I had to tell him he gave it to me-New relationship

[confused79]

I began having symptoms immediately after our first time together. We just thought it was my body acting weird to a new partner, so we kept exploring each other and being excited about this awesome, incredible new relationship. Unfortunately, things got worse; he was constantly concerned, thinking I was allergic to him or he had been too rough. I finally went to the doctor again after she had first told me it was a bacterial infection...she then said I think we need to test for herpes. I got a swab and blood test. After 4days of holding this in, I finally told him I was being tested and placed on medicine for it. He immediately freaked out, asked why I wasn't mad at him, began asking a million questions. He was trusting through all of it, never considered it was me that did this. When my blood test came back negative, he had some hope that it wasn't herpes but I knew it had to be....just waiting on the culture to confirm. My negative blood test only meant the virus was brand new to my body. After the billion questions, he went military silent, only reaching out to see if I'd heard from my doctor. Then the news came that my culture was positive but so new that they can't even yet tell if it's 1 or 2. He competely melted down; said he's guilt stricken, feels disgusting, etc. We've only been together a month. I told him again I'm not angry at him, the situation, yes. He doesn't understand why. I asked if I'd ever see him again, and he said I dont know what to do, I'm not myself, I'm totally stressed. He hasn't reached out since that telephone call. I am trying to give him space to process, realizing that I've had more time to deal, but I need support too. That pill is a daily reminder of reality.

 

We are both recently divorced and have children. He's with his children this weekend so I didn't expect to discuss further, but curious if anyone has dealt with this. The only blogs I find are not similar. I have no doubt He didn't know based on his reaction; he's competely devastated. I'm struggling with the diagnosis AND the fact that I may have lost a really great guy over something that wasn't my fault-I feel like I'm the one being punished here.

[confused79]

Deleted

[WCSDancer2010]

@confused79

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Quick note first off... you can always go in and edit your posts ... up by your name to the right is an edit button ;)

 

So - everyone reacts differently. Your guy not only jut found out he has Herpes, but he ALSO gave it to someone else. That's a LOT to process. AND, likely he's found ALL the wrong websites. So my first advice is to send him this website, especially the links for the handouts and e-book and video, and tell him he needs to get on here and get support. Your story is FAR from unusual ... the only difference is that you can both get through this faster because you have found your way here.

 

He may be scared silly about passing it to his kids (they are quite safe... but many believe they are walking Petri dishes). He may be beating himself up for a one-night-stand (again, not unusual for the post-divorced who are trying to figure out how to get back into the dating world) OR he may be totally confused because he may have carried it through his marriage and just got lucky and not passed it to his ex (OR she may have given it to him) Soooooo many scenarios that may be happening on his end while he processes things.

 

So send him our links, and my Blog links. Tell him we are a Judgement Free Zone and we will help him through this... Right now it's all you can do ...he has to process things his way....

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/diagnosis_it-isnt-the-end/

 

Herpes facts video

[confused79]

Thank you.I felt so helpless until this site..I was beginning to spin up awful stories in my mind about why he's not talking to me. It's such a new relationship that my fear was that avoiding me would be easier than dealing with his shame; although I've said I'm not angry he can't hear it right now. Thank you for pointing out all of the scenarios that I'd forgotten he's processing: I'm dealing with a diagnosis, he's dealing with diagnosis AND guilt. I'm hoping things work out between us because he's a very special person.

 

Right now, this site is helping me focus on MY healing instead of his, which is the first time I've done that. I'm feeling less burdened and tainted and more hopeful.

 

When the time is right over the next few days, I will offer him the information suggested.

[confused79]

Okay, sorry but I'm spinning again. I guess I'm still a little concerned that there hasn't been outreach in two days just to ask how I'm feeling. I need to relax, right? Not be so selfish...but it's hard because it's not like I can tell all my girlfriends why my new guy isn't speaking to me. And it's not like I knew and gave it to him...I found out and had to tell the bad news!

 

This is ridiculous thought behavior...I get it.

 

I feel so alone and wondering if things will ever even be close to how great they were, or will he never want to touch or see me again. Ugh, this whole two week period has been tough. But I keep putting it into perspective ; I realize things could be much worse. Just venting. Any encouragement would help.

[WCSDancer2010]

One thing I learned in my last *attempt* at a relationship with a guy who is a recovering alcoholic:

 

When men feel shamed or vulnerable or whatever, the "go into their cave" (as another male friend kept telling me when I was going through it). My guy continually disappeared any time ANYTHING got weird or uncomfortable ... which of course made everything more weird and more uncomfortable ... and I finally had to walk away because he just plain was unable to get himself to get together with me to talk about what was going on for him.

 

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but it's entirely possible he will run because he just plain can't deal with his shame and feeling that he "hurt" you.... which in a twisted sort of way just shows how much he cared for you. But you just plain can't make him do anything he isn't ready for or that he is incapable of doing right now. So sorry but right now you are in a waiting pattern while you see if he comes back around.

 

If you can talk to ONE of your GF's (that you KNOW you can entrust with your status) then I would do that because it will help you to have one person who is close to you that can just have your back through this ...

 

(((HUGS)))