Be Thankful....It's not that Bad

[seeker]

timmbey. since you have had your kids and have had a long term relationship id like to ask you, when do you NOT plan around things for sex? the baby is crying or needs changing, cant do it now the dog needs walked. oh wait dinner needs to be cooked, I had a hard day at work, I have the flu, my period, my boss was a jackass, etc etc ad naseum. life is full of compromise and working around shit, yes shit. so maybe you cant be as spontaneous as the past. when after kids was that a reality? life will go on, if you open yourself up someone will come along. I will admit that im in a holding pattern for relationships and if one never comes so be it. I am however not leaving myself open to the possibility, im still trying to learn this virus and its affects, once I have those in my back pocket, watch out.

[Ashley]

@Timbbey, I realize nothing anyone says on here is going to change your mind. Like @WCSDancer2010 said, the change has to come from you. You can’t change the past and you can’t change the fact that you have herpes. I know you’re pissed. And you asked for truth and reality, so here it is.

 

In summer of 2013 I got H from a guy I was in an abusive relationship with. That was shitty. I swore off sex and dating just like you. I was pissed at the world. I thought this was the worst thing that could have happened to me. Then in fall 2013 I was diagnosed with cancer. And that was shitty too. I had six months of chemo. I lost all my hair. My long, beautiful hair. I felt like someone had stripped me of my femininity.The low self-esteem that developed during that relationship told me that no one would ever want a 27 year old who had cancer, no hair or eyebrows, may be infertile and has herpes. But guess what…no matter how shitty I felt, tomorrow still came and I still had to keep going.

 

The cancer is gone now. So that is good. Really good. And this summer I met a guy. A really cute, nice, smart, successful, funny guy. He knew I had cancer and he still pursued me. We’ve been dating for a while now. So far I’ve had to take my wig off in front of him, and he still said I was beautiful, even though I didn’t think I was. I had to tell him that the cancer might come back, but he didn’t leave. I told him about my fears of being infertile and he didn’t run, even though I know he wants kids. And next time I see him, I’m going to tell him about being H+, and something tells me it’s all going to be ok.

 

The reason I’m telling you this is not to say having herpes isn’t so bad, because to you, it is. Everyone’s issues are relative to their situation. And if I’m being honest, there were days when I would be so sick from chemo and still think I’d take cancer over herpes, but other days I would say I’d take herpes over cancer. What I’m trying to say here is that life will go through phases of being really really shitty and really really great with a lot of mediocre days in between. The thing is don’t fight what you’re feeling. If you’re in a mad phase, get f-ing mad! If you’re sad, then cry until you can’t anymore. Scream and punch a pillow and feel what you’re feeling. And when life gets good again, smile and laugh and enjoy that time, because it will get bad after that and then it will get good and so on and so forth until the end. And just like life, some people in this world are good and some are bad, and some are mediocre. But like life, you can’t control how they’re going to react so you kinda just got to go with it.

 

Maybe you think this is still a load of bull but I thought it might be useful to hear another perspective.

[Chinup]

Trust me, newly diagnosed (August 2014), and I myself would likely have jumped off the deep end by now if it weren't for my daughter. I am also a mother to a beautiful, wonderful, amazing 2.5 year old.. If you have nothing else to live for because your life is now over as you see it, then live for your children. They need you.. And they need you happy and healthy. Herpes has a terrible stigma associated with it, and that really sucks for all of us. None of us want to be here right now on this herpes forum giving and receiving advice.. We would all much rather be H- living the lives we used to live.. But that's not an option at the moment. And when you put this into perspective, you've got to admit that it really could be SO much worse! I have my good and bad days, and when I say bad.. I mean baaaad. But its not life threatening.. It doesn't change WHO you are. Don't let this define you. And when I'm typing this to you right now, I'm also talking to myself, because there are days when I give myself this pep talk just to make it through the day. This diagnosis isn't easy to deal with for anyone, but you have to learn to live with it and make the best out of every day that you can. Because the alternative isn't very appealing either.. I wish you all the best!

[WCSDancer2010]

@Timbbey

 

I see an arrogance that I would think its ok to ask someone to accept this virus as their concern.

 

Well, I see it like this. We are all adults. So when someone gets involved with me, I will explain to them the facts, give them the links for this site and the CDC's site and a few others I trust. And then I will allow him to make an informed ADULT choice about whether I am worth the 1-2% risk of getting Herpes from me. I don't think that is arrogant. If he chooses to not continue, that's his prerogative.

 

I think you also don't understand that many, many discordant couples (one H+, one H-) are together for a LONG time and the H- partner never gets H. The CDC states that the majority of new cases comes from people who are asymptomatic ... and I'm willing to bet most of them are people who either don't know they have the virus. Those of us who have H generally are EXTREMELY careful about managing our OB's and avoiding sex when there is any chance of transmission.

 

Their whole intimate life will become condoms, planning around OB in addition to everything else life throws at you.

 

Again ... Nope Nope Nope! You see, you have this IDEA of the reality of living with Herpes.... but you refuse to listen to someone who is YEARS ahead of you with REAL experience of this.

 

You don't HAVE to use condoms. It's a choice and a lot will depend on where the OB's are and whether the man can USE condoms (Older guys often can't). So that is just added into the risk equation when you disclose. Outside of the first few months before we both got tested, I've never used condoms with my last 2 BF's ... both lasted 3 years, neither got Herpes. I used the meds for one but the other INSISTED I shouldn't take them because he wasn't concerned about catching it. HE made that choice.

 

As for "Planning around an OB".... well, our view is that OB's actually can help you to become MORE intimate because during those times you have a great excuse to learn other ways to be intimate and to please each other. It's actually pretty fun to explore your partner's body during those times to find new erogenous zones and different ways to get them aroused ... or even to just enjoy non-sexual (or at least non-orgasmic) touch.

 

Again, YOU have a choice. You can sit in your determination that you might as well shut down and not let anyone in. OR you can give yourself permission to just enjoy life and if/when someone enters your life who you feel you may want to explore life with, you give over to being vulnerable to the process of disclosure. Yes, you *may* be rejected. But you can't win if you don't play. That's life.

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/hopelessness-turning-adversity-into-opportunity/

[Anonemess]

@ashley. Thank you. It crosses my mind often if this was cancer. Some days I'd rather be put out of this misery. This complete sadness and hopelessness. I miss my friend terribly. Why have you not told him about h+ yet?

[forgivenessandpeace]

Why has she not told him about h+ yet? Because dayum have you seen what she has had to lay on him already? @ashley will no doubt choose the right time and circumstance for the talk.

[Ashley]

@Timbbey when you say you miss your friend do you mean the person you were before you were diagnosed? If that's the case, she'll be back. It takes time though. I lost myself for about three years and I'm just returning now. At one point, someone told me that person is gone and I will become a new person based on my new experiences. That scared me and pissed me off because I really liked who I was. But she was wrong, the person I was before is back now. It just took time.

Don't feel bad about the things you think or feel. Wishing you had cancer and what not. We all think those kinds of things. No one can tell you how to process your emotions or how long it will take. You just have to go through it. That complete hopelessness will disappear at some point. Likely sooner than you think.

 

@forgivenessandpeace is right. I haven't told him about being H+ yet because I have laid quite a bit on him already and I want to give him a breather. Also it's a long distance relationship so I don't see him as often I would like. And further, I'm not so pollyanna about the whole thing either. This is my first disclosure and I'm terrified of getting hurt. I'm going to do it though because, like I said, life has it's ups and downs and if this is a down, that will be shitty, but so what, I'll deal, but if it turns out to be an up, that would be really good.

 

I know you'll get through this. You seem like a strong woman. A working mother of three isn't an easy thing to be. If you ever need an ear to vent to, feel free to send me a message.

[beachluvr]

@Ashley...Your story and experience in life so far touched me. I believe out of all the posts I've read on here, you are by far one of the strongest and positive women on here. I wish you the best with your disclosure and I'm sure he will be accepting of it and hope the cancer is gone for good. Thank you for sharing.

 

@Timbbey...In time you will get to a better place with H and will be more accepting. I think once you accept it, it's much easier to manage and to go on in life. There are days that I don't even think about it anymore and if I do, I don't let it worry me. I will not let a virus control my life, take the fun out of my days, and not let me smile and laugh and be happy. Ashley's story is one of strength, courage, acceptance, struggles, survival and she has made it even with H. I hope that one day you will get to that place. Once you do, you will look back and see it's really not that bad.