How to disclose to someone half way across the world?!

[rutheyb2030]

I recently met a man here in the states that is from Australia. While he was here, we became intimate not knowing that I had genital herpes (very recently diagnosed). I was already planning to move to Australia before I met him, and have since boughten a plane ticket (my move date was moved up after meeting him) We both felt a connection we have never felt before. We plan on having a go at a relationship when I arrive. I don't head off for another 3 three months and am struggling on when to tell him and of course how to tell him. Do I tell him now? Do I wait till I get there? And if I do decide to tell him now, whats the best way to do it? Skype session, over the phone etc?? Would love any advice you may have!

 

Thank you so much!

 

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hey Rutheyb2030,

 

I was recently in a similar position, but the guy was coming to meet me for the first time, so we had not been intimate yet. I decided to disclose right away over skype, since 1- I trusted him, we had a very strong connection, 2 - I respected him and he deserved to know and make his own decision about whether or not he would want to assume any risk. I always believe in "treat others as you want to be treated" and so felt it was the right thing to do. Considering you have already slept with him, I think it's even more critical that you find the courage to let him know what's going on. There are tons of great resources on this site on how to disclose, and surely someone will send you the links, but I think if you want to start this relationship on the right foot, with honesty and compassion, then you should definitely tell him. The outcome of my confession wasn't exactly what I had wanted, and it was very difficult for me to accept, but in the end, and in hindsight, it was just another stepping stone in my journey. But don't expect the worst or think negatively about the potential outcome. There are tons of success stories on here that will show you just how supportive and wonderful and compassionate some partners can be when faced with this information. Be brave, find your courage and choose your words carefully to show him that you are an honest and caring person, and that you are putting his best interest first in being so vulnerable and forthcoming. Isn't that how any great lasting relationship should start anyways? I hope this helps a bit, and I wish you all the best with your disclosure. - "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

[WCSDancer2010]

@rutheyb2030

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Ok ... first @PositivelyBeautiful ... what a Positively Beautiful response!!! Spot on!

 

So @ruthey ..

 

Quick inquiry. You met this guy and got intimate. When was your diagnosis? Before or after that time? I'm assuming after from what you said ... if so, how long after you met him, and how were you diagnosed? Swab or Blood test? Did they tell you the results numbers? ("Positive" is considered over 1.1 but there are a lot of false positives between 1.1 and 3.5) If the numbers are over 3.5, then you have likely had it over 4-6 months. If it was by a swab and no blood test then there's a good chance you just got it and it's very possible you got it from HIM. So knowing these things will help you to know how to approach him.

 

I would definitely try to talk on Skype. Being able to see each other's facial expressions will help you to be honest and vulnerable and you will see who HE is in the process.

 

This is what I tell people about disclosure:

 

Let them know you have something personal to share, and that you are doing so because you have got to a point where you feel you can entrust them with this information.

 

Also let them know that you want to start with honesty and openness, and that you need to share this with them because you care for them and this is something that has the potential to affect them, and that you need to discuss it now because you feel the relationship is moving towards sexual intimacy and you want to put this on the table before that happens.

 

Be confident in yourself and your knowledge of the facts... or at least have the handouts with you so you can refer to them and give them to your partner to take home and use for reference.

 

Make sure to direct them to places like this site, my blog, the CDC's site, Westover Heights and other trusted, RELIABLE sources ... direct them AWAY from Google images and the Yahoo groups where all the Debbie Downers hang out.

 

Give them permission after to take as much time to research and consider their response.

 

Whatever happens, don't take anything they say or do personally if it's negative. Odds are, it's their ignorance (because we all know that the education about H is pretty pathetic) or their fear of something marring them in some way (very possible if they are OCD/hypochondriac/anxious).

 

You can also point out that the risk of getting H from someone who KNOWS they have Herpes is far less than most of the population because 80% of people with H don't know they have it ...and that the vast majority of cases are from asymptomatic carriers or people who have been led to believe that they can't pass it on without an OB and thus don't need to tell a partner as long as they don't engage in sex during an OB.

 

Make sure that you don't wait till the clothes are off to tell someone either (and it happens all too often!) because that is how poor decisions are made then the person has regrets AND is scared silly ... rather than making a well thought out choice to be with you.

 

Approach it with confidence and a trust that it will work out as it is meant to..... because that really is all you can do anyway

 

Also download the e-book on disclosure and the handouts. Great place to start with getting your mind wrapped around how the talk can actually bring you closer instead of driving them away.

 

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Herpes facts video

 

[rutheyb2030]

@positvelybeautiful,

 

Thank you so much for your response and kind words. It's comforting knowing that there is someone at there who had a similar situation as I do now. I just happened to stumble upon this website after researching my very new diagnosis and my outlook on everything has gone from "my life is over!" to "I can totally do this!" He's a great guy and definitely worth allowing myself to become totally vulnerable. Whether or not he's up for a romantic relationship with me or not, and whether a friendship continues or not...The fact that I am moving to Australia to work, play and travel is beyond exciting and I won't let this little hiccup stop me from enjoying every second of my adventure!

 

@WCSDancer2010

 

Thank you for your response! Before I posted my question I saw many of your responses to others in need of advice. It really is so helpful....so keep doing what you're doing! : )

 

My whole experience of being tested was a horrible one. I had a very very painful outbreak and couldn't see my regular Dr. The Dr. who saw me (a woman) did not offer me any kind of comfort what so ever. She did not give me any information or educate me in any way of about my possible diagnosis. "yep, that looks like herpes" pretty much sums up my appt. So to answer your question it was a swab test. And whether it was HSV-1 or HSV-2 I have no idea. All I was told is that it was positive. Thats it!

 

Is that something I can call the lab for to get that info? Or do they specifically have to be told before hand to test for whether it's HSV-1 or HSV-2? After reading and educating myself I realize that this information is very helpful to know.

[WCSDancer2010]

The swab test *should* be type specific ... so yes, call the lab and ask for a copy of your results ...

 

And sorry about your experience with the Dr. Sadly this is all too common and we are hoping to change that here (educate Dr's about a better way to give the diagnosis and help them understand how 5 minutes of their time can make the difference for how someone deals with the diagnosis) .... but we have a few other things in the pipeline first to deal with :)

[Wakeskater]

Hi all!! New to the site and first time post. I'm posting here because it relates to my current situation. I was diagnosed with HSV 1 Genitals shortly after vacation over the 4th of July 2014. No sexual activity happened there but the last was with my ex 6 weeks earlier. Beside the point. I've met a woman online (She is in NYC and I in Atlanta) and have built what I would consider a strong and interesting relationship and have made plans for us to meet. I'm interested in peoples advice on when to tell her. I have chalked it up to face to face as we're not sure where this is headed. Who knows? We could just not click in person and if that's the case I feel no need to tell her as I'm not out just looking for a fling or one night stand. So any advice on how to disclose, whether it's, Phone, text, Facetime, messenger, or Face to Face? Thank you in advance for any advice as it will be greatly appreciated.

[forgivenessandpeace]

I have chalked it up to face to face as we're not sure where this is headed. Who knows? We could just not click in person and if that's the case I feel no need to tell her

 

Looks like you've answered your own question @Wakeskater :)

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@Wakeskater

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

IMO a lot has to do with how far is "long distance" and thus the cost (both time and money) for one of you to meet the other ... ESPECIALLY if the H- person is coming to you.

 

If you are going to eventually go to meet her, then face to face is perfect. Just make sure she isn't expecting you to jump straight into bed with her as soon as you arrive ;) ... tell her you want to spend at least a little time getting to know HER before you go there.

 

If she is coming to you, then I would tell her via Skype or some way where you can actually see each other. It's only fair if the other person is taking time off work and paying for a flight or taking the time to drive to where you are.

 

(((HUGS)))