell me he had it and had unprotected sex with me. When I developed what I thougth was a yeast infection or a ingrown hair a week later and I told him I was going to go to the doctor to get medicine, he informed me he had HSV 2. He had previously infected his gf before me and that is how he knew.

 

I went into the doctor in complete denial. This wouldn't happen to me. I was the "good girl". My doctor (who I have been seeing for 5 years) didn't even need to swab. She just looked at me and apoligized. At that moment, my entire world fell apart. When I called him to tell him the results, he started to cry and somehow, I ended up taking care of him, which was to be the story of the next 2 months until he cheated on me with another woman.

 

Since then, I have been trying to figure out how to handle my emotions. I am on the anitvirals everyday and have had about 5 outbreaks since the initial 3 which darn near did me in. I told everyone I had the flu and stayed home, hiding in my apartment, because how do you tell the world you were stupid and should've known better?

 

I now have told 5 of my closest friends and am dating (for over a year) an incredibly understanding guy but who hasn't had sex with me, no matter how many stats I give him. i spend most of my days being able to forget my life will forever be different but every now and then, something will happen (a joke about herpes will be made) and I die inside all over again.

 

I feel alone and isolated. I try to talk to my guy about it but it is so hard because I am still so ashamed. While I know it was the guy's responsibility to have told me he had herpes, why didn't I insist he put a condom on (even though I now know it wouldn't really had made a difference)? How much of this is my fault?

 

Thank you for your time.

[seeker]

not a bit is your fault. he knew so he had a reasonability to disclose. he took your choice away. I got mine from someone who didn't disclose but I don't know if they knew. and I was using condoms so don't fret over that part.

 

now then breathe. you are not alone. you can come here to vent, cry and ask questions.

 

as a man I feel he did 2 things wrong, first not disclosing but also, and its what helped him manipulate the situation, was to play on your emotions where kids are concerned. I cant have anymore children (vasectomy per desire of my now ex wife because SHE didn't want anymore) yet would if I met someone who wanted one so this kind of burns me up on a personal level.

 

um some clarification, a year and nothing sexual or no intercourse? if your guy cares and is understanding then he should be open to at least some form of sexual intimacy, there other things than intercourse and with antivirals, knowing your body and condoms his risk isn't any better than catching it with anyone else. especially someone who doesn't know.

[willow]

I agree with @seeker, i mean ya u could have askrd for a condom, but he * should have told you!

And wtf! No sex, and uve been dating for over a year!? Girl c'mon! I mean im newly diagnosed, and still learning every day, but.. if u want sex, .. and your on supressive meds, his chances of getting it are almost 2%. Theres a 2% chance of him getting in a car accident in a year....

 

Heres some links that may help u with the jokes..

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/herpes-jokes-getting-the-last-laugh/ ( @WCSDancer2010)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3877/fear-and-power#Item_4 (me)

[seeker]

sigh, as an H+ man who had a hard enough time asking women out pre diagnosis, this bothers me.

[LookingForAlaska]

@sunshinegal, you asked how much of this was your fault? The answer is NONE OF IT. I acquired this little gift in much the same way. I got sick, asked him how I could have an STD if he hadn't been with anyone, he denied it, and thru a weird set of fluke-ish circumstances I found out he had cheated, which he denied again. My first red flag was that he didn't ask me what I had until nearly 48 hrs after I told him I had "something." Because he didn't have to, because he already knew. It wasn't until I refused to talk to him that he finally fessed up to the cheating, and it wasn't until after that when he said that a girl he was with a while ago had told him after they had been

sleeping together that she had H but had been taking suppressive therapy daily for some time. Yeah, I don't think so. Other than having feelings for someone, like you did, I didn't do anything wrong. Should I have insisted on condoms? Maybe. But when we made decisions based on the information we were given, and that info was at best inaccurate and at worse deliberately misleading. Beating yourself up doesn't do anything productive.

Aaannnnd, I'm just going to take a shot in the dark here, but do you think maybe you're staying with this guy because you find him accepting, even though he's really not giving you what you want in a relationship? Because it's "safe?" I'm only asking bc I've done the same thing. I stayed with that guy. We broke up, he was profoundly sorry, has tried every day to make it up to me, but regardless of my feelings, if I'm being all honest I know there's a part of me that stuck around so that I don't have to be "out there," don't have to disclose, don't have to deal. So, yeah, this is a complete "do as I say, not as I do," thing, but maybe my bad decisions can benefit you.

[WCSDancer2010]

@sunshinegal

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

I feel alone and isolated.

 

Well, you are not alone any more. You found the perfect place and you are with people who understand where you are at.

 

You are in the early days still.... and it doesn't help that the guy who gave it to you did so knowing full well what his status was..... but in time you will just have to let go of the "shoulda, woulda, coulda's". They won't serve you to keep worrying about what you might have done differently.

 

I have to say I'm also concerned about the man you are with now. It sounds like you would like to become physical and he's holding back because of fear of getting it? If that is the case, odds are at this point that much as me might *like* to be ok with your status, his own fears/phobias may just have too much of a grip on him. Please... if you are staying with the belief that he's the best you will get, move on for BOTH of your sake. We have a ton of Success Stories on here (just hit 100 in that category!) ... and I can tell you that we have far more of them than unsuccessful ones. There's a man who will love you no matter what and your status will not matter to him...promise ;)

 

Glad you found us.... come back as much as you need for support :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[sunshinegal]

Thank you all so much for the love and support!!!

 

It feels so nice to have finally found somewhere that understands what this is like AND to find others who have gone through similar, if I may, horrors.

 

The guy who gave me this....it just kills me he is still around. And dating. We met online and there has been a part of me that wants to warn all the women...I know he is dating as I live in an incredibly small community...and if it werent for the fact he has two daughters (who I fell more in love with than with him), I probably would have made a bigger deal.

 

The worst part, as if there really is just one part, is I haven't told my family and, while they are happy we arent together, when I start to talk about him, say he wasn't that bad of a guy, just the wrong guy for me....and I want to tell them how he hurt and ruined me...but I can't...

 

As far as the guy I am with currently, we do do other things but none of the actual intercourse. He also has his share of sexual issues. I am still with him, not because I am scared of not finding acceptance, but because he gets me in a way no one else has. He has had a vasectomy (but has expressed he would want more kids) but with my diagnosis, I am not even sure that I want kids anymore. It seems like it would be so much work and fear around passing it onto my baby is terrifying to me.

 

@seeker, thank you for the male perspective. I really appreciate it.

 

@willow, @LookingForAlaska, and @WCSDancer2010, I am really glad to be here and for your support... Thank you!! *hug*

[WCSDancer2010]

I am still with him, not because I am scared of not finding acceptance, but because he gets me in a way no one else has.

 

Good .. glad to hear that because far too many will stay with someone just to feel accepted ...

 

I am not even sure that I want kids anymore. It seems like it would be so much work and fear around passing it onto my baby is terrifying to me.

 

First - I have 2 beautiful daughters in their 20's - I've had H for 35 yrs to they were both born after I got it. One was by Cesarean because the Dr scared me into it ... (found out later it wasn't necessary as I wasn't having an OB) ... Managed to fight to get a new Dr (in the UK, where I was living at the time, you can't just change that easily) and he said "Shame a strapping great lass like you having a 'section the first time around!" (I *think* that was a compliment...LOL) and I had my second naturally... and this was before Valtrex. Nowadays they would suggest you go on the anti-virals for the last month as an insurance policy to keep you from having an OB around the time you go in labor. The most "dangerous" time for babies is if their mother acquired the virus during pregnancy because Mom hasn't built the antibodies to pass to the baby to help protect them from the virus if there are a few hanging around during the birth. Given how long you have had this, well, you should be JUST FINE! Oh - and in all that time (without the fear mongering we have today to make everything antiseptic and prophylactic for our kids), I shared towels and kissed them (I have H1 orally too since I was 4) ... just not when I had a cold sore! ... loved on them, shared baths with them, and they never got it. So please don't deny that for yourself if it's what you want.

 

As for the family ... well, if you TRUST them .... if you know they love you unconditionally and are not the kind to jump to judgement ... then why wouldn't you tell them? They know you were in a committed relationship so they should only want to support you .... there's not even the "careless" card to be thrown in there (that wouldn't be on the table anyway if people truly live you unconditionally ;) ). Perhaps find one member that you really trust and tell them ... then at least you will have one who can quietly support you when the rest are telling you he just wasn't for you, blah blah blah......

 

You have nothing to be ashamed of ... check these links out ...

 

http://www.upworthy.com/a-4-year-old-girl-asked-a-lesbian-if-shes-a-boy-she-responded-the-awesomest-way-possible Ash Beckhams Closet Ted Talk

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3546/watch-this-now-the-prison-of-your-mind- Sean Stephenson Prison Ted Talk

 

 

Kirsty Spraggon Ted Talk “You are only as Sick as Your Secrets