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is dating easier for H+ women than men?

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I know that this site is predominantly female so the stories I read are skewed ( for lack of a better word) that way. ive noticed that the ladies on here almost always have some significant other or SO wannnabe in the wings. given that in our society most male/female interactions are begun by the male ( internet not counting, you absolutely don't risk anything asking someone out over the internet, like dropping bombs from above you are securely away from the fray) and we males have so much to overcome already before asking someone out, then add herpes to the mix. I was wondering if its easier on the women who have herpes. I know passively sitting there sending signals and hoping we read them correctly isn't easy ( sorry but you all brought this on yourselves you know) but try being the one who "has" to do the asking. ive been rejected in church, yes church cause she " didn't want to mix church with that sort of thing, you know, like work" WTF? ( this was some time ago and it still makes me gun shy) so, am I reading this wrong? is the anecdotal evidence wrong because this site is primarily female? are the women with herpes especially desirable? please don't claw me to death.

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No one is going to claw you to death for saying how you feel. I think its a matter of perspective. We all walk in our own shoes right? In my life this is what I think...I don't think that herpes is easy for anyone. We all do whatever it is that we have to do to survive in our own world. I do agree that men have to initially put it out there in the beginning more than women....but on that note I am a strong woman never shy about approaching a man. But that's me. And by the way I love meeting men in church! I know that it can seem really hard at times. I know that herpes seems to be an extra burden added on top of everything else right! If you can keep this in mind I think this will help...I don't know you personally but I am willing to bet that you have some pretty amazing things about you! Its seems from what you said in your post that obviously you have had relationships with women. Just remember that you are unique and special and if the woman you are pursuing can't see that then her loss and move on! Life is short! I know its cliché but its true. Please don't let the herpes make you nervous you would never share that right away. Herpes is your personal business to share when its right for you. So relax and just take it moment by moment. BREATHE:)....hey just FYI I was diagnosed with herpes 16 months ago I have probably been on 10 dates and had a brief 4 month relationship...none of them worked out and it had nothing to do with herpes. Remember they need to earn getting to know your heart! Let me know how things progress!

Hey by the way I really like hearing your prospective thank you! Please keep me up to date! Im here if you wanna chat!


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I find Canadian guys TOO SLOW and TOO INSECURE.


American guys aren't any better... I just finally pulled out of a potential relationship because the guy continued to say he wants to get to know me but wasn't doing anything to take the relationship forward at all ... and I'm sure that it was because of some kind of fear (given the way he went about things). I made myself very vulnerable and he wasn't able to reciprocate. :(




#1 ... not going to claw you but you need a little dose of reality ;)


#2 ... Dating sucks. Period. And the older we get, the more it sucks. We all have more baggage and we are all more set in our ways as far as what we are willing to tolerate.


#3 ... You think it's "easier" being a woman dating? Imagine this: We generally need to wait for the guys to come to us, because if we go after them, they deem us to be either easy or desperate. So a guy comes along that we think we may like. We tell him we want to take it slow .. he translates that to "I won't try to get into her pants till the 3rd date". So we have decided by Date #3 that we really like him ... and we are being pushed for sex. We then try to find a balance, keeping him interested but also trying to keep our boundaries.... OR (and this is the reason many of us are here) we cave and give ourselves to a man who often leaves us sitting wondering why he hasn't called 2 weeks later.


#4 ... as a woman when I am being pursued, I will be trying to keep the guy "interested yet sexless" (ie, lots of great making out but no nookie!) knowing he may reject me when I finally tell him. Whereas a H+ guy, when told by the woman that she wants to go slow (or not), is in the "driver's seat" ... he can dictate the pace more and it looks like he's being respectful of her boundaries when in fact he is just biding his time till he feels he can take the risk of disclosure.


As I said in this discussion:




There are MANY things that we are afraid to disclose to someone ... and it's just plain HARD to know when and how to entrust that information to another.....


So I personally don't think it's any easier for either sex. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to a relationship at all is difficult ... BUT I still maintain that H is a great Wingman and that by slowing things down, we actually are more likely to find the "right" person in the end because we will get to know who they are before we allow our hormones to fog our already screwed up brains :)






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Hmmm....me and a friend discussed this recently....women have the reputation as being stage 5 clingers and I do sometimes see women putting up with ALOT from men, so a lot would accept herpes because they were so in love with the man.... On the other hand I think men see woman as someone to look after and could be very "poor thing" about a woman having herpes and be a knight in shining armour about it...my girlfriend said no, a lot of men would gravitate towards being all "slut" shaming towards a girl with herpes...my experience if people are mature and are really thinking long term it doesn't matter. To be honest if I didn't get stuck with this without a choice I don't know if I would have accepted the risk....makes me feel guilty I'm with someone so great who accept the risk of that and takes on my children to another man! And I didn't have to downgrade at all....in fact career wise he is great, he's attractive and giving...I ask why he puts up with me and he admits if it was anyone else he would of said "no way" but that you can't help who you fall in love with....I would say develop a connection before disclosure, because as bad as it sounds I don't think I would have him if I told immediately....they do have to know your great points to weigh them up with the risks....

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I've often thought about this too. I often thought that it was easier for H+ men than H+ women because stereotypically, women are more nurturing than men, and would therefore, be more accepting of something like herpes. However, this thought makes me say blechhh because gendered stereotypes, or any stereotypes for that matter, are exactly what go us into this stigma-filled mess in the first place.


I think it's easier for people to disclose when the person on the receiving end of the disclosure is open and willing to be educated. Gender, race, income level, and any other socio-demographic factor don't matter in the end. It's about the person you choose to disclose to. But even more than that, it's about you. If you start thinking you're a fantastic catch, others will follow. That's a fact. And as @peggy said, life is way too short. Chin up @seeker. It's going to get better and it's going to get worse so you might as well do exactly what you want right now.

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I get where ur comming from seeker, but i think its half and half..

I mean disclosure about anything really personal is tough.

the first date my bf took me on, (we went fishing) he had to disclose to me about his bro comming, and that his bro has bipolar schitzo... and not to ask too many questions about their dad who passed away last yr cuz it may cause him to tweek a little..

i.m.o. i think him disclosing to me about his bro, was harder for him to do than me disclosin 2 dates later that i had herpes.


And as said earlyer, if you focus on YOU. and what YOU know you are brilliant with, i dont think any girl could reject ya, unless it was something she really couldnt risk due to a health problem she might already have.


For me... honesty and trust is where its at. If a guy doesnt have these qualities... he wont qualify in my life! Damn a man or woman who doesnt have these two qualities in their life!

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Ok, I don't know who to begin with, wait yes I do.


@ inka, 50+!!!!!!!!!!!! 50 on my NEXT birthday, and one day little lady you will start to dislike sweaty dumbasses with their hats on sideways who all speak as though they were raised in the "hood" and sit in the car while YOU fill up the gas. ( that one burns me up, seeing a man sitting in the car while a woman pumps gas. guys I don't care if she is your sister, cousin, mom,{ if she is your mom your doubly worthless} auntie or girlfriend, get your lazy ass out of the car and pump the gas for her. especially if she is driving. I know handicapped guys who will do it.)


@ neverdanced, not thinking about dating really. im ok with things the way they are. not out on the prowl but if it happens, it happens.


thanks everyone else, especially for not clawing my eyes out. I guess it just seems from reading on here that most of the women always seem to have a significant other or have a new one on the horizon and im not sure how much that has to do with the culture we live in and men being the predominant instigator.


I will add, perhaps if women weren't so unreadable and hot/cold more Canadian men ( and US men also) wouldn't be so timid?? well and if the media didn't run stories where saying hello to a woman constitutes harassment ( unless he is a doctor or lawyer then its a dreamboat saying hi)

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