Be Thankful....It's not that Bad

[beachluvr]

It's been a year since I got the news I was H2+. It hasn't been so bad for me, very mild, and I've had two successful disclosures which totally surprised me. I've educated myself about H but I still have questions from time to time and I read this forum daily and I love it! I enjoy the laughs from some of your posts, the tears I have shed with some of the wonderful stories, the heartbreak for what some of you went through. I know some of you have had a hard time coping with this. I just want those of you who feel like it's the end of the world to look at things differently. I know it's a total shock, it was to me, but things could be much worse as I'm about to tell you.

 

I have a few coworkers who were diagnosed with cancer in the last year. One guy had lymphoma and was out for 6 months and just recently came back and is doing well so far and we all pray he will continue doing well. My other coworker was diagnosed with breast cancer in one breast and chose to have a double mastectomy because she didn't want to have to go through everything all over again if it showed in the other. She came back to work 2 months ago and her spirits were slowly getting lifted and she was able to laugh and smile again. Her hair was growing back and she looked adorable. We were so happy for her. She came down with a dry cough that would not go away. She went to the doctor and the cancer has spread into her lungs, shoulder, and liver. We are all devastated for her. Another coworker just went out for surgery this past Monday because they found cancer on her pancreas. It's very sad and I think about them every day.

 

My point in writing this is to sit back and look at yourself and be thankful for the things you have in your life....family, friends, good job, health (despite the good ol' H). You are able to wake up each morning and do the things you enjoy, spend time with the ones you love, lead a normal life. My coworkers wake up every day wondering if the cancer will return, if they will be back in the hospital sick again, wondering if/when this disease will take them from their loved ones. It's very scary for them.

 

So next time you feel down about H, just remember there are people out there who are far worse off than us. H is just a skin condition that will cause some discomfort from time to time but will not slowly kill you or take you from your loved ones. Educating yourself, being aware and cautious, you will find it's not that bad and you can manage it and you will find the right people who will accept you unconditionally. Wake up each morning and be thankful for what you have and that you are not going through what some of my coworkers/friends are. LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE.. LIVE each day like it's your last, LAUGH at the little things in life and share it with others, LOVE yourself most of all and share that love with those around you. This is one of my favorite sayings and it's so true. We've all been through crap in life, hit some speed bumps, but it's not the end of the world. Get out there and live your life and don't let H bring you down.

[WCSDancer2010]

@beachluvr

 

This is so beautiful ... and it's soooo true.

 

Heck, with this whole Ebola thing, we now have another thing that we *might* get (Odds honestly are low but it's still something we need to be aware of).

 

I have a client whose husband had an accident that left him a quadriplegic ... he is now about 80% dependent on her once in his mechanized chair he can get around and go to work, but she has to feed him, dress him, bathe him, turn him several times a night, watch him for bedsores, catheterize him and manually help him evacuate his bowels. Neither of them "asked" for this ... they struggled through the first few years and have started to find their feet, started traveling, and are still figuring it all out. He regularly has bladder infections because of the catheter. Complications are always just around the corner. But they get up each day and make the best of it.

 

And that is what we have to remember. Get up every day. Make it the BEST day you can make it. Some days will be better than others. Remember.... on your bad days, when you think you can't go on, your record for making it through the day so far is 100% , and tomorrow is a great opportunity to create something better.

 

(((HUGS)))

[havefaith427]

I love this post! People are dying everyday from types of cancers, HIV/AIDS, now Ebola, and tons more. We have something that is more of a nuisance then a real health issue. We will not die from this, we will not be hooked up to machines from this, we will not have to do tons of tests because of this. We are fine. Millions of people have it way worse.

[beachluvr]

I agree, there are for more scary things out there, especially now. My daughter works in the health field and they just had a meeting yesterday on the Ebola thing and it's something very serious. She was told what symptoms to look for, how they think it's contracted and are now having to wear special uniforms to deal with patients because they just don't know where people have been. HIV seems minor compared to this. At least with HIV there are drugs and they are aware of how to control it. Ebola is a whole different story.

 

@WCSDancer2010... I agree. There are people out there who don't have the normalcy of life anymore but have managed to cope so that they can still enjoy it. There are parents out there who basically live at hospitals because they have very sick children. My coworker is a part time massage therapist on the side and she has a client who cannot walk, talk, and is not always aware of who people are but every time she goes to massage him, he has the biggest smile on his face. She said when she sees his smile it brightens her day makes her realize just how lucky she is and she, too, has her own health issues but doesn't let things get her down.

 

Let's see..Ebola, Cancer or H? Hmm, I know which one I'm picking. H isn't so bad now compared to all this.

 

@havefaith427....you are exactly right. US H+ PEEPS WILL BE JUST FINE!!

 

So for those of you still having a hard time with H.....next time H pays a visit, just shake it off (as Taylor Swift would say) because you're going to be just fine!!

 

[Chinup]

I needed this post today!!!!! Thank you for your positivity :-) currently experiencing my second OB and feeling like its the end of the world.. Thank you for reminding me that it's not.. I am so sorry to hear about your coworkers!! Thats so crazy, but it definitely put this skin condition into perspective at a time when it's hard to see the positivity in anything. Thank you again for the post!!!

[beachluvr]

@Chinup....You are very welcome and thank you for your concern about my coworkers. It's very sad. That was my whole point in writing this....to make someone feel better about H. Makes me happy that I did. Once you come to terms with it, it's easier to move forward. I still get OB's from time to time but always remember.....Shake it Off.

[WCSDancer2010]

I just went to a party at a friends house. A beautiful young lady sitting next to me said she was struggling with some things ... someone asked her what it was, and she said that she had a lot on her plate dealing with the court case for the MURDER of her son....

 

I can't imagine dealing with something like that. Puts Herpes as such an insignificant place for me ... yeah, I already accepted it, but man, that does put things into perspective.

 

Interestingly, I also met someone at the party who I had met when I did a Podcast for a friend on Herpes and STD's awhile back. They revealed to me that they were thankful for having been there to hear all the info, because 3 months later they were diagnosed with H ... and they are married and have a child ... so having understood that either of them could have brought it into the marriage and not known (both tested positive) probably saved their marriage.

[Chinup]

Yea I see things every day that put me in my place when I'm feeling down.. Every day that I look at my beautiful healthy daughter, I can't help but be thankful that this is all I have and that it could be much worse. My coworker was just diagnosed with a liver disease and we cried together when she told me.. I feel so awful for her.. Luckily they think she can handle it with meds, meds she may have to take forever.. But it's better than the alternative, sort of like H.. I'm still new to all this and I thought I was doing pretty well with it until I heard a few negative comments from people about STDS.. Since then I've been in a dark place mentally and emotionally and I think that could have triggered my second OB.. That or breaking my toe.. Or stress from family visiting from out of town.. Oh hell, I don't know what caused it but I do know it's got me down.. Trying to stay as positive as I can so it will heal as quickly as possible.. Thank you all for the support, as always!! And keep the positivity coming :-)

[forgivenessandpeace]

Although at first I objected to the title of this thread, "Be Thankful....It's not that Bad" because I feel like it trivializes the infection. It was that bad with my initial outbreak. Now every day I encounter someone dealing with some heavy issues and in perspective my HSV2 is pretty trivial medically/physically at this point, thank GOD. I think that's progress!

[Anonemess]

I seriously don't know how you do it. Every breath I have reminds me that my life is over as I know it. I do not see one good thing from this. I'm angry, I am really done with this.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Timbbey

 

Every breath I have reminds me that my life is over as I know it.

 

Well, yes, perhaps you life IS over "as you know it". THAT is the important part. I know you can't see it now, but stay around here, take some time to allow yourself to adjust to the "new life" that you have going forward. Be patient with yourself and the process.

 

At some point you will have to CHOOSE .... acceptance and peace, or anger and unhappiness. You really, truly DO have a choice. I think if one of your personal friends came and told you they have Cancer, Liver Disease, or their CHILD was murdered, you would suddenly realize that while you may not have chosen this, life could be MUCH worse. I know it's "easy" for me to say... after 35+ yrs with Herpes, it's just a part of me that I live with and ignore 99% of the time ... so please remember that you are just diagnosed. You have a lot to learn about the truth of living with Herpes (as opposed to the Stigma that you have bought into).

 

Check these links out ... they are other discussions by people who woke up one day and realized that they don't have to be defined by Herpes ... THEY get to define HOW they will live with it... and that is a powerful realization that I hope you will manage to get to. Remember, most of them started where you are. ( @ForgivenssandPeace is only a few steps ahead of you friend but she IS getting there!) You CAN get there ... just be patient with yourself, ok?

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

How herpes made me a better person

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2646/how-herpes-made-me-a-better-person inka

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/92/the-positive-side-of-being-herpes-positive

[Anonemess]

I've read everything on here as well as every forum I can find. It's been a year. It won't happen. There is nothing good about this. My life was happy, goon in the direction I worked so hard for. Now I'm vile and single. It's not worth it.

[forgivenessandpeace]

Wow @Timbbey :

 

Now I'm vile and single

 

Would you say that to your best friend if he or she came and told you, "I'm hsv +" ? No?

Then please stop treating yourself this way! Practice some empathy and compassion for yourself, please.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Timbbey

 

I'm sorry you are feeling this way and that you have bought into the stigma ... because I PROMISE you, it doesn't have to be this way.

 

I believe that you came here because you don't want to continue feeling this miserable. So all I can say right now is to please keep reading, stay with us, and hopefully at some point you will read *something* that will get through to you, something that will crack open your shell and let some hope in.

 

Remember that One in 4 or 5 people around you have Genital Herpes. And I can promise you that you will never be able to accurately guess every one of them. Herpes is an Equal Opportunity virus. Rich or Poor. Beautiful or homely. Young or Old. Famous or Infamous. Nice or Nasty. It doesn't affect any "one" kind of person. There is ono "one" way that people get it. Many (like myself) get it on our FIRST sexual experience. We have even had a young girl who was a virgin who got it from Oral Sex. We've had a 70+ year old woman who got it when she re-entered the dating world after the death of her husband. AND, we all have to accept it, learn to deal with it, and move on. If we didn't, this county would come to a stand-still ...

 

Imagine if 15-20% of the population "gave up" because of Herpes. Imagine the businesses that would shut down. Imagine the children who would suddenly be dealing with the fall-out of a (physically or emotionally) absent parent. Imagine all the friends who would wonder what the hell happened to the person they used to hang out with and rely on for "their" tough times.

 

I hear that you believe that you you are "vile". Well, I'm willing to guess that there are a lot of people near you who would beg to differ with that belief if they knew you were suffering so much with this. You are buying into the stigma .... which is normal and it's where you are at right now. I just hope that at some point you will come to understand that this is just "Stinkin Thinkin" as @Adrial puts it.

 

Perhaps you can reach out to him ... he's a great coach and he's been in EXACTLY your shoes. He was filled with every bit as much anger and self loathing as you are right now. I've seen him coaching people and I can tell you he's brilliant at what he does. So if/when you are ready to at least *try* to find your way out, contact him.... ok friend?

 

919.968.8818 or email at adrial@adrialdesigns.com http://www.adriallifecoaching.com/

 

(((HUGS)))

[Anonemess]

I have made contact. It's not in my budget. I spent many years following my divorce single so I could find myself. Found me, found happiness and bam. Right out of he gate. I've done everything I am supposed to. So why am I being punished? Why am I alone now? Why am I forced to be alone now because I will never share my nasty secret. Ever. Shall I take up knitting when I want to be in love and cant?

[WCSDancer2010]

So why am I being punished?

 

You are NOT being punished ... YOU are punishing yourself for making ONE mistake ... so your first priority is to FORGIVE YOURSELF for that error of judgement.

 

Why am I alone now? Why am I forced to be alone now because I will never share my nasty secret.

 

You are alone now because YOU ARE CHOOSING to be alone. No one is forcing you to be alone. YOU have BOUGHT INTO the stigma.

 

You say you have read the Success Stories. You say you have read "every forum" you can find. Well, in case you haven't noticed, we have a LOT of people who are finding love, and the VAST MAJORITY are with H- people.

 

Again - 15-20% of people around you have it. Most of them are living with it and getting on with life. Forums like these are the landing places for people like yourself who are struggling in some way or looking for info. Remember, roughly 43 MILLION people in the USA have Genital Herpes. Chew on that for a bit ...

 

I hope we can help you to deal with things better than you have for the last year ... for now, keep reading and be patient with yourself and the process, ok?

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[Anonemess]

It's not even in the same game. If I get cancer, people will send me flowers and bake my family casseroles. With herpes, they will choose to NOT TOUCH ME, NOT KISS ME, NOT LOVE ME. Nothing compares.

[forgivenessandpeace]

I will send you flowers @Timbbey . Message me your address :)

 

I'm afraid too. We can hide behind the fear and blame it on hsv, or we can choose to love ourselves, because you are correct: Nothing Compares!!

[WCSDancer2010]

With herpes, they will choose to NOT TOUCH ME, NOT KISS ME, NOT LOVE ME.

 

AGAIN... this is only the STINKIN THINKIN in your brain! Otherwise 15-20% of the population would be in the same boat as you BELIEVE you are in.

 

I have had TWO H- boyfriends and 5 or 6 H- guys who were what I call "false starts" - willing to have sex with me after disclosure but didn't work out for other reasons... (3 of them were just not ready to have the kind of relationship *I* wanted ... they may have been happy to have SEX but I was looking for a RELATIONSHIP ... and Herpes had NOTHING to do with that.)

 

Yes - people will send you flowers if you get cancer ... but it may also rip you away from them and devastate them in ways they will never totally get over too.

 

Look - if you are determined to not even try to accept the experience and wisdom of those ahead of you on here, we can't help you friend ... if you are determined to buy into your own acceptance of the stigma and you are not willing to see that there are MILLIONS of people with Herpes who are in LOVING STABLE relationships (which means YOU could have that too) then I don't know what else to tell you friend.

 

I hope you will keep reading on here and that something will get through to you that you are just as lovable as you were before your diagnosis.

 

(((HUGS)))

[beachluvr]

@Timbbey...I know how you feel. I felt the same way when I was first diagnosed. I felt dirty, ashamed, like no one would every want to touch me, that my sex life was over. None of that is true. I will never forget that night when the doctor called me and told me I was +. I was sitting in my car outside the restaurant my daughter and I had just ate at. I felt like throwing up, I cried in my car for 30 minutes and was devastated because I had just stated seeing someone new and the thought of having to tell him was so painful. I actually thought of driving into a tree that night on my way home because I was so emotional. Then I realized that I knew nothing about this, that I needed to look into it and see how to handle it. I'm glad I did. Once I educated myself and learned it really isn't as bad as it's made out to be, is when I was able to come to terms and accept it. Yes, it sucks. It's here to stay unless one of these companies is able to find the cure they have been working on. I am hopeful that I will see one within my lifetime. You need to stay positive, learn about it so that you can educate future partners. Don't think that you will never have intimacy again. You will!! Disclosing is very scary but it's something that needs to be done. I've had two very successful disclosures and I think it's because I was able to educate them and answer their questions so they felt like they could trust me. Life is not over just because we have a flaw. We are not perfect, we can still live, have fun, wake up each morning, go to work, see family/friends. Don't let H control your life and that's what you are doing. Don't let negativity take over. Take control, laugh, love, and be happy!

[Anonemess]

I've had my children. I don't want anymore. This is suppose to be my time. I'm in the best physical shape of my life. My giver was a blessing to me when I told him what he gave me ( he didn't know). Thought he was what I had been waiting for my whole life. But he has some personal stuff going on and I see him as a different person. So, fooled again. I'm a stupid judge of character apparently. Tell me you love me and I believe it.

 

I won't disclose. Therefore, my options are null.

[Anonemess]

I cannot believe I am the only one who has come to the decision to end sex and love following their diagnosis. I don't think it does anyone any good to be so Pollyanna about it. Where are the horrific, embarrassing rejections. Who has people point and gossip when they walk by. Reality and truth.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Timbbey

 

What you don't get is this is YOUR reality ... the one you have CHOSEN to believe ...

 

Yes, there are *some* rejections ... but in reality, we are rejected for MANY reasons in life. I "reject" men who approach me online all the time if they smoke, have young kids, or want me to ride behind their Harley. True, it's not a virus but it's my CHOICE to not be with someone who has those things in their life.

 

One thing that Herpes actually does for us, IF we allow it, is that it makes us MUCH more careful about who we allow into our lives, especially romantically. Because we have this "secret", we will be more careful about who we get close to ... most people know that they will eventually have to disclose this thing to the other person so they will end relationships much earlier with potential partners who are not loving and accepting of the realities of humanity.

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

A common thread on here that I've seen is that many people say they jumped into relationships... especially sexually ... far to fast in their past and that Herpes has HELPED them to slow down and REALLY GET TO KNOW the person and gauge if they are WORTHY of being privy to this information. So one of the reasons that we have so many more "Success" stories on here is that people ARE MAKING BETTER CHOICES OF PARTNERS before they disclose :)

 

I cannot believe I am the only one who has come to the decision to end sex and love following their diagnosis.

 

Well, if we all followed your example, it sure would help the population control! But then we'd have a bunch more really MISERABLE, lonely people too. AGAIN... FOURTY THREE MILLION people have genital herpes in this country alone.

 

Perhaps you should be wondering why YOU are in the minority here??? Think on it friend!

 

Who has people point and gossip when they walk by.

 

Well, a lot of that depends on who you surround yourself with. I personally won't allow ANYONE into my personal circle (or anywhere near it) who has anything less than a warm, loving energy and a willingness to become educated about things they know little about. People who are slow to pass judgement and quick to give hugs and love when times are rough and my less-than-perfect side comes out. I learned long ago that you teach people how to treat you .

 

*MY* reality and truth? I'm 100% out. I will talk to anyone, anywhere about herpes. I came out on Facebook to the 1000+ "friends" that I have (most from my dance world). If I lost any friends I never noticed the loss so they were not true friends ... but what I DID get was a LOT of support, love, and praise for stepping up and being a stand for the obliteration of the stigma and for better STD education.

 

I have also put my full status on ALL my online dating profiles (OKC and POF). You can see it here if you want:

 

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/wcswingdancer44

 

When I put it out there, I expected at least *some* ugly messages ... when in fact I have received a LOT of messages from H- gentlemen who HONOR and APPRECIATE my honesty and transparency! My only hiccup was that my youngest daughter got upset over something that happened due to a friend of her's finding out ... but the reality of that situation is that she is just plain upset and blaming me for a lot of what is "wrong" in her life rather than taking responsibility for her part in those things... hopefully she'll grow out of that some day....

 

I haven't updated my story recently but you can read about my journey with coming out here:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1754/i039m-out-of-the-herpes-closet

 

You see... YOU can create your reality with this. You can either choose to believe that you will be shunned and made fun of (and you will surround yourself with that kind of person to "prove" it much of the time), or you can choose to only allow people into your life who will love and appreciate you UNCONDITIONALLY.

 

This is FAR from being Pollyanna ... this is living the life that *I* create ... choosing to only be with people who are beautiful, accepting souls and being confident enough in myself to realize that if anyone is negative towards me because I happen to have a nuisance virus in an inconvenient place, that they are just showing THEIR UGLINESS and it's not a reflection on who *I* am.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[Anonemess]

Here's the thing with me. I don't jump into relationships. Never have. I expect strong character and kind people but there is a naivety that people don't talk about you when you aren't listening. Yes, I do care why people think of me. I see an arrogance that I would think its ok to ask someone to accept this virus as their concern. Their whole intimate life will become condoms, planning around OB in addition to everything else life throws at you. Maybe I should be selfless enough to stop this virus with me.

 

Yes, I am feeling poor me. It's not fair. Who the eff wants to get involved with a working mom of 3 with a disease I can give to them FOREVER just by loving them .

[forgivenessandpeace]

I hear you @Timbbey, I'm a working mom of 3 and I've had the dark moments you're having. I'm not giving up on my sex life however: h+ or h-, I intend to ENJOY this day and everyday for the rest of my life. I have a rich and interesting life that'll be worth sharing with the right man at the right time.