Debate: Where to have the Big D

[leslie_c]

While the whys and the wherefores of a disclosure conversation are not nearly as important as your feeling of readiness around it, an interesting debate arose recently on whether having it in a neutral location (which has been suggested) is better vs. having it in your/your partner's home. On the one hand, a neutral location gives both people some breathing room, the opportunity to ask for space openly and generally less pressure. On the other hand, having it in an intimate, comfortable environment where you usually spend time together feels more natural, close, focused on the relationship. Obviously, the decision where to have it completely depends on the two people involved and timing, but I'm interested in what others have to say: neutral or personal bubble?

 

Discuss!

[EssieL]

Hi Leslie!

 

I personally prefer an intimate setting. For one, it allows me to control the environment better. I don't have to worry about strangers interrupting or the person I'm talking to getting distracted. Furthermore, I value privacy to a heavy extent when I'm talking about issues such as these. I don't like the idea of an open area where just anyone could walk up. Granted, there are some neutral places where that would be less likely to happen (e.g., somewhere out in nature); but on the whole, I find the privacy of one's home to be best.

 

Some of the advantages you mentioned of disclosing in a neutral area (such as opportunity to ask for space and feeling less pressure) can be found in a private domain as well. I think those aspects of it are rooted less in the disclosure location and more in your tone, word choice, and body language.

 

That's not to say that neutral locations are bad. I'm sure there are many people out there who prefer it. But it's not for me :)

[Pepper471]

 

Good Topic!

 

I am also for an intimate setting due to the decreased chance of being interrupted. Since this talk is already hard for me I feel that having other distractions or possible interruptions could make it even more difficult. I agree with Essie in that I also value privacy discussing this issue, but again everyone is different and some might feel more comfortable in a neutral setting.

[funlovngrl8675]

Very much in agreeance with EssieL. But for the sake of discussion, do you think that a neutral public location would make it seem like even less of a big deal? I wonder if being able to discuss H openly in a public area would make it seem even less scary to someone. Just a thought. A wonder. Or is that trying to manipulate an outcome? Sheesh.

[VirgoGirl]

hmmm..I have been wondering these exact thoughts very much recently..

so much to the point that I have been stressing myself out with anxiety and giving myself hives as my time of disclosure is looming close :(

 

My current sweetheart lives 2 hours away..and I want to disclose to him in person but this location seperation makes it difficult. I am wondering if i should wait and tell him in a city 2 hours away from me, or disclose to him over the phone (which seems much less personal)..oh the dilemma is stressing me out :(

[EssieL]

funlovngrl,

 

I can definitely see your point there, and you might be onto something. Making a more public revelation could deliver the message that you have nothing to be ashamed of and also that H isn't a big deal. I don't see anything wrong with that ;)

 

As far as manipulating the outcome is concerned, maybe it could be considered that- but I don't think of it in that way. I look at it as matching the intensity of the disclosure process with that of your condition. Why not make the disclosure process seem less scary? After all, herpes isn't that scary once you learn more about it...

 

Just my two cents :)

[VirgoGirl]

I somewhat like the idea of a public reveal too. Like, its not such a big deal..mentioning it casually like it doesnt phase you, and show confidence..

 

I think it boils down to wherever it feels most right and comfortable at the time :)

[leslie_c]

So, I actually just had my third Big D last night (thank you, thank you very much) since the H showed up in my life - which basically was a non-issue because the dude is amazing: "Yeah, safety first. Duh. NBD." - and conducted it from the familiarity, security and intimacy of my own home. On the third go-round and after much consternation and hand-wringing previously, I know with 100% certainty now that it is my attitude towards the topic and mental state that have the biggest impact. The first time I was scared stiff (went ok, but probably earned a few grey hairs from it). The second time, I practically expected rejection. This time, I was confident about where we were headed in the relationship first and foremost and it just felt like a natural part of the safety discussion you should have anyway. And I didn't sweat it - most importantly. Sure, I had that semi-queasy feeling in my stomach before the words actually came out of my mouth, but didn't think much about it until the moment I knew it was right.

 

So much of this stuff is just gut instinct. Therefore, in summary: listen to yourself.

 

:)

[mr_hopp]

I'm so glad, Leslie. You're really getting the hang of this! ;) I remember those days of the gray hairs popping out of your head seemingly as we were talking. So much worry, so much care in wanting to make sure you "do it right." Seems like all of us need to go through that phase before we can just let go and let it be what it is. I remember all the promises to you that it was going to be all right. Well lookie here ... You did it. And I'm damn proud. Self-acceptance is an awesome feeling, isn't it? (Sounds like a great guy, too.) Onward and upward! :)

[leslie_c]

Thanks Professor H, you're the best :)