Falling in love and fearing 'The herpes talk"

[VirgoGirl]

I know that the talk shouldnt be something I am so scared of, but I am. Its hard not to be.

 

So, the story...I met this wonderful man recently online, and we talked every day for almost 2 weeks. During this time, sex had been brought up into our conversations a couple times, so I told him I like to take things slow before I sleep with anyone. And he said he felt the same way too thankfully. So we decided that we should meet up and get to know each other better. He lives 2 hours away in a different city. I travelled to meet him last weekend and we instantly hit it off. there was such a connection between us, it was amazing. I spent the entire weekend with him. Kissing and such, but no sex (even though we both would have wanted to, the attraction towards each other is intense and mutual!)

 

He travelled back home and we continued talking all week. He mentioned that it would be good to wait a bit for sex. I told him, I couldnt agree more. He also mentioned that even though he enjoys having sex, its not the most important part of a relationship. All good things I wanted to hear from him.

 

This weekend we met up again. This time he travelled the 2 hours to come see me! Again, we hit it off like crazy! The connection and attraction between us is so strong, that we both can't deny it. We were talking at my place on Friday, and the conversation turned sexual once more. He was talking about condoms and how its important for him. And that not enough people talk about condoms anymore. He said they are good, not only to help prevent pregnancy, but also to stop the spread of diseases. I wanted to tell him then about my situation, but couldnt.

 

The next night, we made out a couple times, but again, no sex. But here's the good news: He mentioned last night that he's falling for me hard and that I am one of the most amazing people he's ever dated. And that he wanted to be my boyfriend. My heart raced hearing this from him because it's exactly how I feel too!

 

Now I am fearing having the talk with him. This is one of the most amazing men I have ever dated and he makes me feel so incredibly beautiful and special. He said I'm worth it to travel the 2 hours even if we can only see each other on weekends. He is a very non-judgemental guy and very open to communicating with me about things. i really feel i need to tell him soon now, especially since he's expressed that he wants to 'go steady' and not see anyone else. I feel like 'h' is a shadow hanging over my head when i am with him, but I am scared to tell him. i don't want to lose this awesome relationship with him, if i tell him and he may not accept it.

 

Falling in love and scared he wont want to be with me because of this. when should I talk to him? :(

[lively]

Virgo Girl you need to talk to him now. He has been honest and vulnerable with you, to have any relationship of value, you need to be willing to be the same. There's still no need to rush into sex just because you have strong attraction. Does he meet everything you want in a man? no harm taking the time to find out before you have sex.

 

However you are both getting involved emotionally and so it's now unfair to hold out, he has a right to know and you are simply procrastinating on the inevitable. We all have to accept that we cannot control the response of others. Your win will be that you told the truth with integrity and honoring of him and his health and his right to make his own choice.

 

I got caught on this myself, so I am very clear about it and wish someone had pointed it out to me. You have an illusion that putting it off will magically allow you to come up with some way of controlling his response. It won't.

 

However there is a powerful mindset to disclose herpes from, plus lots of less powerful ones. You must genuinely believe that herpes is a harmless skin condition, you must transcend your own shame or you will communicate that to him. Get clear on your stats, esp the 80% cold sore stat; the 1% chance per year of catching it if both condoms and meds are used; + especially the fact that you are disclosing now to protect his health, his right to choose, and the emotional peace of both of you. If you leave it any longer, now that he has indicated willingness to wait, use condoms and be exclusive with you, he may well feel manipulated.

 

If you cannot be peaceful about disclosing next time you see him, you must call Adrial for a coaching session immediately. It's too important for your self esteem to do anything else.

 

You also need to make yourself okay no matter what his reaction is. If there's one guy like that for you, there are more than one. Let go of thinking he's the only man who could ever love you; there are plenty! Whatever happens here, you will learn a lot. Be willing to value your learning over control, and you will be fine. Be willing to let him walk away if he chooses, and to thank him for showing you that you are still beautiful. Then you can open your heart to acceptance as a possibility with the next great guy you meet.

 

Big hug and best wishes to you Virgo Girl. Let us know how it goes.

 

 

[VirgoGirl]

Thank you for this response!

 

I am well aware of how beautiful I am despite this. And i do realize how important confidence is when disclosing, so I will do that when giving the talk. I have done lots of research on it, and know the stats so will inform him.

 

I know I need to tell him the next time I see him, especially since he has expressed he wants to be with just me. I have to let him know to be honest and communicate with him. He has a right to know.

 

Its hard to know when to tell him though. Should I travel 2 hours to see him, then tell him in person? Or would it be ok to tell him on the phone this week? Its so hard to know exactly when.

[lively]

That's your call. I'm a great believer in the golden rule: if your positions were reversed, would you be upset with a phone call rather than in person?

 

As I believe in sexual polarity, I would wait for him to arrange the next date, accept it, and tell him there is something you would like to discuss with him. You could tell him you want to do this before you go out, so if he comes to your place or a coffee shop near you, you can chat before the date. That way if he does want to withdraw to consider, or outright says he can't accept it, you are comfortable near home, and he has an easy exit. Better than being halfway through dinner! I would make sure there is a dedicated time for it.

 

Having said that, my last disclosure took 5 minutes max, and was over and accepted and he was talking about something else while my mind was still getting the stats ready! So you need to prepare for the talk in a way that covers both angles: that works if it goes well, and also if it doesn't.

 

Just my 2c worth. Also remember that if he says No thanks, he is STILL a great guy! He is entitled to choose whatever is authentic for him....and YOU will be fine, no matter what. Keep asking for support here.

[EssieL]

I agree with Lively about being comfortable near home. That way, if things were to go south (though hopefully they won't!!!), you wouldn't have to deal with a long drive home. That to me, is one of the hardest things.

 

I can see the pros and cons of disclosing over the phone. The nice part is that if things were to not go well, nobody wasted a trip to find that out. The downside, however, is that there is more room for misinterpretation on either end. For example, you might feel like he is rejecting you when in reality, he's just thinking...I have disclosed both ways and have found no real difference.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes!!

[mr_hopp]

Good middle ground: Skype.

[WhoopsiDaysi]

All the best VirgoGirl. Some great advice on here. Please let us know how it goes and I will send positive thoughts your way. It IS just a skin condition. If you had to tell him you had cold sores, how awful would it be? He'd probably look at you like you'd lost your mind. It's the same thing only a bit further south. It's a skin condition, not who you are. You will do well and, as has already been said, the rest is up to him. You cannot control how anyone reacts but I believe we all come together for a reason. You have seen what an awesome relationship looks like. If this one doesn't work out for whatever reason, you know it is possible and you are one guy closer to finding "The One". And maybe you are already there!! :)

[VirgoGirl]

Thank you everyone for responding to my dilemma.

 

I think it is good advice to explain in a safe spot. I really have no clue where our next date will be, like, If I am going to go visit him or if he's going to come here. I have a feeling I will be going there to see him. But I can tell him before we go out for the night, then go have a good time and not think to much into it.

 

I am who I am and he seems like one who is very open-minded to a lot of things. And I guess in the end, if he can't accept this small thing for some reason, then thats just the way it is. Hopefully that won't be the case though.

 

skype is also a good option as well, thanks Adrial! never thought about that :)

[VirgoGirl]

I think I am going to have to tell him tonight. I am not sure I can wait much longer, because I am thinking about this way to much and cant concentrate on anything else. I would like to tell him in person, but don't feel its fair to keep him waiting any longer ( It may be another 6 days before I see him and I may not even even see him this weekend at all).

 

So, over the phone, or skype would be the next best option.

Is it that bad to do it over the phone? in a case such as a long distance relationship like this?

[mr_hopp]

You can think of pros and cons to whatever you end up doing. It seems like you're getting super caught up in the details. ;) We won't have an absolute answer for you of which one is better for your specific situation. Whatever feels best for you is right for you. What matters is what feeling space YOU are coming from in the disclosure. Focus less on the in-person/phone thing and focus more on where you will be coming from in your heart when you do disclose. Either phone or in-person is a moot point when you're choosing to vulnerably disclose from your tender heart, coming from the knowing that you are whole and beautiful as you are.

[VirgoGirl]

I am getting way too caught up in the details, I know. Disclosing becomes much more difficult when its telling someone that you really like and can see a potential future with.

 

I think its better for me to tell him sooner because all this stress is detrimental to myself. I know he has a right to know and I would want someone to do the same for me as well.

 

I really wish I would have told him this weekend. Im regretting not doing that.

I would rather do it in person, than over the phone. I dont want to wait though.

 

I wish there were just right answers sometimes!

 

 

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

VirgoGirl,

 

Just do my username. :)

 

But seriously, you are over-thinking (says your Virgo sister who can think herself into a hole with the best of them) and this over-thinking is your tender heart's attempt to control the outcome. Breathe, baby...and let go of the outcome. You can't control what he is going to do and there is no magic combination of words or method...in person, on the phone, singing telegram, carrier pigeon...it isn't going to make or break your disclosure. You have all you need to move through this with grace and love.

 

Be straight and honest and vulnerable...and leave the outcome to God, the universe, whatever. Surrender. You have prepared yourself well, showed your strength by gathering support and resources for yourself, no matter the outcome. You are at the door of the plane. Jump. Trust the parachute you have packed will open. You will be okay. I know it's scary, sweetheart, but the only way you will know is to jump.

 

Everyone here is rooting for you, and we will be here on the ground cheering you on when you land...either way.

 

Kristin

aka breatheandletgo

 

P.S. Sometimes when I am anxious, I whisper the Serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

 

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

Wanted to add...

 

you said: I wish there were just right answers sometimes!

 

The right answer is the next right thing for you.

 

What is the next right thing for you to do? What will bring you peace? What will move you closer to being the person you want to be? What ACTIONS can you put to the words you are telling yourself about who you are.

 

That is so important, VirgoGirl. Actions are the antidote to despair. (said by the great philosopher Joan Baez)

 

Sometimes we have to act "as if" to become the rockstar goddess we want to be. We have to do what we think we cannot do to become someone who does that. So do it. DO it. I've read your posts and I think you are a rockstar goddess.

 

I believe in you.

[VirgoGirl]

Thank you so much Kristin! You have managed to find the complete right words for this situation.

 

the best thing, and right thing, for me to do , is to just DO IT! and breathe and let go, like your user name says. and your right, in the end, it really doesn't matter how I disclose, or where. it won't change the outcome or how he feels

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

Yes. Stay with yourself. This journey is about YOU, even though I can feel how much you care for him, and I understand you would be devastated to lose him...I so feel that with you.

 

But the next right thing for YOU is to take care of yourself. Not live in this anxious state of unknowing.

 

I just want you to know I am holding you close to my heart this very minute and willing my strength to you. You deserve love and compassion and everything good the world has for you...and it is yours for the taking.

 

Being brave is how you become brave. You are becoming!

 

much love,

Kristin

 

[dimples88]

VirgoGirl,

 

I am going through the same exact situation, however I plan to disclose to an ex who lives 3 hours way. You would think it would be easier since I have a history with him, but it’s not. I have been tormenting myself with when I should tell him and how. I decided to write a letter with everything I want to say and been practicing the conversation in my head. I plan to disclose in a few weeks, but still not sure how to approach him.

 

I think since he has expressed a sincere interest you should disclose ASAP, so the feelings to not get any deeper if he does not accept the H. However, being in a long distance for 4 years, I recommend you also take this into consideration. Long distance relationships are very difficult to manage, but doable. Make sure this individual will have the time to be in a relationship and willing to travel. You both need to visit each other equally. If both of you always have weekends and holiday off than this can work out beautiful. :-)

 

Best of luck, and keep us posted.

 

[mr_hopp]

Might I suggest you two hop on Skype together and practice your disclosures? That's the best way to do it. And I'm available for coaching if that suits you. You got options!

[VirgoGirl]

Thanks everybody!

 

I still have yet to disclose..I may see him this weekend and if thats the case, it will be done this weekend in person for sure..

 

I find skype sort of intimidating! lol. I skyped once with a friend, and our computers kept freezing and it was sort of awkward...so I wouldnt want that to happen if I was in the middle of saying something important..

 

I have been extremely anxious though and have been breaking out in hives over this...I know this is not good as stress can lead to more outbreaks as well, so yes, I do need to disclose to him asap. I feel like I am being dishonest with him when he has been truly open with me about himself.

 

My goal is by the end of this weekend when it feels right in the conversation..He keeps talking about how amazing and sweet I am and how much he'll care for me..so why i am so scared??

 

I know I'm awesome :)

[WhoopsiDaysi]

VirgoGirl you ARE awesome and the fact that this is stressing out so much is a testament to how awesome you are. You are a woman of integrity and honesty and you have the capacity to care deeply. There is a risk to all of this and I get that feeling you may have - the more he tells you how amazing you are, the worse you feel. I know when I am in a similar situation I end up feeling like a fraud everytime I hear it and it just ramps up my stress level about disclosing. At the end of the day, this is a simple skin condition and it doesn't make you any less awesome, amazing, caring, beautiful or worthy of love. Just rip that bandaid off sister and the rest is up to him. If he is a smart man he will process, accept and love you even more for telling him. We are all here for you and will be there in spirit! xoxo

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

VirgoGirl...create a moment that feels right.

 

You know I love you girl, so I'm giving you a loving nudge.

 

VirgoGirl: Hi Amazing Guy...is this a good time for you to talk? I need to share something from my heart with you. (wait for him to respond)

 

Your Guy: Sure baby...what is it?

 

VirgoGirl ... [Now say what you have been practicing over and over in your head. Write out a script if that will help you. It's time. You have suffered long enough holding this inside of you, honey.]

 

You are strong and beautiful and you can do this.

 

Love,

Kristin

[VirgoGirl]

everyone is so amazing here, it fills me with so much love!

 

I will be sure to let everyone know how this goes.

I will create the right moment and just let it flow.

 

xoxox

[Lisa]

Good luck Virgo girl! Be strong! You will be fine... sending lots of good energy your way. Let us know how it goes..... :-)

 

[VirgoGirl]

Thanks Lisa, i really appreciate that :)

[VirgoGirl]

just a heads up : this weekend will be the weekend. I am going to go visit him, and will disclose confidently. I am feeling good and positive about it and happy I will have the chance to do this is person.

I will let you all know how it goes when I come back.

thank you all for your support!

[lively]

Ok Virgo Girl, we stand with you. All will be well no matter what. Either way you are amazing and you move forward. big love to you x