Just Tested Positive. Can We Jumpstart the Healing Process?

[OneBadYear]

I've spent the past week reading posts from all of you, and it's helped a lot. Not to say I haven't cried my eyes out at least once a day, but I can see something that resembles a future by reading all your amazing stories.

 

My wife and I separated early this year, and she went through with the divorce a couple of months ago. We were married for 9 years, and started dating right out of high school. After she told me she went through with the divorce, I completely lost it emotionally. I had stuck around town, instead of moving closer to family (we moved away years ago), in hopes we could work it out. We were a strong loving couple once. She apparently did not, or could not, continue working on our marriage.

 

I was depressed, and had no idea what to do. I made the idiotic decision to bury myself in alcohol, until one night I slept with a stranger. It was my first one night stand ever. Soon after, I started feeling ill. Feverish. I panicked. Reading online (which is terrifying) I KNEW I had contracted an STD. Though, I didn't know which one.

 

I took the full panel at a nearby clinic. Something I never thought I'd have to do. At that time I didn't even know Herpes wasn't on a standard panel (WTF!). It was on mine, and was the last thing I thought would show up positive. But sure enough: HSV-1 in big bold letters. Though, my reading was only 0.94 (not quite positive, but still up there), I know now I tested a bit too early. I'm going to hang back and test again in another month or so, but I know the number will just go up.

 

Since then, I haven't had an outbreak. No red bumps or blisters, though I have had some tingles and warmness down below. At first I hoped it was HSV-1 oral. I could explain that easier. But now I'm just planing on waking up one morning to a surprise from down under.

 

So now I'm 32, freshly divorced, and I have contracted an STD on my first excursion out. One I can never get rid of. I know from reading - and reading - forums and articles, HSV isn't the end of the world. I don't have to really worry about any major medical issues. I might be lucky enough to not have to experience the OB a lot of H+ people do. It's the thought of having to tell someone someday is killing me. The thought that the next girl I really like, or love, will have to hear me say, "I have Herpes". That kills me already.

 

And that's silly anyways, because despite my recent sexploit, I am not ready for any type of relationship. I still love my (ex)wife. I feel like I've cheated on her, though she divorced me months ago. This guilt makes it all the worse. I use to call her and text her. Trying to work this out still. I haven't since I found out, except to tell her I'm leaving for good. It feels like the divorce is happening all over again. And I feel so stupid.

 

Anyway, I don't know why I've written all of this. I guess I wanted to thank you for the stories. Thanks for the future support. And maybe if you have any advice on what to do, or where to go from here (with either getting the BIG H or the Big D), I'd really appreciate it.

 

As for now, I'm moving back home soon. I didn't get to keep my wife, and I rather spend my free time with family. Hopefully that'll help.

 

Thanks guys and gals.

 

[forgivenessandpeace]

@OneBadYear Oh my gosh you have SOOOO much to grieve I don't know how you can even type straight, yet your spelling and grammar are frickin' perfect, haha. All is not lost!

 

I have no words to even begin to address your pain but you've taken the first steps through it by posting this^^^. So let me step right through the interwebs and give you and your HSV divorced self a HUGE, WARM & LOVING EMBRACE for I am you, too.

[OneBadYear]

@forgivenessandpeace, thank you. Thank you. Just admitting all this online, and having someone acknowledge me, has brought tears to my eyes. This kind of warmness and welcoming is what I read on other posts, and it's what I wanted to feel. I wanted to feel accepted. Thank you for that.

 

I accept your embrace, and return it. Thank you.

[WCSDancer2010]

I have contracted an STD on my first excursion out.

 

Join the club friend... you are FAR from alone there. I got H2 from my VERY FIRST sexual experience at 17 ... and I've had Oral HSV1 since I was 4 (60% of all kids get H by the time they are young adults .. mostly from other kids glomming on shared cups) So I almost don't know what it's like to live without it. :P

 

Moving back home is probably a good thing for you right now ... sounds like you need space from your ex and some loving support from your family.

 

Don't worry about the disclosure stuff right now ... take care of YOU for now. When the time comes, we can help you through it ... in the meantime hang around and ask for help when you need it.

 

I'm going to give you a few links to check out ... they may help you work through some of the conflicts in your mind ....

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[OneBadYear]

Thank you, @WCSDancer2010. I appreciate you reaching out and sending me the links. That's the plan: Take care of myself. Something I've clearly not been doing this year.

 

I'll be sure to reach out if, and when, I need some help or support. I had no idea about any of this until last week. I feel like I'm incredibly lucky to have found this support group and website so early.

 

Thank you.

[WCSDancer2010]

Yeah - it certainly helps a lot for people to get support early on. Glad to help......

 

(((HUGS)))

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hey OneBadYear,

 

First of all, opening up about all of this is really the first step to healing, so you are on the right track, and kudos for having the courage to divulge. Everyone on this forum has felt the emotions you are living through in some form or another, and we are all here to support you. The more time goes on, the better you will feel about everything. When I was diagnosed a few weeks ago, I came to realize that perhaps this was just life's way of telling me something needed to change... I knew before being diagnosed, but often reverted back to old patterns which led me no where fast. I would like to think that herpes forces us to alter the things in our lives that we probably weren't dealing with properly. When I read your story, it appears that you ex-wife was not interested in working on the relationship for a while, but you were clinging to hope... and I don't blame you. However, herpes has in a way forced you to move on, to heal, to be closer to those you love. I'm not implying that this is what was necessary... no one wants herpes, but we have it... so where's the silver lining? How will/can this impact our lives positively? When you do have to tell another woman you like or love that you have herpes, know that if she is the right woman, she will embrace you with open arms, and accept you in your entirety, fully aware she is accepting and loving you, not an at-times-inconvenient skin condition. Here's a quote that rang true to me during the first week of my diagnosis. I hope this helps you just a little bit... Stay strong, and stay positive, and enjoy the 'YOU' time. The best kind of love is self-love.

 

"If someone prays for patience do you think god gives them patience or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?

If someone asks for courage does god give them courage or the opportunity to be courageous?

If someone prayed for family to be closer to one another does god zap them with warm fuzzy feelings?

Or does he give them the opportunity to love one another?"

[WCSDancer2010]

@Beautiful

 

I am SO glad to have you in our community .... you are a great addition and it's nice to have another "Positive" person on the boards :)

 

 

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Thanks Dancer!! Honestly, I love being part of this community. It's been eye-opening to see the love, compassion and support shared on this site from people all over the world, from different walks of life. If only more people would see THIS side of herpes... how it can transform lives in such deep and positive ways. It's almost as though the ugly stigma of herpes has a way of bringing out the beauty in the people who contract it, and it's reflected in every message of hope and encouragement on this site. Beyond providing real knowledge about the virus, this forum reminds me that there is so much goodness in this world. Thanks to Adrial for all his hard work and sacrifice in putting this together, and thanks to you too Dancer for your dedication and endless contribution (ps: sorry onebadyear for hijacking thing string a little...lol)

[OneBadYear]

@PositivelyBeautiful, no worries. You didn't hijack this at all. You gave me (and for anyone else who reads it) wonderful advice that I've dwelled on all day at work. And you're right!

 

Once I started thinking about what this meant for me, it didn't seem all that bad. Yes the OBs have the potential to be painful and/or bothersome (if I get them at all). Yes the future disclosure(s) will be awkward, scary, and I may be rejected. But really, after reading your post and others (looking at you @WCSDANCER100, because I see how H can be my wingman), H really could be a positive in my life.

 

I now have to seriously consider who I want to be a part of my life, in the most intimate way. It gives me the opportunity to move on from the hopes of rekindling a marriage that has been ended by someone who does not want to be with me. It made me look at all the dumb shit I've done and say, "Wow. I was lucky." A lot in my life needs to change. And I think I just got the kick in the ass to change them. So thank you for your words, and that wonderful quote.

 

You all are wonderful.

[WCSDancer2010]

THIS is why I come here every day - to see someone really "get" that H is not the end of the world, and to embrace the "opportunity" that it brings us, especially so early on in the process (many live with this for decades believing that their sexual life is over), is a beautiful thing. I'm smiling from ear to ear right now ;)

 

I now have to seriously consider who I want to be a part of my life, in the most intimate way. It gives me the opportunity to move on from the hopes of rekindling a marriage that has been ended by someone who does not want to be with me. It made me look at all the dumb shit I've done and say, "Wow. I was lucky." A lot in my life needs to change. And I think I just got the kick in the ass to change them.

 

I think you will identify with this conversation that was on here awhile back, and a couple others including a blog I wrote that was inspired by the first link:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2646/how-herpes-made-me-a-better-person

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/92/the-positive-side-of-being-herpes-positive

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/finding-your-authentic-self-with-herpes/

 

I think, based on what you just wrote, that you are on the verge of finding YOUR authentic self ... well done friend!

 

(((HUGS)))

[OneBadYear]

Thanks for the links! And the kind words. :)