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Drunken one night stand and didn't disclose. What do I do now?

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On the weekend I was drunk and acted out of character and irresponsibly. I'm now not sure what to do.


I have herpes. I contracted it 6 months ago. On Friday night I slept with someone and didn't disclose to her before hand that I have Herpes. I was really drunk and just didn't even think about it. When I initially contracted Herpes I was angry, upset, etc. but I soon came to terms with it and entered a relationship shortly after where she really didn't care about my Herpes. I've never experience any severe symptoms and to our knowledge never infected my ex girlfriend. My initial outbreak was one small bump on the pubic area. I occasionally have tingling/burning but no visible symptoms.


The girl on Friday was also drunk. She actually was telling me to go ahead without a condom, saying that she's on birth control. Since contracting Herpes I am careful, so I insisted her use a condom. Unfortunately it broke at the tip (always do!) but I stopped as soon as I realised what had happened. We didn't continue as we didn't have another.


I met this girl on Friday. She's a friend of a friend. She lives a few hours drive away. I have her phone number, but I don't really know her. She's contacted me a few times since the weekend, but my replies have been short as I feel guilty and shame regarding my actions.


I don't know what the chances of her catching it off me are. I don't know whether to tell her retrospectively. If I did, it would be best to do it face to face, but that's not really possible. It was just a one night stand and I don't think either of us plan to take it any further.


I want to be honest with her but I also don't want to panic her. The chances are that I wouldn't have given it to her. She could have it already. She wanted to sleep together unprotected so she didn't act responsibly either. For all I know, I could have caught something off of her. We were both very drunk. I know the right and moral thing to do is to tell her, but I am not sure whether that would do more damage then good…


I would not be in this situation if I wasn't drunk at the time. I am not sure how best to proceed from here. She's a nice girl and deserves to have been told before sleeping with her.


Has anyone else been in a similar situation and if so, what do you suggest?


I could call her, email, but I am nervous she'll start panicking and talking to our mutual friends. I don't really want everyone to know I have herpes and I don't want her freaking out about it.


I know I need to be more responsible when drinking. When I first got it I swore to myself I would never sleep with anyone without disclosing but because I've never suffered badly and never been rejected after disclosing I pretty much just forgot about it.

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We all make mistakes, so forgive yourself for being irresponsible, but I think you know what the right thing to do is... We all have to own up sometimes, admit when we are wrong and make our wrongs right. Ask yourself, if the tables were turned, what would you want that other person to do? There is a chance that she did not contract anything. Also, this is an opportunity for you to share the knowledge and dispel the stigma... spread education about herpes, not fear. Finally, who's to say she doesn't already have it? When was the last time she got tested? There could be concerns on your end for other STDs if the condom broke. Perhaps, approach it as a mature adult, having a mature conversation about some unfortunate circumstances. There is a chance she might talk, yes. But at least you can walk away knowing your virtues of honesty, courage and respect are in tact and thriving. That speaks volumes about your character, so trust in that no matter the outcome. How to have this conversation? Person-to-person would probably be ideal, but any way that you can, would be a step in the right direction. I hope you find your courage, sending all kinds of positive vibes your way!

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Hello and Welcome!


This question is more common than you may even begin to imagine ;)


As @Beautiful said (And she said everything I would have said) , we've all made mistakes and alcohol has a way of making people do stupid things that they regret later. And she is right about how would you want to be treated if the tables were turned.


She's also right about using this as a way to educate and dispel the stigma ... how you go about it may help her to become more careful in the future ;)


So - I would call her, let her know that while you enjoyed the evening, that you usually don't get that trashed beforehand because you know that alcohol makes people make irresponsible decisions, like not talking about STD's. See how she reacts to that first. If she says she's had a recent test and is STD Free, you may want to ask if she knows for sure if she had a Herpes test ... because it's not usually in the screening. If she knows she was tested and is negative, then you will want to tell her your status, the fact that you insisted on the condom because you always do but in your inebriated state you forgot about your H status because it really doesn't affect your life. I would be more worried for you than for her as far as the broken condom ... if your OB's are on the pubic area, the condom won't be of any use as far as covering that area anyway. Anyhow, let her know that you are currently not having any symptoms and that while the risk is pretty low that she would get it from you, you felt she deserved to know. You can offer to send her the handouts from here and the video (links below) to get her some accurate info and tell her to be VERY careful if she decides to search Google because the top images are mostly worst case scenarios in people with no immune system and you can tell her your OB's are tiny and very intermittent. Tell her she can come on here and ask questions too. And let her know that while she may be on birth control, she really needs to insist on condoms in the future and that you are saying that from a caring place.....


Will you risk her telling people... yes... but to get back into integrity (as I believe you want to), it's a risk you will just have to face. To be honest, if she has any sense she will keep her mouth shut as there will be people who will brand her as loose or careless if she starts telling everyone about her drunken one night stand (even those who have done the same thing themselves :( ) so I'm guessing you should be reasonably safe.


Hope this helps a bit.... (((HUGS)))


Handouts + disclosure e-book:



Herpes facts video



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